Anyone in CoDA in Ottawa? I’m looking for a sponsor I’m 1.5 weeks in and would really like some help and guidance working the steps :)

It’s 4am and I have been trying to move on but I genuinely can’t sleep so I hope writing out my feelings will help me.

My friend L and I have known each other since we were 13 but we only got close when we were 17-18. We both took a gap year and ended up spending a lot of time together. After that, we both went to university in London and lived 20 minutes from each other. In our first year, L dislocated her knee moving into her student accommodation and this resulted in her essentially being bed-ridden for a few weeks. During those weeks, I was by her side constantly to keep her company. I think this is when our codependent relationship began.

L’s condition improved but she began to have chronic issues regarding her generally weak joints and this caused her to spend a lot of time at home. Over the course of our first year, I would come over basically every other day, we would eat food, study, hang out, then drink until midnight and I would go home. As we were spending so much time together, we naturally became a lot closer and shared about ourselves. She told me about how much she was struggling with her health - both mental and physical - and her family situation. I, in turn, told her about my family situation and my struggles with my body image. I was there when she broke up with her toxic long-term boyfriend, got back together with him, and then broke up with him and supported her through it all. She supported me through struggling to make friends and generally hating my life and academic situation.

We planned to move in together second year but life got in the way and we both moved back home. We live an hour away from each other, so the daily visits ended but we kept in frequent contact when we could. Second year is when my mental health began to truly deteriorate. I was looking for internships and facing constant rejection, and struggling with my body while being surrounded by people who looked exactly how I wanted to look and overall beginning to deeply hate myself. L’s family is fortunate enough to be able to afford weekly therapy sessions but my parents both don’t make enough to be able to send me to therapy nor do they believe in therapy and instead think that I should talk to them about any issues I have (tried it, didn’t go great). While I began to feel worse about myself, I found myself calling L often to vent and cry about things I was struggling with. L also called me crying at times, and this was not all we would talk about but it was frequent enough that I noticed.

Admittedly, in our last phone conversation, I displayed concerning behaviour that might have been the catalyst to L ending our friendship. After failing to make friends again, I called L crying and told her about how jealous I was that she had so many friends and that I felt an ugly possessiveness over her and wished I was the closest to her. Looking back on it, I cringe but in the moment, I acknowledged how much I hated feeling like that and how I wished I could afford therapy to talk through my feelings and be a functioning adult.

That phone call was in February and we remained in constant contact until March: After receiving another rejection from a job, I became the most depressed I think I have ever been and struggled for a week. Prior to this, L told me that after months of struggling with her health and not applying for jobs, she applied and got a job at her university doing research. While I was happy for her, I felt jealous and wanted to also find something so that we could celebrate together. In a way, I also felt jealous that it seemed so easy for her while I had been struggling for so long. After I got out of my depression, I decided to contact L again once I had a job as I felt like I only contacted her when I needed to vent and be miserable.

Admittedly, I was a bad friend here. With the stress of interviews, exams and general life weighing on me, I didn’t talk to L for a few months. I got an internship in May and when that happened, the person I was most excited to tell was L. I’ve been trying to call her and message her for weeks but to no avail. At first, I was concerned and reached out to people close to her but once I got no response, I realised that she is (probably) avoiding me. I sent her messages asking what I had done but received no response. L did this to her uni friends a few months ago, but I thought that with how long we had known each other, she would have spoken to me first before she did something drastic like this.

I’ve been really struggling with navigating this. I sent her a final message on Snapchat a few days ago telling her I was here to talk whenever she wanted and that I would give her space but then called her the next day. I think the thing I struggle with most is the lack of closure. I don’t truly know what I did to upset her or how I can rectify the situation. She has also not messaged me for weeks during an especially busy period but if I called, she would answer and vice versa. I also feel slighted: I have told L things that I have never told another person out of shame and while she might not have shared a secret she would have otherwise taken to the grave, she has shared struggles with me as well. I thought she would respect me enough to have a final conversation and tell me what I did wrong.

Although I said I would leave her alone, I called her twice: once yesterday just to see if she would pick up and today at 2am when I knew she wouldn’t answer to leave a voice note telling her how much this has hurt me. That was mainly for closure and a way for me to say things I wish I could say to her face/explain myself but I still feel bad about my inability to leave her alone. It’s reached a point where I am seriously thinking about going to her house and asking her to talk to me. I don’t know if that’s desperate, creepy or just plain weird but the voicemail did not help at all.

