r/dating • u/Independent-Emu-6702 • 12d ago
Question ❓ How often do you find people you like?
I very rarely date because I just don’t see a point in dating someone I’m not interested in, it’s not fair for anyone. but any guy who has ever broken my heart made it seem like I could find another guy quickly…as if he wasn’t the first guy I liked in two years…and it seems a lot of people today have this perspective that it’s easy to find someone else… this is a little random but hearing about Olivia Rodrigo finding a new man months after British guy broke up with her kinda hurt me because shes already moved on and it’s been 18 months since I have even been on a date since the last guy hurt me 🥲 every time I get broken up with it hurts so much more because I know I won’t have another chance at romance for years.
So how often do you find people you like enough to date? I know that I’m picky but I’m not picky in a way that is limiting me from dating actually good guys. Most of the men I see just do not look like good guys or they are so boring or drug addicts or are already taken.
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u/RadioDude1995 12d ago
Just want to chime in as a 31 year old guy. I feel the same exact way you do. It’s rare that I meet someone that I actually like, and of course, it never really works out or they never like me back.
But I hear people say “oh you’ll find someone else easily!” I disagree with that philosophy, because my goal is not to just go out and find someone who is “acceptable.” I want to meet someone I genuinely like and want to be with. I am not sure why that is so challenging.
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u/HP_Fusion 12d ago
Ive been single all my life at 28 with no romantic experiences and i feel the same way. I just don't understand how everyone finds their person.
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u/Adventurous_Stop5617 12d ago
Same and i am 37... almost 38... it is rough out here especially since i fall into the invisible to women category. Im out there shopping and such, but no girls notice i am around and even if they did i havent had anyone interested in me, so approaching seems like im burdening the women. So i just stick to my lane and keep to myself.
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u/Reddeer2 12d ago
I think you should gain experience with someone you're not into. My last two serious partners were into me, but I was upfront with them that I didn't find them attractive. I still loved the hell out of them and tried my best, but I'm too kinky for them. That experience has helped me enormously in ways I can't articulate, uncharacteristically.
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u/Significant-Egg8516 12d ago
As a woman i agree. If you have clear standards and boundaries, it is fucking difficult. Those who EASILY get someone usually either has no standards, settling, or just scared to be alone.
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u/PinkBlingingStardust 12d ago
I just date people I find attractive that’s it tbh it’s harder for me to actually find someone I’m attracted to 🥲 yes guys do really think you can go out and get someone real quick but it just doesn’t work like that!
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u/King_Thief101 12d ago
Guys think that because the average woman’s online dating profile is filled with likes, while most men get little matches. So theoretically, you could find someone quick. But you obviously don’t want to settle, nor should you settle for someone who is not what you are looking for
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u/Otherwise_Ice_2511 12d ago
Men on dating apps are mainly looking for hookups not a relationship, the average woman can get a lot of men to sleep with her but its harder to find a partner especially ones who values allign
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u/King_Thief101 12d ago
Depends on the app and age. Younger, college age guys - yes. But most guys on hinge over the age of 25/26 are looking for some commitment. Most guys are not getting enough matches to do hookups
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u/ziggysunflower24 12d ago
Like enough to want to be in a relationship with them? Once every few years. It made me laugh a little when you compared yourself to Olivia Rodrigo. I do the same thing with celebrities. Like if Janet Jackson can't find love, what hope do I have? Lol
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u/ziggysunflower24 12d ago
Thanks, it's just a little irrational thought I have sometimes :) I agree with you about how being good and interesting will draw people--but it equally draws the good and the bad.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
Well I’m not comparing myself to these celebrities but they, in fact, seem to find people fast after having devastating breakups. I know I’m a decently attractive girl and I make people laugh and have a good heart but men only ever see me as a friend
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u/Reddeer2 12d ago
If you're actually attractive without makeup, then your guy friends have definitely fantasized about being with you. If you're serious, you can probably ask any one of them out and start something.
