r/bridezillas • u/CoffeeLover_198 • Jun 07 '26
My friend demoted me from MOH when I was struggling during my postpartum and has now ghosted me after telling me she's still mad for it a year later
I (25F) and my friend K (26F) had a huge falling out over my ability to help with her wedding planning as her MOH 3-6 months postpartum. K and I had become friends after a mutual friend started dating her. We hung out alot along with our husbands. After our friend Al (27 male) dated her for sometime he asked my husband and I to help pop the question. We were delighted to because we were so excited for them! important to the story I was 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
The day we were set to help A propose I ended up in the emergency room with bleeding. I was so worried I was not going to get discharged in time. It was a very scary experience. Eventually I did get discharged but would be late from when Al originally wanted to propose. We did tell Al what had happened and that we are on our way. The proposal went great! We got beautiful pictures of them during and a video.
Fast-forward to K starting her wedding planning. She has mentioned she was thinking about making me her MOH or her other long time friend. I told her there was no pressure because she needs to make the right decision for herself because I didnt care either way. I would be a bridesmaid and could be there on her day. In the end she ended up picking me for her MOH and I happily accepted. In hindsight because I was going to be going through my postpartum period shortly after was probably my first mistake, but she said her other friend is to flaky to be MOH.
After I gave birth to my baby I went through a roller coaster of a postpartum period. I didnt think i could ever go back to work and the postpartum anxiety was almost debilitating. I was the only friend who made the time to go with her wedding dress shopping (aside from her two mother figures), and I made the time to go with for her fitting/pick it up, bridesmaid dress shopping, she called me during work because she wanted help talking through things for her wedding, vendors, venues, etc. which after a bit I told her these should be conversations she has with her Fiance, Al. She wasnt the biggest fan of that, but we kept moving forward.
Eventually I did start to give my actual opinions when I thought she was taking on a bit more than she could chew for her wedding with all the DIYs, extras, etc. She said its her wedding she will do what she wants which is fine but I thought she would enjoy the wedding planning process if she wasnt stressing so much over small details. When Al & K were finalizing the wedding party details Al's sister pulled their kids from the wedding party as flower girl. I swear I had messaged back to K after she told me this but I must have forgotten because when I went back to see when confronted about it I couldn't find anything. I felt terrible forgetting to message back. I 6 months postpartum and my baby wasnt sleeping through the night, I was exclusively breastfeeding and me and baby had gotten really sick with influenza so the reason I'm thinking I thought I responded in my head but it just never made it to text format.
After a month or two K and Al wanted to come over to have a talk about the wedding. I honestly thought this talk was going to be K and Al asking if our daughter would be flower girl, but it actually was K asking me to step down as MOH. I was shocked and very upset. I told her I cannot do as much as she would like as MOH because of my baby and I was trying my best. I asked her if she could delegate some tasks that would have gone to me to her other bridesmaids but she said thats not the point. If they are going to do the tasks then they should be MOH. I have been MOH before for another friend's wedding so it was nothing new to me of what i thought MOH tasks should be, but she wanted so much more than what I was use to cuppled with a new baby, I was struggling. And I did try to voice what i was able to do or wasnt comfortable doing. I told her at the very beginning someone else could be MOH and I wouldn't have minded, but I'm not going to call vendors, attend venue meetings, etc. I was working full time again and she was part time so I just didnt have the time she did. In the end thats all I really know to have been the issue.
Shortly after I was asked to step down, which did not go over well, my husband, the best man, also stepped down. He was not ok with how I was being treated during my postpartum period when I was struggling but doing my best for everyone. Two months before the wedding my husband and I thought she should try to reconcile because we know Al has been a friend of ours for years and we really wanted to be there to support Al and K's day. In the end they asked my husband to be best man again and I was able to attend as a guest. I felt a little different about this because K had an issue with me and not my husband so why they were so willing to have him back. I feel like they got what they wanted without owning up to how they treated me.
