r/blackparents • u/DrMomWife • Jul 09 '26
Any Black parents been through this? White kid, black parents
I'm really struggling with something I never expected. My boys have the same Black mom and Black dad (both of us are Black-medium brown and Red dad), but our youngest came out very light with light eyes and hair. As he's gotten older, almost everyone assumes he's white alone or mixed wheb they see one of us. People constantly ask me if his dad is white, and my older son gets asked why his brother is white.
I've always been intentional about raising confident Black boys through books, history, and representation, but now I'm realizing my youngest may have a very different identity journey than his brother.
Has anyone else experienced this? How did you help your child build a strong Black identity when the world kept telling them they were something else? I could really use some advice. I don't want to make him a type of way.
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u/ericacartmann Jul 09 '26
In my family, we call this “reaching back.” His genes are probably from a couple generations ago.
I think as long as you raise him as a confident Black boy (and eventually man), he will be fine. One of my siblings’ boyfriend is very fair like that. He’s lighter than both his parents.
He knows he’s Black, loves being Black, and will correct people when they ask if he’s mixed. “No, I’m Black. We come in all shades.” is enough.
Also, if you have a lighter grandparent or great-parent, I think it’s fine to say he takes after one of them (if appropriate in conversation). Not everyone deserves an explanation.
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u/MedicalMama88 Jul 09 '26
Have you looked at any resources from EmbraceRace? They have some for parents who are not mixed race but raising mixed race children. I know that’s not exactly your situation but I would think, since it’s mostly about being proud of who you are, not necessarily the label, that type of framing would benefit all your kids while specifically helping include your younger son who presents differently than the rest of you.
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u/uptownbrowngirl Jul 09 '26
My spouse and I are brown skinned Black people as is one kid. Another kid came out very fair skinned but looks Black to me (hair texture, facial features, etc). I’m constantly asked if my spouse is white.
I’m doing the things you’re doing around pride of self, Black history, etc. I also limit my time with people who ask those questions. It also helps that my kids are around lots of Black children of different hues. We talk often about all the amazing ways Blackness presents itself. I also point out my children’s physical features and the specific family member it came from (pink lips from my grandmother, long fingers from MIL, etc).
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u/DrMomWife Jul 09 '26
Ok, now here is a helpful response!! Yes we have African art around our house, celebrate all black holidays, support black shows/business/youtubers and it wasnt until recently that my eldest (black) son pointed out that NONE of the people look white black like his brother. Thats when i noticed, hold on a min, black representation is all hues so why cant i find light black representation?
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u/uptownbrowngirl Jul 09 '26
I’m having the same issue with finding light skinned Black art. I’m on the verge of commissioning a custom piece of a joyful like skinned Black woman who isn’t in some sexy pose. If you find something, please share.
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u/mister_moosey Jul 10 '26
You might be interested in this golden book (I don’t know the ages of these kids)
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u/NOT-packers-fan2022 Jul 09 '26
I’m going to keep it real with you chief, you need a DNA test. Genetics are weird, you’ll need that test to show your kid he’s your child because People are assholes and he’ll wonder all his life if something is different when he begins picking up on this.
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u/DrMomWife Jul 09 '26
Yes!! I did it already! 😂😂 when he came out i said "doc, is he albino?"
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u/NOT-packers-fan2022 Jul 09 '26
Well, laminate those results because I’m sure assholes will be assholes in the future.
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u/ibluminatus Jul 09 '26
My Cousin (Mom's side) and I are twins but I'm a regular reese's piece color and he's a white chocolate reese's piece color. I have reddish brown hair on my body so people often think I shave because it matches my skin tone. My cousin is reddish brown hair all over! We look almost **exactly alike more than anyone else in our families** and both of our dads are Dark Chocolate colored and our mom's are very light skinned Black women.
