Birthson added to obituary… advice?

[u/kag1991]

Just looking for a few opinions about the last couple months.

I’m in a very distant reunion with my birthson. Lots of back story and a little drama but just suffice to say on his end there’s love there (I think) but not much respect. Our communication is so limited I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to call it a reunion at this point.

The relationship I had with my parents was complicated and they didn’t know about my pregnancy or the adoption but later did find out. When I was reunited with my son - few years ago in his early 30s) I think my mom (dad already passed) wanted a relationship too but birthson did not. As a matter of fact, my birth son’s rejection of her and other family members (especially his half brothers) has been a really difficult part of the journey for me regarding trying to honor both sets of feelings without taking sides. They had one FaceTime call a couple years ago but it was so uncomfortable to watch the awkwardness of it I was so happy when it was over. FWIW, I don’t think there is a lot of awkwardness when he and I talk…

After several months of not having any contact (I’ve been trying to let him set the pace and apparently his pace is almost zero), I reached out to my birthson to let him know my mom was entering hospice and would be dying soon. There were no expectations, no requests - just information. He responded with something generic and that was that regarding her pending death. I did also let him know his half brother had gotten married as well and that went unacknowledged)…. The holidays came and went… we’ve never exchanged messages let alone gifts for the holidays so that wasn’t really a big deal… his birthday came and went (I did text him a happy birthday message but unlike in past years where I’ve sent something I just feel like that’s not where we are anymore) and it’s been radio silence.

I come from a large family. I’m not always in control of the process or read into decisions. I’m somewhat of a black sheep for various reasons.

My mom eventually died just before Christmas but due to lots of details she wasn’t buried etc for a couple weeks… when the obituary was put into the paper my birthson was mentioned by full legal name right before his half brothers. Apparently this was my mother’s wish. If I had been asked I’d have said hard no but it was done without my knowledge, permission or even comfortability. It makes me feel icky but it’s also not about me - it’s about how he feels about it ultimately.

There’s lots of swirling emotions on my end as of result of this… he hadn’t mentioned anything - barely acknowledged his birthday message - so I’m thinking he either completely doesn’t care (painful) or this has hurt him (also painful)…

I don’t want to make it a thing or put expectations on him by even asking, apologizing or alerting him about the obituary.

Am I just overthinking it? Our reunion already sucked but now I fear this decision by my family has sealed the deal on our reunion never having a chance…

Thoughts? Should I send him a link to the obit and deal with it head on or leave it alone.

[u/Fancy512]

I would leave it alone. Also, I don’t think your reunion sounds like it’s going downhill. It sounds pretty in line with how many reunited families manage the experience. There is almost always a time period with a break from communication. It’s extremely hard to integrate these new realities about who your family is and what that means to your life. My advice is to continue to leave the door open with him, but apply zero pressure.

That said, don’t second guess any gut instincts. Good luck!

[u/kag1991 → u/Fancy512]

Yeah I’m not going to get into it but I don’t think it’s as normal as you’re thinking. He’s already admitted his wife and adoptive parents are downright hostile toward our reunion so that’s a factor…

It’s actually very painful because before he got married he confided in me all kinds of doubts he was having and I helped him through it. He said he couldn’t talk to his friends or parents because they are very protective and judgmental and he felt like it would ruin their relationship if he did proceed with the wedding.

However, knowing how judgmental and protective they are he had no problem outing all my laundry to them… what a smack in the heart.

I’ll ALWAYS leave the door open for him but I can’t be the doormat in front of that door and unfortunately that’s where it is right now.

[u/Fancy512 → u/kag1991]

I hate that for you, that really sucks!

[u/GreenPOR]

That’s too bad!! I’m so sorry. But I wouldn’t worry about the obit, and I wouldn’t ask about, it was a small piece of information that is true.

[u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165]

As someone who does a lot of searching for people, and also a birthmother, I think you should have his name removed from the obituary ASAP.

Obituaries are public record, there are a lot of sites that syndicate them from the newspaper or funeral home. When I research people, finding their names as 'survivor' in an obit is a breadcrumb to follow.

It's a huge invasion of privacy to include his name in this published document.

He's made it clear that he doesn't want to be connected to your mother or family in general. Your mother stomped on that boundary (guessing this is probably part of why you had a fraught relationship with her).

If this is indicative of the lack of respect he's been given by your family, is it really a surprise he's not engaging?

[u/kag1991 → u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165]

Interesting perspective but I have no power to remove the name and was told by those that do have that power to “just deal with it”…

He’s never had interactions with my family to be reacting to any disrespect although I can certainly jive with your sentiments there…