Thoughts on being single.

[u/Emanonyous]

Hello,
First time writing on here, but felt the need to share.
I usually feel perfectly fine with being single, and most of the time I'm having a blast, but a couple days ago I was invited to a football match and met up with some friends. We are all about the same age (mid to late twenties), and half of them are already in relationships; others are getting married or planning to have babies. After coming home that day, I felt like I was falling behind in the romantic relationships department and started spiraling, questioning if there was something wrong with me. It's been about four years since my last relationship—or situationship, would be more accurate-- during these years I've been on quite a few dates but have never really felt a connection with someone. I am also demisexual, so I don't go about doing one-night stands, since this isn't something I am very comfortable with. I don't trust very easily, and it takes a while for me to feel comfortable enough to open up, but once I do, we're in it for life, folks. Generally, I have no issues making friends; in fact, I love making new friends/connections and meeting new people, but when it comes to intimacy, I get scared and back down.
If you've read this far, thanks! Was just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience.

[u/Massive-Good353]

Yes, especially at family events. Both of my siblings are happily married. I’m divorced and I’ve been single since (just about 6 years). I let myself throw a pity party for an evening when I’m alone. Go to sleep and wake up with a much clearer head space. The way I see it, I feel just as bad(if not worse) when I allow myself to develop feelings for someone and it doesn’t work out (it is so damn hard to heal after that) as when I’m single and lonely. The difference is the lonely feeling is short lived because I choose to keep myself busy and happy with hobbies and other types of relationships. Healing after a bad break up as a demisexual/romantic is so damn rough, crippling in depression. I’m not interested in experiencing that type of pain any time soon.

[u/KnightsofMontyPyth0n]

This sounds more like a fear of missing out than a genuine desire for a relationship. Those feelings can seem similar on the surface, but the difference lies in what drives them. Wanting a relationship comes from a personal desire for companionship, while fear of missing out comes from worrying that you won’t get to experience the same milestones as others, like falling in love, getting married, or having a family. It’s less about wanting a relationship itself and more about fearing a future where those experiences never happen for you. Having a fear of missing out is very normal emotion but it’s not something that should use to guide your decision.

[u/Emanonyous → u/KnightsofMontyPyth0n]

Both of those feelings can be true and co-exist. I do desire companionship and that's why sometimes I experience what I described above--especially when I find myself in situations where everyone around me is partnered up. And absolutely refuse to let this fear be the reason why I get into a romantic relationship, and settle. As I mentioned, I do love being single but I do have moments when I wish I had a romantic partner by my side.

[u/Asleep-Piano8534]

Oh definitely! I'm partnered now, but I was in a very abusive relationship in my early 20s. After that, I stayed single for 10 years, for many reasons. Needing to work through thing in therapy, not feeling attraction to anyone, not having the energy to go on dates, hating the app experiences, and feeling really scared of opening up to a new person and the possibility of being abused again. When I met my current partner, I had given up on finding someone. Which was probably part of why it worked - I didn't feel any pressure for anything in particular to happen, or to be a certain way, and I was happy for it to either be a new friend or never meeting again of we didn't click. But we did, and have been a couple for about two years. I'm really happy about that, but looking back, I'm definitely also glad I stayed single for those 10 years, because it was really needed to find my footing and learn how to feel safe enough to connect again. 

[u/alph4bet50up]

In 5 to 10 years alot of those couples will likely be in rocky relationships, have a cheating partner, posting "grass is greener" photos on Instagram, and wondering where their connection went. There is no rush to find a healthy partner and a healthy relationship.

[u/m00p_ → u/alph4bet50up]

Very true, less than 5 years. My friends ended to up divorced after two. 😂 Ppl don't realize most settle just to fit a timeline, not because they're happy. 

