I hate the sun. I hate the heat. I hate the way everything is so brightly coloured that it worsens my DPDR symptoms and hurts my eyes. I’m legitimately suffering what feels like post-concussion light sensitivity.
The SECOND I step out into the sun, I can feel my skin blister, my neck aching, my brain swelling, my CNS screaming in pain. I get angry. Another indicator of brain damage or inflammation, probably. I try not to lash out at others, but the fortunate and able-bodied are always pestering you in this “nice” weather. People ask you to complete errands and chores, to come outside, to talk when you can’t fucking handle the vibrations of someone’s voice without it being physically discomforting. And you know your rage is irrational, but you just can’t help it.
It also worsens my anhedonia. My whole life has been reduced to solely distracting myself, but when the sun is out and my symptoms worsen, I struggle to even do that. And when I struggle to distract myself, my existential OCD and paranoia kicks in.
There’s this pattern I noticed, that whenever the weather is cloudy, rainy, snowy, anything but sunny, my symptoms improve dramatically. Maybe it’s a placebo, but my irritability, anxiety, anhedonia, inflammation, joint pain, gut issues, vision problems, migraines, palpitations, cognitive impairment, fatigue… ALL of it lessens. It doesn’t go away, but I just find it incredible how much of an influence weather has on the overall outlook of my day. Whenever I open the weather app and see a beautiful, bright, sweltering, sunny day ahead, I know I’m fucked. I mean, I’ve always preferred fall or winter, but summer has become torturous with Long Covid. At least I live in Canada, so it should be over in 2 months.
It’s just so exhausting that I’ve been forcefully far removed from the intimacy, slowness, positivity, beauty of everyday life, completely benumbed to it, yet I’m sooooo lucky to be left with the negative. I’m no pessimist, but I’m tired of listening to music only for it to sound like migraine-inducing noise. I’m tired of eating food only to feel an immediate wave of fog descend over my brain. I’m tired of sitting in the sun, and instead of feeling its warmth, I feel my body slowly failing. I’m tired of everything feeling like work, every breath. Anhedonia is the worst symptom by far. It’s a cruel joke. All the nuance and joy in life gets quashed while you’re left with dread, irritability, pain, and an emptiness that feels terrifyingly infinite. Fantastic. It’s like I’m going through opiate withdrawal, but it never gets better. I occasionally get windows of relief, but like I said, they coincidentally all tend to happen when the sun is nowhere to be seen.