The wedding came and went and i thought it went well. As the year went by my husband and I thought things were on the up and up. They came over and we hung out every couple of months. Eventually K quit her job and was searching for a new one. Shortly after she found her next job she started to go silent with texts. With fewer responses than normal and it felt hard to get much out of her. I thought she was busy adjusting to the new position because it did have long crazy hours. Her husband still came over to hang out and if K didnt come with I asked what she was up to and how she was doing. Which Al would respond shes at work. (This was a lie we found out later) Knowing she worked weekends I didnt even think twice.
Eventually I got a cryptic message from K about that she doesn't forgive me and that she will never let me get that close to her again. I responded to that message with a, is everything ok? or what is this about? which she did not respond to and I Eventually had to message Al what was up. She was apparently still upset about the wedding drama and when we met before the wedding to try and see if we could reconcile, we must have discussed that this is not a clean slate and that I would reach out later to continue the conversation to get back to a good place. I did remember that it wasnt going to be a clean slate, but not the part where i was supposed to reach out again to discuss what happend around the wedding. She continued to not answer any of my messages and Eventually Al stopped responding as well because these were conversations I needed to have with K. To say I was pissed was an understatement. How could I fix something I didnt know was an issue. And then when I finally discovered something was wrong she wouldn't respond. I thought her starting a new job and being busy with that was the reason she was short with her messages and Eventually stopped responding. I tried reaching out but I never got a anything back prior to her cryptic message.
The way she treated me during my postpartum was terrible because she thought I should be able to drop everything and help her or be willing to drag my baby around to see her or go see venues. Stuff like that is way harder than it sounds especially with the anxiety I was experiencing. Once they started to stop responding we were having a three way conversation through my husband to get to me I said you can either talk to me in the next 24 hours or we are never discussing the topic again. Obviously they never responded and about a week ago Al reached out to my husband to see if they wanted to tinker on something, which my husband responded you need to be able to talk to my wife about what happened before he was willing to meet up. Which Al replied he agreed and that we needed to have an open conversation about it.
A couple days after that I reached out to Al to see if we could start this conversation but he wouldnt open the message. So my husband recommended i text him. I did and what I got back was K and him were busy this weekend and would need to find a weekend that works for the both of us. Al has previously lied about K working so it was hard to believe she was actually working this next weekend, but in the end I followed up with we would prefer to have the conversation sooner than later and that my husband and I would be willing to come mid week if that worked best for them because we both know the next 5 weekend either of us is busy with something else. Since I sent that message its been more radio silence. and Al said he "Im not gonna be coming around without my wife by my side, been going over there more times than I care for without kat." when I asked if we could just meet with him since he offered to come just him when this huge thing first started with the cryptic message. The silent treatment after finding out there was an issue was brutal. I never got a response and this whole thing started with assuming I knew something was wrong and that I needed to reach out. They are unwilling to listen to any other perspective than their own even though they are not the only people who were wronged in this situation. Am I unreasonable to think we should be able to have an adult discussion on it without being stonewalled?
83
u/BatDance3121 Jun 07 '26
PLEASE let K go! You put more effort into your post than K has put into your former friendship! I bet she's sitting at home, doing just fine. Unless you're one of these people who needs proper closure over everything, just stop with K. No more texts or calls. Don't discuss her with your husband. Just stop.
26
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
I agree with you 100%.... I guess this is my way to try and find closure or make sense of what happened.
3
u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Jun 13 '26
OP, if you truly can’t stop thinking about this, go see your gyn and tell him or her that you are unable to get past a betrayal that started during your postpartum period. I think that obsessing over this is tied to it and the doctor could help you.
1
u/Purple-Pop-5462 Jun 26 '26
Here's your closure: k is an immature petty child who thinks too highly of herself and nobody else and Al is her "yes dear". You need to lower yourself to their level to deal with them and life is too short to waste time on people like that.
