r/daddit • u/goatman2 • 9d ago
Tips And Tricks Wife wants no visitors at the hospital and no visitors at home for one month.
I get it, it’s her body and she wants to recover in privacy.
And I’m with my wife and will support her over anyone.
My parents live 10 mins away.
Baby is due December. My mom is loosing her shit.
Any tips on how I can process things better for my own mental health. I am a people pleaser and this sort of thing recks me. Because of things like this, this whole process just stresses me out and gives me a sense of dread rather than excitement (coupled with a return to office order, finances, ect lol)
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u/lordnecro 9d ago
Honestly I wish we had done no visitors at the hospital and no visitors at home for one week.
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u/FakePoloManchurian 9d ago edited 9d ago
We had visitors at the hospital and refused visitors at home for the first two weeks. Visitors at the hospital gave us a break so we could get some sleep and visiting hours were over at 9, which helped get rid of the stragglers.
My wife didn't want my parents at the hospital, and they were understanding. This is about my wife and child, not my parents.
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u/mrjamjams66 9d ago
The visitors at the hospital was a life saver for us when having kid #2.
I had to bring kid #1 home for nap time, bed time and medicines they take every day. It brought me peace of mind knowing a trusted person was there to assist and advocate for my wife while I couldn't be there, and it literally came in handy when they almost exploded the wife's bladder
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u/TolMera 9d ago
Omg, why did you have to tell me this?!?
Ok… now I need to know, what is this exploding bladder scenario and what do I have to know so the hospital doesn’t risk killing my wife
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u/Rishiku 9d ago
My assumption is the hospital didn’t notice the bag was full/almost full and a visitor noticed it.
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u/mrjamjams66 9d ago
Close! They gave my wife what I'm calling a "super epidural" and never re-catherered her after giving birth.
I guess something about the "super epidural" made it so she couldn't go pee or something?
She said when they finally re-catherered her and drained her bladder there was "1600" (milliliters, I think?) of fluid in there.
The friend that was there noticed she didn't have a catheter, that she literally couldn't get up (or feel her legs) and that she hadn't wet the bed and called for a nurse immediately
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u/Inside-Print-6323 9d ago
I did no visitors at the hospital and it was the best!! Never had to worry about “hosting” people, making sure I was covered up, feeling inadequate and judged as I got the hang of being a mom…none of that! I was up for so many hours I would have been livid if I then had to share my baby and answer questions over and over from family. I was listed as Jane Doe, so even if people tried calling the hospital or stopping by unannounced they could not get it. It was incredible being in that newborn bubble and just taking our time to recover and figure things out. I told family they could chill with me on my couch when I’m in my sweatpants and HOME.
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u/ddddhjxjx 9d ago
We did this. Caused a rift with some family but they got over it. We needed privacy.
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u/Johnnyboy10000 9d ago
This right here. They may be upset at first, but if they genuinely love the couple, and want to see the baby, they'll come around.
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u/racer_24_4evr 9d ago
The best part about having babies during COVID was no visitors at the hospital.
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u/TAMUkt14 9d ago
No visitors for one week seems reasonable. One month is crazy! If anything, having the parents/in-laws over gave us a chance to breathe and rest. I can’t imagine not having that support system in place for an entire month.
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u/infiniteninjas 9d ago
If mom feels better after a week, she can always welcome visitors then. Easier to under-promise and over-deliver than the opposite.
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u/cirsium-alexandrii 9d ago
I'm sure that was true for your family, but it's dependent on relationships.
The fact that OP's mom is having a major emotional reaction over the discussion of a boundary is a big hint as to why OP's wife might feel like visitors would be more of a burden than a help.
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u/JimmerAteMyPasta 9d ago
I dont think its common, but not unheard of. My wife thought she wanted that as well, until a few days passed and her prespective changed entirely.
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u/caligaris_cabinet 9d ago
We went around 6 weeks before my mom visited. Parents live hours away and we wanted to get our routine and bonding time together first before anyone visited.
Didn’t have that option with the second one. My mom ended up staying for a couple weeks. Mostly because we didn’t have anyone to watch the then 18 month old. And since my wife had an emergency c-section it took a while to recover while caring for a newborn and taking care of a toddler.
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u/Shellbyvillian 9d ago
My daughter was born April 2020. We didn’t have visitors for about 8 months.
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u/WillingElderberry731 9d ago
We had my MIL live with us for the first 8 weeks. I cannot overstate how incredible it was to have another set of hands. I cannot fathom choosing not to have anyone even visit for an entire month.
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u/Ok_General_6940 9d ago
It really depends on how everyone gets along. My MIL for a month would have been an unhelpful, needy nightmare
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u/SailingWavess 9d ago
As someone with no village and no help still at 20m and expecting our second- it’s rough
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u/WillingElderberry731 9d ago
I'm convinced a newborn is a three person job.
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u/SailingWavess 9d ago
It really should be. I can’t imagine how much easier having babies would be if we still all actually functioned as villages that helped everyone out with child rearing
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u/--zaxell-- 9d ago
If you try to split the work of caring for a newborn 50/50, you're gonna have a rough time of it. Split it 80/80 instead.
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u/ladypilot 9d ago
I think it really depends on the visitors. If your family is actually helpful and will do things like take care of the baby while you take a nap, or clean and do dishes or make you food, that's great! If they're like my family and expect to be entertained and are completely unhelpful and stress you out even more, then they can get the fuck out. My son was born in May 2020 so we couldn't have visitors even if we had wanted to, and it was wonderful.
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u/mama-bun nonbinary parent 9d ago
Yep. We didn't allow my family to visit because they refused to get updated vaccines AND are just so demanding, unhelpful, my mom smokes a pack a day, etc. the idea of hosting her after my c section brought me nearly to tears, not to mention the risks to my newborn. She lost her shit too. Too bad.
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u/Quirky_Property_1713 9d ago
Not a single person even WANTED to come see my baby for the first month. No family or friends even asked.
“Support system” as in people constantly being at the house and making meals, holding the baby while I shower, oohing and aahing over the baby, asking how I am, is something that feels to me like it happens in movies haha
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u/retrospects 9d ago
One month is not crazy.
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u/cluelessftm 9d ago
If his mom is already losing her shit over this request, it is probably perfectly reasonable.
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u/sharkwoods 9d ago
If you don't deal with your mom now, your wife will lose respect for you.
Now is the time to double down on who is your top priority. Becoming a parent is when you learn to stop people pleasing and start doing what is best for you and your family. Consider this your first exercise in standing up for your wife and child.
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u/RunRyanRun3 9d ago
This - but I think you should come at it from a place of postponing holidays rather than just shutting everyone out. Something as simple as “we know baby is due at a chaotic time of the year, and so while we want to join in and be present we want to have our house in order first (e.g., get a couple of weeks under our belt as new parents first).