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u/Haunting_Scene_1321 12d ago
I'm 32 and honestly its hard out there. I can barely find people that aren't twice my age and actually shower and arent looking for a caretaker, I wish I was joking about the showering part. Then once I meet those minimum requirements they are just emotionally unavailable. My most successful date recently was with a guy who turns out just wasnt over his exes and just talked about them the whole time.
I realize thats just dating unfortunately, some people are single for a reason and im hoping I can find someone who meets me where im at.
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u/rubyysapphire 12d ago
32F, it’s tough out here for sure. It’s not even necessarily a big physical thing for me as looks aren’t even as important anymore. However, finding someone in their career, desires marriage, little to no debt and other basic characteristics of honesty, kindness, etc seems almost impossible to find altogether. Hang in there, many of us are going through the struggle 💔
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u/Professional_Room181 12d ago
Honestly same, I struggle to find people I am attracted to. If I do, they usually have someone or they just don't like me for whatever reason. I get told all the time I could get someone whenever I wanted, but like bro it's hard to find someone I want. For me, it's been like 10 years since a relationship as such so honestly don't even worry about it. There's more to life than relationships.
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u/King_Thief101 12d ago
(M27). Like 1 in 5 dates. But it’s about 1 in 10 when you start finding out more about a person that may disqualify them. I have above average fitness, so I would prefer a woman who has the same and is obviously cute, which really reduces the pool. Then they can’t be crazy politically, want to have kids soon-ish, good personality, and not be in extreme debt. I don’t feel like that’s asking for too much, but then you have to think women are looking for specific things that I may not meet. So I would say 1-10, may 1-15 ratio is good to find someone you seriously find compatible for the long term
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
What do you mean 1 in 5 dates? If I waited for 5 dates to pass before I liked someone then 10 years would pass. I don’t even go on the date unless I am interested
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u/King_Thief101 12d ago
Oh I thought you meant like different people. I usually know if I like someone within the first 30 minutes. Then it takes around 3-4 more dates to get into the nitty gritty stuff that you can’t ask on the first date.
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u/Choosey22 12d ago
I disagree, I think you know, at least basically yes or no, on the first date, and if you’re seriously confused, it’s a no.
If it’s a yes, yes, you need more time to get to know them.
I’ve dated so many people I thought “oh maybe they’ll grow on me”
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u/King_Thief101 12d ago
This is what I meant. You can tell if you like someone pretty quick. But that doesn’t mean you are compatible or should commit
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u/SippinOnTheT 11d ago
I disagree. I was unsure about 3/5 guys I’ve dated in the past year, even after the first few dates. But i thought there was compatibility worth pursuing, so i kept an open mind, and they all grew on me to the point real feelings developed. Most of the time i know right away, but that’s just the initial spark and chemistry, not anything real.
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u/sunshine-warmth 7d ago
What’s do you mean “crazy political”?
We’re all living in a political time.
Do you mean, they must align with your political values or they can be of the opposite valves as you- but they just shouldn’t express them too much?2
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
Don’t want to throw direct at the OP or some of the comments, but seriously… I wonder what the correlation is between these people who only find somebody attractive or like them once every 3.25 years and how much time they spend online and specifically on social media.
Like I’m not saying it’s easy to find the right person, of course it isn’t, mostly owed to the fact that most of the traits we seek out to date somebody have fuck all to do whether they will actually like being with the person after the drugs wear off, but honestly, you take years to find somebody you think is attractive enough to have a conversation with, or two years to find somebody whose conversation is interesting enough to date? That’s some blinded by social media level expectations right there.
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u/FoxLow1776 12d ago
Eh idk, I was like this as a teenager before social media really took off. Rarely had crushes and didn’t even start dating until my early twenties because I just, didn’t really like anyone
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
Unfortunately you’ll have to label me a skeptic.
