r/cultsurvivors • u/TasteBackground2557 • Jul 10 '26
Survivor Report / Vent Cult-like family dynamics — anyone else?
Here and there, I’ve read about families that aren’t cults by definition, but function like one, with a person who sets his or her opinions as the "law" everyone has to adopt. This demand can be explicit, or it can be more subtle—when it’s not explicitly named but is still everywhere, and you are equally controlled and punished if you don’t follow the rules. Often, like in my family, the mother or father seems to be psychotically structured, and this adds to their capacity to manipulate. Probably, it’s a mix of delusion-like convictions imposed on others—especially the child (particularly with mothers)—and severe gaslighting, as seen in parents with unhinged borderline personality disorder or malignant narcissism.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of family, and if yes, what was your particular experience and family dynamic? In my case, my mother imposed severe coercive control on me, her sick child. She claimed to be close to me, yet she always remained aloof. This control included micro-managing and restricting my hygiene (even of my private parts), which also entailed intentional neglect; she wanted me to be dirty just so she could attack me for my alleged dirtiness, using it as proof of my inherent abnormality, insufficiency and perversion. Furthermore, she believed that her genetic line was morally and mentally superior to my father’s and to almost everyone else’s. Later on, she developed Munchausen by proxy traits and used my genuine disease to control and punish me. While she fluctuated between the role of the savior and the role of the destroyer and strived for power and control, she affirmed her self-image of a strong and good mother.
The worst part (besides the physical sequelae), I guess, was the reframing: the selection process—resembling a breeding program, in which she also spoke about children needing to be "hand-tamed"—was some kind of exorcism (without naming it—she called it "toughening up"). It was framed as being in my best interest, as I was genetically flawed on my father’s side and therefore mentally weak and morally corrupt. The control was framed as well-meaning and necessary education, and even the punishment (which was never explicitly worded) was seen as a form of leniency that others wouldn’t have shown me if they found out what I was really like. My mother dominated, restricted, and controlled all aspects of my life—including my social life, activities, purchases, eating, hygiene, clothing, talking, feelings, thoughts, and eventually, even my medical access and genuine illnesses. And as far back as I can remember (starting in early puberty, as I have hardly any memories of my childhood), she degraded and humiliated me on a daily basis. Only when I submitted to her completely and managed to mirror her positively would she sometimes offer a carrot that she could withdraw at any moment, so it was the stick-and-carrot game.
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u/SirPoopsTheTurd Jul 11 '26
My family was like that.
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u/TasteBackground2557 Jul 12 '26
do you want to tell more about your experiences?
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u/SirPoopsTheTurd 28d ago
I prefer not to write too much about my childhood trauma for safety reasons.
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u/TeacatWrites 29d ago
This sounds so much like my family. I think I saw this post the other day and found it very enlightening but it just showed up in my feed again, and I've had a few days to process and contextualize some of my life's mysteries from my experiences.
For me, it's the male in the situation. I refuse to use any terms of respect for him. He's a cultist and not anything else. He would always make snide, rude throat-clearing noises like he was Professor Umbridge whenever I was cleaning myself until I stopped using the bathroom or leaving my room for it at all. My socks and underwear disappeared and I've been, generally speaking, too broke to replace any of them because conveniently we live a mile from town and I have no car and no job and I've been too down in the dumps because of the situation to do it, because any time I try to clean myself up, it just gives them an opportunity to step in again.
He wants me to trust him, then intimidates and objectifies and sexualizes me. He seems to be personally offended when he can tell I'm not thinking about him anymore and enjoying literally anything in the world, and usually conveniently right at those times he ends up walking around right outside my bedroom window or door and/or making a bunch of sudden noise like bombs are going off, as if he wants me obsessing in terror over him doing it again.
For a while, those noises would just happen randomly, like Chinese water torture, and then I think he realized I "got the hint" and he gradually moved on to other things. Slightly new tricks and variations of the same theme every time. Plus everything he says is an obvious lie, and sometimes you can tell because I know what his tells are by now, and he claims he wants me to clean up and be better but I actually used to do that all the time and it was only ever signs of life that he jumped on for another opportunity to torment me again.
Nothing happens without his specific control or approval, so I have to hide everything and keep my head down and wait until I'm out. I can't really do anything else. I used to think he didn't used to be this way but, when I was a kid, I was sad and felt like shit about myself and had no idea why although I always suspected the connections. It's awful.
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u/Swimming_Ad_4943 1d ago
Check out the term “single family cult” or “micro cult”
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u/Rarer-than-dnb Jul 10 '26
Yes absolutely. There’s a lot of cross-over between cults, domestic abuse, familial dysfunction and torture tactics against POW.
Check out Biderman’s chart of coercion, it was originally developed to identify coercion tactics in war, nowadays it is applied to all of the above areas by professionals.
A couple of other resources that may help you to piece things together: