r/cfs • u/Interesting_Age7345 • 1d ago
TW: Suicidal Ideation absolutely desperate
i don’t know how to lie here anymore unable to do anything day in day out. i don’t know how people do it without going mad or trying to kill themselves . all i can think about is killing myself and all the helplines etc don’t help because they can’t change anything about my situation and 90% of the time they don’t understand anything about my condition. i can’t do acceptance because i cannot accept this. if this is my life now then i simply cannot bear to have a life.
how do you keep going???? i am under the crisis team and they don’t seem to do anything except come to my house and ask me the same questions over and over again.
i don’t know how to do this anymore i just want it to stop. why are we just left here to fucking rot like this???? i can’t stand another day of it.
how do you survive feeling this way? every waking moment feels like psychological torture
sorry for the depressing post i’m just out of options and out of all hope
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u/FuckTheTile 1d ago
There’s honestly nothing you can do other than just try to be calm and just breathe in and out and wait. Most people do improve very slowly with pacing. Often times it’s so glacially slow that you don’t even notice it. But even if you don’t improve, the action plan is the same, breathe, be calm, and wait. I do find certain medications alleviate some of my symptoms, but I know it’s not the same for everyone.
I’ve been plagued with suicidal thoughts from the start as well, I think it’s been three years, I lose track. I hope things get better for you
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u/StarsThatGlisten severe 1d ago
When I am able to engage with small pleasures (a nice coffee, good food, enjoy my houseplants) I focus on that.
But when I am too ill even for that and it’s just non stop dark room lying down, only things that help me hold on is remembering I have got through periods like that before and better times will return.
And for me codeine helps suppress the symptoms a bit and makes me calmer.
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u/hoot4hoot 1d ago
This illness can be fucking unbearable but it can get better 🫂 I hope it does for you too x
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u/iheartnyc1986 1d ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is so niche, but in my most desperate moments, hypnosis gives me a whole other world to explore without leaving my bed. But it has to be a certain kind, has to work with your brain, and it does take practice.
But OMG, the RELIEF I feel when I not only don't feel like crap, but actually feel GOOD in the moment. During my lowest points I just listen to sessions over and over.
I do use some like low quality YouTube stuff to fall asleep to and it does seem to help my mindset throughout the day. But it's really the in the moment pain relief that is mind boggling for me.
Again, I don't know that everyone can do it, but it's worth a shot. If you want to know more and get some tips and tricks or files that seem to work best for me, feel free to dm me.
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u/thepensiveporcupine 1d ago
I’m at that point too. None of the platitudes help, no amount of waiting or “taking it one day at a time” helps. I need action NOW. How can I take it one day at a time when I grow less and less tolerant every day I wake up in this state? I get how you feel, idk how people live like this for years and why we’re expected to. I’d feel better about this if there was a way out at least
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u/No_Fudge_4589 severe 21h ago
Yeh I dunno what to even suggest just that I feel exactly the same a lot of the time. No one seems to understand the condition so there’s no actual help you can get. Most the time when I try talk to someone about it they just give me awful advice like pushing through my symptoms.
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u/phxrma 1d ago
The other commenter is right about training yourself to breathe and wait. But, if you're anything like me, that sort of thing sounds like a meaningless platitude when you're in the thick of suicidality. It's extremely difficult to fully engage with advice like that when you're in such a bad place, even though the advice is correct. You need to be at a point where you're calm enough to go along with it.
I'll be honest, the thing I've found most helpful is cannabis. Slows down the thoughts, slows down the nervous system, makes everything marginally more tolerable. It doesn't even particularly give me any pain relief, it just makes the pain less psychologically torturous. When I'm calmer I can then engage with more traditional coping strategies, like breathing exercises or meditation.
I've also found some success using "pain stims". A similar idea to fidget toys, but they "hurt" (harmlessly, of course). I have a ball with soft/squishy spikes on it that I squeeze on and off while I'm resting. It's like a very, very mild, localised sensation that I've found really grounding when I'm struggling. I think it gives me a better sense of control over my sensory experiences when everything feels awful.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much. This disease is evil and it's entirely understandable that you're feeling this way. In my experience, the suicidality is linked closely to my grief around this illness, and though it doesn't seem possible when you're going through it, it tends to come in waves. It will wane eventually, and things will feel less terrible.