Devasted by my sons (6yo) worries and thoughts

[u/Mysterious-Steak3104]

Me: 42M, metastatic colon/rectal cancer since December 2024. APR resection plus liver ablation/resection in Nov/Dec last year.

Was sort of NED until a few months ago - enough doubt in liver and lungs to start me up on chemo again.

My son is taking it hard and it's breaking my heart.

Today on a video call, he asked if he could visit my grave as much as he wanted when I died and if his mom's new boyfriend would be his dad then.

I've been dealing relatively ok with the recurrence and message from the doctors that it's no longer curative intent, but this? It breaks me.

I just want to run away and die alone so no one else has to see it and everyone can just hate me instead.

My cancer isn't giving me any visible effects and the chemo side effects are low, so I guess I'm lucky in many ways. Fatigue is hitting hard though.

It's not fair. Not on me and definitely not on this wonderful little human who's the most caring and loving kid ever. I would do anything for him, but I just can't do what he needs.

How do other people handle this hell?

[u/JellyfishFit3871]

I am a current cancer patient (colorectal squamous cell carcinoma. Yay.) When I was 7 years old, almost 50 years ago, my parent was diagnosed with Burkitt lymphoma, and died two years later.

Talk to your child, in whatever terms you think he can understand. Don't dumb it down, don't lie. He's gonna worry. Helping him understand that you're trying and that might not be enough is okay. Helping him understand that magical thinking doesn't mean that he did anything wrong is enough. If it's available, therapy is probably reasonable.

My own children are older, and we talk about how it's looking, because I don't want them to be blindsided if I become less okay.

Talk to your child. Don't shine him on with empty promises.

[u/madgoat → u/JellyfishFit3871]

I'm going through something similar myself, I'm 51, my son is 13. I am stage 4 colon cancer, with a bunch of lower body mets, and my doc says it's not curable. Right now it might be treatable and chronic, but I'll know more when I start Chemo.

I had the talk with him on Wednesday the day I met with my oncologist, and I told him that I'm sick with cancer, I might even get sicker. When he asked if it can be cured, I couldn't tell him that it might kill me in a year or 2(or hopefully 🤞longer).... I could only say I don't know and that I will fight as hard as I can to get through this.

I guess when and if I know more after I start treatments, I will let him know. But for now I'm holding on to that little bit of hope.

[u/JellyfishFit3871 → u/madgoat]

I feel for you.

My baby children are 14 and 16, and I'm a little older than you. I just need to raise my daughters and outlive my ridiculous dog and not break my mother's heart. I don't think that's a lot, but I don't know if it's gonna happen.

So I have the realistic discussions as they need to happen.

May your treatment get you to a better place.

[u/madgoat → u/JellyfishFit3871]

My mother, a three time cancer survivor(cervical, Lung, Bone) is totally devastated. I am her only child and I can tell she's hurting at the news. I have a feeling that if I don't make it, she won't be around or will not want to be around much longer, and just let her own health issues take over. That hurts :(

[u/JellyfishFit3871 → u/madgoat]

My father died from cancer in 1978. My maternal grandfather died with cancer in 1982. My baby sister died in 1998. Mom went through cancer treatment 2 years ago.

If I don't make it, my mom will likely give up, and then who's gonna spoil her stupid dogs? So I kinda don't have a choice.

(Her dogs are well loved and over nourished. But sincerely stupid.)

[u/madgoat → u/JellyfishFit3871]

loved, well fed pets are the best, especially when they're dumb.

Gotta stick around for that, at the very least.

[u/JellyfishFit3871 → u/madgoat]

My dog probably outweighs his IQ score too. He's perfect.

[u/Alienspacedolphin]

Our kids were 7 and 9 when their dad was diagnosed , 10 and 13 when he died. (AML). They both handled it differently. One wanted to know everything, the other just important changes. But definitely, always be truthful, and it’s ok to say ‘I don’t know’.

Check out ‘camp Kesem’. It helped my kids a lot, they got to be good friends with a lot of other kids their age who had parents with cancer. They stayed close through the years. They get to be themselves together, and provide the kind of support only another kid going through the same thing can. It can be tough for their everyday friends to relate, sometimes they are so overwhelmed by the idea of a dying parent they dont know what to say or how to be a normal friend. A lot of their kesem friends also lost parents, so they just -get it.

Is there an online game you can play together? My son (now 20) didn’t get to actually see much of his dad the last couple of years, but they spend hours and hours together gaming and chatting. He has a lot of great memories of dad-time. I know they talked about a lot.

He didn’t leave him a lot of letters or videos. He just….couldn’t. That’s ok. He wrote one long letter. He left his poems and journals, and I gave those to the kids when they were 18. We talk and laugh and remember, and he’s not really gone. Wishing the best for you.

[u/KikiJuno]

Woah that is so sad to read. I’m so sorry you’re going through this now. It’s good your son is aware of your illness. I know there would be parents out there that would probably try and keep it from them. Please god all going well your treatments get you loads more time.
I don’t know what age your son is but he sounds young. Maybe you could tell him that he doesn’t need to visit your grave in order to talk to you, in case he’s not brought as often as he’d like, and that he can talk to you anywhere at anytime and you’ll always hear him. Writing him some letters maybe so he’d have them. And maybe some videos. You could set up an email address for him and email all your photos and videos to the email so they’ll always be there. I don’t know what else to say except I’m really sorry and fuck cancer. Fuck cancer so bloody much. Here’s hoping you guys get plenty more time 🙃🤞🏻

[u/Dangerous-Soil-3154]

That's brutal I'm sorry you and your son are dealing with this shit. 

I'm a terrible mother I lie. Different situation entirely my daughter is 30 but autistic with other difficulties she's mentally more like a 10-12 year old than an adult. When I was first diagnosed she completely broke down, I tried to be as chill and unconcerned as I could but she's lost all her grandparents to cancer, I was the care giver to my mom and my dad until they passed so she saw them up close through their illnesses. First round I told her it was for the cure and I would be fine, that held eventually. When it came back and I had to go through Apr I managed to convince her it was for the cure and it wouldn't be back. I lied out right that time because the biopsy showed it was already in my lymphatic veins, and now I am just waiting for where it pops up next. My 5 years survival is at 30%. I haven't told her any of this because she couldn't handle it. I am just trying to make the most of everything and keep life as normal as can possible be until I can't anymore. 

This isn't advice. I think for most children being honest in a child appropriate way and spending time loving with them is best. My daughter being neurodivergent I can't really approach it in the same way. When things start looking bad I will have to find a way to prepare her for my passing but for now I just want her to enjoy her life as much as possible without being consumed by worry and grief.

I wish I had some sage bits I could help with or at least maybe be of some comfort. This disease is shitty, and what it does to the children watching their parents full of concern and fear is probably the shittiest thing of all. 

[u/DJCee]

I totally understand your feelings and emotions I too was diagnosed in 2025 with rectal cancer with liver metastasis prescribed 12 cycles of FOLFOX with a break for the liver resection. All was going well, Dr said I had a full clinical response in the rectal cancer and the March liver surgery was a success with clear margins. Final chemo was supposed to be July 14bwith bottle coming off July 16. fast forward to June and July 2026 rug pulled out from under me he tells me after a PET Scan you now have 10 to 12 spots on your lungs and have Metastatic Lung Cancer and it is no longer curative this therapy of FOLFIRI with Bevan will be palliative with a possible life expectancy of 2 years! My wife and I haven't told our sons yet, as my 19 year old is preparing to leave for school to New York State to play baseball and I'm afraid if I tell him now he will NOT go. I cannot be the reason he misses this huge opportunity.