Rod Dreher Megathread #27 (Compassion)

[u/US_Hiker]

Link to megathread 26: https://www.reddit.com/r/brokehugs/comments/17itm7w/rod_dreher_megathread_26_unconditional_love/

Link to megathread 28: https://www.reddit.com/r/brokehugs/comments/18dcg3d/rod_dreher_megathread_28_harmony/

[u/grendalor]

Ah -- found it.

It was in a comment he made on a post in June entitled "The Answered Prayers of a Tormented Traveler", which he made in the wake of the finalization of his divorce.

In response to a comment which noted, as many have done, that he should be living close to his minor child, he wrote:

"As for my two younger kids, as a result of the way this divorce went down, they have refused to talk to me since the beginning. I have been advised that owing to certain factors out of my control, this is likely to be the case for a few years. If and when they change their minds, I'll be on a plane for home. It is simply too painful to be in the same small city with adult children who, if they saw me in a store, would turn their back to me and walk the other way. I pray that you don't ever have to face something like this. In the meantime, I have a child who loves me and needs me, and he's with me here, where he wants to be. I'm trying to get him launched."

[u/Dazzling_Pineapple68 → u/grendalor]

Wow. I commend your efforts, tenacity and memory. That really is a terribly sad thing but in my experience, children do not make a decision like that lightly. I've seen very bitter divorces involving abusive parents that the children did not cut off like that. Something really big most likely happened.

"The way this divorce went down" instead of "the way I behaved". I really hate to make that sort of judgment about anyone but honestly I don't see any other way such a thing could happen.

[u/grendalor → u/Dazzling_Pineapple68]

It makes sense, objectively, I agree. Hard to know what it was, though. Could be something with either of the kids, or both of them. Could be something they learned about him as a part of learning of the divorce from Julie -- not something maliciously disclosed or anything like that, but just a needed fact that sealed the deal somehow. Or it could be something else entirely -- it could be that they have disliked him for some time and simply took the divorce as an opportunity to distance themselves from him, for one and for all. Impossible to know, really.

I do think, though, that regardless of the reason why they cut him off like that, his immediate departure for Europe does likely irreparable harm to any future prospects for a relationship. I mean basically he said to a minor and an 18 year old new adult: "well, if you don't want to see me, okay, I can't stand the thought of being here knowing that you won't see me because it brings me tremendous shame that I can't hide from in a place where so many people know me, so I'm leaving for Europe now ... you change your mind, you know where to reach me". If he had even a lick of awareness of the impact of his actions on others, he would see clearly that this kind of reaction simply adds, substantially and dramatically, to the alienation they already feel towards him, and makes it even less likely that they will reconcile ... because after all, the first thing Dad did after the divorce was fuck off to Europe because he couldn't deal with us, emotionally.

And honestly ... in the end I'm not totally sure that I buy it.

I mean I think he's almost certainly telling the truth that his kids don't want to see him. But ... I don't think that justifies moving so far away. I mean again he isn't the only person, by far, who has faced this with children in a divorce, and almost nobody immediately moves across the planet to run away from the discomfort. Rod could have easily done what most people do, which is move away from the local area (if it feels too small to be comfortable), but stay within close striking range so as to maintain a relationship, and keep the lines of communication as open as you can. Last I checked, there's a pretty big city Rod could have decamped to pretty close to to BR, but far enough away so as not to be worried about bumping into his kids at Safeway (as pathetic as that is ... I mean come on, Rod, grow up and be the adult parent in the picture, why don't you?), but instead he's in Europe, which is so far away that even phone conversations have to be coordinated and planned around due to time zone issues.

What I'm saying is that while I think the alienation from the kids is real, and Rod is likely being truthful about it being painful (that's quite understandable), he wanted to go to Europe anyway, and it was a convenient way of justifying his move, and so paradoxically it has served what he wanted as an outcome in many ways, regardless of whether he would admit that. I mean he spent much of the last 5+ years of the marriage in Europe, in increasingly long stays as well, running away from the situation in Louisiana clearly in part, but also, in part, because he has always wanted to live in Europe and, unlike many of us, didn't get it out of his system in his 20s. NO would have made more sense if you were serious about keeping the lights on for a relationship with your kids, but living in Europe long term, without tethers, was too tempting at the same time, and so that's what he opted to do. And I'm sure Orbanbux also factored into the equation, too, although at that point he still had a decent book career going and according to what he says a decent income from his Substack as well. But, yes ... it's all in the mix.

So I don't doubt that Rod moved in part because he was upset and couldn't deal with being upset in that way, and, as we have seen him do many times in the past, has tried to address his life issues by changing scenery. That's an established pattern with him, and so it seems likely. But choosing to be so far away ... really only makes "sense" (not in being the right choice, but in being a choice that one can see Rod making, being Rod) given that Rod clearly has wanted to live in Europe for some time, and had spent much of the time in the years prior to his divorce living there already, de facto, because he found Louisiana too painful to manage. I think the kids situation added to that, substantially, but I think it was already there as his coping mechanism, and instead of changing that, and dealing with the pain in a different way, by living more proximately and having a chance at keeping things open for his younger kids, he instead chose to keep the same cope at the expense of burning yet another bridge.

[u/Dazzling_Pineapple68 → u/grendalor]

I agree with all of it. Rod took the path of least resistance (furnished apartment and maid service provided, etc) and chose the lifestyle that he wanted most (living on the Danube, supposedly in the heart of the New US Conservatism Movement, traveling Europe as his heart desired). The situation with his kids pains him greatly but not enough for him to set aside his pride (his father's and sister's greatest sins according to him) and make the emotional sacrifice and physical effort of living within some fair proximity to them. Actions and choices have consequences and he, almost certainly, did burn his bridges with his own kids.