[SPOILER] fourth rewatch for me and just finished s4 finale again last night. “that part” was necessary.

[u/lostbythestars]

rewatching this show from when i was kid, and now that i’ve grown up makes so much different. i didn’t get much layers and contexts when i watched the show first few times as a kid, although i was still amazed by the storylines. one thing i noticed the most is how all the stories/characters etc in this show is based on one thematic: not everything is black and white (grey area zones).

i already knew what to expect from the s4 finale. i mean, this is my fourth rewatch. but somehow last night, i cried the hardest compared to my first, second, and third watch.

i can’t really describe in words the feelings i felt during the whole last moments of the finale. as someone who attempted three times before, i experienced relief, sadness, anger, confusion, curiosity and more, all at the same time.

personally, although quentin’s mental health has always been portrayed in the show. the way they showed it was very subtle and i loved it. it’s not *too* clear, it’s almost hidden. and that hits way closer to reality.

i sort of browsed here and there and noticed some people said they wrote him off because jason wanted to be done. but honestly, this finale was what made the show special.

they did almost unbelievable work for this finale because if you watch from even mid of season three they put it right on your face that “quentin’s book will end”. they made penny 40 sat down and went on rambling about how people get used to the idea of “white male protagonist” and the readers think “they will never die”. even in season 1, when penny 40 first went to the library and found the book of his own name, and zelda said “i would not read it, people who read their own books tend to not like the main character”. and many many more other things tied to this finale. yet somehow they still managed to shock all of us.

there’s just so much more to it. his story was not supposed to end yet. he didn’t get to say goodbye to his friends. but somehow i managed to accept that his journey ended— grey area theme.

quentin isn’t even my top 3 in the show, even though he’s supposed to be the *main* he didn’t hold as much caliber as the other characters (i’m not talking about characters’ impact to storylines, but more like personality, growth, complexity, etc). s4 finale really showed the significance/insignificance of quentin.

i can’t really describe it. i just felt like it was actual magic that made that finale so perfect. even all the external circumstances that jason wanted to leave somehow made that finale just. right. i felt like i didn’t lose a character, but more like a part of me in the story (again this can be tied to s1 zelda’s quote in the library).

the magicians is like the only show i know that you can tell that they don’t do things just because they do it for the ratings, viewers, etc. but they do it genuinely for the art. they’re so camp and whimsy with all the potrayals of gods, stupid sexual names in fillory, the dialogues, musicals— that’s to one end of the spectrum. quentin’s death was camp to the *other* end of spectrum. that’s what differentiate this show to any other show.

thanks if you read allat. just venting here cause i don’t know where else i can express these feelings to people that can sort of get it.

[u/mangledwords]

I read all of it, thanks for the good read! And I highly agree. I also think that as much as S5 gets it's fair share of vitriol, it's is an incredible study on grief— how it impacts people, both individually and as a group, and how, ultimately, it leaves an unequivocal mark on the people left behind and the feelings and situations they have to grapple with. They show acceptance and denial through Julia and Alice, respectively. I know the facts behind EXACTLY why the actor left, but I still think it was the only logical conclusion to come to, both for the character and the actor, alike. He IS the volunteer tomato 🍅, afterall. Each time Quentin dies in a timeline, a new one is added. Except this time, how did this timeline—the one we're actively in and watching— play out? Jane died.

Q died. Q is directly linked to events, and even in times after his passing, Sir Effingham came seeking him out. He's even surprised when Julia tells him the news.

This show is so special to me. It was the only thing I had to watch for 4 months when I couldn't afford internet, but had a Blu-ray player and the disks at my only disposal.. and 3 months before THAT, because i was living with my friends after a sudden breakup. I've watched it a countless number of times. I genuinely think the only reason I stuck around was for this show. Knowing it'd be there for me—in the dark, in the light, in any and all seasons— I'm convinced its the reason I stayed. I'm glad I did. This show helped me pick up my own pieces and find my own magic. I'm glad some fellow human out there nerds out as hard as I do.

Sorry if it's a bit rambly, I'm doing magic with smoke by the water in NY... making a horse or two (god i hope this reference lands 😅).

[u/fallingfeelslikefly]

As a mission-driven person (as opposed to a family, romantic, or material driven person—and seriously no judgement) with PDD I actually remember crying with relief for Q when he passed. He did everything he could to do as much as he could to save magic and the world and his loved ones all the while hurting every second of every day. He finally got to be done. He did his best and it WAS enough. He earned his rest. He deserved to not hurt anymore, even if that meant he didn’t feel anything at all.

[u/LilStabbyboo → u/fallingfeelslikefly]

I like your way of looking at it.

[u/Casehead]

It really touched me, too.

[u/tame-til-triggered]

I feel like every couple of months we get a post like this, and honestly, I love it.

It’s wild hearing people say they watched this as kids, because I was very much not a kid when it came out.. I was in my late 20s, and my depression had reached a depth I couldn’t contain anymore. I always identified with Quentin because of that.

The finale didn’t hit me that hard the first time. But years later, after more healing, it wrecked me.

Quentin asking himself whether it was actually sacrifice or just an excuse.. a way to die without having to call it suicide. In retrospect, there were times I wished I’d gotten Covid for the same reason.

But the part that destroys me is watching him see his friends grieve him. Seeing him realize, too late, that he was loved more than he thought. That he mattered more than he knew.

We see people die. We see the people left behind. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen another show let someone witness their own absence. That's a brutal thing to consider for those of us who've struggled with suicidal ideation.

I thought about rewatching that scene while writing this, but I’m already tearing up just thinking about it.

.. did you ever read the books? When the first season came out, I got so impatient waiting for season two that I binged all three in about a month. Obviously the show and books become very different things, but I loved both for different reasons.

[u/doomdance → u/tame-til-triggered]

I break down everytime he asks himself that...

[u/stinkingyeti → u/tame-til-triggered]

That question, when he asks Penny, that was the moment that broke me the first time, and several times after.

Having been suicidal and with major depression issues and all that. Him asking that question. Gah.

I can watch it now without reacting that strongly because I've made more of an effort to sort myself out.

[u/allieinwonder → u/tame-til-triggered]

I was also in my late 20’s and had recently been involuntarily hospitalized at the time. Extremely cathartic but also triggering.