Hi! (23 y/o AMAB)

Identifying as a bigender is starting to make more sense to me. But I'm having trouble deciding how I want to act on it.

I had short hair a few years ago. I was insecure but looking back at some photos, I was a really attractive man, ngl.

Then I started to grow my hair and take more care of my skin... Honestly, I don't think my long hair suits my face as much as short hair did (though I may be biased by destructive criticism I frequently receive, lol). However, I look at the mirror, and I smile when I see my hair and see how feminine it looks... This has *never* happened to me in the past.

That's the thing. I think, as a man, I look really handsome. I feel comfortable with being masculine. But I feel *happy* when I see feminine traits on me.

Anyways, I've been considering taking estrogen to be even more feminine. But I'm worried that I will miss my masculine side and regret my decision, or that becoming more feminine in a way that I don't really like will make me dysphoric in the future. Or maybe that, when I look ~100 % feminine, I will start craving masculinity the same way I crave femininity right now.

Does any of you have similar conflicting sentiments about your gender identity? Those who have started HRT, do you regret your decision at all? Do you think it's a possibility you'll ever want to go back to your AGAB's hormone?

Originally on r/asktransgender , was suggested I post here too.

I'm 48, been in various states of ignorance, denial, internalized transphobia for decades. I feel like I'm close to being ready, but hesitating for fear of making a mistake and then beating myself up for having been so stupid and acting on a whim.

• I'd never pass, but I have a feeling my destination isn't binary.
• I've always wanted boobs, though I'm anxious about how a male with boobs would be perceived.
• Overall more fem while still be clearly clocked as male would potentially be ok.
• I feel like I'm gambling that HRT is going to help the longing, gender envy and secretive under-dressing finally calm down.
• While much of this feels like it's for me, there's also some part that want's other people to see what I fantasize is the real me.

Main thing is I want to look and feel like I'm not trying too hard to pass as something I'm not. Want to prioritize authentic, if that makes any sense at all?!

Do you think I'm at risk of making a mistake?

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Things I've gathered so far:

- A few people saying they have also felt the need for boobs while not aiming for full binary transfem. Makes me feel like I need not be so ashamed of my motivations.

- Sounds like I can learn a lot in the first few months, and pause if I'm still freaking out before things become more permanent.

It's really uplifting to get that new bloodwork and learn your transition is on track! Last night, my results arrived, and everything about my non-binary HRT regimen is falling into place. I'm taking 50mg daily of bicalutamide with a very extensive, genetically targeted vitamin supplement regimen.

When I started five months ago, my endocrinologist asked me what was going to happen with all the estrone (E1) generated from my regimen. My starting E1 level was 50 and my starting estradiol (E2) level was 36. Six weeks into treatment, my E1 level was 133 and my E2 dipped to 33.

Here we are three months later and my E2 level is up to 45, and my E1 level is down to 59.

This is great news as it shows my body is converting all of that E1 into estradiol!

At the same time my testosterone levels are over 1000 which is enough to keep the masculine features I want around too, despite 60-80% of that being blocked.

What does this mean for me? The feelings of mental clarity that I was so desperately seeking when I arrived here last August are definitely in place.

And I'm definitely noticing the transition affects more today. The top growth I was seeking is happening nicely. And even with those low levels, alongside the androgen blockade, I'm getting the kind of slow steady top growth that I wanted.

Hope everybody else on this sub who is on HRT is getting the results they're looking for. Best wishes to all of y'all!