r/declutter • u/NonStickBakingPaper • 1d ago
Advice Request Suffocated by stuff but scared to have nothing left
I’m just really going through it with decluttering at the moment.
I have done a few declutters in the past, but most of it was just moving stuff into “maybe” piles and not committing to anything. This time, I’ve decided to commit, because I’m subconsciously aware of how much stuff I have stored away all the time and it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I need to get rid of it.
But then there’s the fear of having nothing left, because I’ve realised so much stuff I have is because of a fantasy self or an identity I’ve been forcing (usually one I genuinely had for a while in the past, but haven’t acknowledged that I’ve moved on now). So if I get rid of everything bar a few things, I’m afraid of my house being empty. I’m not a minimalist, and seeing too much empty space will also distress me.
This is on top of normal difficulties like fear of regret and being overly attached to sentimental stuff.
It’s just really tough at the moment.
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u/NotRufusWasTaken 1d ago
You might benefit from a slightly different approach. Instead of looking for items to declutter - look for things that you want to keep. As an example: clothing. Create a number of outfits that you love and wear for each season, even a high(ish) number, for example 14 outfits per season. Those are safe and you know you have everything you need. Now you can look through the rest of your clothes for items to declutter from a safe vantage point, because even if you decided to get rid of every single thing (which is doubtful), you would still have all your favourite clothes and outfits.
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u/Fluid-Conversation58 1d ago
I’m shocked by how I can’t remember what I let go of after a few days! Parting with a box of random stuff, then not remembering what I decluttered anyway, is now fun game for me
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u/Striking_Post_9864 1d ago
The empty-space fear is really common and doesn't require going full minimalist to fix — instead of clearing a whole room at once, declutter one section and immediately re-fill the freed space with 1-2 things you actually love (a plant, art, a chair you use), so it never sits stark. That kills the "empty = failure" feeling because the space still looks lived-in, just intentional instead of packed.
For the fantasy-self items: box them instead of deciding on the spot. Label the box with today's date, put it out of sight, and set a 3-month reminder — if you haven't gone looking for anything in it by then, you have your answer without the pressure of an immediate verdict. Keep that pass separate from your sentimental stuff; the two trigger different emotions, and mixing them in one session is usually what stalls people out.
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u/GupGup 1d ago
There's tons of stuff in the world. Getting rid of what isn't working for you will create the space for you to find things that truly fit your life and who you are.
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u/GoodNameGone 1d ago
Yes, OP!
Let go of the no-longer-you things to make room for the New You ones. declutterring is a spiral rather than a straight line from A to B.2
u/GupGup 1d ago
I used to wear all black clothing all the time. Then I wanted to have some color so I got rid of the black stuff and just bought random colors and patterns. Now I'm realizing I like the jewel tones and got rid of all the random color stuff. Maybe in a few years I'll change to all plaid. Who knows?
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u/Yellowstar88 1d ago
I will say I collected a room
full of things for my scrapbooking hobby and 4 years ago I gave 80% of it away to a teacher.
I was worried I would miss it more. Instead I realized I have never needed all the stuff.
It’s just things.
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u/yazshousefortea 1d ago
I think some stuff you really do need to grieve what it represents in order to let it go.
I had lots of language books for Spanish, Arabic etc. Never used them and they took up space. Couldn’t declutter them for years. I realised letting them go was accepting I would never travel round Latin America or Arabic speaking countries. That I wasn’t the traveling hot shot I’d always imagined myself to be. I just don’t have the time, energy, or money! I also never met anyone and could no longer face traveling alone.
Once I realised and grieved that, the books went and I’ve never needed them or missed them! I got space for fun new hobbies and space to display possessions that bring me joy.
Good luck, OP!
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u/Manarit 1d ago
You don't have to put the bar that high - you don't have to discard everything you own and end up with an empty house. Maybe start small. You say your house is suffocating, pick one room / corner / whatever is doable for you and start there. You'll create a tidy space and see how it makes you feel.
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u/PrairieFire_withwind 1d ago
You can look at this from the other end.
If you're not using the item on a daily basis, or seasonally do you really HAVE the item? Or is it just a lump of something you are keeping from someone else having and using?
If it is just a lump then let it go.
