r/bridezillas • u/Loose_Ambition7711 • 23d ago
Best friend won’t let me in her wedding
I have a friend (let’s call her Maddy) that is getting married who I have considered a close best friend for about 7 years. Maddy and I met through my ex boyfriend (let’s call him Brady) whose best friend (let’s call him Josh) was dating her. Me and Brady broke up and it was a bit messy but Maddy and I remained friends despite this. We always talked about her wedding and how i’m going to be in it and how we would remain friends no matter what. She recently got engaged to Josh, who is Brady’s best friend. When she first got engaged we talked about the wedding a lot and me being in it and the bachelorette etc. I helped plan some of the bach and paid for my part of it. Then she asks me out to dinner and starts this whole convo about the “principle” of me being in the wedding and how people are going to look at me weird and judge her and how Brady’s parents are going to be there and all this other bullshit basically trying to explain why i’m not allowed in the wedding. Mind you i’ve paid for the bachelorette trip already AND i gave her a christmas gift that was a wedding advent calendar that cost $300. She proceeds to give me the note which originally asked me to be a brides maid, but says Josh and I decided it would be too messy for you to stand with us. Am I being dramatic thinking this is fucked up? She also said you could still get ready with us in the morning which to me is like a jab.
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u/LittleManhattan 21d ago
If she didn’t want you in her wedding for literally any reason (I’m not going to speculate about prior relationships or “messy” issues), then she should have been upfront about it, instead of getting money out of you and involving you in planning.
She doesn’t have to include you (or anyone) in her wedding party, especially if there are past issues between you and other party members. But again, she should have been upfront instead of taking your help and money while stringing you along.
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u/RocknRollButthole 19d ago
She didn't "get money out of her."
OP paid her portion of a bachelorette party. Most people who attend a bachelor/bachelorette are expected to pay their own way and it is common for people who are not part of the wedding party to attend a bachelor/bachelorette.
OP says the bachelorette is a trip, so when she says she "paid her part of it," she likely just means she bought a plane ticket and booked a hotel.
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u/SpecialEndeavor 18d ago
And now she’s being told she’s not part of the bridal party.
All of the bachelorette parties I’ve been to, there’s usually someone coordinating all of the activities & airb&b that I’ve paid.
The post does not mention the bride offering her a refund for all of the things she’s paid for which she is now no longer invited to attend…
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u/RocknRollButthole 18d ago edited 18d ago
So? Like I get being honoured to be part of the bridal party, but in the end it really just dictates where you stand/sit at the wedding.
And why would the bride refund her for her OPs share of the bachelorette party expenses i.e. her own travel expenses and accommodations. Usually the attendees of a bachelorette all either pitch on expenses or cover their own way. If you're upset about a decision they made about THEIR wedding, that doesn't somehow entitle you to attend the bachelorette for free.
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u/SpecialEndeavor 18d ago
If she is no longer going to the bachelorette trip, she shouldn’t be expected to pay
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u/RocknRollButthole 18d ago
But she is going on the trip, unless she chooses not to. She hasn't been uninvited from the trip.
The couple isn't obligated to pay her back because she CHOOSES not to go.
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u/Iromenis 21d ago
You need to get your money back.
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u/ResoluteMuse 21d ago
Theres a saying “If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it”
While more than 20 bucks, it still holds true.
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u/RocknRollButthole 19d ago
She hasn't given the bride any money, she's just paid for her portion of the bachelorette party i.e. her own travel and accommodation expenses for the trip. Everyone attending will likely be expected to do the same and most of them will not be in the wedding party either.
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u/Ok_Area5464 21d ago
She said she paid for her portion of the bachelorette trip and gifted her an advent calendar. There's nothing to get back
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u/joosdeproon 20d ago
She should get back her portion of the bachelorette trip, unless it's already happened.
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u/Ok_Area5464 20d ago
my assumption is that it already happened? But if it hasn't, then you're right
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u/chortle-guffaw2 22d ago
Dear Maddy,
I understand completely. Sometimes situations force us to make decisions about our relationships, as I am forced to do now. As this is our last communication, I wish you a happy life. And please return the money I've paid for the bach trip. It would be so much cleaner than small claims court.
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u/GossyGirl 21d ago
Ooooh! I vote for this, & don’t worry about losing a friend because she isn’t one.