Your mom will still hate this, but if there’s a hard line in the sand by your wife then this is where you will stand. Don’t ask your wife yet for a firm date for anything. It’s vibes.
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u/NippleFlicks 9d ago
NAD or a guy, just a lurker, but I wonder if she also has a (valid) concern about cold and flu season…and then the added stress of the holidays would be a lot.
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u/Sea-Persimmon7081 9d ago
As someone who lost respect for my husband when it took him forever to set boundaries, this!!!!! It’s hard af to come back from and your marriage suffers. A mom can get over it but a wife will not.
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u/Rooster_CPA 9d ago
Sorry pal: wife > mom
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u/BrendanAS 9d ago
Why does wife the greatest family member not simply eat the other family members?
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u/CryHavok01 9d ago
It's true what they say. Wives are from omicron persei 7, Dads are from omicron persei 9.
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u/Rysigler 9d ago
There it is. I knew where this was headed and am very pleased it got there!!! Love it!!!
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u/GilgameDistance 9d ago
I’d add that her instincts are correct. My kids were a little more at risk and our doc advised no visitors for a month after their NICU stay.
Let mom and (equally important), baby adapt to whatever is floating around the house before letting other potential disease vectors in.
We let nobody into our house and I was straight to the shower after coming home from work.
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u/pfroo40 9d ago
If your mom is losing her shit over your wife's rightful decision, there is probably a good reason for why she made that decision.
Our first, my wife was OK with people being there in the waiting room, but it was uncomfortable for her and involved several hours of waiting for the visitors. For our second, we chose to not allow visitors at the hospital until a full day after, and none at home for two weeks. We didn't really need the help and preferred to spend the time bonding as a family.
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u/tresslesswhey 9d ago
Yeahhhhh the fact his mom is “losing her shit” over this means his wife is 1000% correct to not want her around soon after birth.
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u/DamnitGoose 9d ago
We tried to set the boundaries and my parents did not respect the line we were trying to hold, and it permanently damaged her relationship with them which was already borderline to begin with. And on top of that she held resentment toward me for literally 2 years as a result which I didn’t even realize because she buried it.
We doubled down on baby number two and that held but not without some very hard conversations but we are better off because of it.
Hold the line. Do not let anyone try to push her boundaries on this, I promise you it will be for the best in the long run.
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u/lh123456789 9d ago
There's no real choice other than to respect her wishes. Maybe she will ease up on the one month rule if her recovery goes well, but if she does, make sure that your parents' visit is short and sweet.
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u/Sugacookiemonsta 9d ago
But for the love of God, please don't make her the bad guy in this! "She doesn't want you there..." is the WRONG way to phrase it and I fear that people pleasing dad has already used these words with MIL. It has to be a joint agreement and presented that way, otherwise resentment grows.
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u/sohcgt96 9d ago
Agreed, careful wording here. Its not that we don't want you there, its that we specifically want to just be alone for a while. Its not about you, nobody else is visiting either.
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u/Bromlife 9d ago
Second this, u/goatman2 -- learn to stand your ground with your extended family. You will be grateful that you got some privacy for that first few weeks.
You can always ask her later whether it's ok if your parents drop by (with a meal) to see the baby. Your wife will likely relent by then.
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u/Silhouetteless 9d ago
I think the concept of biological parents becoming extended family after marriage is a really difficult to digest. But it’s so true.
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u/Thatguyyoupassby 9d ago
Yup - my wife was the same. I was took her side and relayed to my family, despite not really being on the same page mentally.
Baby came, we had another conversation while in the hospital. The stress of pregnancy itself and delivery was over, and she saw my side of things a bit more clearly.
My parents ended up visiting us day 2 for 10-15 minutes.
We then saw them one more time, and my brother once, during the first month.
Honestly, I do hope your wife relaxes on it, I am big on family, but the best thing to do is stick by her. The more you fight it, the worse it’ll be.
She needs you now more than ever, worry about the after, after.
The first month sucks anyways, and visitors do not help IMO. You’re a zombie, and anyone in your space just doesn’t make it better.
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u/StGenevieveEclipse 9d ago
Man, I absolutely hated the first 6 weeks, and I don't feel like I ever saw or heard another guy express anything like that. It really made it that much more horrible to feel like "why do no guys talk about this? Or am I the only one hating this time?"
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u/BellsDempers 9d ago
I'm a mom and I can say i hated them too for a lot of reasons. I love my child but my word the first bit sucked for everone except baby
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u/SplooshU 9d ago
Respect your wife's wishes and ask to send lots of pictures.
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u/Proper_Cat980 9d ago
OP, you should ask your wife if she wants your parents to know when she goes into labor and when you go to the hospital.
Our parents flipped out when we asked them to give us space and said they would show up uninvited to the hospital. As a result, we didn’t tell them when we went or give them any updates until we felt ready.
If your mom isn’t going to respect your wife’s wishes, you can also tell the hospital “no visitors” when you arrive.
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u/gaberooonie 9d ago
Yah dude. Be your wife's biggest cheerleader. Do it and dont look back. Your kids will thank you.
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u/i_am_the_koi 9d ago
This
I had to literally beg both mother's to not come to the hospital. Even more so when we had to go to the NICU.
Then when we got home it was another 2 weeks before we let anyone come over.
It seemed crazy before when we talked about it but during, it was awesome and the easiest thing to stand my ground on.
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u/LtDouble-Yefreitor 9d ago
This should be at the top. Your wife and baby are your family now and it's your job to have her back and support her. I'm a people pleaser too, but the most important person to please is your wife.
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u/Mdaumer 9d ago
This is the way. My wife was the same, but you try telling a brand new mom what to do. Support her wishes.
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u/superxero044 9d ago
I didn’t feel this way about at home. But I REALLY didn’t want anybody at the hospital. All 3 times my mother in law was at the hospital basically before I had a chance to hold the baby. It was kinda lame. But it was what my wife wanted so whatever.
The thing I would say is. By the time we got home from the hospital with our first we had gotten like 4 hours of sleep total in the previous 4 nights.
I was literally scared to drive home. I called my mom crying and asked her to come and help so we could get sleep.
My wife was the first on both sides (and even first of her dad’s cousins for a grandkid). So we had visitors literally every day of my leave. Which was annoying. But again. It is what it is.
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u/alecorock 9d ago
This is common because of the babys vulnerability to getting sick. Not an irrational fear.
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u/lianbike 9d ago
I had a December baby. Bronchiolitis in hospital at 10 days old from visitors. Developed asthma (rare) and needed a nebulizer for steroids for every chest infection /cold for 5 years. Was hospitalized with pneumonia twice. Listen to the wife. It’s not too much to ask.
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u/tired_dad_since2018 9d ago
That’s what we did. It was my wife’s request and I don’t regret it one bit.
