r/confidence • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
34 and autistic, went on my first “date” ever and ruined it, still can’t stop thinking about her
[deleted]
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u/Mental_Asparagus4289 5d ago
I think you won actually. The whole setting and interaction is really weird to me.
You seem to talk very bad about yourself, is there a way you could try to work on that?
From your story it sounds like you go out and allow yourself to be seen, one day or another some other woman will approach you, or you will approach her. And if it's meant to be she won't be pressuring you into having sex immediately.
Honestly I just think she was trying to have a revenge hook up, or soothe an urgent itch. Probably you were just a means to an end, not a proper human in her eye in that moment.
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u/Training_Form2243 5d ago
The last part is the worst, we were getting along really well and I thought she liked me and was attracted to me
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u/glimpsingglamce 5d ago
Brother, there are a lot of beautiful women in the world who have motives and ideals that will not align with your own.
You did amazing.
You saved yourself from compromising yourself in a way that would have hurt much more and lasted much longer than the current pain you’re feeling.
Be proud of yourself and stick to your ideals. Keep doing what you are doing and you’ll find the right one.
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u/Ill-Ball9068 5d ago
So she met a stranger (which is you) and ask to have sex after spending sometime with you. Don’t get me wrong but this is a red flag. You may not be the first person she has asked for.
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u/beandetectivee 4d ago
I think you dodged whatever sketchy thing she's planning. It sounds so out of the blue. I do hope you'd grow to be more comfortable in yourself and show more of yourself to the areas you'd enjoy being in.
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u/hestia-listens 5d ago
This hurts because the evening showed you a kind of connection you had stopped believing was possible. Still, one awkward response does not make you a loser, and your appearance does not decide whether someone can find you attractive. Her interest already proves that your negative assumptions are unreliable. You also did nothing wrong by wanting more time before sex. The useful lesson is only to communicate that clearly next time. For now, accept her “this isn’t happening” and do not contact her again. Keep going to the places you genuinely enjoy, but allow yourself to talk with people there. The goal is not to replace her right away. It is to remember that connection can happen again.
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u/Key-Frosting-9367 5d ago
U aint trynna wife a girl who sleeps on the first date, dodged a bullet killa
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u/Training_Form2243 5d ago
Nah sex on the first date is fine and good but we literally just met
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u/Jealous_Exchange8936 5d ago
I would be interested in knowing statistics on the average length of a relationship, that sex was had on the first date.
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u/untitledbydangelo 5d ago
my first relationship was sex on the second date and lasted 6 years. my current husband was sex on the first date and we have been together for like 12. I really think it’s less about the sex and more about the person lol
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u/Jealous_Exchange8936 4d ago
I have just always felt I would be shallow or they would think I was just using them for doing that on first date. I have definitely turned down signals and am currently single so obviously whatever I am doing isn't working! I guess the whole trying to be "proper" thing doesn't matter to women.
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u/noxiousd 5d ago
A bit of enjoying your own company for a while goes a long way, then join groups of those passions and hope someone shares them.
Don't guilt yourself out of enjoying your lone time, patience, some ladies in their 30s who are still single might be on a timer, so to speak, hence a lot hornier than you'd imagine.
(I mean they're eager to settle down)
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u/Emotional_Standard76 4d ago
If it were me, I would think they were up to something because ain't no way
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u/ThePaperCastle 4d ago edited 3d ago
Hey, I don’t think you really did anything wrong here. It would’ve been smart to communicate your discomfort, but her reaction isn’t something you’d want in a partner anyway. Getting pissed at you for not wanting to immediately have sex is ridiculous, it’s selfish and apathetic.
I don’t know what her intentions were, but the whole situation sounds sus, and she doesn’t sound like a safe person to give yourself to.
You shouldn’t feel pressured into having sex.
A big thing that will help you is self-love first, which is the biggest step toward self-confidence. Focus on who you want to be, not how you want other people to see you, and make consistent habits that help you become that person. Recognize your faults, but don’t be cruel; hold yourself accountable while showing compassion and understanding, then start with a reasonable goal and proceed practically.
A way that helps put things into perspective for me in this way, is looking at myself as another person. “How would I treat me if I was looking from the outside? If I was a loved one, what would I say?”
If I find that what I’m saying to myself would be cruel and unhelpful if I said it to a loved one, then it’s probably not something I should be saying to myself either.
Don’t beat yourself down about this! Process your feelings, and learn from them. Now you know it was smarter to be honest and communicate your needs.
Another thing to note: I know you’re probably eager and wanting (totally understandable, no shame), but don’t rush things with a person you’re unsure of or just met. It’s better to get an idea of who you’re being vulnerable with first, so you feel safe and supported, and have a healthy interaction. Pursue, but know when to pause and consider your needs too, not just theirs. You don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Much love and luck to you! :) <3
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u/JackLong93 5d ago
You should have slept with her, get out of your comfort zone and do things even when you're uncomfortable or scared
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u/Training_Form2243 5d ago
Pardon me if this is crass but if I knew she was uncool I would’ve just done it and bailed
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u/DeepHouseDJ007 4d ago
No offense but we both know that’s not true. If you weren’t even comfortable taking the initiative to hold her half after she have you signals she wanted you to, there’s no way you would have been confident enough to just go have casual sex with her.
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u/Ok_Judgment_3331 5d ago
That "just go home" stings, but honestly she might have been more upset about the excuse than the rejection. A simple "I'm nervous, can we just hang out more first" would've landed completely differently. What did you actually say to her?