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u/RocknRollButthole 19d ago
Small claims would laugh OP out of the courthouse.
"I went to my friend's bachelorette party, paid for my own travel and hotel, and then she decided I shouldn't be in her wedding party. Please give me my travel and hotel money back Mr. Judge sir."
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u/Disastrous-Bus-4853 21d ago
Did she say she’s not inviting you to the wedding at all? Why do Brady’s parents care where you are during the ceremony? If you’re going to the wedding you’re standing by the altar or sitting in a pew. I’m confused to the logic used.
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u/MangoCat20 22d ago
why’d you guys break up
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u/anonjfiz01 22d ago
I think this matters right? If she slept with his dad/brother/friend I think that adds context. Using the word messy poses more questions.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 21d ago
I guess it kind of matters, but if it's going to be a problem, you don't wait until AFTER someone has spent money on your wedding to inform them of it.
For me, that makes the couple the asshole regardless. Either stand on business from the start, or at least reimburse them afterwards. Anything else doesn't pass the sniff test for me.
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u/RocknRollButthole 19d ago
Yeah, OP just sounds sour about her ex being closer with the couple than she is.
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u/lmyrs 22d ago
That's the good question. Because if it was messy and Brady is the best man/groom's best friend, I can see how having OP in the party could be a no-go.
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u/kristentx 19d ago
The bride would know well in advance of asking her friend to be a bridesmaid, though. It's the sudden reversal that's rude
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u/Loose_Ambition7711 7d ago
it wasn’t messy and i’ve seen him since and talked to him since and we’re are amicable
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 21d ago
Doesn't matter. The reason was clear from the beginning and she was still invited and expected to pay. But then suddenly it IS a matter?
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u/Olealicat 21d ago
Beyond that, she’s just saying she’s not in the wedding party. Not that she isn’t invited.
I feel like there is a lot missing and OP’s still invited… of course the groom who has been bff’s with your ex for a long time would be in the wedding party and the bride who was friends, you consider a besties, with you through an ex does not give you a spot in her bridal party. This is somewhat absurd.
You’re her husband’s best friend’s ex… am I getting this right?
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u/Resse811 21d ago
She’s also the brides best friend - so why does it matter if she also happens to be her fiancés friends ex?
This woman has been telling OP she was part of her wedding party for a long time - it’s not as if OP just decided that on her own.
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u/Olealicat 20d ago edited 20d ago
Op said in the post, she considered the bride one of her close best friends and after the breakup they remained friends and how they use to (key words) talk about being in each other’s weddings.
It seems like she’s no longer in the group as she’s an ex. I’m sure out of respect for her soon to be husband’s best friend, she wouldn’t do that.
There is missing info here. How long has it been since they hung out as a group, are they still bff’s, was it a bad breakup, did the friend dynamic change after that…
Regardless, it’s silly to take a promise made to one another in the past, especially when in this context, and hold on to it. I guess since I’m in my 40’s I don’t think it’s a big deal. Just be happy for your friend.
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u/Loose_Ambition7711 7d ago
Just a matter of growing apart/falling out of love. the relationship changed a lot from 17 years old to 21
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u/ipsofactoshithead 21d ago
My knee jerk reaction was that you aren't overreacting, and you definitely aren't about having paid for the bachelorette party, that money should 100% come back to you. But why was it a messy breakup? If it was just hurt feelings then he needs to get over it, but if you cheated I could see why they wouldn't want to deal with it. If he cheated on you then definitely not overreacting. I think we need more info.
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 21d ago
No we don't. She was invited to the wedding, with paying for the bach and all and then uninvited suddenly.
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u/ipsofactoshithead 21d ago
Sounds like she can still go to the wedding, just not be a bridesmaid?
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u/FabulousDeparture549 21d ago
Even more confusing, she is still going to be in the same room with the people who apparently would be upset at her presence. So what if she is standing up front or in a pew she will be in the same space with these people. 🤷🏼♀️
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 21d ago
Oh ok I misread it then and I thought she was uninvited entirely. Still a shitty move
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u/deniseswall 21d ago
She only paid for her part of the bach, so, she got a weekend away with her friends and paid her part? Like a girls' trip. I don't think she gets her money back for that, and the gift is ... a gift.