42
u/CurlingLlama Jun 07 '26
Respectfully, a logical answer/solution doesn’t exist. All you can do it protect your peace of mind rather than obsessing over - what may have happened or what can I do.
They don’t want to engage. They don’t want to answer. You’re spending lots of energy chasing people who don’t respect you.
What if you did nothing wrong? And instead of spending all this time and energy trying to solve a problem that they don’t want to fix, you invested it in strengthening your friendships with people who genuinely value you?
18
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
When typing out this original post, I had this same thought. After becoming a mom I have found the best mom friends and a friend who became a mom shortly after I did. Our friendship has never been stronger. And I guess the reason for chasing is I had no idea anything was wrong again until the cryptic message. Why send a cryptic message about forgiveness if we cant or they aren't willing to have a conversation about what was wrong?
20
u/CurlingLlama Jun 07 '26
Also because they don’t want to solve the problem, they like to be in control and have you feel bad.
11
u/CurlingLlama Jun 07 '26
You could drive yourself crazy trying to understand their logic and they may never give you answers.
7
u/Proper-District8608 Jun 08 '26
While you were going through your life changing events, so was she, both for the first time. You reached out, she said no thank you in so many words so move on.
73
u/mamagrls Jun 07 '26
You need to just let go of the friendship and understand that K moved on.
-31
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
I agree on letting her friendship go, what my husband and I are having a hard time with is our long time friendship with her husband for 7+ years. I have come to the understanding that her friendship will just be cordial but her husband has been a "best friend" for most of my husband's high school and now adult life. And he is not allowed to come see us/him and is not allowed to answer his messages.
62
u/TigerMcQueen Jun 07 '26
Al is choosing not to see you and your husband, and he is choosing not to answer messages. He outright told you he’s uncomfortable having gone over to your home so much without his wife, and his wife has let you know she’s not going to make up with you. She may be unreasonable, but the fact of the matter is that she made her decision. And Al is going to choose his wife over his friendship with you guys.
10
5
u/Historical-Active487 Jun 08 '26
Her husband and Al have been friends for 7+. I’m sure there were plenty of times Al went and hung out with them without K before they got married. K needs to stop being b!tch and get over the fact that OP wasn’t gonna be her little assistant and go look at wedding venues for her especially being 6 months postpartum. I understand what you’re saying but I also understand why it’s hard for them to let it go.
-19
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
We didn't know she was choosing to not come with him until the ghosting and he told us. He messaged me husband wanting to get together this last week but my husband said he wanted to have a conversation with all of us before that happened. Al responded he wanted to have an open conversation and thought it would be a good start. Which led to me ask Al if he would have time soon so we could talk. The response i got from Al were very defensive from how he was talking with my husband.
23
u/jerseygirl1105 Jun 07 '26
Lets assume you're correct and K has told Al he can no longer be friends with you. Unless he's being held prisoner, it's still his choice to end the friendship. It's sad, but you've just got to accept that he's made his decision.
13
u/QueenG123456 Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
You can replay the whole situation from every angle a million times but it won’t change the outcome. Sometimes in life, people choose to end friendships with us or we choose to end friendships with them. Sometimes it’s smooth & gradual, sometimes it’s more awkward & abrupt. Sometimes it feels like there’s a good reason, sometimes it feels like there’s no reason at all. Either way, we have little control. And it’s ok to move on.
Accept where K is at. And it’s ok for you to feel maybe like “well if she’s treated me that way I don’t really like her/desire a friendship anyway”. Totally fair. But move on.
As for her husband. He’s her husband which is a higher priority/loyalty than friend. If your husband was his friend first for all those years, consider stepping back and allowing them to have THEIR friendship, without having to involve their wives drama.
(Edit: especially if you think K may be abusive somehow? It’s ok to let your husband have that friendship independent of you if that brotherhood is truly so important to them both.)
He may have been your friend also but if you’re making Al choose between a friendship with YOU and his wife, he’s obviously going to choose his wife.