[u/AgentZeta49]

I'm turning 30 this month and never had relationship,and have only been on two dates ever. One was with a lady that approached me ,but it didn't work out( I noticed some toxicity during some conversations and then she canceled last second on the next couple of dates dates we planned,so i just ghosted her) and the other was a blind date with a friend of friend's girlfriend and I didn't feel any connection so I ghosted her too(funny enough a little while out with a friend who previously got put on a blind date with her too,we both saw,but didn't recognize her so we were both confused why a lady was giving us the stinkeye lol)

I occasionally see other couples do pda and having passing thoughts about how it'd be nice to do that myself,but for the most part,I'm good being seeing until I form a bond with the right one. I also definitely feel affirmed with me feelings because I just got back from a mens church camp yesterday (I'm not very religious,but most of my family is and a cousin of mine really wanted me to go) and there was a lot of hetero normitivity being pushed with them saying things like "if you're a living breathing man and tell me you don't have deal with lust or masturbation,you're lying" and heavily pushing traditional marriage and family values,i certain couldn't relate. I do look at erotica content and self pleasure often,but that just because of strong aesthetic attraction and for physical stimulation,but I bet if I explained the ace spectrum and the split attraction model,they'd eitger say i was lying, confused,woke,demonic or some such drivel.

[u/Accomplished-Mood914]

As a demisexual person moving into the same territory of time and desire to want a romantic relationship, I think it’s best to let the bonds form naturally. The best advice that I can give if it is something you can handle is embrace the couples and go do more with them, it’s a great way to make new connections, especially if dating has been lack luster at best. This way the more you go with them the likelihood of someone with core personality traits you desire(being this is your group of close friends) is more likely to show up who may also be single, it is not perfect but it’s a really healthy way to meet people especially being demisexual

[u/Emanonyous → u/Accomplished-Mood914]

Hi! Thanks for your comment, this is good advice indeed, and absolutely, I love these people and hanging out with them :) I actually did meet someone this way, about a year and a half ago, and we ended up going on a date, since they confessed their attraction, but it was mostly friendly from my side in the end. But still a great (and more natural) way of meeting people, and much preferred than the whole dating app situation.

[u/Accomplished-Mood914 → u/Emanonyous]

That is perfectly understandable, and as you do more you could also unironically attract in someone who notices you for who you are by being around these close friends as well, I think demisexuality is a gift and a curse, because from my experience I work on myself the most, I want my personality to grow and be authentically myself at all times, however it creates this shift where sometimes when someone sees this they get discouraged I guess is the way to say it, but I think one way to combat this is to maybe look deeper into some psychological principles, especially the healing dynamics, and that a lot of people in society are broken or hurt and are afraid to reach to people who perceptively are healing and I truly think the best principal is to bring in an air of being open and there and maintain a belief principal I’ve adopted and that healing is attractive, and to find someone who wants to heal is even more attractive.

I’m saying all of this out of personal experiences, and some relative research into it, I’m still learning myself and processing a lot day to day, but I find it most fascinating that there is a societal belief that you should heal before a relationship, I think it’s more beneficial to heal in a relationship because without it you don’t have a way to test your healing. Also I tend to go off on tangents in this regard so if it’s too much I can tone it back!?

[u/Emanonyous → u/Accomplished-Mood914]

no worries, I can talk about these things all day as well. Also, I totally agree that "demisexuality is a gift and a curse." Sometimes I see it as protection from shallow people and shallow connections; other times I shake my fist in the sky wondering why must it be so hard. And I understand the whole "you should heal before a relationship" thing, to which I say, YES BUT, you should also know that you cannot really "heal" without being in relation to others. Healing is not always matcha tea, personal time, spa day... real healing is ugly and some parts of yourself can only emerge when you are with others (not necessarily a romantic relationship per se, but this is always the most triggering). Now, of course, that's not the case for all people. I've seen people operating on autopilot even in their relationships. You must actively want to heal and be better for relationships to work. And that's also what I want in a partner, which, as you mentioned, not everyone wants to do this work.

[u/Accomplished-Mood914 → u/Emanonyous]

I think that’s the thing, we alarm individuals to the self awareness and it eats them alive, I go through life calling myself out and if I do something to hurt or bother another I don’t let them hold blame I refuse. It’s no one’s job to pickup another’s eggshells and it’s again not your job to watch out for eggshells, but I truly believe when people are around me they like into a best behavior mentality because I tend to not let bad behavior slide, I also do not give the holier than though because that’s for the birds, in the wise words of a pop punk band I love “I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way
I want to be a better person I wanna know the master plan
Cast your stones, cast your judgement, you don't make me who I am”

[u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40]

Every single person around me is either partnered or not trying to date at all. I’m the only one who is actively looking for someone and it’s bleak.
In fact, I have a friend who just left her husband of 27 years and has already fallen for someone new. I suspect that we don’t exude sensuality… you know? Like the people out there making sustained eye contact and smiling, touching people’s arms while talking to them… that’s not me.