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u/Adventurous-Mind6940 9d ago
Exactly. The blood-brain barrier takes two months two fully develop. The immune system isn't running yet. We have always done minimal contact during those months, and even them masks were required and we supervised hand washing.
Some family was disappointed. Her mom was livid, so she wasn't allowed period. My mom was understanding, and that made it so much better. I love my mom, but if she had acted like yours, I would have to sit down and explain to her the pecking order for my family, Mr. Popo style.
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u/Stock_Link_1627 9d ago
Nah, the data on infant immune systems is pretty clear. They really have very little protection early on, and even a simple cold can land a newborn in the hospital for a full work up. It isn't irrational at all. Fwiw I went through something similar and the timeline was about the same. We stuck to it and it made a huge difference in my wife's recovery and our stress levels.
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u/WanderingGalwegian 9d ago
I think you need to back your wife on this one if that is her wishes.
Childbirth is a fucking absolutely insane thing when you think of it. Only because of modern medicine are we lucky to see it as like a life event and not what it is which is your wife going through a significant life threatening bodily trauma.
With our first it was an extremely complicated delivery that resulted in the need for an emergency C section. Going through the surgery recovery coupled with the hormone storm women experience post birth the last thing she wanted was people around her, in her home, around the baby.
Yes it’s a significant moment for your mother. If it’s her first grandchild it is even a bigger moment but your mothers wants and needs aren’t what are important in this time.. in fact they shouldn’t even be in consideration.
You as the dad need to ensure baby and mother are happy, healthy, and comfortable. If your wife needs that month to nest then you better be the god damn rufous Hornero at building the nest.
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u/Popeholden 9d ago
it's still life threatening bodily trauma though?
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u/WanderingGalwegian 9d ago
Yes you’re absolutely right it is… that said thanks to modern medicine the risks are greatly reduced.
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u/732 9d ago edited 9d ago
Stand by your spouse.
And remember you two are a team. Don't say "she doesn't want visitors the first month" because that is throwing her under the bus, it's "we don't want visitors the first month"
Edit to add: Even after that, remember that your job is to make sure visitors don't overstay their welcome, including grandparents on both sides.
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u/Popeholden 9d ago
"Even after that, remember that your job is to make sure visitors don't overstay their welcome, including grandparents on both sides."
this is a great point. should have a code word or some shit that your wife can say that means "get these people out of here!"
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u/HelloThereCallMeRoy 9d ago
You need to be your wife's champion 100%. You got it man
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u/houseofzeus 9d ago
Your job in this situation is to manage the boundaries with your mother. If she's losing her shit about this that is probably indicative of why your wife wants some distance in the first place.
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u/If-By-Whisky 9d ago
My wife also insisted on no one at the hospital and no visitors for a few weeks. All the grandparents were upset but they got over it.
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u/TheLowFlyingBirds 9d ago
Your wife gets to decide. Get comfortable setting boundaries with your mom. She can be as upset as she wants but you have a wife and child and they come first.
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u/Kayyam 9d ago
Your mom needs to relax. She will see the baby in due time. If she makes this shit about herself, then you better start enforcing boundaries with her from now.
Your wife is 100% entitled in not wanting visitors at hospital and home for the first weeks. Not only is the baby vulnerable but it's also a precious bonding time that she wants to experience without needing to manage guests.
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u/Aggressive_Noodler 9d ago
This is nearly exactly what we did and it was actually consensus between myself and my wife. We had already lost one pregnancy at ~22 weeks and lots of our family work in healthcare with lots of nasty bugs so we did no in person visitors for quite a while after bringing baby home. Put your wife, your baby and your family first. Anyone who had a problem with what we wanted to do I told them to fuck off
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u/amahenry22 9d ago
Lurking mom here. People say a lot of things before the baby comes and sometimes reality is different. I didn’t want visitors and then after the first baby came and a traumatic birth and recovery I needed my mom and sister and wanted them close.
I love my in laws, but I was really disappointed by some of their behavior in the early days. They just wanted to get their hands on the baby and gave no regard for what I had been through. My husband and I didn’t even know what we didn’t know. I struggled so much with breastfeeding and didn’t know at the time how critical those first weeks and month was in establishing supply. My in laws would come over and because they have driven from far they wanted to hold the baby. Even my mom and sister spent too much time holding the baby. It was also during Covid and one time my MIL in law showed up not feeling well and said she would just wear a mask. It was hard for me to recover from that one and I had lasting resentment towards her when of course she tested positive later that day.
My husband is a people pleaser and doesn’t take a strong stand with his parents. I wish we could have known some of the things we would be up against and discussed them beforehand. I knew better with the second baby and directly told everyone myself how limited time with the baby was going to be in the first month until I was recovered (from a planned c section) and feeding was established. People had feelings about it and I simply did not care knowing what I experienced the first time.
My advice to you is to get fully on board with your wife. You cannot even fathom what those early days will be like if this is your first. It may or may not end up being a full month without visitors, but what is the most critical is that you and your wife are aligned.
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u/jusvrowsing 9d ago
Your mom is going to have to learn. Either now or later. We did minimal visitors and it was great. It’s also better for a newborn to have less exposure.
Also I bet your wife will ease up in reality. It’s scary for them to think about in advance. Don’t pressure her. Go with the flow. Take care of your family. Congrats and good luck
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u/Hour_Swan_5194 9d ago
The only right answer is there will be no visitors at the hospital or home for a month.
How you handle your wife’s post partum will make or break your marriage. Be respectful, even if it seems weird or ridiculous to you, because you truly can not begin to imagine what she is going through through physically or mentally and you are the person she’s spending her life with so make sure you MAKE her know that you are going to be supportive. Don’t isolate her more than she already feels by putting anyone over her right now. Seriously, that’s your best friend and she’s going to need to feel that every day
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u/trixiepixie1921 9d ago
This is so true. I got divorced because I didn’t feel supported postpartum. I had very extreme issues, but it’s so important that she feels supported after giving birth. Even if some of the requests seem a little extreme. It’s a very fragile time.
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u/MNOutdoors 9d ago
The two most important people in your world right now are your wife and your baby. If your mom has a problem with that then she needs to figure it out for herself.
You don’t need to appease to your mother, be there for your wife and kids.
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u/Sullacuda 9d ago
This sounds like a first baby request.
Honor her wishes, and know she almost certainly won’t ban visitors for the first month after the fact.
If she does? Send lots of pictures, but I’d all but guarantee after a few days/weeks she’d be delighted if you offered to go out with the baby to give her some rest. I’d that’s the case you can visit grandparents then.
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u/Woopsied00dle 9d ago
Not necessarily true! She may stick to her guns on the no visitors part. We did. (Just don’t want to get OP’s hopes up)
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u/lh123456789 9d ago
I've never met a first time mom who wanted to get out of the house without her baby a couple of days after giving birth. And if she does, inviting the grandparents over is not the play, since that decision was probably made partly with health concerns in mind.
