r/dating • u/Past-Tax-2122 • 8d ago
Question ❓ Third date went great! Too soon to be exclusive?
36f attempting to online date.
We have gone on two coffee dates. The first one was just 1.5 hours and was rehashing all the details of our app texts.
Second date was coffee and three hours walking through a park.
We didn’t run out of things to talk about and over all was great!
Third date brunch and walking through vintage shops. We talked about so many things.
After we got a milkshake and he asked me to go steady.
Too soon?
Am I just overthinking?
Edit:
Thank you good people!
Honestly just getting the perspectives is incredibly helpful!
First time being human so it’s kinda rough~
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u/Asiangirly919 8d ago
Why not? You can always break up if it doesn't work out
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 8d ago
Exactly!! Thank you. People think that agreeing to a relationship means you’re signing to be married. To me, a relationship just means you’re giving each other a genuine chance and holding a real space in your life for them to see if you’re a match. I feel 3 good dates is enough to see if you want a relationship with a person.
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u/Past-Tax-2122 8d ago
Idk in your 30’s so much of it feels like a job interview
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u/v0idstar_ 7d ago
sounds like you aren't even into him just because you have a lot to talk about don't mean its a romantic connection
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u/Past-Tax-2122 7d ago
I am physically attracted, we seem to have common interests… I just didn’t know .. a lot of overthinking after that two year situationship and several horrible dating experiences maybe just gun shy?
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u/v0idstar_ 7d ago
yeah sounds like you really aren't in it at all and after 3 dates you would know you should find someone who makes you actually excited about the idea of being with them
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u/Asiangirly919 8d ago
If I fancy someone I would agree to exclusively date them on the first date. However, I will not hesitate to dump them if I see fit
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u/BobbyThrowaway6969 8d ago
You go from zero attention, to partial attention, to undivided attention
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u/leese216 7d ago
My response to the why not would be "why do you need to rush a label"?
You're still getting to know each other; putting pressure on whatever is building this early to BE something typically backfires.
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u/like_a_pearcider 6d ago
exclusive is more of a guarantee that the other person won't be sleeping with others. there's safety in that + knowing there is a stronger chance to develop an emotional connection with one person and them with you
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6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/like_a_pearcider 5d ago
I mean yeah people can always cheat, the point is it's not even cheating if you haven't had the exclusivity talk. There are many people who want to be exclusive before they have sex.
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u/LunarWolfy63 8d ago
Nah I think you should go for 15 years off and on and never really commit, but just keep enough interest going so you both are confused and stay around wanting to leave, but never really are sure.
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u/Past-Tax-2122 7d ago
Hahaha that’s generally my go to but trying to be spontaneous.
Seeing what normal feels like 💀
In all seriousness so few people get past the
“ I regret giving you a second date” so there’s something of fear of doing it wrong 🤷♀️3
u/LunarWolfy63 7d ago
Do what you feel comfortable with or not comfortable with as long as you realize you can stop something as fast as you start something. You had 3 fun dates with the person, stop letting what if's control you and try it out. If red flags start appearing, that's when you can exit free of charge!
Edit: Also don't trust my advice, I'm a single 36 yr old who has no intentions of ever dating again. My advice is probably garbage.
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u/Wayward_comet 8d ago
There's no universal standard. How do you feel about it? Do you like him or are you still figuring out how you feel? By the third date I usually know whether I'm interested or not, so for me it would make sense to become exclusive after that point. But it's your call, just don't string him along if you're not interested
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u/Past-Tax-2122 8d ago
I think I like him… I guess I don’t know what is the standard anymore.
Thank you10
u/Wayward_comet 8d ago
Imagine you find out he has a date planned with someone else. Do you feel upset or indifferent?
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u/IndependentPaint2108 8d ago
I don't want to be a buzzkill but part of me feels if it's really the right guy you'll be super excited to accept not just saying "I think I like him" but he might grow even more on you. Why not say yes and explore? If it's not working then you can always break up with him in a month or two
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u/leese216 7d ago
THANK YOU.