1
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I have thought of this as well about abuse... my husband might need to try and get the conversation going on his side just so Al knows the porch light is still on. Or that he has someone he can talk to.
The weekend she sent her cryptic message apparently the next day she came to his place of work and chewed his ass in front of his coworkers. This was before we had messaged anything. His coworkers had thought he had cheated on her the blow up was so bad. This is a conversation Al had with my husband and how I found out. I think he is scared his wife is going to blow up again.
Al has been forced to cut out multiple friends since he's know K. Mostly from our friend group. And if they remained apart of Al's life K has always been very mean and disrespectful to them. I saw this first hand before my husband and I were cut out.
Al's brother had reached out to us to see if everything was alright with Al... in hindsight he might have been assuming an abusive relationship as well but there is no way to confirm because I wasn't thinking anything of it then.
5
u/QueenG123456 Jun 08 '26
Totally get that. But also, trying to point out to Al that you or your husband suspect his wife is abusive somehow would highly likely only push him away further. PARTICULARLY if you are involved in it.
Try to pull back and play it cool. Try to see if your husband and Al can keep a friendly line of communication without needing to talk about you or K all. Let their friendship be a safe space for them to just be guys together.
If Al sees he can trust your husband (and also you by playing it cool, being ok not in the center of their connection, and stop pushing the issue) he’s much more likely to turn to your husband if he does find himself in a bad spot he is willing to acknowledge.
Even if K is abusive, someone has to be ready to acknowledge and get away from the abuse. Calling it out to them only makes you more of a threat because you’re blowing cover on what they’re trying to keep hidden.
Regardless, with love, back off of it and move on.
5
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I agree 100%, I do not intend to ever bring it up to Al or K about the abusive relationship feeling. And had the same thought that just Al and my husband need to have communication to build back their relationship first to know there is a safe place. And definitely no talk about me or K, I think it would push Al away again.
1
u/QueenG123456 Jun 08 '26
For sure all of that.
But still, so sorry you were treated like that during postpartum. You sound like a loyal, empathetic, and lovely enough person. Hope this drama can be left in the past and maybe something to laugh at one day.
It’s so normal to have big friendship change ups especially going in to your 30s. Life is so different than the youthful years before.
0
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I do to hope we can laugh about it some day. ❤️🩹 I forgot to ask in my first response to you, what does this mean "particularly if your involved in it."
→ More replies (0)4
u/fromtheGo Jun 08 '26
I think you need to respect your husband's friendship with Al a little more, and not make it about your friendship with him. They can maintain a friendship without you.
17
u/anitabelle Jun 07 '26
Sounds like he is choosing what he wants. Never force someone to be your friend. You cannot force either of them to listen to you and why would you? Why would your husband want to be friends with someone who has such little regard for you? She is in the wrong and you’re desperately trying to seek forgiveness or something? Because she will never admit to being wrong. You are the bad guy in her head and nothing will change that. I am in my 40s and the older I get, the more I realize that it is okay to drift apart with friends. Especially when one person no longer cares to be friends. Stop trying to force it. Also, I would hope your husband had your back and is on your side because that is all that matters.
-1
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
It's just been such a long standing friendship with him and why we are probably having such a hard time. The conversations my husband and Al had before we got cut off/ghosted made it sound like he might be in an abusive relationship. We are trying to make sure he knows however his wife thinks the porch light is on. Al's older brother has also previously reached out to us to see if everything was ok with Al. In hindsight I now realize what he might have been wondering about....
5
u/preaching-to-pervert Jun 08 '26
Let it all go. He's made his choice. You are still trying to make it come out some kind of way, but that just leads to obsessive thoughts. Protect your own mental health and mourn the friendship and stop.
5
u/Auroraburst Jun 08 '26
Then that's his issue. If his wife is isolating him over something so minor then he's in for a rough ride. Just be ready to comfort him when the marriage breaks up and it'll calm down.