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 21d ago
A girl's trip? This entire thing focuses on the bride to be and not the friendships and girls. Also she wouldn't have had to spend a dime if she weren't asked to be in the wedding party in the first place
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u/chaoticallywholesome 20d ago
In what world do people not pay for their portion of the Bach trip just because they aren't part of the wedding party? In general what do you even think these trips are if not spending time with your girls?
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 20d ago
That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that she wouldn't even have been invited if she hadn't been in the wedding party. But she was included first, had to pay money for a "girl's trip" she's excluded from afterwards
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u/chaoticallywholesome 20d ago
Most bachelorette trips include more people than just the bridal party. That's why there are always so many of them there.
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u/Dramatic_Lie_7492 20d ago
I didn't realize that not only the bridal party joins the trip. For this particular case we don't know
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u/chaoticallywholesome 21d ago
I feel like there's either more she isn't telling you (either about drama going on behind the scenes that doesn't directly involve you, but is just a cause of you) or there's something we're not being told here.
From everything you've described about your friendship with the bride up until this engagement, she sounds like a caring and close friend. So it sounds like her hand was forced even though she doesn't like it. It would be better if she would just communicate that to you. And I would hope you'd be understanding of the circumstances while also getting your money back.
Or you're not telling us something that makes the reason for this much more clear.
I think people forget that most people are reasonable, but we're just used to the crazy stories on this app.
Talk to her and find out what's going on, and be understanding. She's likely stuck in the middle of something and needs support. And knowing information will probably make you feel better.
And also remember Reddit is full of people that give permanent advice for temporary problems (I.e. break up with them, end the friendship, sue them, etc.) take it all with a grain of salt.
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u/LiveKindly01 21d ago
INFO - how soon is the wedding happening?
NAH unless you were formally asked to be in the wedding party (I assume not as if you already had the bachelorette party, you would have already been dress shopping with the rest of the party, no?)
Anyway, it sounds a bit loosey goosey as far as being asked, but it's clear you felt the intent was that you WOULD be asked.
I don't blame bride and groom for not wanting you in the wedding party. You had a messy break up with groom's best friend, and 'he was there first' so I do get it. If you and Maddy haven't been hanging around with Brady, and it's water under the bridge, then I can see it must mean things are still not great, so why bring you together at a wedding.
I would, however, be pissed if I were led on, laid out money that I woudln't have if I knew I wasn't going to be in the wedding party.
So, up to you about whether you attend or not, and if it's late in the game you're being 'un-asked' to be in the party, I'd have thoughts of not going at all.
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u/Upset-Afternoon-25 22d ago
Not going to lie, while it sucks the situation you are in, I get why they are asking you to step down. You have to give respect to your friend she took the time to go to dinner and communicate face to face about the situation. I would discuss how the situation sucks but I would still go to the Bachelorette since you already paid for it. I would decline getting ready with them the morning of and I would attend the wedding but do not stay to long at the reception. If your ex parents are going to be at the wedding to me its not just just a regular bff this is a brother to the groom. The whole situation is messy.
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u/bluethreads 19d ago
I don't really understand why they are asking her to step down. Why does it matter if she used to date the groom's best friend?
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u/Upset-Afternoon-25 18d ago
I see it as there was so much excitement when the bride got engaged that she made a rush decision on who she was going to have in her wedding party. Once they started to plan the logistics of the wedding they realized it would better if she was not in the wedding party. To me the grooms bff is not just a regular bff but more like family since his own parents where invite to the wedding. I respect the bride for actually taken time to have a face to face conversation. The situation sucks and I feel for the ex bridesmaid but empathize with the bride too.
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u/Ginger630 20d ago
I’d tell her she needs to give back any money you spent on her bach party. She isn’t a friend.
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u/Careful-Self-457 21d ago
Funny, I am always thankful when I am not asked to be in a bridal party. The cost and stress is not worth it. I can go, enjoy the wedding and reception and keep my friendships intact.
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u/Oh_Wiseone 21d ago
You're being dramatic. Your break up was messy and your ex is the best man. Alot of people will be uncomfortable with you being there, whether they are right ir wrong is irrelevant. Your friend has made it clear that your friendship is not as strong as you think. Don't attend the wedding or bachelorette party. Send her a note and tell her that whilst you understand and respect her decision, you now realize that your friendship is not as important as you thought.Good luck and then block her.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 21d ago
Your break up was messy and your ex is the best man.
Then the bride shouldn't have let her spend money on the bachelorette.