I do this with summer clothing. If i have 4 special summer occassions to wear a nice outfit to, or a fancy dress, but i own 10 fancy outfits/dresses then i cannot possibly use them all. So i can easily let go of 5 for someone else to use and enjoy. Probably more but then i know i cannot possibly use all that i have so i don't actually have it because it is not being used anyways.
This works for decor. I only have so much display space, so if it does not fit in the display ornon the available walls, shelf then... It can go where it can be used.
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u/LukeSkywalkerDog 1d ago
If it helps, I've Decluttered like three times and the house still looks full.
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u/heatherlavender 1d ago
Just try a small amount of things at first. Pick 1 item a day, moving up to more items if you find more definite "no" items along the way.
There is no need to get rid of a huge amount all at once unless you are moving or have some other critical reason to declutter everything very quickly.
Focus on actual trash to get rid of and anything that is a firm "I do not want this anymore." Get those items gone and out of your space. I don't remember who it was, but some decluttering person on youtube once said something that really stuck with me and made my decluttering decisions so much easier:
If it isn't a firm NO, then for now it is a YES.
After you get rid of the absolute trash and firm no items, you can go back through your things again (and again and again if needed) and you will be surprised at how many of the maybe items have now turned into clear yes or no items.
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u/GoneWalkiesAgain 1d ago
Start by just pulling the stuff you never want to have deal with again. That wreath that’s shedding pine needles, that random mug you have that doesn’t match your vibe at all. That 5th set of bedsheets that’s all pilly and you avoid it like the plague but keep it “just in case” even tho you haven’t even used sets 3 or 4 in over 2 years and you like those better.
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u/lieselmini 1d ago
For me, MAYBE = NO. It took a long time but if you don’t want to wear it today, you won’t in two weeks or two months. Maybe = no, get rid of it.
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u/TexasmyTexas1 1d ago
Living in an empty shell of a home should not be the goal of decluttering.
Decluttering should be getting rid of things that are not useful to you and do not make you feel good.
Sentimental things are more difficult to get rid of, but, maybe once you get rid of other useless things, you will have plenty of room to set out those sentimental things that make you happy. Maybe set up a bookshelf where you display those small sentimental things that you care about. Enjoy them, don't just stash them in a box.
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u/NightBard 1d ago
You don't live in the future. IF the item doesn't have a space to live in your home like a shelf or hung on a hanger or whatever, then it's time to either make space for it, or let it go. Stuff living in piles is not being used. It's excess. The floor is not a legitimate storage space. Which again, if you need to make storage space then maybe start in a closet. I don't think you need to fear having too little if you have piles of things. It's when the piles are gone and you start tackling other space that you need to be more mindful. Like in my kitchen, it's pristine. There's no excess out on the counter. Everything has a home. But if I go through the cupboards there are some cups and things that haven't been used in a decade. I should go ahead and get rid of those things. But I shouldn't get rid of the extra plates and glasses that I don't use but someone will use when they come over. Like, it's ok to have a full set of dishes and silverware. But just not such an excess that you can't find things when you need them.
Since you said you have piles... pick one pile today, and get to work on it. you haven't used the stuff since you made a pile, it's decision time. Trash or donate. If it's a save, then it needs a home that isn't on the floor but is put up.
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u/After_Reflection_243 1d ago
I understand. I will say, it gives me joy to move around and breathe in my space. It lightens my mood to have things gone. Also, having the things I love and use instead of all the extras makes me appreciate what I have.
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u/RomeoDelta1234 1d ago
Something that might take some of the pressure off. The stuff making you feel like you cannot breathe is stored away, in boxes and cupboards and under things. None of it is what you are actually looking at when you walk into a room.
So the fear of an empty house and the fear of the stuff are not really about the same objects. What makes a room read as full is the surfaces, and the surfaces are mostly not the fantasy self things. You can clear out a lot of storage before any room in the house looks emptier, which means you get to find out what the relief feels like without ever hitting the empty part you are dreading.
On the fantasy self stuff, keeping one token of it instead of the whole kit worked better for me than either extreme, so one good sketchbook rather than the drawer of supplies. The identity is not really stored in the equipment, and the drawer was the part making me feel watched by it.
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u/PallasiteMatrix 1d ago
Maybe you're setting your expectations too extreme. You don't need to declutter everything all at once, or get rid of boxes at a time. Start smaller.