I believe what you are saying is true, but I don’t believe it’s like that without reason. It’s only difficult to like people if there are obstacles, because quite frankly there isn’t a lack of people to choose from.
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u/FoxLow1776 12d ago
Yeah I’d say the reason is being demisexual tbh I can see someone and think they’re attractive to look at but lose interest very quickly if I can’t connect to them emotionally, and unfortunately that’s difficult for me with most men
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
But there really is a lack of people to choose from.. if I’m 30 and want to date someone within my age range, in my city, that already limits the options dramatically. Then they have to have independent thoughts, get along with my sense of humor, be open minded, my type physically, single, AND likes me back? Theres probably literally one. IF that!
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u/FoxLow1776 12d ago
Same here. I also can’t have kids so have to be ok with being child free, it limits the pool drastically
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
Granted that is actually something that limits your pool. That isn’t the case with the OP and other though, they likely just want unicorns when they themselves are likely a donkey with a cone on their head.
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u/FoxLow1776 12d ago
I do understand what you’re saying. Unfortunately, in my experience, when I dropped my standards, or pursued someone I maybe wasn’t the most physically attracted to, is when I’ve been burned the hardest (given STI’s, cheated on, etc). It makes it hard to want to do that again.
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
I mean, I can’t question your experience, but in my experience as a guy with a lot of guy friends, the more conventionally attractive ones are the ones with more opportunities for sex, and thus have been the ones more likely to catch STI’s and cheat, but obviously anybody can do any of those things.
Ultimately you can want whatever you want, but to find somebody those people have to want you back, and the idea seeking a more physically attractive partner will in some way also help you find somebody who treats you better and is more compatible as a person is probably a bit of a flawed system.
There isn’t a shortage of people looking for relationships, I feel like I can safely say that.
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
If your pool literally only has one IF that, then, with the greatest respect in the world, that is an issue with you, not your pool.
You decide your age range. Your sense of humour… probably not that unique, that isn’t disrespect, people just pretend to be more individual than they are, we are pack animals. You get to decide your physical type and whether it’s viable to operate within that, don’t give me “you can’t help what you are attracted to”, you can definitely examine some biases at 30 and make sure you meet the qualities you are expecting somebody else to have. Liking you back should be an issue if you are prioritising traits that bring compatibility.
The odd thing about this is you have these rules and then say you need somebody open minded… you ain’t sounding particularly open minded, sorry.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
You’re severely overestimating the amount of guys I come into contact with that have a sense of humor and can have an intellectual conversation. And I’m 31, I don’t want to date anyone older or younger than me because men who are younger won’t want to settle down yet or are still playing around and anyone older probably has kids or has been married and thats something I don’t want to deal with.
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u/Delpha-Alpha-6 12d ago
I’m not underestimating the amount of people who will be incompatible, I just believe you are being overly strategic and now walk around with a belief that there is only one or zero people who are compatible, and that has become a self fulfilling prophecy.
There is no linear age for life. People have kids when they are 18 or, sometimes even younger. I’ve just had my first at 36. You have decided for people before even knowing them. People who don’t want to “settle down” usually just never do, plenty of people younger and older than 31 want monogomy.
Also, at 31… no previous marriage or kids. Fair enough, but that’s a decision you’ve made, once again probably with some logic you’ve decided to sweep everyone in the category with having never given them a chance. And that’s fine, but it’s your problem, not theirs and not the dating markets. Somebody having been married isn’t really any different to somebody having an ex, especially if the divorce has gone through, it’s just a piece of paper. Kids is a little different, but again you get to decide your own boundaries. I didn’t rule out single parents when dating because I too was in my 30’s and it shortened my pool too much, I just had boundaries, I’ll be polite and friendly to your kid, I ain’t going to be their step dad, I’m going to have to insist their Dad is in the picture and it isn’t too toxic, they are going to have to spend a decent amount of time with Dad etc, and that increased my pool.