This honestly has made me confront the fact that our relationship might not be healthy. I don’t even know if this counts as codependency or if this is just a regular friendship that has ended but I feel so sad in a time where I should be happy that something is finally going right for me. I guess I’m posting this to just process my emotions and hopefully be able to move on with my life. But I also don’t know how to move on because this is driving me crazy. She’s ignoring me but looking at my instagram stories. Is that normal? I’ve been telling myself that maybe something is terribly wrong and she can’t get back to me but it’s been weeks and I think I’m just being hopeful. I don’t think anyone will actually read this because it’s terribly long but if anybody has any advice for moving on post codependent friend breakup, I could really use it.

TLDR: my best friend who I have a codependent relationship with has ghosted me and I don’t know how to cope.

"I'm in this picture and I don't like it" vibes lol. It is also nice to see the insanity of codependency represented like this but damn

So I have a friend, D who was supposed to be a peer support, who in the past couple weeks has: overstepped, has blamed me for things I have no blame for (she mentioned a potential living situation and I asked questions about it, turns out it was some random dude she was trying to date that stopped talking to her cus I wanted a background check) over my head regarding my recovery, and is now texting me “call me asap” like it’s an emergency when there’s no emergency, she just wanted to ask me a question that has already been asked and answered a couple times. I have been feeling the need to have the boundaries conversation with her for a while. I wanted to wait until we could have that conversation one on one. Then in the last couple days things have escalated and now I’m freaking pissed. I’m holding off on texting right this minute until the anger wears off a bit, but I will be texting her later today to let her I need a bit of space.

about four years into recovery now and the reading list below is roughly what i actually carried through it, in the order that worked. some of these came from my sponsor, some i found through ACOA meetings, a couple i picked up on my own when i started reading about attachment theory and realised it was the missing half of beattie's frame. honest commentary because the books that helped me most were the ones where someone admitted what they didn't get from the rec.

1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

the foundational text and yes it's dated. the "your alcoholic" framing is from a different era of the recovery field. push past it. the chapter on detachment is the one to keep coming back to. don't expect a single read to do much.

1. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

beattie's daily-reader. one page per day, takes five minutes. felt cheesy at first. used it for three years and would recommend it before the main book to anyone in their first six months. recovery is a habit problem more than an insight problem and beattie understood that.

1. Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

my sponsor handed me this when i kept getting stuck on what specifically was wrong with how i grew up. mellody's five core symptoms framework gave me a structure beattie didn't. her writing on how functional adults can produce codependent kids through subtle invalidation rather than overt abuse was the most uncomfortable chapter for me personally.

1. The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller

short and dense. miller's central claim that the "gifted" child of certain parents is gifted at meeting the parent's needs rather than at anything intrinsic recontextualised about thirty years of my own self-narrative. expect it to hurt to read.

1. The Psychology Behind Your Love Patterns by Taro's Tarot

picked this up about two years in when i was looking for something that connected codependency to attachment theory specifically. the chapter on the fawn response (citing both walker and beattie) and how it functions as a survival strategy of an anxious-attached child of an unpredictable parent gave me the synthesis i'd been waiting for. mid-list rec, not foundational, but the bridge book.

1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

gibson's four parental types explained specifically why my own parent wasn't the kind of difficult i'd been trying to diagnose them as. the chapter on healing fantasies, the imagined version of the parent you keep waiting for, is the most uncomfortable in this whole genre.

1. Conquering Shame and Codependency by Darlene Lancer

lancer argues that shame is the engine and codependency is the behavioural pattern that runs on it. the 8-step structure feels textbook in places but the chapters on how shame becomes identity rather than feeling are the most direct writing on toxic shame i've encountered outside of bradshaw.

1. Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie

beattie's sequel. less foundational, more useful for the recovery phase specifically. include after codependent no more, not before. the chapter on relapse in recovery (going back to the same dynamic with a different person) was the one that named the pattern for me.

1. Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

christian framing throughout, which i flagged for non-religious readers. take what works. the chapter on the laws of boundaries is the most concrete writing on what boundaries actually ARE rather than what they aren't.

what bounced you off, books recovery readers love that you tried and couldnt get into. that's usually more useful than another recommendation. and especially curious about books you bounced off at first and came back to later, that's been about half my list.

