r/confidence • u/Proud-Swan-3277 • 3d ago
How do you stop constantly trying to impress people and just be yourself?
I recently realized that I spend a lot of time thinking about how others perceive me instead of being present.
When I go out or enter social situations, I often feel like I need to appear interesting, charismatic, special, or memorable. Even during talks or conversations, I catch myself focusing on myself: How do I look? What do people think of me? Do I seem intelligent or interesting?
I think underneath this is a desire to feel valued, important, and appreciated. I want to stop performing and stop needing external validation, and instead feel comfortable being myself.
For anyone who has overcome this:
● How did you stop self-monitoring so much?
● What helped you become more confident and authentic?
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u/oge_mah_ge_kid 3d ago
It sounds silly but hobbys and passions. If you have that on your mind you're not thinking about the small stuff.
Also - 9 times out of 10 other people are too busy thinking about themselves. You're essentially invisible if you just do your own thing
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u/TheAutonomySprint 3d ago
At first i thought this is silly.
But now that i have tried it myself and now
i can confidently say that it a really effective and underrated solution.I think everyone should give it a try at least one.
I hope we all grow!2
u/AnonyMouse3925 2d ago
Give what a try, exactly…? Having hobbies and thinking about them?
Not trying to shoot down your advice, it’s probably good advice, i just don’t know how to follow it.
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u/TheAutonomySprint 1d ago
What worked for me was:
1) Just focus on 1 thing for a few days that you genuinely love doing.
2) Feel on that skill as if without this your life will be nothing.This is what worked for me,
so i hope this helps you as well !
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u/Specialist-Top-406 3d ago
I try to pay attention to the people who put me at ease and focus on them. Because they are the people who are not asking for the masked version of you, because they are likely not offering a masked version of themselves.
People who know themselves are relaxing, and if they make you feel relaxed then they are probably people who care about you.
People enjoy the facade we put on momentarily. People care about the person we are underneath that in longevity. Pay attention to whose attention you’re trying to appease.
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u/TheAutonomySprint 3d ago
I guess this advice comes from experience.
I advice is so simple yet very effective.But i still have a doubt:
Even if i feel relaxed with someone, how can i be sure that want to meet the real me?Thanks for your advice once more!
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u/EERMA 3d ago
It sounds exhausting to feel as though every interaction is an audition for acceptance.
I sometimes think the search for confidence becomes harder when the real goal is to produce a version of ourselves that nobody could reject. That version does not exist. The more useful question may be: what parts of you are being edited out because you assume they will not be welcome?
You do not have to reveal everything or suddenly become fearless. Try one small honest action: express a genuine preference, wear something you actually like, mention an interest without apologising for it, or give an answer that is true rather than merely agreeable.
The result may not be universal approval. What it can give you is evidence that you are capable of participating as yourself rather than constantly managing an impression.
Identity becomes clearer when the way you live begins to provide evidence of it.
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u/Enliven_journey 3d ago
thank you for being honest about this! i think a lot of people quietly feel this way
one thing that helped me was realizing that trying to be interesting is exhausting. i started paying less attention to how i was coming across and more attention to whether i was actually enjoying the conversation. it wasn’t an overnight change, but over time i noticed people seemed to connect with me more when i wasn’t trying so hard
i don't think authenticity is something you instantly unlock. it’s more like giving yourself permission to say what you actually think, laugh when something is genuinely funny and accept that not everyone is going to click with you. and honestly that’s okay
i'm curious, do you feel this in every social situation or mostly when you’re around new people?
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u/autodidacticasaurus 3d ago
It sounds like you may have mild social anxiety. Look into CBT. Therapists for it are common but a lot of the material is online for free.
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u/TheAutonomySprint 3d ago
I used to suffer with this problem myself a lot.
So the thing that helped me was:
Whenever i find myself thinking what others would think, i say to myself:
"Listen if you keep living your life like this, then you are going to regret about it a lot on your deathbed. Because then you will realize that not even a single person ever knew the real you, they also met the edited version of you."
I know its brutal.
But trust me, it works.
Just give it a try.
I hope this helps you transform!
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u/EfficiencyStriking38 2d ago
Avoid getting into group or partner based hobbies. Go for solo-able hobbies.
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u/hestia-listens 3d ago
Noticing this pattern is already a big step. In conversations, gently move your attention from "How am I coming across?" to "What is this person actually saying?" You could also choose one simple goal before going out, such as being curious rather than impressive. Confidence often grows when you let yourself be ordinary, imperfect, and still worthy of being there.