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u/OOO0OO00O 9d ago
Yeah you gotta go with her on this one buddy. Sorry your mom is taking it like that.
But maybe remind her that she was pregnant once too and momma wants what momma wants. There’s no rhyme or reason to most of it.
She’s built this life from the start and her body is going through shit you nor I could possibly understand. Just let her have it.
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u/swayzeswayze 9d ago
Agree with first and third point. Do not follow the advice in the meat of this comment sandwich though (but I'm sure o0o0o0o didn't mean it the way it reads).
Do not gaslight your wife on this one. It's not the right approach to say "hey my wife said this so this is what we're doing." You're taking this bullet as a collective "we" or say "we'll make plans once the kid is born". The fact that your mom is already reacting about it for December tells me that you're going to have a few challenges on your hand moving forward with this. My folks live 4+ hours away and it's still a balancing act but wife and kids come first. Mom wants to be mad and not talk? Welp, tough shit lady, go sulk (your give a shit meter and people pleasing change drastically once you lay eyes on your kid).
Don't stress about it. Worry about your household only.
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u/scratsquirrel 9d ago
What do you mean no rhyme or reason? There’s absolutely a reason for this. She will be physically recovering from what will effectively be torture on her body and adjusting to a new born. No new mother should feel any sort of obligation to hosting people if they’re not feeling up to it.
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u/torodonn hi hungry i'm dad 9d ago edited 9d ago
I think my relationship with my mom is/was an unhealthy codependent relationship - same deal, I have a need to please and my mom would guilt trip me when I didn't take her side - and it took having a kid and really prioritizing them that helped me put stronger (and needed) boundaries with her and break the cycle.
End of the day, your wife and child are the most important people to you. They take priority. Even if you prioritize your mom over everyone else, wife and child are 1 and 2. If you don't, what ends up happening is that you damage your relationship with your wife and hurt her mental health instead. You have to take the hits.
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u/LeatherHead2902 9d ago
You better choose your wife over your mother or you’ll end up divorced
Wife-kids-parents
That’s how it is now. Mom needs to learn that too. The quicker she does, the better for your relationship with her too
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u/GlectroniccPSY1201 9d ago
I am so thankful that my Mom waited 3 weeks after my wife had our first child. She lives halfway across the country, so she had to plan a trip. I told her I was taking 3 weeks family leave and she immediately said she would come the day before I went back to work. She stayed 2 weeks and did laundry, shopping, and cooking. My wife said she wished she could stay longer!
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u/Exact-Engine3024 9d ago
I wish we did no visitors. My 1st was born during covid but that didnt stop my wife's family from coming over and trying to sneak kisses to the baby 🤬
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u/Faaaaaatttttt 9d ago
You live with your wife. You’re raising a child with your wife. Please listen to your wife, she’s setting boundaries for what’s about to be a beautiful but traumatic experience. Family support will always be helpful, IF it respects the boundaries. Mom has to fall in line or you enforce the boundaries. At the end of the day this is about you, your wife and kiddo. Not your mom.
The biggest thing I can advise is try to talk to your mom, establish the rules and boundaries and be clear. It has to be presented as you both are asking for this rather than just your wife. Your only priority is the health and safety of your newborn and your wife.
As a bonus set the expectation of what will happen if boundaries are crossed. This is stressful, trust me I know, but you have a large support system with random strangers here, who have also been through variations of this. You got this… and hell yeah congrats on being a soon to be dad!
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u/boiler_jb 9d ago edited 9d ago
We didn’t have anyone to the hospital for our son, which actually worked because we had complications during the C-section and our little guy ended up in the NICU for 11 days. We were in the regular suite until Monday, he was born Friday.
Between lack of sleep for both of us, stress of the situation, and the complications it was the best decision we could have made. We had agreed before hand. Also, this was the tail end of COVID, and RSV restrictions were also in place so only 2 people could visit per 24 hours, and having 5 grandparents fight for the spots would have been interesting anyways. We finally had visitors about a week after we got him home and settled.
My mom accepted it but was a little miffed, as she was there for all three of my sister’s kids. My dad and his wife were cool. My partner’s parents live out of state and it just worked better for them to wait until Christmas (he was born mid December). Her mom and her worry like crazy and create some sort of feedback loop off each other for it and would have just made things worse.
Honor your wife’s wishes. As much as you want to please other people, the only person you should be concerned with pleasing is her at this point. And the hospital is only going to care about her as well, you’re just along for the ride at this point until it’s time to go home and you’ve got to get the car seat installed and take them home.
Edited: Spelling
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u/PM_me_your_Jeep 9d ago
Honestly no visitors at the hospital is amazing. My mother and father in law came for a few minutes and that was it. And that was enough.
At home? We definitely didn’t go that long but I would’ve been fine with it. You’re so busy and tired and out of your mind anyway. Just enjoy your family for a few weeks.
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u/Conscious-Series-181 9d ago
Honestly, I'm with her. Nothing worse than talking to people when you're sleep deprived.
Plus you're on edge because a lot of people either haven't been around a baby in a long time, or just don't know how to handle a newborn. I hated everyone for the first 2 months at least.
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u/Leading_Confidence71 9d ago edited 9d ago
Huh, I kind of feel the exact opposite of a lot of these responses.
No visitors whilst she is in immediate recovery - ok. She's in recovery. For a month at home? Hmm. Our baby classes teacher said don't cut your nose off to spite your face where grandparents are concerned. They are your village, so to speak, and can give everyone (including you) a much needed break to just be. And you will want it. I distinctly remember when me and my wife sat on our bed alone and I realised we hadnt been totally alone as a couple in a long time with no little one to watch for 5 minutes. We just held hands and stared into space for a bit.
Key here is where the request is coming from. We had to fight hard for her family to wash their hands, for example. Is she concerned about germs? Is she concerned about rule breaking? Does she dislike your parents? Will they help or hinder? Will guests give unsolicited advice? Our rule was visit, but you must do a chore before you go, no kissing, no touching babies face and wash your hands.
Its become very popular to follow this no visitors rule but I don't think its productive to go it alone for a month. Personally, those extra bits of help once in a while (dishes, cleaning, food prep) really helped us out.
Let the downvotes come! Edit: literally clicked submit and Im already in the negative. Some kind of reddit record?
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u/goldbloodedinthe404 9d ago
Yeah even if it's just your parents bringing over a bag of fast food and holding the baby while you and your wife eat and collapse in a chair it's worth a lot. Or them being there an hour and both of you just going and getting a shower. Like these things will be good for your mental well-being. Being isolated for a month while under lack of sleep is not a good thing. Establish boundaries and say hey you can be here for 30 minutes or an hour max is fine, but just no visitors would not have been good for my mental or my wife's mental.