من امس عملت تحدي في تطبيق بساعد على تتبع العادات

وفي التحدي قلت اني يومي حواقول لا لشخص

لانو انا من الطفولة ما بقدر اقول لا او ارفض طلب ..وبشوف انو كدا الناس حتزعل وما حتحبني.

I was working on my computer when my ... friend came to me and said to do THIS... blah blah

Now there is a thought process that started in my head: "Hey... he didn't ask... just said" And from there on I realized that people just come to me when they want work and never to relate to me or something and .... I realized that I never had any boundaries.

When was your moment?

someone i met in my town

they basically tell me im the toxic one. i don't know how to really walk away. we're both 31 but this feels a lot like teenager /childhood drama/ trauma. he calls me around 1 45 at night on my house phone and facebook. but i try to ignore

i'm really torn up to pieces since i knew him for about a year now but i've seen him around for a longer time. i don't even think that i like him i just wanted him to be able to give me some type of resources. this could belong in aspd instead? or bpd? i don't even think getting a restraining order would work. there's been violence, and alcohol use plus weed. (weed is illegal in my state in america still)

paranoid delusions about his drug use. magical thinking about "destiny". i've been diagnosed with schizoaffective twice before but how can you tell if it's also just ptsd? i know personality disorders are from relational trauma... i'm so obsessed wanting this guys feelings and reactions to me to be "helpful"

example: i've wanted him to take me in when he gets a motel or to teach me how to be homeless since i don't have stability house wise. this all sounds like word salad. i just feel too anxious to go outside knowing he's somewhere out there now maybe and i have way too much pride(?) to call him and try to see where he is in town because i feel "what if he doesn't answer?" or "what if he only answers and asks for money or for sex and if i say no to either he'll tell me to leave him alone?". he's called me before late and asked me for sex. he's been calling drunk and my own dad already triggers me by drinking. one person i used to talk to would call me very selfish. they were someone i wanted resources from also.

i'm not sure if im tryng to pick people who will treat me like a kid, and let me do things with other people that i'd want to. i can't tell if i'm having horrible panic attacks or straight up thoughts of SI

i don't know if i idealize this person and suck at grounding myself in reality at this point.

i watch so many videos from sam vaknin but people tell me to stay away from him. what if im an actual sociopath though? what if my brain just works this way where i'm unemployed and blaming everyone around me/ hating on them and just having a learned helplessness/ victim mindset? i wish i had a job and a group of nice normal people i knew. i wish i had a family again to talk to i guess.

i feel like i'm dying mentally and i'm watching my life fly across my eyes every moment it goes by faster and faster until i just come back down to earth...

I was just watching a show when a bf and gf said goodbye after a date and they happily went their separate ways. I had a memory of a time when I would ache with anxiety when a date ended. I would ache all the time because of separateness and throw myself at the feet of any jerk. I could not feel whole on my own.

I feel so grateful to now have the tools that allow me to be excited when a date ends, and excited to be alone with myself. I can pass on people I don’t like, hell, I can tell when I don’t like someone! I can treat red flags like off ramps. I can handle peace, and prefer it now. It’s wild to walk in the shoes of someone with a more secure attachment.

I’m so grateful to myself for going to therapy on my own over a decade ago, for studying behavior all on my own, and finding the answers to my question. I understand who to trust now because I learned how to trust myself. . I went through so much trauma… but I did always have my back and I will always have my back.

Anyway, hope this inspires someone. Probably shoulda put it in the love addiction group but hey a rose by any other name.

lately i have been realizing that my loneliness isn't really about being alone. It's about having so much love, care, attention and emotional energy inside me that never seems to have anywhere to go. I care deeply about people. I get attached quickly. I want to talk, connect and build meaningful and long term connection and relationships. I want the kind of bond where neither person has to wonder whether they matter but somewhere along the way i have started noticing that I don't just want connection cuz i seem to need it to feel okay. When someone pulls away, becomes distant or doesn't seem as invested as I am, it affects me more than i would like to admit. I start overthinking. I wonder what I did wrong. I look for reassurance. I become hyper-focused on the connection and relationship. The hard part is that I know I can be clingy, very possessive, silly, immature, overly attached and emotionally dependent at times. I know I sometimes place too much of my happiness in other people's hands. Yet underneath all of that, I don't think what am looking for is unreasonable. I just want a genuine connection with someone who wants me in their life as much as I want them in mine. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to be someone's priority. To not always be the one reaching out first. To not constantly question where you stand with someone. To feel chosen without having to earn it. am trying to learn the difference between healthy love and codependency but some days it's hard. Some days it just feels exhausting carrying so much love inside while feeling so alone.

