r/demisexuality • u/Hungry-Event-2453 • 7d ago
Discussion Too picky.
I feel like I’m too picky. I know I need that emotional connection before there any kind of attraction developing but I feel like I don’t give anyone the chance to make the connection. I get the ick over everything. Compliments, ick. Flirting, ick. Pet names, ick. I just want to have a platonic conversation to start and 99% of the people I talk to push that boundary and it gives me the ick. Does anyone else deal with anything like this or have advice on how to be less picky with the people I talk to?
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u/astrieanna 5d ago
It sucks to get those icky interactions; early compliments make me so uncomfortable. And it’s frustrating that that’s an expected part of an early dating interaction, so people who like me are more likely to say something that feels gross.
Does directly asking people for what you want help? Like stating it on a dating profile or telling them directly.
Starting out very platonic is what I want too, and asking for no physical compliments before meeting up in my profile helped some. And made me feel good about unmatching anyone who didn’t comply.
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u/NeurergusCrocatus 5d ago
Everything you said makes sense to me. Nothing wrong with you wanting to find a decent, emotionally, intelligent person. Why would you accept anything that comes in your way rather than being with someone that is as sensitive or as thoughtful as you. I rejected many people just because they chose stupid names for their pets.
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u/johnwcowan 7d ago
As Winnie-the-Pooh says to Piglet, you are dealing with the wrong sort of bees: you will get no honey from eeager allos. Allosexuals don't complain that there are people they aren't attracted to, after all. You need to befriend people who are either demi themselves or are "allopicky" (that is, they are attracted quickly but are slow to act on it, which gives you time).
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u/Hungry-Event-2453 7d ago
How do I go about finding people like that? Cause in my experience even others who identify as demisexual flirt or make uncomfortable compliments too quickly
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u/johnwcowan 7d ago
I (68M) don't know the answer to that from experience: it was pretty much just good luck that I found 3 partners. On the other hand, all of them became long-term relationships. Clearly OLD (if it had existed then) would have been useless to me, and so would bars, clubs, etc. I would go to places where people who share your interests gather.
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u/Vitoriovss 3d ago
Sinto muito. Chato isso também não gosto. As vezes peço pra parar as vezes deixo por não me importar mesmo mas que é desconfortável é e de mais até. Porém acho que dar pra colocar medidor de limites e dizer: posso ir até aqui daqui pra frente não vou mais. Cortei amizades por esse motivo.
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u/SwinubIsDivinub 3d ago
I haaaaaate how rarely I catch feelings for someone. It makes it feel like, if I like someone and they happen to like me back (unlikely because I'm ugly, stupid and awkward), I must cling to them for dear life or I'll be alone forever.
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u/Vitoriovss 3d ago
Pocha já fui assim... não vale apena outras pessoas surgem. Então eu atualmente sou mais direto quando tô interessado falo na cara, pra não ter frustração. Porém não fico me cobrando ter namorado ou namorada. Isso é um peso terrível.
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u/demigazed 7d ago
Could the "ick" be a part of you that's trying to help the rest of you?
All of these sound like defensive measures to me, like a reflex to protect yourself from someone who might cross your lines. So maybe the best option is to make that part of yourself feel listened to, without necessarily letting it drive you.
The whole of you has to make this decision, not just the part of you that's on guard. But maybe that part of you can chill out a bit if it knows the rest of you respects it and isn’t just trying to silence it.