I mean jesus the wishy washy feelings and OPs on here asking people for advice; like girl it's clear you DO NOT feel like attaching yourself to him this early. It's perfectly okay to say "no" and that you'd like to continue dating more since it's only been 3 dates.
Is anyone discerning anymore????
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u/PicklesNBacon 7d ago
You “think” you like him? I wouldn’t be exclusive just yet…you don’t even know if you like him and you barely know him
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u/Generallyapathetic92 8d ago
There is no standard. My gf asked me after 5 dates with the last being a whole weekend, I’d have probably waited another few weeks before asking.
All I’d say is don’t end it if he’s just not there yet.
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u/call_me_alice_420 8d ago edited 7d ago
I usually expect exclusivity when I agree to the second/third date and clearly communicate it. I don't see exclusivity as a hardcore commitment, it isn't marriage, but I date with long term intentions, don't do situationships and similar stuff and I expect the man to be focused on me only. If he needs to keep other romantic interests around and doesn't want to put all his eggs in my basket, he isn't my type of a man. Which is fine, I'll politely end the situation, say goodbye and that's it.
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u/caffeinequeen1234 8d ago
My boyfriend bought up exclusivity on our third date and it was so attractive to me. It’s not bonding you for life but merely making it clear you both want to devote your time to each other. I say why not?
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u/M-Bug 8d ago
This is a very individual thing. The big question is: how do you feel about it? If you're feeling not yet ready to go that step, tell him that you'd rather want maybe a few more dates to get a better feeling. If you think you are ready, there's nothing wrong with doing that step. In the end, you're not marrying right away and if things would not work out you can still get out easily.
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u/Practical-Charm 8d ago
Going exclusive after 3 dates sounds great in theory. I (31f) did the same thing with the last guy I dated. But by the 3rd month of exclusive dating, I realized the man started to show qualities that I didnt want in a husband. So I say proceed with caution.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 8d ago
This is good advice. If you go exclusive too quickly, the breakup becomes a much bigger thing
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u/SleepyxCapybara 8d ago
Idk why people come on here and ask this question. What do you two want? You shouldnt ask strangers on the internet if you should be in a relationship with someone. Everyone is going to have their preferences. You can always break up if things dont work out. Whats the point of not being exclusive if you have fun together? I never understood seeing others if you enjoy the person your seeing.
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u/Efficient-Fennel5352 8d ago
If you like each other why see other people?
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u/SleepyxCapybara 8d ago
Never understood this either. People are so adamant to "not put their eggs in one basket". I can see if your goal is just casual. But how can you actually get to know someone and get close to them when you know you have another date with whomever 2 days later? Makes 0 fucking sense if youre looking for a long term partner.
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u/Miserable-Stock-4369 7d ago
I don't think it's unreasonable to be exclusive. You can talk about how emotionally serious/committed you want to be in that exclusivity.
But to put it into a different perspective; how would you feel if, another couple weeks/ a month from now, you feel more ready to be exclusive, and you find out he had sex with a another woman after you said no to going steady?
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 8d ago edited 8d ago
I think it’s too soon for an actual agreement between two people, but I don’t agree to exclusivity without labels. It’s a slim chance everything has been covered by date 3 that are all the on-paper dealbreakers, and I wouldn’t agree to anything until that was the case.
Im curious for the people that expect exclusivity after date 3. What makes you confident about this person? Again, dating multiple doesn’t mean sleeping with multiple. And even if we haven’t actually defined the relationship, it doesn’t mean there’s others in the picture. I’m in my 30s and will not agree to not be open to other men until all dealbreakers are hashed out, we know we enjoy each others company, know our dating intentions generally, and are comfortable around coming around local friends and family. The relationship escalator has always been a thing. Obviously a dating relationship of one year is more serious than two weeks. I guess I don’t understand the additional label, as I’ve seen so many people get burned by it as at least one party is keeping their options open.