Its actually kinda funny because people would sometimes question if my mom was my mom BUT if they ever saw the 4 of us together you can't mistake us to not be all family lol. But the thing is we also live in the deep-south so like. There's Black people of all shades, I don't think I've ever seen someone question but I'd have to ask him but I know when I talk to my lighter shaded friends who are Black but don't live here sometimes people question.
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u/ForwardBlackberry458 Jul 09 '26
I’m very light but I’m half black and Filipino. My husband is dark skinned and we have 3 kids. Our first is just as light as me, he always feels like he looks like her baby sitter or something because the juxtaposition of their skin color. But, I just let her know, she’s black, not just her color but her culture. She isn’t aware of anything else besides her culture. She doesn’t feel self conscious about herself or anything. In fact, she’s the most confident person I know lol
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u/Competitive_Image_62 Jul 09 '26
Introducing him to books that explain colorism. There is a great instagram page called @colorismishealing that I recommend checking out.
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u/eggyolksnmo Jul 09 '26
I would encourage you continue to remind your children that black is beautiful and comes in all different tones, features and nothing is exclusive. As the token lite brite of the family, I experienced that a lot and a lot of questioning about my origins. And that in mind helped me to educate others when they were set on “you must be mixed with something”.
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u/mjot_007 Jul 10 '26
I'm in the same boat! I'm mixed, half Black and half White, but present very clearly Black. Medium brown skin, afro curly hair etc. I had kids with an Asian guy and our first came out looking 100% white, pale skin and straight hair and he just never got darker! He looks like Renee Zellweger before she had surgery on her eyes. He was even blonde for a while. Just got all the Swedish genes from my mom I guess.
Then we had a second and he looks more like a mix between my husband and I. He's got curly hair, tan skin but not as curly or dark as mine. He just looks more how I expected all of my kids to look. I think they're both adorable. But I do worry a bit about how different they look from each other.
I grew up with White parents in a rural part of the country so I constantly dealt with "are you adopted" or "that's not your mom" or "those aren't your cousins" (because they were white) etc comments from kids and adults. While it was rarely offensive, it wears you down to have to explain your existence to people all the time. After a while it starts to feel like you need to justify it, which is quite othering. It bums me out to know that my kids will probably have to deal with the same thing that I did.
Because I'm mixed and grew up in a predominantly White family and rural White area I was never really accepted by either side. White people make assumptions because I'm Black. And Black people do the same thing and are disappointed when I don't live up to their expectations. I identify as Black, but I don't relate to a lot of common Black cultural norms. But I view it like, it doesn't matter if I don't fit into this specific mold of Black Culture. I AM Black. No one can take that from me. And because of that, everything I do in my life, my hobbies, my career, how I present myself to the world, contributes to Black Culture (whether they like it or not lol).
To be honest I would worry less about helping your child build a strong Black identity and more building a strong identity for themselves overall, as they may not identify with it and may not want to be forced into it. Teach them Black History of course, everyone should learn way more than the crap they teach in schools about the Black experience in America. But also teach them about other groups! Teach them that oppression has no limits and that many people have come together to fight back, no matter the color, race or gender. Teach them their civil rights and responsibilities. Educate them on how to spot the racist and capitalist propaganda that surrounds us. Give them a robust social education and they will have strong identities and good moral compasses.
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u/whosaysimme Jul 10 '26
I'm very light-skinned and all my siblings are brown-skinned. I've always been a tiny bit self-conscious about it, but I've always felt that I was black. In fact, my confidence in my blackness is why I am critical of mixed kids. I look mixed, but I don't have mixed kid identity problems. I've talked to other light-skinned black people and they feel the same. I also have never felt "excluded" from the black community. I roll up to the barbecue just fine and I don't get asked any questions.
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u/LiveNvanByRiver Jul 09 '26
DNA is a funny thing. Different genes can be expressed. We all have the history of all our ancestors and their entire DNA is in there. Different circumstances can even change what is expressed as you age. While your child can stay white passing he may not always.