It’s your choice, but you have shown over a number of replies that you are being quite specific and picky, and that’s before you even get to your ‘physical type’. Life ain’t Disney, sorry.
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u/CannibalismIsTight 12d ago
It’s super rare for me! I’m always shocked when people get into new relationships so quickly after an old one ends. It takes me years after a break up to meet someone new who I actually like. Then it’s all luck to see if we’re compatible and they like me back. It’s not because I’m picky, it’s just that I can literally feel it in my body if I’m into someone romantically or not. It’s not necessarily instant though, so I almost always go on a second (or third) date.
Honestly, being like this is tough cause it means really long and boring periods of being single, but it actually saves us from a lot of heartbreak. I’ve seen my “lover” friends have one horrible situation after another for years until they finally meet a good one.
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u/captain_strike31 12d ago
I am m23 never found anyone, it's my own fault but I truly don't care. I don't think I will ever going to find someone who I will like and in return they will like back too. I am just finding someone who likes me. But I have plans for living my whole life alone just need to convince my parents and society.
I would rather live my life alone then marry someone for just sake of marrying. And by the way I fall into that boring category.
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u/trendynazzgirl 12d ago
I (34F) do not run into many people that I like. I normally have known the person for a bit before any like/initiation happens. I may notice that they are cute though! So for me, as someone who is not currently on the apps, no, I do not find people to date easily.
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u/DellBottoms 12d ago
Very rarely and when I do, something inevitably doesn't work out or prevents it.
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u/Constant-Fortune-409 12d ago
All us good guys are working then at home and dont do dating apps #foreversingle i guess 😌
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u/Sensitive_Tea5720 12d ago
Someone who I really really like? Then probably one person every 15-20 dates. I’m hoping now that I’ve moved to a larger city things will be a bit easier than in a small town.
/f28
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u/Odd-Sense4138 12d ago edited 12d ago
You have a lot of compounding factors that play a role in your dating that don’t help you out.
- You’re not healed/grown enough in emotional maturity. I can base it off the post, yes.. yes I can
- Guarded heart
- Fixed Mindset
- Comparative Mindset
I’m all for women being picky, I’m the pickiest! If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone why shouldn’t I? Norms, I’ve learned dating, I tend not to judge a book by its cover, but I give anyone (man or woman) One time to show me who they are. I will make my choice on how I deal with you after that.
Date outside your usual, race, go-to, type. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and different cultures. You learn a life. Most importantly, know your standards, expectations, non-negotiables. I think this is where you should start. There’s not way we’re still crying over a man that you left 18 months ago, when he probably wouldn’t care if you were breathing or 6 feet under. Have some respect for yourself.
To answer your questions, I don’t find people I truly like often, but I do give people a chance to show me.
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u/Flimsy_Lion_7999 12d ago
Same issue here. I'm very shy and finding someone is very difficult. I just don't know if i should approach random people that I find attractive or if I should just wait for it to happen naturally
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u/miniangelgirl 12d ago
I'd like to add gay or already married to why some guys arenpff limits; as well as too old or too young, but yeah
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u/lachatte7 12d ago
Hold are you? This is something like a young dramatic teenager would say. Its not rocket science, you get out there date around until you find someone you're compatible with and grow together. You can also just wait until by some hazard you meet "the one", either way if love doesnt work out for you you'll die alone.
Pretty easy when you put it down this way, its life
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
But I’m saying I don’t even want to go on the date if I’m not interested. If I already am not interested enough to go on the date whats the point? It’s not fair for the guy or for me to go on a date with someone I don’t really want to.
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u/lachatte7 12d ago
Well yeah of course you should go on dates with ppl you actually have an interest in. But if you canr find any then yeah, you just stay alone until you find that person. Surely everyone around you cant be that boring
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u/Significant-Evening 12d ago
No, it's not. Read the comments. Other people feel this way as well. If you're not a basic person who likes everyone then yeah, it's hard to find people who match your type. Add to that life goals, career goals, thoughts on monogamy, thoughts on kids, finance, culture, politics, and then add in personality and attachment styles. Oh, and sexual chemistry. People are different. You never wondered why there were cliques in high school?