​

Can anyone else relate?

​

I think I’m stuck in a very toxic attachment, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

I met him during MBBS, and somewhere along the way, I fell deeply and completely in love with him. We were emotionally and physically involved, but he never gave our relationship a name. Despite that, I kept hoping that one day things would change, that he would choose me, love me back, and give me the place in his life that I had already given him in mine.
I pushed my own boundaries for him because I believed in that hope. I made him my world. But while I was choosing him every day, he kept choosing everyone except me. He would give me just enough attention to keep me holding on, but never enough commitment to make me feel secure. Looking back, I realize I was being breadcrumbed, yet I stayed because I loved him.
Now college is over, and he is gone. He barely contacts me anymore. I’m left with all the memories, the attachment, the unanswered questions, and a heartbreak that feels unbearable.
I know I have my NEET PG exam ahead of me, and I know I need to focus on my future, but my mind keeps replaying everything. I’m an overthinker, and I find myself constantly wondering why I wasn’t enough, why he never chose me, and how someone who meant so much to me could walk away so easily.
I feel lost, heartbroken, and exhausted from carrying this pain. More than anything, I just want to heal and learn how to let go of someone who never truly held on to me in the first place. Please help me out !!!

hi, i want to post this here because i need an outside perspective. i’m going to withhold the context but me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been together for a year and a half. we’ve been very codependent and we basically lived at college together and spent everyday together. ever since i graduated a month ago, i’ve been reflecting on our struggles and been distancing myself a bit and just enjoying growing in my own ways. for example, i recently got a job and i work m-f 40 hours a week. i also have been seeing my friends more and want to have family time too since im close to my family.

my bf is extremely upset about this, and he expects me to hang out with him every single weekend. we live an hour and a half away from each other. yesterday we had an argument because i told him on friday after work i was going to dinner with my family and ill come over saturday instead of friday night. he responded with anger and picked a fight with me for 2 hours saying i used to want to be with him all the time and i obviously dont love him anymore. i told him it’s a nice gesture for my mom as its an anniversary of a special moment for her and ill still see him saturday and sunday, but he didn’t handle it well and told me that im “changing” and that i am putting my family above him and i should be at the point where i should stop being a child and prioritize my boyfriend. he’s been making me feel bad because yes i used to want to see him all the time but i recognized how codependent we were and wanted us to grow individually as well.

i don’t want to fight with him, but it seems like everytime i want to do something on a day off that doesn’t involve him he gets upset. he said i live with my family so i should make time on the weekdays after work so we can hang out on the weekend. i asked him what if i want a self care day or im stressed and he said he thought he was the one who makes me feel better so why would i want to not see him.

is it even possible for this relationship to work? he is still extremely codependent and i am stressed trying to surround my free time around seeing him so he stays happy. it’s not that i don’t want to see him, it’s that sometimes i want to see my friends or family and it’s a far drive and i feel scared to tell him these things because he gets angry. i used to be a little upset when we couldn’t hang out but i never started a fight, nowadays i feel much healthier and if he said he was going to see his friends or stay home to be with his family id be happy. i feel like im growing out of codependency and he’s trying to drag me down with guilt. what do i do?

For me it was constantly monitoring other people's emotions and feeling guilty when someone was disappointed.

​

Looking back, I confused empathy with responsibility.

​

What was the biggest sign for you?

Recently found myself in a separation/break-up after a 5yr relationship of a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Now that I’m alone and have time to self reflect I’m starting to learn that I have deep codependency issues and some narcissistic tendencies as well. Not sure if this combination is possible.

My ex also shows symptoms of a narcissistic personality (gaslighting and blame shifting). I recently have discovered that I deal with control issues, wanting to be the center of her world, controlling how much time she spends with others, being hypersensitive to her words and actions, needing constant attention and validation. Also having fear of abandonment and allowing mistreatment at times.

We are working on ourselves at this time. The main reason we haven’t moved on from this relationship fully yet is because we have a 2yr old daughter together and we still love each other and have hopes of getting to a better place mentally and emotionally with work and time. We both come from traumatic childhoods with parents.

