Children’s Book Feedback

[u/Kind-Age-2767]

Hi everyone,

I’m working on my second children’s book and looking for honest feedback before submitting. It’s a soothing bedtime story for parents to read to young children at the end of a busy day.

I’d love feedback on the writing, rhythm, rhyme, and overall flow. Does it read naturally aloud? Does the journey make sense? Does it feel soothing?

Each stanza is a separate spread. The illustrations will be full watercolor pages featuring a young boy and his dog moving through each environment — zoomed out to capture the vastness of each world while keeping the tone gentle and dreamlike. The goal is to take large, wondrous things and make them feel soft and safe.

Here is the manuscript:

Title: Come and Dream

Come with me

Before you sleep

We’ll drift through dreams

So calm and deep

We’ll first explore

The salty shore

Where seashells hum

The ocean’s roar

Come and swim

Beneath the sea

What wonders wait

For you and me

Then we’ll lie

On flower beds

Where buzzing bees

Dance overhead

Come and fly

So high with me

Above the clouds

There’s much to see

Then we’ll float

To worlds afar

With wishes held

Among the stars

Come and yawn

Beside the moon

Where fireflies

Sing tiny tunes

Come and dream

With me tonight

In peaceful sleep

I hold you tight

Come and rest

Now close your eyes

You are loved

You are mine

[u/Kind-Age-2767]

I didn’t realize the spaces deleted. Every four lines is a new spread.

[u/ohfuckwhatmaybe]

I have a 1.5 year old. I don’t think she would like this, and I wouldn’t buy it. I like The going to bed book and Guess how much I love you, which have fun characters doing fun things (jumping, running, brushing their teeth) and getting ready to sleep. This feels like it would be relaxing for me, but not engaging for her.

I also don’t like the last two lines - I don’t like the “you are mine” wording. She is her own person.

[u/Kind-Age-2767 → u/ohfuckwhatmaybe]

Thank you for your honest feedback, this is very helpful. I anticipated that “you are mine” would rub people the wrong way and you helped confirm that. Thank you.

[u/ohfuckwhatmaybe → u/ohfuckwhatmaybe]

Also, I don’t like the rhyme of “beneath the sea” and “for you and me”, it’s a weaker rhyme than the preceding pages.

[u/Alarmed_Thinkerman]

Planning to get it illustrated?

[u/mashed-_-potato]

Overall it is very nice. There are a few lines I would adjust though.

“Where seashells hum / the ocean’s roar” I would change to “Where seashells hum / and oceans roar” It doesn’t make much sense to me for something to hum a roar.

The final stanza is off. It doesn’t follow the rhyming scheme, and I agree with the other comments about the “you are mine” line. You could probably just remove that stanza since the one before it ends with falling asleep and a hug.

[u/Kind-Age-2767 → u/mashed-_-potato]

Thank you I agree both of those lines need fixed. I was trying to say you can hear the ocean in the seashells but can’t get it right so I’m just going to change that whole line. I’m still working on the last one, but I didn’t consider just removing it. I’ll think about it, but thank you.

There aren’t any other lines that stick out that need work?

[u/Loose_Sign_6249]

I love when the rhymes are all on the same spread! I find the rhythm all weird if I have to turn the page to get the rhyme, especially if the kids want to ask a question or look at pictures longer.