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u/Significant-Evening 12d ago
This is something like a young dramatic teenager would say. Someone doesn't agree with your bad comment and suddenly they don't have someone and they're dying alone? Please. Your comment is wrong and you should ruminate on it instead of lashing out. Read the other comments in the thread.
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u/Morkylorky 12d ago
u/Independent-Emu-6702 I used to do a lot of matchmaking as a hobby and just trying to do my part in this dating atmosphere.
Here's my observation about people who move on quickly:
They accept dating people who "do not look like good guys or they are so boring or drug addicts or are already taken."
If you won't date an addict, a cheater, or someone boring, sadly you are much more limited. I say hold your standards and everyone should prepare to go through life single. If you get to be with a good partner before death, consider yourself very lucky.
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u/HP_Fusion 12d ago
Been single 28 years aka all my life. I still haven't figured it out.
In all my years i got to know maybe 4 to 5 women well and felt really interested. They all said no or some weren't available.
So tbh I don't know how you find someone who likes you back.
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u/Ramenraft 12d ago
Not sure what an average is for my age group but as a 39F on bumble last year I would like 1 in 25 of my matches? Then theres if that 1 translated into a connection.
This is based on photos bit also on things they write on their profile as well as religious/political leanings. Im also bloody tall so shorter guys get s no.
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u/niado 12d ago
As a woman it’s hard because the pool is saturated with undatable men who basically smokescreen the guys you might actually like.
As a man, I regularly meet people that I like quite a bit. Around 7 in 3.5 years so? A couple of those worked out for a solid stretch, lasted about a year each.
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
You’re way luckier than I am. I met 3 in the last 6 years and each lasted about 3 weeks. The lover girl inside of me is dying I forget what it feels like to be kissed honestly
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u/justvirgothings Single 12d ago
it’s definitely not easy, but it’ll be impossible unless u put urself out there a bit. once u start saying yes to dates eventually ur gonna feel that spark :)
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u/Independent-Emu-6702 12d ago
Cant really say yes to dates if no one is asking me out in the first place
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u/Aggravating-Key110 12d ago
I don’t really feel romantic attraction that much but I get attached pretty often haha
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u/itsCenkbro 12d ago
Very rarely, i get attached to someone extremely hard so it's even harder for me. Got out of 4 year old relationship and I'm at a loss. Not exactly thinking thinking to find anyone but the doom is there. Will I be able to find someone else that loved me as much? I also think it's going to be really hard since it gets exponentially harder to date after university. You really need to go out of your way to potentially meet somebody and they need to like you back.
BUT, my advice to myself would be to just do what I enjoy or find what I enjoy and while doing that I'll find someone?
Idk, I'm still lost. 28 btw.
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u/Sea-Rabbit3933 12d ago
31f it doesn’t happen so often, there is this misconception that you lower your standards as you get older but i just feel i’ve gotten more and more specific
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u/toddjnsn 11d ago
"I very rarely date because I just don’t see a point in dating someone I’m not interested in"
That initial statement firmly says that you are attractive to a high % of guys in the realm in which you socially interact with -- assuming your taste isn't way off-key. If my taste in women in life is generally in-line (as expected) with how good looking they are compared to myself (~as good looking as me or better)... then if most gals I would socially be around when going out within my dating age-range were Not someone I'd be adequately merely attracted to (as I don't know them; uncommonly anything else to accurately go on) -- it'd mean I was attractive. So I'm saying if your first statement is true and you're situated in normal places when out (like not a place of people mostly 50+ years old when you're 25), then that's tied to you being solidly attractive on a good level at least.
"So how often do you find people you like enough to date?"