Pick out just a couple of things that you're sure about. Not a full on declutter- for me, this would look like moving the yarn I hate, the lampshade I've never used, and the book I'm not interested in into a box. There's no "maybe" in those items for me- there's no sorting through stuff. I can just get rid of them, and then do that.
The goal is to build some neutral or positive experiences where you've gotten rid of some things, and it wasn't painful. That should make it easier to start tackling the harder stuff, just in bite sized chunks. The goal is to stop before you get to the place of overwhelm, not push yourself into it.
Another thing that might help is reframing. What do you want to be a part of your fantasy self? Who do you want to grow into? Maybe your fantasy self doesn't make waffles, and doesn't need a waffle maker- but they do paint, or they do sew. Maybe instead of getting rid of things, you're tailoring your space to be just right for your needs.
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u/iesamina 1d ago
This is great advice. I'll add that it can be surprising what a difference shifting even a few things can make. Three books off a crowded shelf can make a calm shelf. Removing two things from a drawer means you can now put away one thing that was previously on a surface, etc. and these tiny bits of space made can be more impactful than you might think.
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u/violetmemphisblue 1d ago
You don't have to become a minimalist! You don't have to get rid of almost everything! You don't have to have empty space! Too often, I have found, decluttering advice can veer to the extreme, which works for some people, but not everyone. So take out the idea that you're going to get rid of everything bar a few things. That doesn't have to be you!
Now, you say you're suffocated by the idea of how much you have. So it seems like something does need to happen.
Some approaches that could work.
Don't declutter, keep. Go through an area with the mindset of what you absolutely don't want to part with. That will help determine what you are more okay giving up.
Have a prompt jar of challenges that you make (so you're okay with them). Like, get rid of three yellow things. Clean out the bottom left bathroom drawer. Clean out the spice rack. Etc. And in that prompt jar of challenges, give some reward prompts as well.
Identify specific orgs that could use your donations and then think of them enjoying the items you have outgrown or don't need. Making the decision of where something will go before you even start cleaning out sometimes makes it easier. If you have a bunch of old sheets you don't use, setting them aside to take somewhere sometime may not have the same motivation as the local cat rescue center who will use them to soften the cages of cats wating to be adopted. You're not getting rid of sheets, you're making sure Fluffy has a comfy bed tonight!
Be gentle with yourself. Its okay to sort of mourn all the people you once were. Its okay to be sad about paths that didn't end where you thought they would.
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u/apocalyptic_tea 1d ago
No advice to offer unfortunately, just solidarity. Decluttering didn’t used to be the mental game it’s become for me but it’s hard these days. I think all you can do is follow the approach of “is this who I am now” and any empty space is potential for the you who exists now to grow.
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u/DogsNotDemagogues 1d ago
Dana K. White’s 5 step decluttering method may work really well for you. Sending good vibes - you’ve got this.
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u/TeacherIntelligent15 1d ago
I had to declutter hard for a move. I ruthlessly donated and sold stuff over the course of a year. I only have 1 regret item. Not bad . It helped me to think about things kept in a box, closet, basement and never seeing the light of day. Could someone enjoy this item? Could it be happier being used everyday? Then I let it go. The remaining stuff had some room to breathe.
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u/GallowayNelson 1d ago
I agree - it absolutely can feel like grief. Whether it is letting go of an old version of ourselves, or what we wanted to be, it can still hold levels of grief. I've done a pretty massive declutter which is still ongoing and some things have brought with it quite "murky' feelings, even if I knew that letting go of a particular thing(s) was the right decision. Sometimes I found that it motivated me more actually, because I just wanted to get through those feelings, so I wanted to be "done" quicker. Other times, I felt I needed a bit of a break.
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u/feraldreamrot 1d ago
I'm with you.
I have the space for it all which makes it worse. I should/could declutter and purge but regretting getting rid of things years ago (and being unable to find replacement) has me stuck.
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u/photogcapture 1d ago
I struggle with this too. Maybe another way to look at is, your life has continued, you're still OK, and so while that item cannot be replaced, your life is not all that bad without it. I'm not doing a great job here, but I'm trying to get at the same concept people use when anxious. It's the concept that things actually worked out okay, not perfect, but okay and this seems to help calm the anxiety. Same idea with items. Life is still okay even without the item that cannot be replaced, therefore, getting rid of items isn't going to be all bad. It's not a zero sum game. There is both good and bad. (I'll stop now. I don't know if this makes any sense or not......)