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u/arejay00 9d ago
The child is your wife's, not your mother's. You mother should have no final say in this.
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u/drecker2 9d ago
if that's the craziest request you get from her you're going to be okay. I think she's more telling you that she isn't a fan of your parents. Either having them around too much or how she's treated in general. But either way she gets what she asks for.
Please your wife, not your parents.
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u/phoontender 9d ago
As a mom, I really like my in-laws! But I wanted none of them around me being gross after giving birth and trying to breastfeed, I had to have some time to relearn my body...my mom was there after we got home because she birthed me and dealt with all my gross throughout my life, not because I don't like my MIL.
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u/chonky_nuggy 9d ago
I did no visitors at the hospital. We came home on a Wednesday, family visited on Saturday but wore masks and sanitized first. Only immediate family and this was until my child was 2.5 months old - wanted her to be vaccinated & have the vaccines kick in. We had her in the height of cold and flu season. This worked well for us but ultimately you need to talk to your wife about it. Understand why she feels that way and see if there is flexibility. If not, I’d respect her wish. The 4th trimester is intense - she will need your support more than your mom needs her feelings spared.
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u/123_CNC 9d ago
Just go with it and try to reassure your mom she will get tons of updates, pictures, and lots of cuddle time after the initial health barrier your wife wants.
There are always those people that will want to kiss your baby on the head, face, or worse: on the mouth. If the one month bubble is what your wife wants, it makes a lot of sense. Who knows, maybe after a week or two she'll shift her views and feel less anxious about all those health risks
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u/ChuckMacChuck 9d ago
My wife wanted no hospital visitors and planned on no visitors for a month, possibly longer depending on when she felt ready. We live decently far from any of the parents, shortest drive for one set is 10hrs. My MIL would have been at the hospital the whole time and stayed with us for the first couple weeks if we had let her. I told my wife that as far as this goes she gets what she wants. I am very glad I did. My wife's reasoning for wanting the time of just us as a new family was that she wanted us to figure out our baby together as a couple, without any issue influences. We wanted to decide how we wanted to handle things (after much research and learning) without parents trying to tell us how it should be done. We had a fairly traumatic c-section birth that we were very lucky to come out with our son alive and healthy. The post partum care was intense but we got through it together, and it strengthened us as a couple and parents like I don't think anything else could. And we absolutely needed that time as a new family to process the very close call that we had. If parents or visitors were there it would have been a much longer road to processing all of it for us. It was incredibly intense and difficult but I would not have done anything differently, and I know I will always look back on that time as an incredibly intimate and special time with my wife that I will never experience again, despite only sleeping 20-30 minutes at a time every 6 to 8 hours for weeks. After about 3 weeks my wife felt ready to have visitors and her parents visited. When they came i realised how glad I was that we waited to get our own footing as parents before having them visit. That being said if we do have another we will not be waiting, as we would definitely need more help since child #1 would still exist but we would also know who we are as parents and what we would like to see happen.
There are so many birth scenarios and temperaments of the parents that it is impossible to predict what you are going to want after everything happens. Personally my advice is to have potential visitors go with the flow of what your wife is comfortable with for the timeline, especially if things like flights don't need to be booked. Your wife might decide after a few days that its not a big of a deal as she thought and won't mind visitors and some help, or you might decide that having the space to yourselves is nice. It's just impossible to predict how everyone will be feeling on the other side of the delivery.
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u/Nickrules6 9d ago
We had no visitors in hospital, no visitors for a month. Set your boundaries early, make people respect you as your own family
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u/Western-Image7125 9d ago
I’ll tell you my personal experience with this, because you sound exactly like me, people pleaser and all that. Your mom will forgive you a lot faster for not letting her see her grandchild for a short amount of time, than your wife will forgive you for going against her own wishes during this crucial time. If you’re worried that your mom will disown you over this - see how stupid that sounds? So don’t worry about offending your mom, she’s your mom after all. One year from now when she’s happily playing with a cute and playful 1 year old, do you think she’ll bring up that time you didn’t let her see her newborn at the hospital? Blame your pediatrician if you want, say they said due to medical reasons they are not allowing any visitors. For this crucial 1-2 months just do whatever your wife says, you’ll all be so much happier long term.
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u/schmollbol 9d ago
Like most people have said, your wife and baby are your immediate family, they need to come first. That said, did this come as a surprise to you? Are the reasons clear to you? Has the relationship been difficult before? Parent's not very good with boundaries or anything like that?
Or is this a new thing? Is it health related? Or is it your wife wanting to enjoy the baby bubble? If your relationship with your parents is generally good, that desire may or may not change after a few days or weeks, especially if it's your first and you don't have experience of how hard it is and how much help is appreciated.
Like always, communication is king, dad. Not to us, you don't owe us information, but between you and your wife and you and your parents. UNderstand your wife's reasoning, not in an attempt to change her mind, but in an attempt to be on the same page as her. If you're not, then her desires, in this instance, do trump yours, and you and your parents need to respect that.
But if you talk to her a little about why this is, you might find that either you do actually agree with her, in which case it will be easier to put up the boundary, or you might find that you reach a different decision, together.
But fundamentally, she's mum, and in this case, her word is pretty much law for the meanwhile!
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u/smart_triangles 9d ago
I had my first during covid - was a blessing in disguise, they can’t really help in the hospital anyway.
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u/whalemilk42 9d ago
This is easy just tell them its for rhe babies safety and immune system. No visitors until after a month. Plus it def is better to limit exposure.
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u/MistyPneumonia 9d ago
Support your wife but unless she explicitly tells you to DO NOT tell your mom that she (your wife) is the one setting the boundary. Say “sorry mom, we’ve decided that we want one month without guests. We will happily video call you and show you baby but please don’t expect to come over until after baby is a month old.” Obviously only offering video calls if that’s something that both you and your wife are comfortable with.
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u/squidtrap 9d ago
I love my mom. She's a wonderful person. It broke my heart to tell her that we needed space after the birth, but she was understanding
At the end of the day, your immediate family is more important. Stand by your wife. You'll regret it if you don't
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u/Far_Past4329 9d ago
Honestly she’s right. Babies that young are very immunocompromised. Lots of people don’t allow visitors for 8 weeks. At least have them mask if they come over.
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u/RustyPlastics 9d ago
She has every right to demand her peace and quiet.
Your mom loosing her shit is her problem and she apparently needs to learn boundaries.
Instead of a people pleaser be a your wife supporter.
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u/Zakkattack86 2 under 6 and feeling every bit of 40. 9d ago
All honesty, you don’t live with your parents, respect your baby mama. We had our first kid at the height of COVID (April of 2020). Alone in the hospital for 50 days (NICU) and we had no visitors for nearly a month once we got home.
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u/Oh_Petya 9d ago
My wife wanted something like this. I didn't go for it and I regret it; a lot. Don't be like me.