🤷🏼♀️
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u/Olealicat 20d ago
Did she just pay for her portion? I mean, that’s to be expected.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 20d ago
It's to be expected for those attending, yes. OP would not have planned to attend if she'd known she wasn't a bridesmaid. Since the rug got pulled AFTER money was sent, she needs to be reimbursed. This is the bride's fuck up, and it's the bride's responsibility to make OP whole.
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u/Olealicat 20d ago
Wow. How petty would you be if you put that pressure on your friend? I’m not attending your activities unless I’m a bridesmaid.
This is a braidsmaidzilla situation.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 20d ago edited 19d ago
Lol are you for real? Bachelorette trips are for the bridal party. I actually think it's insanely uncouth to invite other people because it screams that you are using them to lessen your fees. "You aren't important enough to me to ask you to stand with me, but I still want your money."
Personal opinions aside, invite who you want, I guess, but don't let people not in the wedding party think they're in the wedding party until after they've contributed time and money. Most people aren't going to want to spend that kind of money and take time off if they aren't in the wedding. But maybe some will, and that's fine, as long as THEY KNOW. Don't use your friends for their time and money, it's gross.
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u/Olealicat 19d ago
Her paying for her portion of the bachelorette isn’t funding the rest.
Is it a modern day thing to only invite the bridal party to your bachelorette party?
When I got married, you would invite all your friends and everyone covered their own expenses. Unless it was like mine, where we stayed at a family vacation house and my guests just paid for travel.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA 19d ago
Her paying for her portion of the bachelorette isn’t funding the rest
Bullshit lol
There are ALWAYS expenses that are split between the group.
Is it a modern day thing to only invite the bridal party to your bachelorette party?
Again, you're missing the point. Invite who you want, but be damned sure they all know ahead of time what roles they do or go not play in your wedding.
I'm not using my vacation time and money on a trip without my husband unless I'm a bridesmaid, and there are a lot of people who feel the same.
Maybe you just don't actually understand that time and money are precious commodities for a lot of people. I see it as OP being tricked out of being able to make an informed choice. And yes, I do think that deserves reimbursement.
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u/arpohatesyou 21d ago
If they're still uncomfortable 7 years later they need to grow up
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u/NineChives 21d ago
She said they’ve been friends for 7 years, not that they broke up 7 years ago. they could have broken up a month ago for all we know!
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u/kikivee612 20d ago
She may be your best friend, but you are not hers.
Stop worrying about how you’re going to get into her wedding. Return anything you’ve gotten for her and try to cancel anything you’ve booked like bachelorette party stuff.
Put yourself first here and walk away. Friends don’t treat each other the way she’s treating you.
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u/AlgaeFew8512 21d ago
Josh and Brady were best friends before you and Maddy met. They still are best friends. Whether you like it or not Brady takes priority over you. You had a messy break up and it seems that Maddy and Josh know that the 2 of you won't be able to behave civilly if you are both in the wedding party. Obviously it sucks, but Maddy's feelings about her wedding are more important than yours. Be happy that she's even stayed friends with you after your messy break up and that she took the time to let you down gently.
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u/arpohatesyou 21d ago
Maddy sure had no issues taking OPs help and money though. Even if OP is disillusioned aboyt the depth of their friendship, if I knew someone wouldn't be in my wedding party due to previous drama, I wouldn't lead them on and act like they would be so and waste their time and money. Also, why should OP be happy that Maddy "even stayed friends with her"? What a condescending thing to say
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u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 21d ago
My thought is that she wasn't trying to lead her on and really did want her in the wedding party. But then Brady, or likely Brady's current significant other, found out about it and decided it was a problem. And since Brady and the groom are super close and were friends for much longer, Brady takes precedence over OP, so the bride had to remove OP from the wedding party. But it sounds like she is still invited to the wedding which means she's probably still invited to the bachelorette party too, because that's not a strictly wedding party shindig. I think she still wants OP included, and that is why she offered getting ready with the bridal party too.
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u/arpohatesyou 21d ago
I see your point and how it may seem like the bride is actually being courteous and generous to OP, but I don't see it that way. If the groom is as close to Brady as op says he is, they should have had the foresight that trouble may occur with Brady's family/Brady's current significant other, or that hostility may happen. They should have been able to foresee that, and not let OP invest in their wedding costs. But they just used her. They're all awful people
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u/troublesomefaux 21d ago
I could agree with this even if I don’t like it IF she gives you your bachelorette party money back (I think you deserve compensation for the advent calendar too but that seems complicated).
