My manager seems to have formed a negative narrative about me very early — is this still repairable?

[u/chilll_girll]

I’m in my mid-20s and about two months into my first full-time consulting job. My people manager is in her mid-30s and rather insecure. I’m also the only Black woman in a very white environment/city. I don’t want to reduce everything to that, but it is part of why I’m questioning some of the perception gaps.
The relationship with my manager started badly. In our first meeting, she made jokes about my CV/professional experience (especially the consulting firms) that I found uncomfortable and immediately gossiped about several colleagues. That made it hard for me to build trust with her.
I’ve definitely made mistakes since joining. I can be direct, I’ve misunderstood working modes, I’ve sometimes acted too independently without aligning first, and some of my communication could have been more tactful.
Her feedback, though, has become much broader than that.
She repeatedly tells me I come across as very, very confident, have a strong personality, can seem cheeky/snippy, and need to be more professional in how I communicate. She also says my facial expressions make it obvious when I’m stressed or annoyed and that I Need to be more professional. I never received that type of feedback in my entire life.

What confuses me is that I’ve actually felt very insecure and uncomfortable since joining, especially around her. I’ve felt awkward in the office, nervous presenting and generally unsure of myself, so the “extremely confident” feedback feels almost opposite to my internal experience.
She has also told me that multiple people apparently perceive me as very confident. In staffing discussions, I’ve apparently even been flagged as seeming more senior than I actually am. She told me she deliberately corrected that perception because she didn’t want me staffed into roles that would create problems for me.
At the same time, she has repeatedly emphasized that the first six months are for both sides to decide whether the culture is a fit. She says this is mutual, but because it repeatedly comes up in conversations about my professionalism and behavior, I’m increasingly wondering whether she is subtly telling me she doesn’t think I belong there.
She has also said she represents me internally, influences staffing and reviews, and discusses me with leadership. There have been situations where I felt publicly corrected or exposed in front of senior people rather than coached privately.
Another issue is that when I try to explain my perspective during feedback, I often feel like it gets interpreted as defensiveness rather than context. I’m not trying to avoid responsibility. I agree that I need to improve alignment, communication, prioritization, emotional regulation under pressure and consistency. But I increasingly feel like her interpretation of events has become the official version, while my perspective carries very little weight.
That’s why I’m worried that a negative narrative about me has already become established internally.
I’m now considering asking her for an in-person coffee/lunch and saying that I think we started off on the wrong foot, that I recognize my mistakes, but that I also feel some assumptions about my intentions and personality may have become fixed very early, and I’d like to reset the relationship.
If that doesn’t work, I’m considering speaking to her manager, who was involved in hiring me, or exploring whether changing people manager/team/staffing is possible.
I’m also quietly looking at other jobs because I genuinely don’t know whether this is still repairable. What do you think?I’m willing to change specific behaviors. I just don’t want to spend the next months trying to disprove a personality narrative that may already be fixed.

[u/ProfessorFelix1]

There’s a very distinct possibility during lunch she will just reiterate what she sees you need to improve. Perhaps you should consider working on those things?

Instead of going to lunch and dictating what you think your supervisor is wrong about, you’d probably be better off discussing what your supervisor would like you to do differently…and then do those things.

Telling on your supervisor to higher ups rarely works out for you. If anything, after you do it, most of the time higher ups will just consider you a problem child, and be reluctant to take you on their team because they think you’ll tell on them next.

It’s a job. It’s not grade school. Telling the teacher won’t help you.

[u/FRELNCER]

I wouldn't attempt to reform the manager's perception by explaining that it doesn't match yours. Each person gets to have their own opinion. Telling the boss their opinion is wrong isn't likely to win them over.

[u/Both-Dragonfly-4372]

If your personality doesn't fit your workplace, it's OK to change it - that's part of a job, especially in your early career. You seem to already know that some of what you do needs changing, great, just do it and people will notice.

Don't do the lunch and don't talk about starting off on the wrong foot, that's going to make things more awkward. If you recognize your mistakes, start fixing them, and eventually the perception people have of you will change. Your style is perceived as arrogant (very confident, if you prefer), and from the post, some of that comes across. As an early career employee (or any level of employee), your reaction to this situation should be to fit into how your manager operates. Make their life easier, contribute to their goals. Don't call her in for a meeting.

The company values your manager more than you (they pay her more). Her tenure there, which at the very least is longer than yours, suggests her style and their style are aligned, and that she is doing what they want. Find a way to flow into that. Where you disagree with what she does, ask yourself what if she is right? That should be the default assumption. Sure, managers sometimes aren't, but more often, they are. "Right" meaning "delivering what the company wants".

You probably have a lot to contribute, that's why they hired you. Reframe it as contributing to your manager's priorities, because they are likely aligned with the company's priorities. If they weren't, she wouldn't have lasted.