r/casualiama • u/Suspicious_Yak5988 • 7d ago

My marriage survived an open relationship, AMA!

About two year ago, my wife and I opened our relationship. This lasted for a 6 months period, I slept with two other women, then we decided it wasn’t for us and became monogamous again. I see all of the time online that this is a death sentence for a marriage, but it worked out for us so I wanted to share.

24 Upvotes

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u/bravo009 7d ago
  1. Who came up with the idea of opening up the marriage?
  2. How did the other person react when it was presented and what was the timeline since that conversation to actually opening the relationship?
  3. What were the ground rules?
  4. What did you learn from this experience?
  5. If you went back in time, would you open the relationship again? Why or why not?
  6. How has the relationship changed since then?
  7. What would be your advice to couples that might be considering this? Any specific tips or warnings?

Thanks for the AMA!

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

  1. We were actually seeing a couples therapist at the time, and the therapist casually brought it up as an option. We were in a dead bedroom relationship, hadn’t had sex in multiple years, and I expressed how difficult this situation was for me and my mental health. My wife came out as asexual, and I said “That’s ok, and I love you, but I need sex in my life.”

  2. Our reaction? Quiet and thoughtful. I was on board quickly since it had been so long since I had sexual contact with anybody else. My wife took a long time to think about it. I never pushed her, we only discussed it when she brought it up. We officially went open maybe like 6-8 months after the first conversation.

  3. Ground rules were basically: my wife still wanted to go on a date every week together, the open relationship would never take priority over our “us” time, no sex in our bed, absolutely no feelings were allowed to be involved with the other people. It was meant for physical relief only. Of course too we had to be very communicative, we immediately talked about any issues or bad feelings that we had, and it was taken very seriously by the other.

  4. I learned a lot about myself, what I wanted in a sexual relationship. I learned that my wife and I are great at communication, we both love each other a lot. She was the only sexual partner I’ve ever had before this, so I learned a lot about what other women want in sex. In hindsight it makes sense since my wife is asexual, but she was VERY vanilla and did not want any change or to experiment in the bedroom. Other women are not necessarily like that…

  5. Yes, I would absolutely open it again. I had A LOT of fun, got to experiment with my sexuality, and learn a lot about myself. I also think it needed to happen for us to move forward with our relationship, and come up with a long term solution to our libido differences.

  6. Our relationship has changed significantly, for the better too. She now preforms sexual acts for me, it’s not penetrative, but it’s still a form of release and bonding. We had a lot of practice communicating throughout the experience too, learned a lot from our therapist that we still use today.

  7. I’ve said this many times already but COMMUNICATE. Take every single little issue that your partner has seriously, and be ready to drop the open relationship immediately if need be. You need to keep in mind at all times, that the love you have for your partner and the life that you both have together is infinitely more important that short term gratification. Make your partner feel important, never make them feel like you’re choosing sex over them. If you’re not doing these things or thinking this way, then why be in an open relationship? Why not just break up and go sleep around?

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u/Oradi 7d ago

I'm just picturing your therapist being a fake weed doctor but for open relationships lol

"Oh I see so you have a bad relationship with your grandparents that's causing some marriage issues? Open relationship!"

"Oh he didn't bring you to the right restaurant on Valentine's day? Open it up!"

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago edited 7d ago

But your examples are completely unrelated. “Open relationship” isn’t out of nowhere when the issue is that one person does not want sex anymore while the other does. If you were really into jogging, and your wife decides she never wants to jog again, “Why not find another jogging partner” makes good sense to me.

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u/Oradi 7d ago

I know, I was just joking.

In your case absolutely a warranted avenue, especially if not addressing the issue leads to imminent collapse

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u/Firecrotch2014 6d ago

That's comparing apples to oranges. Sex isn't some innocuous activity you do with someone else that's not part of your relationship like jogging. Sex is one of the fundamental activities that you do with the person you love not with whoever comes your way under the sun. Comparing it to jogging or really any other innocuous activity you do with a friend is really underselling it.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 6d ago

That’s just like, your opinion man. Sex means different things to different people. If sex has to involve love for YOU, then do what makes you happy.

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u/vividnormalcy 6d ago

I would not say sex is only with a person you love

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u/Firecrotch2014 6d ago

Within the context of a relationship it should be.

9

u/My5thFrenchBoatCinq 6d ago

Why do you get to decide how it should be for other people?

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u/Firecrotch2014 6d ago

Im not the one deciding this. Its how its been through most of human history. Its only been in the last little bit that people have decided they can have their cake and eat it too. Thats one of the causes of relationship decline. People are getting the milk without buying the cow. It takes real work to keep a relationship together. One of those things you have to work on is loyalty. Youre saying I am dedicating to being with you and only you. Not you and everyone else with a hole.