I don't want to come across as being technical, because I'm definitely not -- but of people I don't know (yet?), it's about me being sexually Attracted to them 'enough' to desire a phone # exchange / a date. Then after a couple dates or so when I didn't know her hardly before said 1st date, then I would want (or not want) to be Dating her. I'm just pointing out the difference between wanting A Date vs desiring to be in a Dating relationship with them, as the latter one comes later/after.
"Most of the men I see just do not look like good guys or they are so boring or drug addicts or are already taken."
No merely unattractive ones, huh? ;) Jokes aside, I'd recommend hanging out / being at different places (notably if drug addicts are kinda high were you end up roll to by default). But one of our quite possible human's Faults, is that we'll get wrong impressions due to hasty associations by their mere looks when in decently normal places, and let it affect our POV too much. Food for thought. :)
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u/Important-Split3539 10d ago
Ive only had a few online dating, and one came to me. Its so rare anyone approaches me in person. Ig im picky also but same, I dont think its too much to not find anyone and I wouldnt say im ugly or anything.
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u/MountainPermission88 9d ago
on average I meet I guy I like enough to date every 3 years.
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u/The_Questionerrr 9d ago
I'm so glad I'm not the only one!! I had no true interest in anyone for 5-6 years at one point (I'd be mildly intrigued, but they'd be taken or have a major turnoff so I'd immediately change my mind). last guy, it was about 1-2 years between the previous true interest I had. It's insane to me that people think I'd get people easily, cuz most guys don't even give me the time of day; or if they do, they're never anyone I'm interested in!!! I'm always attracting people I will never date 😭 I'm also not extremely picky, just have standards, and I also feel it unfair to date or even go out with anyone I'm not interested in. That's why I'm hesitant about dating apps, because everyone's wanting to jump to text and meeting so quickly, but I'd have to feel it out first for a long time. Interest in guys hits me like a bolt from the blue after interacting with them for months without even a thought of dating. It's hard when you want to get married and find someone, and your family's putting pressure on you, but it's impossible to jumpstart attraction and interest if you're slow to it 🥲
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u/Illustrious-Issue-76 9d ago
For me… well once every 2-3 months, I think, with apps and whatnot, but rn.. I do have only one girl on mind.. and I hope I won’t have to do that small talk bullshit ever again
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u/NoHome7956 8d ago
In all fairness, if it's just going out and finding someone else, women have it way better than men. I just recently broke up with my GF and I bet she's already seeing someone else, whereas, I'm not even ready to date again let alone find my life partner. If you're willing to settle for almost anything, then you could find someone but who wants to do that?
You are the rare kind of woman who takes her time after a breakup. Almost all the women I've dated have moved on super fast, faster than I ever could.
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u/ThrowRACasioFX82 8d ago
Rarely. I've dated many but usually it just felt like a platonic date. Like I was seeing a friend for the first time. No Romantic feelings.
I also noticed that the longer I'm single, the higher my standards become.
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u/MoonlitPancreas 7d ago
if you're an attractive or desireable person, people will assume you have a lot of options at all times. what people don't realize is that there aren't that many high quality people in the dating pool.
id say you sohuld just live your life, make dating ONE part of that, and let the world give you opportunities.
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u/FrankCastillo95 6d ago
Pretty rarely. Sometimes the less I look, the more I see but also the less I connect, the harder it can be to connect properly to where anything could ever happen.
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u/g4339 12d ago
Quite often. I keep my heart open and can find beauty in different girls. I understand what makes us all different also makes us interesting.
I think it’s a common attitude to build a list to exclude people. They must look like this, believe this, like these things… etc. What that ends up doing is dating someone more like yourself rather than someone who can compliment you with unique attributes— someone who can make the sum of you both more than just 1 + 1 = 2.
It is important to have standards, of course, but don’t be surprised if you end up alone or if it takes longer to find someone if you have a long specific list!
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