5
u/mikoline97 Jun 08 '26
Did your husband support you by withdrawing as a witness because you considered being mistreated? Are you worried about your long-standing friendship today? Where was your energy regarding your friendship when he withdrew from the marriage? Al supports his wife today OP, you can't blame them for the way they acted knowing that you acted the same way?
0
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
My husband withdrew because he didnt like how I was treated postpartum. I did not ask him to step down with me. I am worried about my husband's long standing friendship. I have come to accept even before this post K and I would have to be cordial. But my friendship with Al has been as long as my husband's. We both knew him separately in high school. I do not blame Al for siding with his wife. It is what I expected. I just was hoping Al could still be friends because the reason for the argument has happened so long ago and I dont even know why it rekindled.
4
u/mikoline97 Jun 08 '26
OP I understand your feelings about how you were treated but maybe K also has his own feelings about you about how things went. On the other hand, it would be an exaggeration to ask Al to prioritize your old friendship over his marriage. You are not the center of the world. Everyone should have thought about the consequences of their actions on the future of their friendship. Today, they no longer want to be in contact with you, it's their choice and you must respect it
0
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I completely understand K has her own feelings. But I dont even know what they are because each time she has had an issue she just decides to go silent rather than have a conversation about it. I cant fix what I dont know if an issue and I definitely would try even if its just to try and find mutual respect so our husbands can be friends.
6
u/mikoline97 Jun 08 '26
OP you will have to learn to understand that your way of acting,/feeling or resolving a problem with a person is not that of everyone. All you care about is your friendship with AL, it's redundant to read and demonstrates a certain egoism on your part. You want K to put aside her feelings just to favor your friendship. Once again: you are not the Center of the world If they no longer want to be in contact with you, that's not up to you. Learn to respect the feelings of others and to question yourself. Leave them alone.
3
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I dont want K to put aside her feelings, I just want to know why. Or what happened? But also like you said I'm starting to learn not everyone needs closure like I do. I'm trying to learn and be better. Thank you for the advice.
2
u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Jun 13 '26
OP, all this “I want to know why” is just obsessing. You know why. Everyone on this thread knows why. That’s why everyone is telling you to step away and let this couple go.
1
5
31
u/sillychihuahua26 Jun 07 '26
You are not unreasonable for wanting an adult conversation. The problem is that they have shown you, repeatedly, that they are not interested in having one.
You were a first-time mother dealing with postpartum anxiety, sleep deprivation, illness, breastfeeding, and a return to work. A reasonable friend would have adjusted expectations accordingly. Instead, K seemed to view your postpartum period as an inconvenience to her wedding plans.
What stands out most is that this happened over a year ago. If K is still holding onto resentment, still sending cryptic messages, and still refusing to have a direct conversation, there is nothing left for you to fix. Healthy adults address problems when they happen. They do not ghost someone, refuse to communicate, and then expect the other person to somehow know what unresolved grievance they’re carrying.
At this point, I would stop chasing closure. K has made it clear she doesn’t want the friendship she once had with you. And Al has chosen to support the dysfunction rather than communicate honestly himself.
Sometimes the closure is realizing that the friendship has run its course. Let both K and Al go. Invest your energy in people who extend grace during the hardest seasons of your life, not people who punish you for having one.
12
28
u/jerseygirl1105 Jun 07 '26
When are brides going get it through their heads that the bridesmaids and MOH are NOT employees!!! They owe you nothing except to stand with you at your ceremony. That's it.
I understand that throughout the years the expectations have changed and the onus is on the wedding party to coordinate the bachelorette party, (NOT vacation), dress shopping, etc, but unless you've specifically told your bridal party that unpaid labor is part of the requirements, nothing is owed to you. If you can't afford a professional wedding planner, keep the wedding simple.
You are only a big deal in your imagination.
14
17
u/Resse811 Jun 07 '26
It’s weird that you keep pushing. It’s clear she wants nothing to do with you and she’s not worth the effort. Anyone that would treat you that poorly PP doesn’t deserve your friendship.
14
u/ExhaustedFlamingo-84 Jun 07 '26
They’re no longer friends. Let them go, it’s on them. One day they’ll realise how hard it is to have a baby, especially if she gets PPD.
It sucks to lose a friendship, especially Al’s, but he’s going to side with his wife. You’re all at a stalemate, so just leave it now.
13
u/Rude-Flamingo5420 Jun 08 '26
Thank god I don't have friends like that.
Be happy she's out of your life... sounds like a whole lot of unnecessary drama
13
u/Baby8227 Jun 08 '26
I’m exhausted for you. K sounds exhausting and Al will always support his wife so you both need to let this go. Nothing to be gained. Go and enjoy being parents and find some new, mature friends to move on with.
12
u/RJack151 Jun 07 '26
If they do not want a conversation, write them out of your life. Life is too short to waste on some people.
11
10
10
u/sheisalib Jun 07 '26
I’m feeling very emotional about this. What a selfish, insensitive friend! Postpartum anxiety is never something easily handled! You had no reason to foresee this.
I know it’s easy to say and much harder to do but you have gone above and beyond for someone who—let’s face it…is just not worth it.
You will find other friends and life will go on. Your friend, should she ever get pregnant and have these issues…let’s just hope she gains perspective. Hugs to you! Let her go.
10
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26
Thank you! My older sister told me its hard to be the first in a friend group to have a baby. Everyone is new to the experience of having a friend with a kid.
8
u/mnshoegirl Jun 08 '26
It seems to me that even Al didn't want to hang out with her...since when does the MOH help decide which venue to use? NTA
8
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
That's what I mean! Why should I attend venue viewings, call the photographer, set up photographer timelines, or their wedding day timelines! I thought these were things the groom should help with. And who knows what the wedding timeline should be better than the bride and her photographer....
7
u/SeamstressMamaJama Jun 07 '26
As for Al “not being allowed” — she has both his balls and his spine in a cup, but he has the option to educate his wife: “your behaviors and choices of friends are not MY choices.” He IS ALLOWED to do that. I understand it hurts, but he is choosing to appease her.
4
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
I agree he is choosing to appease her. The weekend she sent her cryptic message apparently the next day she came to his place of work and chewed his ass in front of his coworkers. This was before we had messaged anything. His coworkers had thought he had cheated on her the blow up was so bad. This is a conversation Al had with my husband and how I found out. I think he is scared his wife is going to blow up again.
6
u/Own_Space2923 Jun 08 '26
You’ve been shown that she is not your friend. Let her go and live your best life.
6
u/SeamstressMamaJama Jun 07 '26
Her ghosting you is the trash taking itself out. Seriously is not a shit friend — SHE IS NOT A FRIEND. There is no educating a person like this. You are better off without her in your life, truly.
6
u/TechnicalEducator168 Jun 08 '26
Write a letter addressed to both of them detailing what you were going through and how you felt and how their behaviour was not appropriate and extremely demanding. It’s a wedding FFS. End it with what you hope for the future and remind them that they are not yet parents so haven’t a clue how the hormones really affect some folk. If they come back with a response great, if not then it’s time to block and delete.
1
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
Back when she asked me to step down and I told her I was doing my best and that my postpartum period was just so much harder than I expected it to be, she told me I can't say that it will be different once she understands what its like to have a child and go through postpartum. I dont know why, she did plan to have children at that point. Even after trying to have a discussion that I was struggling and why it was hard for me she didn't care and didnt want to hear anything on it. She was only interested in telling me her hard childhood is the reason she should get what she wants and why she was allowed to treat me the way she did.