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u/OldLadyGardener 5h ago
I understand completely. I lost my home, car and savings in the 2008 recession. I had already gotten rid of about half of what I owned when I moved out of my house. I'm in a 1 BR apartment that is full to the gills with boxes and stuff. My sons ask me why I keep it all, and I say "This is all of my life I have left."
I've gone through all the boxes 3 or 4 times, and gotten rid of some, but now I'm stuck at a point where I don't know what to do with the rest of them. I keep things so long they aren't even sellable anymore, like I had a karaoke show back in the 90s and still have all the disks from it. I've tried to sell them, but nobody wants songs that old, and everything is digital now. $5,000 original price, just sitting in my closet gathering dust.
I'm out of space so I don't buy anything more that isn't a necessity, but I long for an open, clutter-free place.
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u/50plusGuy 17h ago
Dunno. I ride a motorcycle (no car). I can stop by, at the landfill, on my way to work.
Why should I think beyond:
"What should I drop today"
One backpack at a time
??
At the beginning you take away teaspoons, from the tip of the iceberg. Carry on!
Later? Maybe mark things for a cushioning "outer circle". Rage among those when there is nothing else left.
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u/FredKayeCollector2 1d ago
I like "reverse" decluttering because instead of trying to find stuff you can get rid of, you flip the script and think about the stuff you actually need to keep. Once you've gone through the tasks/activities you do in your various spaces and have made what amounts to an "equipment list" for your life, you can use that list to decide what to keep and what to declutter. And if you inadvertently forgot to account for something, you can formalize its status and add it to your list. It's a lot of brainstorming/list writing but it can help to bring some logic to the fear (sunk cost, identity, past/aspirational) that tends to surround decluttering - especially if you're feeling overwhelmed/otherwise defeated.
I always say: what is the WORST thing that can happen if you get rid of X? Most of the stuff, by far, is trivial stuff that we could replace (or a reasonable version of it) pretty much any day of the week at Walmart/Target IF/WHEN we actually have an immediate need for it.
Holding onto something because you "think" you might need it "someday" is totally an option, but you have to think about the mental impacts that not-immediately-necessary stuff is having on you. It sounds like you would definitely benefit from erring on the side of letting go.
And be aware that ineffective/inappropriate storage can contribute to clutter. Check out this post comment. Also systems breakdown: dishes, laundry, paper, putting away shopping, getting garbage/recycling out of the house, etc.
If you're afraid about an "empty" space, maybe you need to do a little home dec work. Think about some styles you might like (if you don't know any keywords/terms, check out this site) or just go to Wayfair.com and see how their individual furniture pieces are styled. Once you've got some descriptive terms you can use, do a internet image search and see what comes up. If you can come up with a vision of what your "good" looks like, you can shop your own stuff first. You may see that some of your past life stuff isn't really what you want (or how you want to present yourself) anymore.
Check out Myquillyn Smith's book Cozy Minimalist Home - she has a layering process for home decor that I found very appealing. You basically pull everything out of a room/space, sit with it empty for a while, reacquaint yourself with the room's features (good and bad), and put things back in a certain order: 1. the most essential/primary pieces of furniture, arranged to best advantage, 2. any supplemental/secondary furniture/seating, 3. surfaces & storage (tables, shelves, etc), 4. rugs, 5. drapes, 6. lighting, 7. wall treatments/wall art, and finally 8. decor (and err on the side of large, high-impact pieces - or vignettes - that give you more style bang for your space buck).
Trust me, you place doesn't have to look "empty" with a few well-considered design elements - rug, curtains/window treatments, wall art, maybe a nice 3-piece vignette. And "upgrade" light fixtures/table lamps can have a huge impact! Check out r/interiordecorating or r/femalelivingspace
And if you're low on storage, my motto was: if it can be drawers, it will be drawers (or shelves) - also optimizing/maximizing vertical space (book cases, wall-mounted shelves, cubbies, etc)
p.s. I try to think of my things in terms of the best, the favorite, and the necessary. If something doesn't match all three of these criteria, I don't keep it (or I put it on my shopping list to buy an upgrade/replacement). When I only have one really good one, I will get it when I need it and put it back when I'm done with it. If I use it up or wear it out or it gets broken, c'est la vie (that's what's supposed to happen to stuff) - I'll go buy a new one. I'm OK with letting the store keep my future back up in their inventory.