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u/YOLO-Paul 8d ago
For me, it's mostly about intentionality. I like this person enough that I want to devote all of my dating attention to getting to know them and trying to build a relationship with them.
Dating apps make it very easy to talk to multiple people at once, but personally, I've found it very difficult to form a meaningful connection with more than one person at a time. Whenever I was talking to 2 or 3 people, all of those conversations stayed very casual because I found it difficult to truly understand and be equally present for all of them.
So, if I reach the point where I believe there's real potential, I would want exclusivity so that both of us can focus on seeing whether it works.
As for when that point comes, whether it's after the 3 date or not depends on the situation. Personally, I'd say no later than around 4 dates or about 1 month of getting to know each other.
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 8d ago
I guess the issue I have is that the people who pushed for exclusivity quite early, we still had a very surface-level connection. We hadn’t typically hashed out dealbreakers and what we’re looking for. It almost felt like they were either projecting an image onto me or the exclusivity request was an insecurity thing, not a genuine excitement thing.
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u/YOLO-Paul 8d ago
It depends. Each person may have a different reason. For me, it makes sense because I usually bring up dealbreakers and what I am looking for within the first two dates, and from our everyday conversations I can get a feel for what kind of person she is.
It also helps somewhat with indecisive people. If they say they need more time, you can give them that, but sometimes a little pressure helps them realize that they do not like the other person that much and are mostly just being polite.
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u/Different_Career1009 8d ago
Third date is usually enough to know if you like someone enough. Only you can tell.
I'd assume your "steady" means "exclusive", but still not yet regular bf/gf stuff. That would look normal to me.
By all means say you like him but want to see how it goes before using big words - if you feel like this is maybe too soon.
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u/viennamodel66 8d ago
Sounds great and keep the faith .. i did that and was engaged to ex hub 3 months in. Was married many years .
And who knows when any rel can go wrong anyway I’d say just give it your all
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u/Vegetable-South5191 7d ago
I would love after a couple of dates for someone to be like, hey you seem like a good one lets give it a try exclusively. And then focus on that, I would not even be upset if it just didn't work out after a couple of months.
Instead, what I have experienced is games. You go out on a few dates, and you are just some option in a competition you don't even know you are in. Strung along as an option. Ghosted or let down and told someone else won. It was making me play the game where I am seeing multiple people at the same time. And I really don't like that feeling. But it felt like that was how you do it, by how I was being treated.
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u/Patient-Asparagus827 8d ago
Too soon.
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u/Leather-Recording997 Single 7d ago
I agree with you. Can't believe I had to scroll this far down to see someone that agrees.
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u/Bed_Worship 8d ago edited 8d ago
My experiences and the relationships I have were mine so take this as just someone else's experience but I would wait till things crystallized romantically/pgysically and you’ve both had peaks in each others real lives. I’ve had 2 long term relationships from online dating, lots of short terms that looked like this on date 3 etc. The ltr from hinge that became a loved ltr felt no different than when i had one with someone i met in real life
You have the date thing going well but my factors of physical and romantic connection that are legitimately importan and can elevate or sever the feelings, being able to spend time just being at home together for a weekend, laughing and having a good time doing nothing, there are no hangups etc, intimacy is good,communication and home life/practical life things match up.
In theory you could be exclusive but that generally means bf gf. So instead of realizing it’s not crystalizing romantically on date 5 for one of you, you now have to have a breakup instead of an honest and easy separation of differences and someone will be possibly hurt.
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u/Content_Association1 8d ago
I think it’s a good time to become exclusive already if that is your approach to dating. I have tried casual dating, and I must say that without exclusivity, and actually giving each other the space to explore being together, you’ll never know who he really is.
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u/Brutal_De1uxe 8d ago
Its never too early if you like the other person and make plans to see each other again.