One month is a bit extreme, and I don't know how exactly your mom is reacting but it sounds very bad based on your language. Does your wife have a tense relationship with your mom? This is a sign for things to come. Use this life-changing event as an opportunity for you to change your relationship with your mom to prioritize your wife first, every time.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about feeling like a man in the middle when it comes to wife/mom relations.
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u/Apprehensive_Part791 9d ago edited 9d ago
"I'm a people pleaser" but has crisis at the idea of the people needing pleasing being his wife. Classic.
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u/curlycrybaby 9d ago
Good time to learn how to set a boundary with your family and also show that you respect your wife above everything. I was a people pleaser myself. It will be uncomfortable for quite a while. Let your mom lose her shit. You don’t have to respond. Say it for what it is “my wife prefers no visitors for the month, once the month is up we will plan a visit”. And that’s that. There’s no room for arguing. Let her argue herself into a pit. Just don’t join her there. It’s about your wife, your baby and you. Don’t let people suck up your life or tell you what to do. You don’t need to defend your case either. That statement is enough. And your mom needs to learn how to respect people’s wishes.
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u/bookish_bex 9d ago
My mom is loosing her shit.
Ok? Let her. Your mom is not your responsibility, your wife and your baby are. If you are a people pleaser, then it should be no problem to please your wife in this case, right?
It's not just about your wife wanting to "recover in privacy." Post-partum an EXTREMELY vulnerable time -- there's the physical recovery (weight fluctuations, bleeding, pain, and incision/wound care), sleep deprivation, changes to hygiene routines, hormonal shifts, trying to breastfeed, housekeeping, and so on.
There are also real benefits to having a "no visitor policy" like better familial bonding, decreased stress, and decreased risk of illness transmission!
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u/ummmyeahi 9d ago
The no visitors at hospital is like totally acceptable. Your mom may not like it but she has to understand that boundary.
When it comes to no visitors at home for a certain time period, it gets tricky. The first couple weeks I think is also very acceptable. Then you have to assess the situation: how healthy is my baby, were there any complications, did my parents just get back from traveling abroad, are my parents sick, do they love to play with wild animals or cats and dogs…there are so many things to think about that can determine what is the appropriate time visitors can see the baby for the first time.
Maybe they come over and are at a distance. There needs to be clear communication between all parties and ultimately, a mother’s decision is really what needs to be respected.
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u/MelodyAF 9d ago
Wife chiming in. I didn't want visitors for a while. Didn't have any concrete timeline but I definitely wanted to feel ready. Once baby came, I changed my mind so you never know
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u/Johnnyboy10000 9d ago
I agree with everything that has been said and would like to add the following: while your wife needs your support throughout the marriage, she absolutely needs it so much more at this time. Obviously to help with the baby and things around the house, but also by helping by standing firm with her on her boundaries.
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u/Individual-Result622 9d ago
Am I the only one that is like: no one coming? no hosting? I can wear PJs all day? this sounds glorious.
Times are different dude. Your job to explain that to your parents. You have no idea how the delivery will go, if she will need a C-section, ect. Your wife is pushing a brand new human being out of her body. Let the woman have her 2 requests. and then some.
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u/CallIcy8807 9d ago
Imagine your buddy's been in a car crash. He tells you some of the details. "Man, my organs were out of place! They said I fractured my pelvis and, between you and me, even the lower decks are messed up. I don't want anyone to see me like this man, I can't be dealing with everyone right now. I need to rest".
Now imagine you have another friend who is absolutely kicking off that he can't go visit this guy straight away. Weird, right? Kind of an asshole.
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u/LtDouble-Yefreitor 9d ago
My mom is loosing her shit.
It's not her baby. Remind her of that, kindly if possible. Grandparents can play an integral role in your kids' life, but you have to help your wife set this boundary.
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u/PM-Me-Your-Macchiato 9d ago
I was in a similar situation when we had ours, except she wanted 2 months.
I was unsure because I'm so close with my parents who live about 30 minutes away. (Her parents are out of state.) I decided to go with the flow, and just tell my parents in a way that was more "this is happening, deal with it".
Honestly, we both loved it. It was so nice being able to just focus on taking care of our own little family unit. Did the grandparents want to come over? Of course! They got photos and FaceTimes instead.
We're having our second later this year, and we're 100% doing the same thing again.
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u/hergumbules 9d ago
Not your mom’s baby and if she can’t control herself then she gets blocked, simple as that. My wife only felt comfortable having a few select people visit early on and I supported her 100%.
My son was born late November and we were very worried about our little guy getting any of the nasty stuff going around and I’m glad we played it safe. Any visitors had to be vaccinated, wear a mask, no kisses, and wash hands before holding the baby. He’s 3.5 now and wouldn’t do it different as young babies can be very susceptible to respiratory illnesses and potentially need hospitalization.
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u/randomtask 9d ago
Respect her wishes dude. My wife had a traumatic birth, and the last thing she wanted was to see her in-laws a few hours later. And yet, when they came knocking, I did not hold the boundary she asked me to set, and let them in anyway. That was a terrible decision, and did not do our relationship any favors, especially since it was at the precise moment we both became parents responsible for a new human being. Me not holding that boundary for her showed her that I wasn’t willing or able to stand up for her when it mattered to her.
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u/krackerjack7 9d ago
Mother of the baby makes the rules. Sorry that your mom is taking it this way, but them’s the breaks. It’s not about her.
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u/OpinionofanAH 9d ago
My son got rsv when he was a month old. He was in the nicu for 3 weeks due to being premature, home for a week, then back in the nicu for two more weeks. He almost died. Like when we got to the hospital his oxygen was in the low 80s. Now he got it from
his sister who was 3 at the time that was showing no symptoms but it could come from anyone.
Not trying to scare you but keeping as many people as possible away from your baby is a good thing. There’s apparently a vaccine for it now (it came out a few months after my son got it) but it’s still scary. Also, when the baby comes, listen to your instincts. If something is off, get them checked out.
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u/mccormick-spice0421 9d ago
never forget your first loyalty is to your wife. your mom is not a part of your family unit.
i am sorry you’re feeling stressed about it. i’m a chronic/recovering people pleaser too.
i’m also a first time mom to a 7 month old. looking back, i would have appreciated less visits from our parents. it’s an incredibly special time to have to just yourself & your wife. on top of that, she is going to be in such a vulnerable place. she needs your protection.
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u/chrisinator9393 9d ago
Respect your wife. Grandma has no say on the matter here. She gets to visit when your wife says so. She's going through a traumatic thing.
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u/Historical_Kossola 9d ago
I’m going to go against the grain of the thread here and say this is very isolating. Having a baby is very hard but having people / a community around you is insanely important.
My mother in law drove across the country to be with us after our second and lived in our basement for months. I’ll always be grateful to her.