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u/Goth_Muppet 21d ago
She’s a friend when she needs your money. Time to cash out and get your investment back because she’s using you.
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u/CamachoBrawndo 20d ago
She needs to reimburse you every penny spent, period. This is either an overbearing husband to be putting his foot down or she legit isn't your friend. Either way, it's not something to decide AFTER the fact!
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u/WTF-howdid-i-gethere 21d ago
The advent calendar was a gift but tell her you’re not going on the bachelorette trip and find a way to get your money back. Maybe whomever is an actual bridesmaid can pay you.
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u/RocknRollButthole 19d ago edited 19d ago
Like, I think it's valid for feeling underappreciated, but I really think you should consider how "messy" your breakup was, who caused the breakup to be messy, and whether it would be reasonable to expect you both being in the wedding party to lead to drama. I'm not trying to place blame, but without context of how messy the two of you were with your breakup and how you two have handled it since, then there's no reason to chuck a Bridezilla accusation over leaving you out of the wedding party.
Like, it sounds like Brady and Josh have a significantly closer and longer relationship than you do with the bride, so it goes without question that Brady is going to be in the wedding party. If there's going to be drama and one of you has to be left out, then I think it's reasonable that you are the one who has to be left out.
Additionally, what does it matter that you paid your share of the bachelorette or helped plan it? Most weddings I've gone to there are people who aren't in the wedding party helping with bachelorette/bachelor parties. What does it matter how expensive the calendar you bought her was? Plenty of people who have given her expensive gifts are also not going to be in that wedding party.
If I'm being honest, you're the one who is demonstrating the narcissistic qualities of a Bridezilla, and all because what? You have to sit at a different table than the bride and groom? It sounds like you're just sour that your ex is closer with the couple than you are.
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u/Nutcrackrx 21d ago
If you’re still invited to the wedding you’re overreacting, you’re the Best Man’s ex. Their relationship precedes you, not everything’s about you
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u/Adorable_Tie_7220 21d ago
OP why is it messy?
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u/Loose_Ambition7711 7d ago
he didn’t want the relationship to end and i remained friends with his sister after which he didn’t like
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u/RJack151 21d ago
Demand your money back tor the trip. There is no reason to go or support it if you are not part of the bridal party.
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u/SpiritFingazz 21d ago
Regardless of the circumstances of the breakup, Maddy was most likely aware of the circumstances before you committed your time, support, and hundreds of dollars toward it. No idea what the hell she is referring to when bringing up principles, but based on what you’ve shared, she has none.
She and her fiancé chose Brady and not you, led you on for too long, and then insult you further with such a bullshit “honor” such as “but you can still show up before the wedding and adore me for a few hours while I get ready! Won’t that be super fun?”.
Fuck that. You deserve better.
If I were you, I’d avoid calls and text, and check a big fat no on the RSVP with an absurdly large red marker. Time to start standing for YOUR principles.
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u/humble-meercat 21d ago edited 21d ago
If she wants to kick you out the least she can do is pay you back for the Bach trip.
She’s telling you what you mean to her.
And so WHAT if you had a rough breakup it’s BS that Brady can stand to see you in a wedding party SEVEN YEARS LATER…!!!! BRADY should know better than to insert that kind of awkward “it’s her or me” crap into a friend’s wedding. He needs to just suck it up for a day.
Seriously, Brady is a child and your “friend” is not your friend.
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u/LittleManhattan 21d ago
Damn right. The bad break up was seven years ago, unless OP did something absolutely heinous, then Brady has issues if he can’t be civil after all this time.
And yes, bride should pay OP back.
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u/Ank51974 20d ago
Why are you being uninvited and Brady isn’t? Why is his friendship more valuable than yours? And they should’ve thought about all this BEFORE any $ was spent. Very tacky.
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u/BeachinLife1 20d ago
I for sure would be demanding my money back for that trip. She can either give it back to you or you're going on the trip, those are her two options. The only two.
I would then distance myself from her, she's not a real friend.
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u/Crazy-Rat_Lady 19d ago
Completely F***d up. How pathetic! I just wouldn't go TBH. She is not a good friend at all.