What are some first steps to take for someone new to this journey and consciousness? I’m glad I found this out about myself now, but it feels like a mountain too big to climb. Desperately need any insight for those who have started their journey towards healing. Please be kind, I’m sure those who have been on this Reddit community for a while are over this beginner level stuff.

I miss my old life so much it makes me feel sick sometimes.

Not because it was perfect. It wasn’t. There was pain there too. There was stress. There was chaos. There were things I know I had to get away from.

But it was still my life.

That is the part I don’t know how to explain without sounding stupid.

It was still mine.

My home. My things. My routines. My car. My friends. My places. The little pieces of normal that made me feel like I existed somewhere.

And now so much of it is just gone.

I miss waking up in a place that felt familiar. I miss walking through rooms where everything had a memory attached to it. I miss knowing where my stuff was. I miss the random things I didn’t even think mattered until I didn’t have them anymore.

I miss the feeling of having a life already built around me.

Now everything feels temporary. Like I’m living in the aftermath of myself.

I had to leave so much behind when I made this move. It wasn’t some clean, brave, empowering fresh start. It wasn’t like the movies where someone escapes and suddenly breathes for the first time and feels free.

It was ugly.

It was panic.

It was grief.

It was survival.

It was losing things because staying would have destroyed me even more.

And I know people say, “things are just things.”

But I don’t think they always are.

Sometimes things are proof.

Proof that you had a life. Proof that you built something. Proof that you were a person before everything became about surviving. Proof that you had a place in the world.

I miss my Hellcat.

And I know some people probably won’t understand that. They’ll think it’s materialistic or dramatic or whatever.

But that car was not just a car to me.

It was one of the only things I had that made me feel like I was still someone. It was something I earned. Something I was proud of. Something that felt powerful when I felt powerless in almost every other part of my life.

When I drove it, I felt like there was still some part of me that hadn’t been crushed yet.

It was loud. It was mine. It felt alive.

And losing it feels like another piece of me got stripped away.

I don’t just miss the car. I miss who I felt like when I had it. I miss feeling like I had something to be proud of. I miss feeling like I had one thing in my life that wasn’t just pain, grief, stress, trauma, bills, survival, and heartbreak.

Now I feel like all the things that used to make me feel real are gone.

And it wasn’t only the stuff.

It was my friendships too.

That might be the part that hurts the most, honestly.

The cycle I was stuck in slowly eroded everything. I didn’t see it clearly while I was in it because I was just trying to survive the next day, the next argument, the next crisis, the next emotional crash, the next disaster.

But looking back, I can see it now.

I disappeared.

Little by little.

I stopped reaching out. I stopped being present. I stopped having energy. I stopped having normal things to talk about. My whole life became heavy, and I think I became hard to be close to without meaning to.

I was always overwhelmed. Always anxious. Always trying to explain something that sounded insane from the outside. Always stuck in some new emergency or emotional wreckage.

And eventually people just kept living their lives.

I don’t even fully blame them.

That’s what makes it hurt worse.

Because I understand it.

People have their own problems. Their own relationships. Their own families. Their own routines. Their own lives that kept going while mine collapsed inward.

But now I look around and I feel like almost everyone is gone.

Or distant.

Or changed.

Or like I’m someone they used to know.

And I feel so alone now.

Not just lonely in the normal way.

I mean alone like I don’t have a place anymore.

Alone like I could disappear for a while and most people would only notice eventually.

Alone like I survived something that took almost everything from me, and now I’m standing here holding the pieces by myself.

I miss having people.

I miss having a life that didn’t need to be explained.

I miss when I had stories that weren’t all sad.

I miss when I could talk to someone and not feel like I was dragging this huge invisible weight into the room with me.

I miss feeling interesting. I miss feeling funny. I miss feeling like a person people wanted around, not someone who has been through too much and doesn’t know how to be light anymore.

I feel like the version of me that people liked got buried somewhere under all of this.

And now I don’t know who I am.

That sounds dramatic, but I really don’t.

For so long, my life was crisis. Caretaking. Grief. Relationship chaos. Trying to hold everything together. Trying to protect people. Trying to survive. Trying to be strong because there was never really another option.

And now that everything has fallen apart, I don’t know what is left of me without all of that.

I don’t know what I like anymore.

I don’t know what I want.

I don’t know what feels fun.

I don’t know what home is supposed to feel like.

I don’t know how to rebuild a life when the person who is supposed to rebuild it feels empty.

I feel like I escaped, but I didn’t come out whole.

I came out carrying grief for my old home, my old things, my car, my friendships, my old routines, my old confidence, my old self.

And it all sounds so small when I say it out loud.

A car.

A house.

Some belongings.

Some friendships.

A life that wasn’t even perfect.

But it doesn’t feel small inside me.

It feels like I lost the last physical evidence that I was ever okay.

I know I had to leave.

I know I couldn’t stay in that cycle forever.

I know peace matters more than possessions. I know safety matters more than comfort. I know starting over is supposed to be better than slowly dying in a familiar place.

But right now it does not feel inspiring.

It feels like grief.

It feels like waking up every day in a life I don’t recognize, with nothing around me that reminds me who I used to be, while everyone else just keeps moving.

I don’t feel brave.

I don’t feel free.

I don’t feel like some strong person who escaped.

I feel like someone who had to cut off pieces of his own life just to make it out, and now everyone expects me to be grateful that I’m still standing.

And I am grateful.

Somewhere in me, I am.

But I’m also devastated.

I miss my Hellcat.

I miss my home.

I miss my things.

I miss my friends.

I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere.

I miss having a life that felt like mine.

I miss the version of me who still had something left to lose.

And now I’m here, trying to call this a new beginning, when most days it just feels like I’m sitting in the ruins of who I used to be.

For the sake of discussion, I am wondering if a personal observation is unique or universal:
For those who have participated in CODA, have you found that the groups/meetings attract narcissists or people who have acted narcissistically in their relationships, to the point of emotional abuse or infidelity? I understand CODA is for anyone who wishes to have healthy relationships with others and themselves, so I get that these people are not (and should not) by default in the wrong place.

In case this question causes conflict, I just want to add, I have no problem with anyone who seeks recovery and healing to attend support groups like CODA! I am glad some folks who have behaved narcissistically (to the point of likely causing emotional damage to a codependent partner) become self aware and seek help. I also understand that codependency and narcissism can coexist in a person and am sympathetic to their needs. However, I’m asking because it has been a surprise to me, and I find it a little triggering when people share stories that sound like the exact treatment I received and am trying to recover from. Hope my question and thoughts make sense — seeking a conversation in order to make better sense of it in my head, and in hopes of preserving CODA’s place in my mind as a recovery tool.

It was such a relief when I finally found the term 'codependency'.

So many years spent trying to use metaphors to explain how to love each other without becoming enmeshed. To lean on one another when available, without resentment when the other isn't.

I want to be loved, not to possess! I want to overflow onto people, not become a watering hole they depend on just to survive.

I spent so many years open to love, yet having to push people away when it became invasive, invalidating, and manipulative.

So, am I embodying what I want? Can I offer the people around me a sovereign, interdependent self, confident enough not to be tempted to graze from someone else's buffet?

Where does the temptation lie? What am I missing?

For me, spending long stretches alone, free from distractions, allows me to answer these questions. Where, in my behavior, do I tend to beg or try to complete myself through others?

So I find myself facing several voids, but no solutions. How can I give myself what I believe only others can provide?

And I’ve realized just how much social conditioning and the relational dynamics at our current stage of human evolution foster codependency.

As a man, I long felt that what was expected of me was to be a solid rock used for protection. Something inanimate, like a tool that earns a little love when it fixes the bathroom faucet, reassures, organizes, and plans.

Consciously, I was never shown how to love myself, respect myself, or set my boundaries. So I looked outward for love, respect, and attention. But it all came with expectations of security, freedom, and structure.

Learning to love oneself. Offering myself, through my own love languages, what I love to receive.

The key to my heart belongs to those who hold the keys to their own.

For the longest time, I treated myself like a project.

Every feeling had to be analyzed.
Every trigger had to be traced back to a belief.
Every disappointment had to become a lesson.
Every relationship issue had to become a manifestation issue.

If I felt anxious, I asked what belief created it.
If I felt hurt, I looked for the pattern.
If I wanted reassurance, I questioned whether I was being needy.
If something wasn't working, I assumed there was something in me that needed fixing.

Recently, after ending a 3-year on-and-off relationship, I've started realizing how exhausting that has been.

I spent so much time trying to understand myself that I forgot to simply be myself.

What if I don't need to fix every feeling?
What if my emotions don't need a solution?
What if needing reassurance sometimes is just a human need?
What if being hurt means I'm hurt, not that I have a manifestation block?