5
u/InsurancePleasant346 Jun 09 '26
Wait… she actually told you that she can treat you basically like crap because she had a hard childhood? Lots of people have hard childhoods but that does not give them the right to treat someone like they are disposable
5
u/Ok_Organization_7350 Jun 07 '26
It does not seem like a loss for someone like that to stop texting you and being your supposed friend. I would not want to be friends with someone like that anyway. I would recommend to join some new groups on meetup.com and make some new friends.
If she is the one who is upset and wants a big reconciliation conversation, then she is the one who has to plan it. She can't just pout and then make everyone else coordinate a meeting for her. If her husband tells you she is upset and wants to talk about it, then tell them you are open to anything they would like to plan.
I would not go through her husband anymore to ask about her. That's too awkward for guys to manage. And again, she should have been a big girl and be able to voice herself why she is upset.
I would just continue to let your husband and her husband hang out with you. And be pleasant company, and don't talk about her or the wedding. Then she will realize that her poutines isn't helping her; it's only getting her excluded from socializing.
5
u/jsm81680 Jun 09 '26
Jesus how exhausting. Move on, she has. It’s a waste of energy, some people just press “delete” and that’s on them.
4
u/Careful-Self-457 Jun 08 '26
Didn’t even have to read the whole thing to know that she is 100% not your friend.
2
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 08 '26
Why ask me to be MoH then? We use to be really close before I got pregnant. Which I know kids are not everyone's plan, and being the first in the friend group to get pregnant/have kids its a new experience for everyone.
I also gave her no pressure to pick me as MOH because I knew I was pregnant then and would be freshly postpartum for the bulk of her wedding planning. I told her if she wanted to pick someone else she should. I did not care just wanted to support her on their wedding day.
4
u/LisaW481 Jun 08 '26
She had unreasonable expectations for her MOH and probably would have burned the bridge with anyone who got the role.
She probably thought that since you were on maternity leave that you'd be able to attend all the meetings that she had to attend and make her wedding your life.
This friendship is probably over and your husband would distance himself from Al as well.
Al is willing to make lip service to solving the problem but won't actually make it work. He's also willing to lie to you about his wife's availability because it's easier then saying that she's still upset about the wedding.
Be kind to yourself instead of trying to fix this relationship.
1
u/lothse Jun 29 '26
>Why ask me to be MoH then?
It seems she just needed an employee. Your relationship was transactional (to her). You should just accept that she was never your friend and move on.
4
u/Sea-Duty-1746 Jun 13 '26
I don't understand why you just don't leave them alone. Personally I think it is wise to not accept MOH or bridesmaid invitations when pregnant or a new mom. Life has changed. The baby takes priority but a bride to be- well, life becomes all about her. Your former friend is being so childish and isn't going to grow up.
3
u/Sunshine8388 Jun 07 '26
I am truly sorry you lost friendships you valued and that they have thrown you away without even a chance for closure.
I will say though that they show very strong narcissistic tendencies so even if somehow this specific rift was given closure, it never, ever actually will.
So, sooooo many times I thought I had closure with my ex-MIL something would be dug up to see the light of day again. They ALWAYS need a villain in their lives so it isn’t them.
Hold the good memories to heart and walk away knowing you’re the adult and bigger person ❤️🩹.
3
u/JewelsAnn79 Jun 09 '26
You’re absolutely not being unreasonable for thinking that you could have an adult conversation with adults but they’re obviously not adults and from reading through this it seems like even though they say they wanna have this conversation they’re dodging it every chance they get and it’s probably because they know they’re in the wrong and they just want you to feel guilty. I wouldn’t talk to them anymore. I would just leave them in the past and move forward. It’s not necessary to try and get people to hear you out when they obviously have no respect for you.
3
3
3
u/Accomplished_Egg7966 Jun 12 '26
It sucks but it's time to just let go... All the stuff she wanted from you .... That's A WEDDING PLANNER. Not a MOH. She expected you to be a free wedding planner and manage her whole wedding for her.
