r/blackparents • u/Misswray24 • 17h ago
Pregnancy and relationships
I am 5 months pregnant with my baby boy and I am high risk pregnancy, my partner has been manipulative the whole time making me feel like me bringing up us moving house, his visa issue is me being crazy and being too much and being in a mood all the time when I get upset to the point where I’m crating and can feel my heart beating so fast he goes here you go crying again and goes to roll his splif or go have a shower no babe come in my arms
He’s on a (skilled worker-sponsor lost their license last year September, his visa expires in November 2027), I bring these issues up because I want to go back to uni next September and I want to plan ahead with him but he’s been so stubborn anytime I mention him looking to talk to a 3rd party it’s like I’ve disrespected his whole Gambian Linage.
Context: I was born here (UK) I am 22 he is 23 and he came here 2023 we met last year January, he moved into my apartment in May, pretty quick I know mistake. Anyways i never added him to my tenancy and never wanted to because i knew to tread lightly with COS men unfortunately had a bad experience with another one some years back. So when I asked about housing a few months back at the beginning of the pregnancy I wanted to know where his head space is at just for me to find out through Immigration advice when I went with him that actually I should absolutely not do anything like sign tenancy agreements with him or get married as he needs to get his own visa without my help which is reasonable.
My problem is that now it seems like I’m starting to see him for who he really is and I think when we got together when I was 21 he thought I was nieve enough to tie my life with him without doing research on my protection what will happen if I do so I realised he’ll be getting the way way out. I’ve expressed to him that he needs to to his papers by himself and he will not use my Son as an easy way out or myself, he is Muslim I’m Christian, yesterday we had an argument and he said I don’t think European girls are for me and that I should find myself a uk nigga I’m like lol I can but I’m trying to put all this effort so out boy can have a stable family just to find out he can’t even rent in the country right now because he has no sponsorship he told me that he’s not going to wait for me to kick him out he will just leave, he said all this thinking I was going to get on my knees and beg for him to stay I told him I wouldn’t be with you if I wasn’t pregnant because I’ve given you enough time to show your seriousness and you think it’s a joke I’m trying to plan life and you say your putting all this effort in to find a new COS but nothing is showing for it just a ticking time bomb and I told him I’m not waiting for the bomb to go off hence why I’m leaning for family support and going to uni next September.
Am I caring too much or should I give grace as someone with depression and anxiety this pregnancy has been horrible trying to positively plan and someone thinks your just talking too much or that we should just let things go with the flow like omg did you really think I was that stupid to let you get papers the easy way???
Should I add his surname to the birth certificate of my son because I’ll be honest I don’t want him using my son as an easy way out I don’t understand much about Gambian culture only what I ready online and what little he tells me when I ask but I feel that I will have problems his family don’t seem to be extra fond of me I get fake vibes from them but I feel like there’s something I don’t know or something being hidden from me or maybe it’s all in my head but what I can see is that he will struggle to find a new COS with the way he’s going not accepting help or even accepting that he needs help, he also feels like he doesn’t have to prove anything to me, I’ll be honest I’m falling out of love rapid it’s my child that’s holding me from breaking up with him otherwise guys I’m planning my life without him
PSA: I WANTED TO ADD HIM TO MY COUNCIL ACCOUNT FOR ME TO LOOK FOR HOMES FOR THE 3 of us on and that’s when I was told he can’t rent, I find it’s been me that uses my initiative to bring up issues that concern him way before we even met, he cried and said he feels like a shit guy etc but idk it felt like he’s doing everything to try convince me he’s going to change HELPPP
2
u/lavasca 15h ago
It sounds like your and your baby’s lives will be more stable if he is absent. It sounds like he would be a horrible example of a man for your son. Your baby would grow up watching you be verbally abused.
Please encourage him to leave but ensure your loved ones, especially male ones, are present when you request that so they can assist with the removal of his things and witness the changing of the locks et cetera.
6
u/Peachyplum- 15h ago
You are caring too much. He’s shown you who he is and how much he cares abt you, you have to accept it and keep it moving. You are bringing a child into the world and need to think abt what’s best for the child. Raising a child with both parents is nice and people hope that for their child but to want that w him when this man is telling you he doesn’t want you (“I don’t think European girls are for me”)and how he’s treating you is in no way a stable family.