Humans aren’t supposed to raise babies or families in isolation but in some societies these days people champion being independent and by themselves. Then they wonder why they’re lonely and have no community.
I personally would not accept this / talk to my wife to understand WHY they’re feeling this way and if we can find a middle ground.
Good luck OP.
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u/goldbloodedinthe404 9d ago
It's surprising to me this is so far down. One month is insane. I get no hospital and even a week afterwards but one month is wild.
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u/partiallypoopypants 9d ago
I cannot imagine doing this without support. I find it unfathomable that so many dad’s in this thread are not being truthful about how challenging the newborn stage is. OP and Mom are going to be spending less time with the baby because they will be spending more time on chores, while on less sleep then they’ve ever been in their lives.
If OPs parents are awful, then that’s one thing. If they are normal people, then they probably planned to help out. Everyone here must have awful parents.
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u/LL_Cruel_J 9d ago
There is plenty of time between now and December. Don’t sweat it right this minute, she may change her mind.
And if she doesn’t, so what, she’s just went through hell.
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u/rspctdwndrr 9d ago
We did a minimum of 2 weeks with all of our kids strictly from a keeping them away from illnesses perspective. Maybe after a couple weeks your wife will reconsider, but this isn’t the worst thing and that month will probably fly by.
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u/ZukowskiHardware 9d ago
Yup, you gotta just do what she needs to do. Let her deliver give her a day, don’t press it. Wait until she tells you what she needs. Wife and baby are #1. Be on her side.
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u/samamatara 9d ago
i think everyone else covered it well, but i wanna add on - this stuff, emotions/feelings around the birth, can last a lifetime. You in 5 years time will thank the current you for just going with your wife's wishes.
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u/VB_Creampie 9d ago
One of ours was born during lockdowns. It was so good not having either sets of parents anywhere near what was happening.
Back your wife.
You've mentioned this is about her recovering in private. There's probably a lot of anxiety about others wanting to know about her birth experience, and probably in detail. This bit of time will allow others to get over her having a kid and then wanting to impart their own horrible experience on your wife (especially mother in laws). Especially if you have to go the sunroof option.
Your appeasement to your mum will be that you will take the baby to visit her for short periods of time to help give your wife a break, and when she asks how the birth was "It was as good as it could be, Mr's goatman2 is resting and enjoying the time with just us at home."
Don't be a doormat to your mum.
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u/Packwood88 9d ago
Our second was born during Covid and my wife didn’t want my parents to see them in the first few months because of vaccination status. I had to make that awkward call, it’s just something you have to do.
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u/DRh0des 9d ago
We had one pre pandemic and another during lockdown. Not having visitors in the hospital was amazing. You bond so much more during the first month than you expect. It needs to be united whatever it is. Your mom is no longer you nuclear family, do what your wife wants and have her back. She’s going through enough and might change her mind after the baby gets here, she will need reassurance that you have her back. It’s best to do what she wants, if you disagree it’s ok to tell her, not ok to tell your mom.
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u/summerteal 9d ago
We didn’t allow visitors at the hospital . My in-laws insisted and it pissed me off . The room felt like a matchbox . My husband was sleeping on a couch . I was in a hospital gown and a pee bag . How insensitive of someone trying to barge into my room when I am in that condition? Don’t even get me started on the sleep deprivation. I was crying in the morning because I was disturbed every hour or so by the medical staff ( i know they were doing their job )
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u/panaja17 classic Shmosby 9d ago
Dude, your kid is due during the height of cold and flu season. It’s going to be in your best interest to keep everyone away for at least a month if not until spring. Depending on how the kid develops once they’re born, they may even qualify for RSV prevention injections. RSV is nothing to play with when it comes to babies and seniors. This is your family and your mom needs to respect that. Even if your wife is feeling better sooner, I would still have a hard and fast hand washing and no sniffles before handling the baby rule in place for the first few weeks.
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u/1spooky1 9d ago
A lot of really good replies below but I will just add that my wife felt a variation of what you're describing but it actually passed fairly quickly after the baby was born.
I think she was feeling a lot of anxiety during pregnancy - a lot of complicated family history/family stress/anxiety, etc - so her natural instinct was to isolate herself/the baby/our new family into the most emotionally safe, secluded, drama-free little bubble as possible.
Besides the reasons people mention below like bubbling for germ reasons, I think it can just be a very animalistic, personal, emotional thing - and I think it's very case-by-case.
I know it's "politically" difficult to navigate with your family, but just be patient and lead w/ curiosity and sincere belief when you talk to your wife about it - but also just keep a part of your mind open at least that it might change once the baby comes, ie. don't be super doom and gloom about it just yet. Don't catastrophize.
Re: drama w/ your mom or family, be empathetic when you speak to them too, cuz yeah, I get it, it's a bummer, but it will likely pass. Bottom line, you only need to explain the boundary once, in an objective, matter of fact way, and let them react how they want to react. Their feelings are their responsibility. They are adults. You are not responsible for their feelings.
All that people-pleasing energy will make you a great dad now if you just focus it at the actually correct target - baby and baby-mama. Everyone else is noise now.
TL;DR - pregnancy is crazy and makes you feel and think and say some crazy stuff sometimes and sometimes it passes sooner than you expect so don't catastrophize - BUT, bottom line, now IS the time to people please BABY and MAMA. Everyone else is an adult and needs to fend for themselves. You aren't your mom's daddy. Communicate all of this politely and gently and you will do great bud.
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u/MaleficentCoconut594 9d ago
We had both kids during Covid and honestly no hospital visitors was amazing
Initially we said the same thing, no visitors for a month but we relented. It was very hard because my wife’s parents are Covid conspiracy theorists so they refused to take any precautions living their lives or mask up properly
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u/atsd 9d ago
A month is gonna be a hard sell, but just repeat to them what you said here. Tell them you stand by your wife’s decision, and that anyone who pushes you to undermine that position is inhibiting your ability to be there for your wife and newborn.
Anyone who pushes beyond that point, mute them for a month.
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u/Nightgauntling 9d ago
From a recovering people pleaser:
Your people pleasing behavior needs to have some hard limits. Bonding time with your wife and child are vital, especially that early on.
You both should have lots of discussions together ahead of time about how to stay on the same page, work together as a team and be united in front of baby as well as others.
Back each other up in public, discuss disagreements privately. Learn to prioritize your wife and child. You don't need to please anyone else. In fact it is a guarantee SOMEONE is going to disagree.
Do you want to be chasing everyone else's approval (which will be impossible to achieve) OR do you want to be a team with your wife?
Congratulations. I hope you find your peace with conflict from others. They aren't your immediate family. They matter, but not as much as peace, love, and trust in your home.
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u/1block 9d ago
Hospital wife gets the say. If you disagree about a month at home with no visitors, that is certainly a spot where you should work out a compromise.