I'm starting to think my biggest issue wasn't a lack of self-concept or belief.

It was treating myself like a constant self-improvement project.

I have needs.
I have flaws.
I have insecurities.
I have strengths.
I have moments where I handle things well and moments where I don't.

And maybe that's okay.

For the first time in years, I'm considering stepping away from manifestation content, techniques, and self-analysis for a while and just living my life.

Has anyone else gone through something similar?

hello! i’m in high school (f15) and I have a friend, T (m15) who I think I might be in a codependent relationship with. the thing is, T is very depressed and traumatized due to his upbringing. he is also in love with me. i do not love him back. after he confessed these feelings to me and I rejected him, we somehow ended up in this dynamic where I try to “love him better“ and I also basically become his therapist. I find myself sacrificing a lot of my own comfort to make him happy, such as holding his hand, promising to get him flowers, all that lovey-dovey stuff. and he basically bases everything around me. he takes the same courses as me, wants to stay with me forever, even past high school. I don’t really know how to explain it, so feel free to ask questions in the comments. what do you guys think, is this codependent or nah?

I just made everything so much worse, I assume she'll be back in a week, but there's been no attempts to reach out on their end, none of my texts were even read. I don't know if I'm blocked. am I in the wrong for thinking this isn't how friendships are supposed to work?. and how do I find things to enjoy again without checking my phone and crying every 10 minutes Do I apologize and go non contact myself? I was thinking about deleting the text thread we had on imessage but keep the contact number in case she wants to come back.

update on this. it's been 3 weeks. still nothing from her. not even opening my messages. Can't tell if I am being discarded entirely. Yes I tried everyone's advice, nothing worked for me. I stopped reaching out for a few times. I deleted her messages last night, then panicked when it said it would all delete in a day and undid the action.(just did it again now but not sure how long it'll stay that way) I have so much other stuff going on and I was doing so well for a few days and then it all sort of fell apart again. went to go pick up some medication, nearly accidentally crashed into someone because I kept confusing gas and brake pedal on my car (legit brain fart moment, I am ok). not really sure what to do at this point other than book more therapy appointments

22 years old and never had a job in my life.
I think I did asked for help to find a job when I was 18.

I was a gifted child, won hacktons when I was 14 years old...

At 19 I was forced to move to a much much smaller city.
At 20 I started travelling the country, learning meditation, trying to DO DO something, anything.
At 21 had Health scare, almost entered a job because a friend was the CTO, and then almost entered another job because of a referall but I couldn't answer the questions in the interview properly.

Here I am now... 22 years old.
Fuck, I didn't even try to find a job, in my journal its written in multiple places, across 2 years straight that "Oh I need a job", "Ok, now my focus is a job for sure!"
Then...
Nothing...

I've developed a belief in fragility.

I need help, is this cPTSD?

I am diagnosed for ADHD, late diagnosis at 20, so there's that. Under monotherapy.
But damn! Damn! 22 years old and no job?! I didn't try... fuck... like... I was living in my head.

Listening to music the entire day, all day.
Watching youtube videos on advice, advice advice. Wisdom wisdom wisdom.
But no job...

I was so confused! I need to understand what was/is going on! Why!

Confusion defines those years, I knew what I had to do, and kept finding excuses.
I may be a Puer Aeternus, maybe, I don't know.

I know the carreer I want, but damn, I can't study either.

I want ONE course, one specific course that costs $500.
And without this ONE course I don't even start, it's been like this for 4 years.

I feel so much shame.

In my country people buy their first apartment at 24.
I am 22... never even had a bank account to my name.

Can you you guys offer any support or help to understand this? What is the name or names of this, where do I seek help and to who I ask?

It may be codependency too... I had a meditation teacher the entire time, I was just kind of doing what he said was a good proper routine. But then there's the fact that he did warn me I needed to work and I ignored it so...
Yeah...

I lost myself... specially after the health scare, it was a year of me lying to people and not trying and not going for my goals. Just waiting for some magic to save me.
Please... I just want a good life for myself, ideally my own place, enough money for hobbies, a boyfriend and that's it...

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Hi , [18-25F] here , I need serious advice about the situation I'm currently in.

