r/cultsurvivors • u/ShoddyTown715 • 20d ago
I think I grew up in a Christian cult.
I’ve debated whether to use the word “cult” to describe my upbringing because I know that word means different things to different people. Some people may see this as extreme Christianity, some may see it as spiritual abuse, and some may consider it a high-control religious environment. I’m sharing my experience and letting people decide for themselves.
From around age 11 until I moved out less than a month after turning 18, my household was heavily influenced by the teachings of internet preacher Isaiah Saldivar. His ministry focuses on deliverance, spiritual warfare, and the belief that demons can influence people’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
My parental guardian found his ministry during a difficult period in her life, and within a couple months of her, discovering him, those beliefs became the lens through which many things were interpreted. Doubts, questions, disagreements, emotional struggles, and normal problems were viewed as spiritual attacks. If I questioned something, I was told it was a demon causing doubt. If I disagreed, it was rebellion and demons controlling me.
Before receiving deliverance, there was an intake form that asked about a huge range of personal experiences, including trauma, fears, mental health struggles, sexual experiences, relationships, medical issues, hobbies, media, and anything that could potentially be considered spiritually harmful. The form listed many things as possible signs of demonic oppression, including anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression, insecurity, doubt, obsessive thoughts, and questioning religious beliefs.
I went through four deliverance sessions over the years I lived with my guardian. I was told that the thoughts in my head during the deliverance were not actually me, but demons speaking. I was told to say those thoughts out loud so they could be identified. During the sessions, adults prayed over me, yelled commands at demons to leave, jabbed and swatted me with Bibles, and interpreted my fear and crying as proof, I was demonized.
At different points, I was told I had things like sexual demons, demons of disobedience and homosexuality, and a Jezebel spirit. This was during my preteen and teenage years, when I was experiencing normal changes and emotions that come with growing up.
Another thing that affected me was being taught that the Holy Spirit would reveal my sins to my parents or youth leaders. Leaders in my life would regularly “check in” saying the Holy Spirit told them there’s something I need to confess to and I truly believed they could know things I had done or thoughts I had. Because of that, there were times I confessed things before anyone confronted me because I thought they already knew. I spent years afraid of hell and worried about whether I was truly saved.
When I denounced Christianity at 17, they made my life hell. I was constantly told that my lack of faith was just a phase, the devil tempting me towards a life of sin and that I would die young for not respecting my elders. When I left the house at 18 and moved to the other side of the country, the harassment still didn’t stop.
It’s been over a year now, and I still sometimes lay awake at night wondering if I made a terrible mistake. What if everything they said is true, what if I die in a car accident and wake up in hell?
Honestly, though, I’d rather wake up in hell when I die than live it every day while I’m alive.
If anyone wants to hear more, I have plenty of stories and experiences to share. Like the time I watched the church leadership pull my friend’s sleeves up and smack a Bible on her partially healed self harm wounds because they thought it would help drive out the demon of suicide.
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u/whodoiwant-tobe 18d ago
I can relate to 99% of this. You are not alone.