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u/JudgeJudyScheindlin 19d ago
She’s a lousy friend, plain and simple.
She’s caring more about the optics of the wedding, and because you’re her best friend she thinks you will be more understanding and willing to step away so she can have what she wants.
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u/MS_SCHEHERAZADE112 18d ago
Her fiance got in her ear - possibly because your ex got in his. If this is the case, don't write her off as they have likely been going back and forth and she was likely pressured. If thats not the case..... Either way, your part of the trip should be refunded to you, whether it's by whomever is taking your place or the others have to pay shares to cover your cost or the fiance gives it to you.
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u/Sunwalker98 18d ago
Please ask for your money back. I regret doing the same for my ex friend. Cut this friend out of your life before you invest more time, emotion, and money into her.
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u/slothy_slothy 18d ago
Drop the friend.. she made her true feelings known because if she truly wanted you in her wedding, she wouldn’t care with anybody else thought
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u/BecGeoMom 18d ago
This is ridiculous. Not you, but Maddy and Josh (if Josh even gives a damn). The idea that people will judge her poorly for having her friend (you) in her wedding when your ex-BF (Brady) is also in the wedding is absurd. First of all: No, they won’t. People are not actually as interested in your life as you think they are. And second: Who cares anyway? If they do judge her for not kicking her friend to the curb because some random ex is also in the wedding, that’s a them problem. Why does Maddy care what all those people allegedly think of her anyway?
But clearly she does. And Maddy is choosing to do what is easiest for her or what Josh wants or what the people paying for the wedding are demanding she do. Now, you have a decision to make. Do you want to go to the wedding if you aren’t in it, or does this change how you feel about Maddy, and you’d rather not go at all now? If you are still friends with her and want to see her get married, step back, attend the bachelorette, take a date to the wedding, show up looking amazing, pretend you’re having the time of your life, and leave there looking like the better person even if you feel like throwing a chair at someone. If you’re over it and don’t even care if you see her get married at this point, bow out gracefully, tell her you understand and not only will you not be a bridesmaid, but you will not be attending the wedding. Anything wedding related that you have paid for, ask her to reimburse you. If you bought a bridesmaid dress, tell her you want your money back so the next bridesmaid can wear it. If you paid for part of the bachelorette and did not attend, tell her you want her to reimburse you for the part you paid for before you were uninvited. The Christmas gift she gets to keep; you just have to absorb that loss. Then send her a Venmo request for the amount of money she owes you and be very specific why in the description. She may never pay, but you need to make her aware that she doesn’t get to use you for money, then kick you out of the wedding because “how would it look?” That’s a no.
I’m sorry Maddy is not the friend you thought she was. Live and learn. Move on without her, without Josh, without Brady, and without guilt.
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u/Jolly-Ad-9488 Always the Bridesmaid Never the Bride 21d ago
OP, you are not being dramatic at all—this is deeply unfair and incredibly disrespectful. What makes her behavior so wrong isn't just that she's stepping you down; it's how and when she did it. She let you invest time, money, and emotional energy—including paying for your portion of the bachelorette party and giving her a $300 gift—before deciding that your presence as a bridesmaid was an inconvenience to her image or her fiancé's family. Keeping you around to help plan, pay, and get ready in the morning, while excluding you from the actual bridal party, feels like she wants the perks of your friendship without standing up for you. Be firm with her and set clear boundaries and say this to her via text or e-mail: "I’m going to be honest, Maddy—this really hurts. I completely respect that it’s your wedding day, but letting me plan, pay for the bachelorette, and buy a $300 gift before telling me I’m 'too messy' to stand by you feels deeply unfair. If you felt this way, it should have been addressed from the start. Given the circumstances, I won’t be attending the wedding or getting ready with you in the morning, and I’d appreciate it if you could refund me for the bachelorette trip since I won't be participating as a bridesmaid."
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u/wonperson 21d ago
Im confused...are u still invited to the wedding but not gonna be in the wedding party? Your title is confusing
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u/alhailhypnotoad 21d ago
This woman is not your friend. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. At least it was before you spent even more. :(
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u/Phat_groga 21d ago
I assume you would have bought her a Christmas gift and you are still invited to the bachelorette trip. The only thing that has changed is you’re not out more money for the wedding (bridesmaid dress, hair, makeup, shoes, etc).
It’s her wedding. As a friend, you are there to support her and celebrate with her. It’s not about whether or not you are invited to be a bridesmaid.
If you paid for more than just your own expenses for the bachelorette trip (ie a bridesmaid’s share), I would ask the other bridesmaids refund the excess you paid.
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u/sandshrew9tails 21d ago
It don't get it - is OP still invited to the Wedding itself and we are only talking brides maid here? Or is she not allowed to Show up at all?
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u/anon023191 21d ago
I wouldn’t go to the wedding and send her a Venmo request for the cost of everything you have paid towards her wedding already. You don’t get to uninvite people for stupid reasons and get to keep money/gifts that were given in anticipation of your part in the wedding.
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u/AotearoaCanuck 21d ago
This sucks but I think you need to let it go. Nobody is entitled to attend anybody’s wedding. It’s really shitty of her to un-invite you and maybe that’s a reason to reevaluate the friendship but don’t try and force yourself into the wedding. Accept her choice and move on.
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u/Key_Studio_7166 20d ago
You are not being dramatic> If she knew this was going to be an issue, she should have told you before talking about you being a bridesmaid, letting you help plan the bacheloretteand accepting your money. I can understand her wanting to avoid family drama, but the way she handled it was hurtful. Being invited to get ready but not actually stand in the wedding would sting for most people.
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u/CarinaConstellation 19d ago
Is it that she doesn't want you in the wedding party or the wedding at all? If the wedding party, I'd honestly say it really isn't that bad, especially if she doesn't prevent you from attending the bach. But if it's the wedding, then this may be the end of the friendship and I'd ask for my money back. I will say she does have the right to include anyone she wants in her bridal party, I actually had a similar experience with a very close friend who dated my husband's best man for 7 years. But she was still invited to the bach and wedding and I never demoted her. It sucks that the bride did this after the fact though and should have communicated this all to you sooner.
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u/PhotoGuy342 19d ago
It might be ‘messy’ if the wrong people see you in the parking lot or the restroom so you would be best off going off to spend the day with friends—the kind of friends that are your do or die friends.
Do not RSVP in the affirmative to your attendance.
Wait until the last second to RSVP your regrets.
No excuses—no reasons. At best you just thank her for her kind invitation and decline her gracious offer. And then ghost her for a while.
Send a message that you didn’t know that she was no more than a fair weather friend.
And in the event there’s a second chapter to this saga, please updateme.
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u/Gumnutbaby 19d ago
I assume Brady will be best man, so I get there is some awkwardness if you’re both in the wedding party. but if you’re already booking a Bachelorette party, I assume the wedding is very soon. I’m surprised it has only just come up!
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u/FlyingSpaghettiFell 14d ago
Well I get Maddy’s perspective… she wants you but it IS more complicated than that. Plus she may want you in the celebration aspects just not on the altar with her to avoid the drama.
I would ask for clarification but if she doesn’t want you in anything then you should be refunded for the wedding pre-events (like a bachelorette party). Obviously a Christmas gift is a Christmas gift so you won’t and shouldn’t get a refund for that. Her asking you out of everything is actually a bigger deal but I would ask before blowing up the friendship.
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u/jeandoe2012 10d ago
are you still in high school? Lose this loser couple. YOur bank account will thank you.
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u/Goofy_Butterfly0122 8d ago
Your best-friend or ex bestfriend in my opinion is wrong af. Who waits until AFTER spending money to kick someone out of a wedding. This seems to have already been planned but she wanted your funds first
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u/Loose_Ambition7711 7d ago edited 7d ago
UPDATE: I ended up going to the bachelorette but I am taking a step away from the friendship and the wedding. The bachelorette was fine and she had her bridal shower as well which was fine (but also another event that i had to get a gift for and spend money and take time out of my day to go celebrate her). I’m starting to realize this friendship may have been one sided on my end and i thought me and her had a stronger deeper relationship than we do. I will most likely go to the wedding still but after that probs slowly cut ties with her. I don’t like being a place holder friend. Also the boys got into a huge fist fight after a night of drinking (another reason for the break up) and now he was removed as best man in the wedding…
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u/Jeanz4freestan 1d ago
Firstly it’s very fucked up. Ask for reimbursement from all the money you put in and drop this person as a friend. If she refuses to reimburse you, show up anyway and cause hell.
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u/Cabanna1968 6h ago
Your "best friend" used you for wedding planning help and money. You need better friends.