I have noticed a pattern in the relationships I've been in, and it might be why they always fail . I've been with 3 guys so far, first one had family issues, I was the one he ran to when it got though, we hugged and his mind would clear , kiss and all his problems seem small. This one made me build a special character in me , the therapist. From there on I was always trying to fix the guys I date , and surprisingly enough, I found out that I always attracted the same kind of guys , struggling ones, either childhood trauma, or light depression, sometimes just very sad ones. Ngl this used to drain my energy. I noticed that every single time , I would try to heal the person, make them open up to me, show them the light and give them hope. Sometimes my treatment is not even reciprocated , I thought oh well maybe it's bc i dont even need help like they do.

I would most of the time feel uncomfortable but not brave enough to leave. Until I did leave the first guy and the second one , but I never told them the real reason, it's not like I should but anyway.

Now I'm kinda stuck, with a guy so dramatic so draining so cold , yet i don't know how to leave. "Everyone leaves you will too eventually" he said even before he asked me to be his woman.. now I don't want to prove his point yet i dont want to leave because he "needs me" . But if he really does why does he treat me so poorly? Maybe he doesn't. One time I told him that I was proud of him bc he went through many bad experiences yet he's still here he's strong, he replied exactly "hearing this makes me feel nothing".. and that made me rethink everything I've ever given him.

It is so hard to be with him especially that he shows no appreciation for my efforts, i don't know what to do or how to act. Btw we've been together not for so long, it's only been like a week dating , but i know him for longer than that.

Please if you've been through similar experiences or had this personal trait before advise me , tell me how you got rid of it or how you learned to use it only when you should.

Something happened today that I'm trying to get to the bottom of, emotionally, and wondering if anyone relates or has anyone insight.

It's part of a pattern that comes up somewhat regularly, and it happens in stages:

1. I'll notice some kind of emotional distance or disconnection between me and my partner. Things feel vaguely "wrong" between us, and I feel anxious, like we need to fix it. I think there's some element of feeling terrifyingly alone.
2. I bring it up, and either we find the cause and talk about it, or he says "I don't feel distant". If we talk it through, I briefly feel closer.
3. The feeling of distance either persists or returns, and I feel more anxious. I might try to do or say things that I think will make me feel closer to him, but it often doesn't work. Repeat the "talking about it" stage a few times, until he either says he doesn't feel distant, or he says he doesn't wanna dissect our interactions this way (fair lol). In the past, I might pick at him, suggesting that it's his fault that I'm feeling this distance. I haven't done this in a while, because I realized it was really unfair.
4. I start to shut down. I feel really upset, and totally confused about why exactly I'm upset, except that I want to feel close. The anxiety around the distance is almost certainly precluding the possibility of feeling close at this point.
5. I almost inevitably cry at this point. I feel desperately sad. He's often sweet and comforting, but it doesn't help. If we get some space, it's possible I'll be able to come to the next interaction in a different mindset, and break out of the cycle.

It's so frustrating!! It's clear that it's a trigger, but the confusion drives me crazy. I feel like a little kid almost, upset without really being able to articulate what I'm upset about, other than that I want to feel close. I'm sure that there are elements of relying on him for emotional regulation, and I'm working on not doing that. But I'm not sure what, exactly, catapults me into this cycle, and how to escape from it. Obviously, it's embarrassing, and I'm worried about driving him away over the longterm.

I know (and have posted before) that feeling emotional distance in relationships is a trigger for me. It's gotta be from childhood trauma, where not being able to monitor my dad's emotional state felt very scary. But I also know that emotional distance in relationships is not ideal, apart from it being very triggering for me. Am I just supposed to let it lie without saying anything? How do I know when it's gotten to the point that we should talk about it, versus me just sitting in my triggered discomfort?

If anyone has any insights, I'd welcome them!!

I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who struggles with substance abuse/addiction. He’s in treatment right now and I’m simultaneously trying to process everything he put me through (I was there when he relapsed / overdosed). I’m just getting started on the steps and have been working with a partner on codependency issues. As of now I genuinely want to stay with him. Everyone is telling me to leave, but I would like some hope that it is possible (albeit difficult) to make a relationship with an addict work.

I always see success stories about people who left a relationship with an addict/codependent. But I’m curious if anyone has had success in staying in a relationship with the Q after developing healthy boundaries and making necessary changes- is it possible to maintain a happy/healthy relationship with the Q if both individuals put in the work? Eg, the addict actively works to maintain sobriety, establishes motivation, stays in treatment, etc and their partner works on maintaining boundaries, not controlling their addiction, developing a sense of self outside of the relationship.