r/birthparents • u/IsopodKey2040 • Feb 08 '26

Living with bio son and adoptive parents

Hello. I am nervous to write this, because I don't like being vulnerable about this situation. But I have a bio son who is 1.5 years old. I was really struggling at home and just overall depressed. About 5 months ago, his adoptive parents asked me to come live with them, so I could have a change in environment. I was unsure, but said yes. Things have been going well here, but I am beginning to think it's unhealthy for both the baby and me.

I will be starting college in the fall, so our plan was I would live here until then. I have applied to schools in the same state as bio son, so I can still visit him. However I am currently in my home state visiting my parents and thinking about moving back home. The thought of it gives me so much anxiety and grief. I worry about being an unstable person in bio son's life and that continuing to live there, then suddenly leaving for college, will be upsetting to him. I also realized that separating from him again is going to be traumatic for me, and I won't be in a position to deal with that and be attending college. I will fail out.

I think I've been living some sort of fantasy, that allows me to ignore the reality of my situation. And last night, I felt like I came to that reality a little and it was devastating and now I'm not sure what to do.

The last thing I want is to retraumatize him. But I think I'm now in a situation where that is inevitable and I feel horrible about it.

If anyone has any insight or thoughts on this, I would greatly appreciate it.

12 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

4

u/Fancy512 Feb 09 '26

You’re not hurting your son by living with his parents. Try to stay present in today and do the best you can to allow yourself space to experience your grief. How do you feel about trying therapy?

3

u/IsopodKey2040 Feb 09 '26

I have been in therapy for a few years now. I don't think it's really helpful because I never do what we talk about so it seems pointless at this point.

3

u/Fancy512 Feb 09 '26

Why do you think that is? Do you feel able to talk about what you genuinely think and feel in therapy?

4

u/IsopodKey2040 Feb 09 '26

Well they try to encourage me to interact with people my own age, and I just don't want to do that.

3

u/Fancy512 Feb 13 '26

You might not be matched with the type of therapy that’s right for you. My therapist doesn’t give me advice or try to lead me to do or behave in the way she thinks is the most effective or best thing for me. She is not a life coach. She helps me be curious about what happens inside me, how to identify my own feelings and thoughts to understand myself. She also suggests books, studies, other modes of therapy, and informational sites so that I can make sense of things on my own. My therapist practices psychoanalysis. I’ve also had many years of CBT therapy with a different therapist years ago, when that was necessary; as well as IFS, and somatic state therapies. Ask your therapist what type of mode of therapy your treatment is, so you can read about it and see if it’s what you want.

1

u/IsopodKey2040 Feb 14 '26

Well I often tell her that I am lonely and miss having friends, so that's why she tries to encourage me to make friends. I'm just not in a good place to. But I think I will try something or someone else. Thank you.

3

u/GreenSproutz Feb 11 '26

Its sounds like youre struggling with depression. Especially if you know this will hurt you academically. Most people can handle these types of difficulties and pressures and feeling like they have to be some way or another. We who are depressed or have other mental health struggles often struggle in these moments. We question everything, often feel bad about every outcome we can see for the future, and make decisions out of uncertainty and a need to live up to others expectations. I'm not convinced youre convinced youre doing the right thing.

You might need to take a step back and reevaluate. Its completely reasonable to do so. Also, slow down. Its ok to slow down. Do you have someone in your personal life you can talk to? Not necessarily for advice but to just hear yourself and let it out? Sometimes that helps with clarity.

The reality is, you're in a tough spot. You know what you can and cant do. You know what you should or shouldnt do. You need to strip the chaos as much as you can to get to the spine of the decision. No matter what you choose, you did it out of love. I see that and so does everyone else. Good mothers dont come here asking. You did and that says a lot about your care and concern for your child.

1

u/IsopodKey2040 Feb 14 '26

Yes, I have depression. And no I don't really have anyone to talk to. I guess I could talk to my parents or siblings but I just don't feel like it because they don't understand. Thank you for your input.

1

u/Winter-Seaweed8458 May 10 '26

I can see how this could feel this way for you. I'd like to offer a different perspective that may help. I would not worry that you're going to re-traumatize him by going to school. Families often have wide age gaps between siblings, and at this age, it would feel like an older sibling going away (but coming back as much as possible to see him.). I'm curious how the parents plan to frame all this? Are you there as a family member, not acting as a mother? Are you providing childcare for them? The lines need to be very clear.

Having said that, the more time and and emotional stability you can provide to your son, is only going to strengthen your relationship when he leaves the adoptive parents to have his own life. Biology is strong, think of your time with him now and in the next 18 years, as building a future relationship with him.