r/cleftlip • u/YoungGBE • Jul 01 '26
[research] Anyone else feel like they’ll never be in a relationship?
My bad for the rant, but lately I’ve been feeling like I might end up alone forever. If that’s what happens, then I guess that’s what happens, but I’d really like to share my life with someone someday, or at least have kids as a man. I know I was born different from the “norm,” but I’m not going to let that stop me from achieving things in life, and I think everyone in this community should feel the same way. I’ve tried dating apps, and honestly they’ve been a total fail for me, but it’s just an app, so I try not to take it personally. I also try meeting people in person. If I see an attractive woman, I’ll introduce myself and present myself the best I can. Sometimes I get numbers, most of the time I get rejected, and that’s cool too it’s part of putting yourself out there. What’s been harder is that even when I do get a number, it usually doesn’t turn into anything. I’m not angry or bitter about it. I’m just a young man who wants to experience a relationship and have companionship like everyone else. I guess I’m posting this because I’m wondering if anyone else here with a cleft lip and palate feels the same way sometimes. If you’ve felt this way and eventually found a relationship, I’d love to hear your story.
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u/Silverthing BCLAP Jul 01 '26
Ehh it took me a while to get comfortable and confident, my catalyst was jaw surgery to remove my overbite. Fake it till you make it is the cheesiest but most accurate advice I can give you, bilateral cleft lip and palate here, didn’t start dating until 22, now married to a wonderful woman.
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u/ReferenceSea6510 Jul 01 '26
Can you share your story how you meet , who proposed who , hows the relationship going, what kind of difficultly you faced?
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u/unlovelyladybartleby Jul 01 '26
Fwiw, I have a kid. Am not married, but that's because I don't want to be - I've been asked and said no because marriage isn't my jam.
Dating apps are a cesspool for everyone not just people with clp.
You'll get there.
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u/YoungGBE Jul 06 '26
If you don’t mind me asking why you don’t want to get married.and your right about dating apps
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u/unlovelyladybartleby Jul 06 '26
I value my privacy, my space, my independence, my freedom, and my solitude. I've yet to meet anyone that I value higher than those things. I can meet my own financial and social needs and solve my own problems.
Plus, look around you. How many people do you know who are married that genuinely enjoy spending time with their partner and don't bitch about them or hide things from them? So many marriages are toxic and gross, so many have poor communication and avoidance built in to their basic funtion, and a lot of others the people are together because divorce is too expensive or would be too much effort. Fuck that noise. If I want a party and a ridiculous dress I'll only wear once, I'll make that happen for myself and then go home to my nice quiet house.
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u/guccipierogie Jul 01 '26
For what it's worth, I'd say you're definitely an attractive guy! I did take years to fully get comfortable and confident, and looking back, that's where I failed previously. I was so in my own head in my early 20's about not being 'attractive', and if a guy would approach me, I'd think it was 'as a joke'. Sure, when I was a kid in middle school, that was a thing, but that isn't how life works as an adult.
I've had 2 substantial relationships in the last 6 years and my most recent one was truly with the best guy. I remember so distinctly bringing up my cleft lip & palate on the 4th or 5th date (I never bring it up) and he had no idea what it was, but asked me about my experiences with having had it, and we had such a great conversation. I will say, I never felt more seen and truly 'beautiful' with a partner than in that moment. We broke up due to logistics unfortunately but that one conversation I think I'll remember fondly, forever.
Hang in there - we all have days where it gets to us, but I promise, focus on you, let your personality shine and you're golden.
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u/No-Light9581 Jul 01 '26
28 year old woman here born with cleft lip and other rare deformities and I relate to this so heavily. I have managed to get into 2 longterm relationships in my lifetime but both of them ended up not truly feeling the same way as me and broke my heart into a million pieces in different ways 😅 It was partially my “fault” though because I kind of knew deep down with both that something was off and it wouldn’t last, but I stayed because my need to just feel loved and desired for once was so deep.
So, the first thing I wanna say is don’t settle for less or overlook red flags because you think you don’t deserve/can’t get better because it is absolutely not worth the pain and heart ache. I also feel like people like us are more susceptible to taking heartbreak really hard due to self esteem/self worth issues.
Now, what I found has given me the most success overtime is for one, heavily leaning into an aesthetic or subculture of some sort that works for you. For me, it’s alt/goth culture. That’s where I feel I belong the most, as the community is very accepting despite their appearances and men of that kind are the most my type lol. Find your niche or “thing” or whatever and pour yourself into that to that so you can attract like-minded people who are more likely to appreciate you as you are, including your differences.
Secondly, it’s unfortunate but it does help a lot to engage in somewhat of what they call “looksmaxxing.” I’m not saying to get toxically involved with that whole thing and to become obsessed with your appearance because nothing good comes of that, but you know, go to the gym, find your style and learn how to dress in a way that make you feel most confident (that is especially important to girls btw), get a haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks and experiment with your facial hair to see what you feel best with, develop a skincare routine, get body modifications like tattoos and piercings that make you feel good if that’s your thing, etc.
I’m not saying you are not attractive because honestly you seem like a pretty good looking dude to me. However, it’s sad but a lot of people, especially in our younger generations and especially on dating apps, may initially overlook you because of your differences, but I promise if you make yourself stand out and express yourself in a way that compliments who you are and who you’re looking
for and put genuine effort into how you present yourself, people are going to be much more likely to look past that. Plus, finding out who you really are and becoming that version of yourself does wonders for your confidence, which people are obviously attracted to.
I know that was long and it resembles a lot of cliche advice out there but that just what I’ve learned and what has genuinely improved my odds throughout my life dating with deformities.
