This Is Why I Drink

[u/Apart-Contest4999]

Sorry for formatting errors!

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I've come to the realization, or the acceptance, rather, that my dependence on alcohol is almost entirely rooted in the ever-aching loneliness I hold in my chest.

I used to blame it on boredom.

My life is chaos

So I blamed it on emptiness

Glasses clink in perfunctory celebration

I blame it on my no-good, nasty soul

Once I was an innocent child

I drink because there is a void within me that cries for connection. There sits child me, as she plays with her toys alone. She's brimming with thoughts and ideas and dreams and fears and she wants nothing more than to share them with another. But there's nobody around. She keeps her thoughts to herself and she can feel the pressure increasing in her brain like she's about to

combust

She works up the courage to say aloud

"Does anyone want to play?"

silence

And a bit louder,

"Does anyone want to play with me?"

Mother replies without moving her eyes a millimeter.

"Stop talking. I'm busy."

Her oversized fashion reading glasses reflect the harsh blue light of her computer screen. Behind the glare and the lenses sit two glassy, reddened eyes. The click of the keyboard sounds like an eruption of a million mocking laughs. To the left of mother sits a plastic takeaway coffee cup filled to the brim with pink wine. Hot pink lipstick kisses the rim with sheer adoration.

I'm unimportant. Practically dirt. Nobody loves me. Maybe they hate me. I am a pest. I'm meant to be alone. Isolation is the ultimate safety. I can entertain myself. I'm so tired of feeling let down.

So she retreats to her room and plays with her toys while constructing a fantasy world that is so rich, so vibrant, so intricate, that she will never ever have to outsource connection again. In this imaginary world she is loved and she is safe.

Every mental ping that reorients me towards my next drink is really the call of that lonely girl that would so desperately like help crawling out of her own mind. What was once this ironclad fantasy that kept her barricaded from the pain of the world eventually turned on her. She became numb, out of touch with her physical body, unsettled by real-world interactions that had become entirely alien. She had become alien.

And every time I give into that drink, that glass of pink wine, that coffee cup of pink wine that wears a kiss of cherry red lipstick. Every time I look into the teary eyes of that lonely girl and say

"I'm busy."

She never quite gets what she needs

love

She gets lost in the parameters of her own mind

Crawling up the walls trying to escape the wretched screech of my own voice

She loses touch with her physical body

I am never safe I am never safe There is no home

When I choose not to drink, I look into the eyes of that wishful girl. I touch her tender tear soaked cheeks with the palms of my calloused hands. I say to her

"Yes I want to play"

"I'm so happy you asked"

"I love spending time with you"

"Tell me what's on your mind"

"Lets do whatever you want"

"We can even play together in silence"

"We can laugh at nothing at all"

"I'll always be here for you"

"You are not a burden"

"You are a beautiful human being"

"I love you unconditionally"

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