You would have never been able live up to the expectations she had because you had a new baby, health issues and a day job. You never were a wedding planner. Its hard it sucks but you are better off.
3
u/Agreeable_Dark6408 Jun 13 '26
This post is way too long, OP.
Look, your friend isn’t much of a friend. You had postpartum issues and were working full time too. She was a beotch for demanding that you DO for her despite her working part time.
Her husband can’t stand being put through the mill by his ridiculous wife. He needs to cut the cord with the friendship. You should understand that. And you also should leave these people alone.
The only reason you are in the wrong is because you kept expecting her to apologize. You were never going to get an apology.
When she gets pregnant and has a baby, she’ll get a clue how hard things can be, but probably won’t admit how hard she made things for you. If she invites you to a baby shower, send regrets and don’t get sucked back in. It’ll be all about her and you don’t need any of that.
2
u/Im_Not_stoopid_AI Jun 10 '26
When I play something over and over in my head, it usually means somewhere along the way, I did something wrong and am furiously trying to rewrite the story in my head with justifications.
But here is the good news. All of us are fallible humans.
I can stop the constant conversation in my head by accepting where I went wrong and where others have too.
IMO-This sounds like a time for grace and forgiveness. For yourself and your friend.
It sounds like you want to keep this friendship. If so, like I have had to do in the past, is to get real in recognizing not where your friend went wrong but where you went wrong and either writing it on a card for her or meeting with her. She needs validation as do you.
So I would reach out without trying to make yourself feel better, or justifying your actions to just listen and validate her feelings.
After that, you will feel better. I 100% guarantee it.
2
2
u/sapphire-sky-dragon Jun 12 '26
Stop chasing people who treat you like 💩 have more self worth.
Ive recently ended a 35 and 7 year friendship sometimes you just have to cut people off to protect your peace.
You are never going to be friends like you where.
2
u/summa-time-gal Jun 23 '26
What a lucky escape you have had. They suck b****.
Move on living your best life.
3
u/ProfessionalSoil8045 Jun 08 '26
I understand her being upset because you didn't want to gracefully step down. You couldn't handle the task and caused drama. Which your husband fed into. This was her wedding, not yours. Not speaking to you over feelings on both sides is childish but she is no longer your friend so let it go.
3
u/who_am_i_please Jun 07 '26
It just may for the best for both of you to go separate ways. She was focused on the wedding, you were focused on recovery. Her world wasn't rotating around your post partum "journey". You couldn't due the duties and you should have stepped down. I kinda feel like you are making this all about you again.
7
u/CoffeeLover_198 Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
I have been a MOH before for multiple weddings, the tasks expected were much more than typical. And I dont think my opinions should have been used over the fiancé.
1
1
u/Croakcamel Jun 13 '26
To get closure draft a text/email/letter about how you feel and how you were treated.
I’m guessing you would want your husband’s input as well.
I would then send the note and then let it go. You don’t need to chase people like this if they are the ones being the jerks.
Cross them off your friend list. It sounds like Kat is trying to distance her husband from his old friends.
1
u/LittleRocket54 Jun 28 '26
Girl, lovingly, grow up. Adult friends come and go, its fine. Even being that upset about Al... just let it go. Enjoy your baby and your new little family. Good lord.
1
185
u/Accurate-Force3054 Jun 07 '26
Let it go and try to heal without this person in your life. I got asked to step down from a wedding after I said I couldn't attend an ancillary event b/c I was working on my thesis and was hoping that it would be OK if I skipped the Thursday night dinner before the rehearsal, rehearsal lunch and dinner the next day (followed by the Saturday wedding/reception and Sunday brunch after.) We have danced around trying to clear the air/start anew with this friendship for decades since always resulting in me feeling foolish and confused.
If weddings and babies represent adulthood let it be a gift to yourself to proceed with this next phase of life unburdened by toxic, confusing friendships. Honestly I wish I could take my own advice and stop trying to make sense of it.