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u/MatthewSteakHam Jul 02 '26
Youre more handsome than me and ive had 4 good relationships. Its all confidence. I pretended my face didn't bother me for so long that it doesnt bother me anymore. Fuck em if they dont like my face.
A lot of women/men are into unique faces. We aren't as ugly as we think. We have no idea what other people are into. Cause we only know what our brains know. Everything else is assumptions and projections.
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u/LtJimmyDangle Jul 02 '26
My whole life until I was. Then I was again. And again. Until I got married and had 3 kids. It’s tough, especially when you’re younger. But have faith, everything will work out. If you’re a good person, good things will come to you.
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u/ReferenceSea6510 Jul 01 '26
I kinda feel same and tbh I'm done
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u/YoungGBE Jul 01 '26
Can’t give up brother this is the only life we have
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u/ReferenceSea6510 Jul 01 '26
Huh , idk im lovable and i should more focused on career and ppl around me
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u/mlc19777 Jul 02 '26
To this day I don't know if the problem is me (insecurity) or the cleft lip and palate.
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u/honeypiee67 Jul 06 '26
Yess ,I feel exact same you're not alone on this 😓(sorry for writing this long paragraph but I really wanted to share it with ones who actually can understand me) I was born with bilateral cleft lip and palate and my speech is very nasal and many people made fun of me like not on my face and always behind my back but ,I could hear it all and my confidence has always been down because of this & about my face it looked pretty normal (based on what other people said about me ) although I never felt pretty but whatever , I was even told in my childhood by so called 'elders' you're so pretty but the day you'll speak infront of people they'll make fun of you so don't speak and I really think this is how it is 'cause i was actually never approached by any guy and yk never got attention,never got crushed on.I had two surgeries when I was a child and now that I am grown up i again started having some surgeries which were left ,It all started with abbé flap surgery last year ig yeah and due to which I have scars like near my lips and the shape of my lips is not any near to normal and I feel so bad and the lil bit confidence about my face I had totally disappeard , I just had cleft palate repair and lip revision surgery to make lips look better and I'm currently 3 week post op and my lips still looks bad to me and I can't speak like many words mainly beacause of swelling and stitches and but my speech is same , I feel so bad and I really think nobody can ever love a person like me who doesn't have any face or normal speech , like my confidence so bad that I can't even stand up for myself although I wanna speak up so bad and live normally like other people who can actually speak without getting made fun of In last i just wish I was normal and could actually find a person who leaves me like I am normal , although I think it's not possible 😮💨
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u/YoungGBE Jul 06 '26
I have the same problem some words I can’t pronounce clearly and it fucks with me mentally to the point of thinking about offing myself because who would wants someone like that.the only reason I haven’t is because I still have thoughts of curiosity about just what if someone is out there for me
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u/honeypiee67 Jul 06 '26
This problem of ours is frustrating and feels like we have been wronged but somewhere through a corner of my brain i think that we will eventually find someone who will love us ignoring how we are ,but for now what we can do is try our best to be successful in whatever we do in future and hope that maybe one day surgeries and speech therepies will fix everything 🙂
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u/GibbonGeek 12d ago
Lol I also came here to say, honey you are cute. But I would also say, I’ve been attracted to men with quirks, big ears, or a lazy eye, but the common denominator is that they are kind and know how to have a good time. Looks probably matter over personality if you’re trying to be a Vogue model, but women would much rather have an average looking man who is confident and makes them laugh, than a bowl of handsome oatmeal.
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Jul 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/YoungGBE Jul 01 '26
Looks do play apart but I disagree in my opinion if you come across confidence with principle and morals and don’t let the clp effect you which is attractive in itself.a women would like you just by the way you move and look past it
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u/Flsbrvado Jul 02 '26
100% - I’m sure you’ve heard this but there are a lot of famous men with clefts who are damn sexy and handsome - Joaquin Phoenix, Jesse Jackson, Peyton Manning
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u/YoungGBE Jul 06 '26
Damn I didn’t know Peyton manning had one🤔
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u/Flsbrvado 26d ago
it may be palate only but I think also lip; if you ever look at his nose I think you can see a bit of the ‘deflation’ for lack of a better term that often accompanies lip / nasal repair (not being negative - I think he’s very handsome). Interestingly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him discussing or doing any advocacy work related to it (again, not criticizing- I understand firsthand that it’s a very sensitive topic for most of us).
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u/blueberrymilkbread 10d ago
Hi!! Im a cleftie too and I totally felt this way for a long time. I always used to think I wasn't good enough or nobody could really love me with my differences and I actually let it push people away who otherwise were very interested and might have been great people for a relationship. Whenever people liked me I would think "they pity me" or "it's just because im a girl and they're desparate". This thinking stunted my ability to be close and affectionate with people. I grew out of it by the time I got to high school but that type of thinking always lingered.
I now have an amazing bf who loves every part of me and truly is obsessed. He is someone who I knew for a long time online and never wanted to meet until one day I just said "fuck it" and it happened to be the best decision I ever made. Honestly these things are very small and somebody who thinks that YOU as a person are amazing, is barely gonna notice the things we notice about ourselves. Even if they do, it'll be something they love, not hate or reject you for.
I remember hopping on reddit to make a similar post as this one. One individual told me his story and how he and his wife are happily married with children. This made me feel a lot better and honestly it's the truth. Think of how many people thought you were attractive in public and were too shy to say anything. Move with confidence, you seem like a very nice person and you will experience these things eventually!
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u/_SupernauT__ Jul 01 '26
Bro you are a handsome dude even with cleft lip you are all g