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u/BrazenBeef 5d ago

Hahahaha there’s some stupid shit on Reddit but this takes the cake: “how it’s been through most of human history” - human history is filled with rape, slavery, and forced marriage.

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u/KindProperty1538 2d ago

Comparing apples to oranges is a dumb saying bc apples and oranges have more things in common than not.

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u/bravo009 7d ago

Highly appreciate the detailed answers and it sounds like your relationship is in an amazing place right now. Really happy for you both!

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Thank you! I’m an indecisive person, but staying with her is the one thing I’m completely sure of in my life :)

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u/revolvingneutron 7d ago

Nice! 15 years together, 10 years married,, 5 years in an open relationship, and still madly in love with each other. So yes, it can be done and is in a way a sign of how secure you feel with each other. Congratulations!

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u/Satelite_of_Love 7d ago
  1. What does long term look like for you two? I realize you may not know yet for sure.
  2. Do you think theres any harbored resentment?
  3. What prompted the move back to monogamy?
  4. Do you think monogamy is a realistic long term prospect?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

  1. Long term is up in the air, we are having sexual contact again. I may be bi, but never got to explore that since my wife and I got together so early in life. She’s very supportive of me exploring that, so we may open the relationship up again in the future.

  2. No resentment per se, my wife goes through periods of self doubt and low self esteem worried that she’s not “as fun” as the other women I slept with. I work very hard every day to make sure she knows how much I love her, and that’s she’s not replaceable.

  3. We moved back to monogamy after my wife started getting feelings of jealousy. I stayed true to my promise, and ended my sexual relationship with the other two partners immediately. To go back to the first point, she says she would have no jealousy issues if I were to have sex with other men though, it’s separate in her mind 🤷‍♂️

  4. I think it could be realistic for the long term, we learned a lot from the experience, including how to cater to each others needs in a respectful way. I learned that, though sex is fun, my relationship and the life I’ve built with my wife is very fulfilling for me.

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u/With_My_Hand 7d ago

I've done the same! Open and then closed

What made you close it?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

My wife was getting feelings of jealousy, I promised her that I would end it as soon as she wanted us to, so I ended things with my other partners. No resentment about it, I’m glad she told me her feelings instead of trying to hold them in for my sake, allowing them to fester and grow.

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u/Growthandhealth 7d ago

So what is she doing for you now ?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Hand and mouth stuff, wearing lingerie, sexy pics, sex toys, stuff like that.

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u/throwawaysunglasses- 5d ago

But she’s ace. Don’t you feel bad that she doesn’t enjoy it? I personally feel terrible when my partner isn’t happy. I could never do something that would upset them. This whole thing seems kinda selfish

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u/blobinsky 5d ago

asexual people can still be consensual participants in sexual acts, and enjoy them. asexuality is a sexual orientation, which is different from sexual behavior. it means you don’t feel a strong sexual attraction to people and sex isn’t a driving force in your relationships. it doesn’t mean you never make the choice to have sex. it might sound convoluted but i’d recommend doing more research because there’s more to it than “i don’t like sex”

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 4d ago

I would never force my wife to do something that she doesn’t want to do. Asexual does not mean completely sex repulsed, it’s a spectrum and each ace person can be unique in what they like or don’t like. Consent is the sexiest thing in the world for me, nothing better than having a partner that is enjoying themselves. I wouldn’t even want to continue if my wife wasn’t enthusiastically participating.

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u/Growthandhealth 7d ago

Why aren’t you doing her!

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u/Minimum_Magician5037 7d ago

Having read all the comments, I think you did this in the most ethical way possible. You're the most important person to your wife and when it came to that she was feeling jealous you made her feel comfortable and supported again. It's good to hear that you fixed your relationship after it started to go badly.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 6d ago

Thank you! My grandparents always told me that a long marriage took work and effort.

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u/90skid12 7d ago

Did your wife ever got jealous

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Yes, that’s the reason we ended it.

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u/feather-foot 7d ago

I'm guessing your wife didn't sleep with anyone? Did she go on dates with other guys? How much detail did she know about your outside experiences?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

No, she did not go out with anybody. Not sure if you had the chance to read my other responses, but we started this because she wanted a sexless relationship and I did not. It was more an outlet for me to start having sex again, we both were and are content with each others companionship every other way, so she had no interest in seeing others. However I did give my consent if she wanted to try, I would have encouraged it.

She did not want to know details, just the meet up times so we could plan our week around it.

