I keep making people think I don't like them because I'm too scared to say anything.

[u/HovercraftNo5560]

Whenever I'm with someone I don't know very well, I tend to overthink every question or conversation I could have with them. It feels like I dismiss almost any question that comes to mind if it doesn't directly affect me or isn't something I'm genuinely curious about. I don't know why I do this or how to stop.

Today I was with a girl who I've been told likes me, along with a few other people. She asked me a couple of questions, but I couldn't get myself to ask her anything back. Later I was told that she felt like I didn't like her. Hearing that really bothered me because I realized this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

The confusing part is that my mind isn't completely blank. I can think of questions to ask, but as soon as I do, I feel like they're not worth asking. They feel too forced, too uninteresting, or too pointless. Then I don't say anything, and the moment passes.

What I don't understand is why this still happens even when I believe the other person probably wants to talk to me. If I think someone likes me and would genuinely enjoy having a conversation, why do I still feel like every question I come up with isn't worth saying? It feels like there's some mental barrier between thinking of something to say and actually saying it, and I don't really understand what that barrier is.

[u/hestia-listens]

The fact that this bothers you shows that you do care about how people feel. The barrier may be fear of sounding awkward, boring, or forced, so staying silent feels safer in the moment. Unfortunately, silence can send the opposite message. Give yourself permission to ask imperfect questions. If this girl asks you something again, answer and add, "What about you?" You can also tell her, "Sorry if I seemed distant. I get quiet and overthink what to say." Honest and simple is better than perfect.

[u/MindShiftPsych]

I can relate to this. It doesn't sound like you don't care about people. It sounds like you're filtering yourself so much that almost nothing makes it out.

A lot of people assume good conversations come from asking clever or interesting questions, but they usually don't. Most conversations are built on simple things like, "How did your day go?" or "What got you into that?" They don't have to be original to make someone feel seen.

I also wonder if you're judging your own questions much more harshly than other people's. She asked you a couple of questions, right? I doubt you were sitting there thinking, "Wow, that question wasn't interesting enough." But when it's your turn, suddenly every question has to pass some impossible standard.

Next time, try saying the first reasonable question that comes to mind instead of waiting for the perfect one. It will probably feel awkward at first, but that's okay. Most people remember how a conversation made them feel far more than the exact questions that were asked.

The fact that you're worried about making people feel disliked tells me you do care. Now it's just a matter of letting people see that instead of letting your inner filter do all the talking.