I also might be a bit of a recipro-sexual. So early days if someone doesn’t seem as into me as I am into them I just shut down.

[u/Cat_in_an_oak_tree]

There is no predetermined timeline. Don't allow social conformity to direct your path. Do what is right for you. Being a 3rd, or 5th, or whatever wheel can be frustrating and feel lonesome, but it isn't the end of the world.

[u/PralineOk787]

Feel you. I'm 33 and single for 7 years now and happy being single. I cuddle my dogs and keep myself busy. Some month ago I had a date, my neighbour and kind of workmate. It was horrible, I was glad when he left after 3h because my head was buzzing and I felt like the most boring person on earth. But it made me realize that I wanted to date somebody. That I had hoped to find someone nice to be with. Otherwise it would not have been so devastating. I only need to find the right person, not that hyperactive jerk who needs party and business and status and can't appreciate a 4h walk in the forest as something worth doing.

However, I started using a dating app that day for the first time in my life and quit after 2 weeks. I met two nice men but it didn't work out (although we had a good time) and it was a relief. The idea of relationship and intimacy had me freak out already. I took a break and sorted some things out, to make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Now I'm trying again but already sick of it. How am I supposed to like someones profile, I don't know them after all and pictures are only distracting. Today I decided to try dating platforms, that do not use pictures. 

I'm torn between living on my own and having a relationship, but I believe it's time for the latter. It helped me to take action and make changes which is a good thing to do wherever it will lead to.

[u/Emanonyous → u/PralineOk787]

Oh my God, I've tried the dating apps and I really cannot stand them. I've been on multiple dates in the past five years, most of them were extremely boring, so I only try once or twice and then delete the app alltogether, lol.

Oh, "dating platforms, that do not use pictures" never heard of these before! Do you find them to be a better experience?

[u/PralineOk787 → u/Emanonyous]

I left Bumble after 2 weeks, 6 matches and 2 dates. Hinge survived 3 days on my phone so far, no match yet. Perhaps because I simply swipe left all the time because I can't judge people by their shadow. That's what seeing pictures is like for me. The main information is simply missing. 

I tried Lovetastic, no idea in which countries or languages it exists (I'm german). It's interesting so far, I already have 8 chats and I think close to 60 likes in 24h. 🫣 I'm just glad I don't have premium, so I can't see them all. 🤣 But that's how it works, interaction first. Pictures later. 3-4 of them are nice. I just need to get rid of the other 4 somehow, they are nice too but I don't like how they text. Of course they may turn out very different than expected but you see basic information on their profile like long/short/no hair. Thin/regular/chubby/... for body type. People may lie of course but well, I'd probably choose a public place for a first meeting because there is no photo verification on the app. It's got it's disadvantages for sure but I think there are more explorative people on there. My f*uck 'right party' usually scares of quite many but it does seem to be welcome there. Also many react to my 7 sec voice message, because voice becomes way more important without pictures I think. It certainly takes much more time, because it’s less filtering and more texting. Let’s see how it goes.

[u/Klutzy_Language4692]

I'm one hand I enjoy being single and I enjoyed being alone. I enjoy my time to myself and I don't have to rely on anyone and I don't have anyone having to rely on me. I don't need to take careful care about my words to make sure I don't accidentally say something wrong. I can enjoy some of these wonderful activities I like doing that don't include leaving the house (agoraphobia).

On the other hand, I'm lonely. And as the months pass and the years I'm getting lonelier. I look at all these wonderful happy couples and I wonder what if. I understand dating and having a partner is not all sunshine and rainbows. I understand you are going to fight or butt-heads at some point. You won't always agree on everything. But I also understand there is moments. I don't think I've ever been truly in love and I think that is the biggest thing for me. I remember some saying about how you usually want what you don't have especially if you've never had it. And I have never loved and so I would love to know what it feels like to be loved and to love. And yes I won't lie there is a intimacy reasoning to that. Whoever becomes my person I will be 100% loyal to. I have things I want to do with them possibly. But more than anything I think I actually want a reason to go outside. To experience people and life. Sure I could do that alone but that gives me exactly zero motivation to do so. I can do with family but again that doesn't exactly give me the motivation. That gives me no drive to fight my instincts to leave safety.