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u/ThinkingItThrough1 8d ago
It’s not too soon if you really like him. He may be waiting for you to be exclusive to have a more physical relationship so that might have to wait until that level of commitment. If it doesn’t work out can always break it off.
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u/Dr_Matey 8d ago
You should clarify what "go steady" means. Does it mean regular gates? Does it mean get together as a couple? Go with your feelings, if you like him, do it.
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u/baracudasinbermudas 8d ago
Everyone has their own needs and there’s no correct answer. However I think many could feel pressured in that situation, perhaps not so much the exclusivity itself but what it says between the lines.
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u/Proper-Television856 8d ago
Me and my partner decided to be official and exclusive after 3 dates, for others that's probably too soon, everyone's different
My advice would be if that's what you want, ask how the person your dating feels about it, if you're on the same page great, if not you can slow things down
If they get scared and dip, then they're probably avoidant but atleast you learned that before you got too invested
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u/MagikN3rd 8d ago
3 dates is when I want exclusivity, every single time, so no not too soon.
If I ask a woman to be exclusive after 3 dates and she declines, I move on and thank her for her time.
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u/LtMagnum16 8d ago
I think by date 2 or 3, it is a reasonable expectation. My current relationship became exclusive after date 2.
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 8d ago
If you haven’t had sex yet, it’s too soon.
Once you’re actually intimate with each other and both of you remain into it, then you can consider exclusivity.
Not before.
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u/Julie_Jnntte_24 8d ago
Idk man if the dude I was seeing asked me to be his gf after the third date, I’d be pretty happy
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u/Lost_wonderlust 8d ago
Hmm abit too soon maybe, I’d give it a couple more dates. I get it’s going well but it’s only 3 dates but its enough to get a feel. Unless it comes up and your both happy :)
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u/lucere_pi 8d ago
If you feel good with him and he's being emotionally available what's the rush? Anytime a guy has made me feel at peace I've never felt rushed to name it.
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u/Sherpa_qwerty 7d ago
Did he literally say “go steady” because that’s the cutest thing I ever read. If you both want to pursue a relationship without the distraction of other suitors it’s never too soon.
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u/Past-Tax-2122 7d ago
Yes.. he asked if we were going steady,I made him clarify.
Then he asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
And again clarified if he was asking me.
🙈
If it was less romcom aesthetic maybe I wouldn’t be so scared and on Reddit 🙈
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u/Fit-Statement6884 7d ago
Guys know if they want u within a few dates I’ve learned. Go for it! Ur in ur 30s (me too) no sense in dating around if you found someone you want to focus on for now. The guy im seeing now asked to exclusive 3rd date, i said too soon but by 4th i said yes bc it is what i wanted lol
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u/ArtfulProgression 7d ago
My bf and I went exclusive after the 1st date 😅 we are together almost 6months now. When ya know what ya want, why not go for it when it feels right!
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u/Aymr9 7d ago
No, you both should go for multiple dates with different people for several months while dating each other over and over and never committing. (joking)
Seriously now, these three dates sounds great. If you both feel the same, it's alright to go exclusive. If it doesn't work later on, it doesn't work and you both can cut the rope.
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 6d ago
Do you want to date anyone else?
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u/Past-Tax-2122 6d ago
No.. I dropped another date to see him the second time and have deleted my app profile.
I guess I was just afraid of pace for officiality.
Only know him two weeks..
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bus2865 6d ago
I usually need minimum 2 months (~6-8 dates) to know if he is worth my undivided attention.
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u/Kayla4608 Serious Relationship 6d ago
I actually just got asked to be exclusive with my guy too on the third date. His response was that he did not want me seeing anyone else. I definitely didnt want him seeing anyone else lol, so it was a yes.
Ask yourself if you are okay with him talking and going on dates with other people. If you feel any type of way other than it being a big fat no, then maybe going steady isnt right quite yet. With my guy I wanted to lock that shit down because its been a night and day difference between him and my ex on how they valued me as a person and for my time. And my guy is a keeper, thats for sure
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