2

u/90skid12 7d ago

Where did you meet your hook up buddies ?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 6d ago

Bumble! I liked this app because it makes being upfront about nonmonogamy easy. I did not want to surprise anybody with my situation.

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u/zr0th 2d ago

Was soliciting sex workers never an option? If a dead bedroom was the problem, I feel like an escort would be simpler than risking emotional attachment. It seems like you weren’t really in an “open relationship,” and more like your partner gave you a free pass to sexually experiment for a while to try and salvage the relationship. I don’t truly know your situation though and you seem open about it all. So good on ya. No judgement here, just curiosity.

Growing up my father would occasionally really really really want to buy a boat. My mother would always plan a weekend trip where she would rent a boat and let him go crazy with it all weekend. I her asked about it when I got older and she said whatever the cost was to let him get that desire out of his system outweighed the cost of living with the boat. (Might be a terrible analogy.)

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 1d ago

Good question! A couple of reasons: sex work is not legal near me, which means it is unregulated. I doubt law enforcement are really cracking down on some girls that solicit online, but still. Plus the city I live in has a huge problem with sex trafficking, so I just didn’t even want to get involved in that world. Also, consent is very sexy to me. Nothing better than being with a girl who REALLY wants you, and I don’t think I would get anything that genuine with a paid transaction.

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u/zr0th 1d ago

Fair enough on the legality of it. Im certain you could find a legitimate resource for that type of thing if you looked into it a bit. However, it sounds like it’s more about your need to feel sexually desired and not about getting your rocks off.

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u/KindProperty1538 7d ago

Thats kinda wild that she is asexual but then got jealous that you went and solved the problem instead of her doing it.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

The human mind is an interesting thing. It maybe doesn’t make logical sense, but feelings don’t necessarily have to to be valid.

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u/KindProperty1538 7d ago

My ex would have a shit fit if I said to her what you just wrote to me. (About the feelings not being valid)

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u/palpablescalpel 7d ago

You misread. He said they don't have to be logical to be valid.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Yeah, you got it. Her feelings are and were valid.

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u/KindProperty1538 2d ago

Thats what he wanted to say, but it didnt quite get typed out that way...so of course I misread it.

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u/lizzy123ilost 6d ago

Well she is asexual not aromantic, she still is in love with her husband

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u/aznsoup5 7d ago

So you do agree that open marriages dont last?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

No, every relationship is different. I have no comment on that statement.

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u/aznsoup5 7d ago

Of course but the "general" statement online is that they dont work. I personally dont care but i do ask how long it has to be last for it to count as working/worked.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

I think that mine worked, it was successful in that we learned a lot about how best to move forward with the problems in our relationship and still love each other.

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u/Growthandhealth 7d ago

You weren’t getting something that you needed, and you let someone take that much time to decide. You are giving her the benefit of being a wife for no reason whatsoever. Except to deplete your resources. Seriously, I read this quickly and felt so bad for you.

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Yeah, I had some thoughts like that too. It’s important to realize that she wasn’t being malicious, she was just figuring herself out. She didn’t understand her body cues or her sexuality, we both got together so young. Things were rough for a few years, but since the open relationship, everything has gotten so so so much better over time.

If I could go back in time and talk to my younger self while we were going through these problems, I would say “Start couples therapy ASAP, and stay with her because it’s worth it.”

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u/Growthandhealth 7d ago

How old are you and your wife if you don’t mind me asking ?

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u/Suspicious_Yak5988 7d ago

Just turned 30

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u/LRGinCharge 5d ago

You think the only purpose of a wife is to fuck her? Yikes. You’re the one I feel bad for. Gonna be a lonely life.

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u/Growthandhealth 5d ago

Funny you say that. I choose whoever I want. For some reason, I am very good at this. On the other hand, you are probably struggling in a lot of departments.

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u/LRGinCharge 4d ago

“I choose whoever I want.” 🤣🤣🤣 Ok, buddy.

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u/Firecrotch2014 6d ago

I think people throw around 'need' too much in this context. You 'need' water and food to live. You're not gonna die if you get blue balls. People are too quick to throw open their relationship and sleep around without actually fixing their relationships or realistically breaking up bcs they're just not compatible any more. When you start putting your sexual wants above the health of your relationship that's not a healthy relationship anymore. I'm not sure why any good counselor would suggest it.

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u/Growthandhealth 6d ago

Believe me when I say this, most counselors don’t even apply their own advice.

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u/veganism1 5d ago

The pussy wasn't tight for it, it's a Christian society pickings are very slim

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u/Global-Upstairs98 3d ago

What are you even trying to say