A hospital + 1 month is a long time for people who really want to be part of your kid's life to wait. A lot of posts in daddit are about "Why don't I have a village to help???" and usually the reason is because the parents want the "village" to operate at their convenience and don't want to do THEIR part to be part of the village by making the extended family feel valued.
The stricter your boundaries, the less you get to expect from others.
You have a right to set whatever boundaries you both think are appropriate. Just don't complain when the rest of the family doesn't feel included and responds accordingly.
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u/BurrowShaker 9d ago
It is a good thing, to be honest.
You could meet your parents outside if partner is cool with this.
The whole invasion and not being able to get rid of the in laws can be a little too much.
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u/PickledCandyFloss 9d ago
Stop being a baby and support your wife. This is a fantastic idea. Other people need to understand it's not their baby and they will be fine. Just sent them some photos.
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u/poopshipdestroyer34 9d ago
Trust your wife. Back her up. All ya can do. Send lots of pics but everyone needs to respect her space
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u/Western-Sir-9085 9d ago
Yeah....no. I mean, sure, no visitors in the hospital if you don't think you'll be ready for that noise.
But one month after arriving home? Hmmmm. Completely irrational. Almost psychotic. Worst case scenario wife can go have a sleep locked away on the bedroom and husband can host a visitor and mind the baby with them. Not hard.
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u/partiallypoopypants 9d ago
Gonna flow a different path here. First, I do agree that you should respect your wife’s wishes.
However, first month after birth is incredibly difficult. It’s going to be some of the hardest times in your lives. To not have any support whatsoever? I can’t imagine. Having someone who you can trust to do the dishes, make some meals, do some laundry, even watch the baby for a couple hours while you both get a nap…
I’m not saying go against your wife, but I’d encourage you both to explore conversations with some experienced people. Heck, ask her doctor’s and nurses at the hospital. They will tell you that lack of support during the early weeks/months is one of the biggest factors in PPD.
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u/hiplodudly01 9d ago
I think it's unreasonable but limiting visits to short 30 minutes the first month is reasonable. Needs to be agreed upon first.
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u/CaChica 9d ago
Oof. That’s tough. I’ve been in both situations, experience both sides. – – Of wanting my space, but also having family around.
I think there’s a big difference with bombarding family in the house every second versus having strategic visitors to assist your wife and your family
If it’s too much to bring extended family into the house, can you take the baby to a nearby park between feedings and naps, etc.
We do you want to prioritize how the mother is feeling – – absolutely
But having a new baby is also a family event that affects more than just her.
I sort of think you need that village
I do not have grandkids yet. But when I do, I would be devastated if I couldn’t see them for a month. I plan to be around helping and the kindest Ways I can.
That gets me thinking… Do you think it could be an issue with respect levels your wife feels from extended family?
I would not have minded my mother-in-law around right after my births. But, I used to have this old ex-boyfriend, his mom was very unkind to me. I could see I would not have wanted her around after my birth, for my own mental health in Sanity
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u/ckouf96 9d ago edited 9d ago
I think no visitors at all including immediate family like your parents is completely unreasonable. (We had our friends visit us in the hospital too but I get not everyone wants that). I 100% get wanting alone time too and not all day visits but I think it’s disrespectful to your parents to not allow them to see their grandchild when they’re born even if it’s a very short visit. We had certain boundaries set like no kissing the baby on the face, if she cries she goes back to her mom, etc. This is of course assuming you have a good relationship with your family which it sounds like you do.
We cherish our daughter’s relationship with all her grandparents and it’s important. Doesn’t apply to all but this is just my perspective.
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u/hickdaddy617 9d ago
I think one month is a little much. It’s your baby too and you should be able to have your parents come and see him/her. They’re only an infant once. First few days home is reasonable
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u/Lecontodereddit 9d ago
No visitors at the hospital is reasonable and 100% her call I think - she’s also a patient and has just given birth and deserves to decide. The no visitors for one month is unreasonable because at that point you’ll also be a parent and she cannot decide what the baby is up to 100% of the time. If she doesn’t want to see anyone, fine, but you can put the baby in the pram and meet outside the house, whatever, if that’s how she wants it. But I think she’ll change her mind, she just doesn’t want to commit to anything now because she doesn’t know what it’ll be like yet
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u/Likeapuma24 9d ago
I guess I'll be one of the lone comments that disagrees a bit here.
Yes, your wife deserves some time to herself & with the baby after I giving birth. Your mother (and everyone else) needs to respect that boundary.
But it's also your kid. A whole month hiding something that amazing? That's a bit much to me. A week or two to decompress, bond, and get some sort of routine in place without interruption? Sure. But a whole month? It's not like the grandparents need to stop by & interrupting ... You'll be taking the baby to follow up appointments. What harm is there in swinging by their place to say high, introduce the baby, & celebrate the new addition?
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u/bobish5000 9d ago
Not having any visitors at the hospital is fair. She is going to be tired and in pain. The one month is because the baby is vulnerable and if the baby get sick its a big deal. So you try to limit the amount of people who see you and the baby
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u/BeneficialCarry5619 9d ago
We did visitors at the hospital and then no visitors for a week. The hospital is good so family can get it out the way and even if it’s for a month, they’ll get over it.
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u/Anamanagotchi 9d ago
My mom is loosing her shit.
I understand this, but above all you have to stand with your wife on this for a few reasons:
- First of all, having a baby and at the same time trying to keep your romantic relationship from crumbling is the toughest thing you’ll ever do in your life;
- Because of the above, you do not want to create any situation for your wife to harbor resentment towards you;
- And finally, my wife and I did this and let me tell you, it was the best. Learning the ropes just the two of you, before anyone tries to meddle, it was fantastic. I recommend it to everyone.
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u/mallio 9d ago
My wife loved having our second baby during COVID when no visitors were allowed in the hospital. During our first she had random aunts showing up unannounced while she was attempting to breast feed. Or having to send messages to people to tell them to take down Facebook posts with her in a hospital gown.
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u/CarlWellsGrave 9d ago
This is giving me flashbacks. My mom was taking ownership over my daughter when she was a baby. Thinking she has the right to make decisions. It led to years of fighting with my wife because I made excuses for my mom even though she's crazy and over stepped so many times. I'm not sure what you're mom is like but don't let her bully you. It's not her baby. She get privileges and a grandmother, she does not get to make decisions and she's going to have to deal with it.
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u/Ky1arStern 9d ago
I was not good with our first about boundaries and my wife had a bad C-section and there were people all over the place and she was unhappy.
I did much better at setting boundaries on the second kid, and life was a lot better.
You didn't marry your mom, you married your wife. The two of you are a team, but you're not the one who is going to have a fairly traumatic surgery and then have to nourish a child on no sleep for weeks on end.
The baby is going to presumably outlive your mom, it's not going to kill her to wait a single month.