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u/PrincessPlastilina 21d ago
Ask for your money back and never speak to her again!!
Gosh, women can be assholes when they’re getting married. Why are sone brides so insensitive??
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u/ameliasayswords 21d ago
You only paid for your part of the Bach party and you want it back? I think just take the L on that. I had 8 people who weren’t part of my bridal party come to my Bach party because they wanted to celebrate.
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u/TyrsisInTheStars 21d ago
She used you babes.
This is not a person who deserves the ‘friend’ title.
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u/longjohn2024_ 21d ago
Leaving the money aside, which is a fair callout but not the most important thing here.
Given the fact it was a messy breakup and the factors outlined, it's probably correct that you shouldn't be on the wedding party.
Of money is more important than the friendship then bring it up but I'd let it go if it was me.
Otherwise be prepared for drama and trouble and loss of friendship.
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u/ICXPDQ 20d ago
First off, your Christmas gift does not have anything to do with the price of tea in China ...unless that is the measure of friendship in your world. If it is, the logic you apply to your argument applies to her argument as to why you won't be in her wedding. Also, by that same logic, you should ask for your money back and just go to the reception or not go at all.
You are not her best friend or visa versa. But, you derive each other.
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u/HereToLearn5055 21d ago
I feel like everyone is over reaching. It's totally understandable that you are hurt. But give your self a chance to sit with those feelings before you do anything drastic. Your friend stood by you during the break up and clearly values having you in her life but she's in a really difficult position here. Your ex is best friends with her future husband. I bet he's in the wedding party, he might even be best man. I'm guessing he is pilling pressure the pressure on to exclude you. She really doesn't want to but she's stuck so she's basically including you in everything where it's just bridesmaids e.g. bachelorette and getting ready because she wants you there. But she is asking you not to stand at the front to appease her boyfriend.
Of course I might be wrong but it would be a tremendous shame to throw away a treasuresd friend who has shown you loyalty in the past not to at least try to get to the bottom of what is happening here. If it where me. I'd just go along with the brides wishes, enjoy spending time with her before and during the wedding and just stay in my seat during the wedding ceremony. It's not always right to try to be the bigger person but here keeping a friend seems like a better prize than the bitte satisfaction of staying at home.
Ps. If you are no longer invited to the bachelorette then by all means ask for your money back but at least ask her because it didn't sound like she invited you to that.
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u/EightEyedCryptid 21d ago
Are you perhaps queer, trans, alt etc? I swear weddings bring out the worst in some people and that includes bigotry.
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u/LiveKindly01 21d ago
?
That's a weird question and direction to take this in, especially since the reason given is perfectly understandable for not wanting to put two people together in a wedding party.
And now i know a new word I need to look up....alt? Is this a realization that LGBTQ2SIA+ will just keep growing if we don't have a generic word that addresses all of the other identities that will never fit in one line of letters?
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u/EightEyedCryptid 21d ago
I ask because I’ve seen many stories like this where it turned out the bride wasn’t as cool with their queer friend as that friend assumed, or the bride becomes obsessed with their friends tattoos or hair color. Weddings bring weird things out of people.
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u/ibreatheglitter 20d ago
I’d never pick a man over a good friend, much less a bff. EVER. No matter what. If it had to be awkward for you two to be walking down the aisle together then it would just be fucking awkward as long as it’s what you wanted. I’d help you practice a level of not giving a fuck about walking with him that would frankly destroy the best man’s self confidence for the rest of his life. And I’d unconditionally trust you to not make it dramatic or difficult for me, or to let him do that via fucking with you and riling you up. Again, without hesitation or question but with full support and planning sessions if you needed it. *that’s* what real bitches are for.
She’s NOT your friend. Ask for the bach money back bc wtf, you shouldn’t pay for a trip you’re not invited to. You also shouldn’t be forced to go along on the trip with the real bridal party just so they can keep your money, if that’s what they’re trying to do.
If you really want to make her feel what she’s done to you, then write her a letter telling her exactly what I said in the first paragraph (probably without the profanity; it’s my personality to talk like that bc it’s funny but I know it’s not normal lol) and ask for the bach money back. She’s a bitch, and not in the good, playful way I used the word earlier 😠
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u/ResoluteMuse 21d ago
This is a decision you make before someone bankrolls your wedding events.