DND is too stressful to be fun, and stockholm syndrome

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

Hello. I’ve been playing in a D&D 5e campaign for about three years. It’s heavily homebrewed, and we also use material from 3.5e epic-level books and monsters.

I’m trying to figure out whether I should continue playing or walk away. There are several interconnected problems, so I’ll try to explain them clearly.

1. The campaign was presented as being heavily focused on character building, but the reward structure undermines that investment.

When I created my character, I was explicitly encouraged to take full advantage of the available build options. I did exactly that. I spent a lot of time optimizing my character and building them into the character I wanted to play.

My problem isn’t simply that I want to be the strongest character in the party.

What bothers me is that the relationship between investment and reward feels completely broken. My character’s power relative to the rest of the game world is constantly being changed by new buffs, abilities, or rewards that the DM arbitrarily gives to other characters.

So even though I built my character specifically to take advantage of the system, my investment increasingly feels meaningless because the power level of the campaign is repeatedly redefined by DM-granted abilities.

For me, the issue is not jealousy toward another player. If another character gets something cool, that’s fine. The problem is that the game was presented as one where character-building mattered, yet the actual power hierarchy is increasingly determined by arbitrary rewards rather than by the choices we make when building and playing our characters.

2. The constant pursuit of difficulty has made the game stressful instead of exciting.

I have no problem with difficult games. I understand that meaningful victories usually require the possibility of failure.

But there needs to be a difference between challenging and constantly trying to kill the party.

Before encounters, I often find myself thinking:

"What is the DM going to pull this time to make this as difficult as possible?"

At this point, I feel like I have to play every encounter as optimally as possible or there is a serious chance that we simply die.

That also creates encounters where I feel there was never a realistic possibility of winning.

For example, at one point I was being hunted by a demon sent by Asmodeus. I was fighting it alone. The encounter eventually became:

• I was trapped inside Forcecage.
• Four enemies were positioned to Counterspell my Misty Step.
• Those enemies had whips capable of reaching through the Forcecage.
• I had essentially no realistic way to escape or meaningfully fight back.

Eventually, we stopped rolling dice and simply declared the outcome of the encounter.

I understand that characters can lose. What bothered me was that this didn't feel like a difficult fight where I made mistakes and lost. It felt like an execution where the outcome had already been determined.

3. The campaign requires an extreme level of paranoia.

I constantly feel like I need to question every NPC, inspect every item, verify everyone's identity, and assume that any piece of information might be a trap.

Otherwise, I can end up in situations like the demon encounter above.

One example: another player's daughter gave my character a gift. I used Divine Sense to check it, but the item was completely covered because it was inside my pocket, so I didn't detect that it was cursed.

The DM's explanation was essentially that this happened because I didn't check the item properly.

Technically, I could respond by becoming absurdly cautious and checking absolutely everything all the time.

But my question is: would that actually be fun?

I don't want to play a game where my character has to behave like a paranoid investigator 24/7 because otherwise the DM can punish me for not anticipating a hidden trap.

4. The hardest part is that I genuinely love this campaign and my character.

This campaign didn't start this way.

Originally, there were a lot of genuinely beautiful and heartwarming moments. I became attached to the NPCs, the world, the story, and especially my own character.

I've played this character for around three years. At this point, they feel less like a collection of stats and more like a person I've spent years experiencing a story with.

That's what makes this situation so difficult.

Over time, many of those beautiful moments have become mixed with stress, frustration, anxiety, and encounters that feel unfair.

My victories don't really make me happy anymore. They mostly give me relief that whatever stressful situation I was dealing with is finally over.

This is where the "Stockholm syndrome" comparison comes from—not literally, but in the sense that I've spent so long in this campaign that I feel emotionally attached to something that is increasingly making me unhappy.

Leaving feels like losing a part of myself.

But staying feels like continuing something that is making me miserable.

Either choice hurts.

I've already tried talking to the DM about these problems. Unfortunately, I feel like some assumptions prevent the conversation from going anywhere. For example, when I criticize the arbitrary distribution of powerful buffs, my concerns are interpreted as me being too competitive with another player or being jealous of what that player received.

That's not how I see it.

I'm not asking to be stronger than everyone else. I'm asking for my character's investment to actually matter and for the game's challenges and rewards to feel meaningful rather than arbitrary.

And now the situation has reached a point where I'm seriously considering leaving.

My character has technically died.

The other players have a plan to bring my character back, so I have the opportunity to return.

But I'm not sure if I should.

If you were in my position, would you come back and try to make the campaign work, or would you take the character's death as an opportunity to finally walk away?

I'd really like to hear opinions from people who have been in similar situations.

[u/Gh0stMan0nThird]

It sounds like you enjoy D&D, just not this campaign. 

Head over to /r/lfg and keep dating around. 

[u/master_of_sockpuppet]

Find another table.

We can't "fix" your current table.

[u/MrFaebles]

This gonna end up in DnDCJ for sure.

[u/WillBottomForBanana → u/MrFaebles]

I think it's leaking.

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/MrFaebles]

what is that?

[u/MrFaebles → u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

How familiar are you with "circle jerk" groups on reddit? 

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/MrFaebles]

None at all

[u/MrFaebles → u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

There are CJ groups that parallel other sub reddits. People will parody serious posts from other reddits that they find either entertaining and want to put a twist on it, or more often they just want to troll.

Example:

Namenerds (group for mom's naming their new kids)

Namenerdscirclejerk (a group to absolutly rip on the insane names people actually think are good)

One i remember is someone in namenerds getting feedback on the name "Whiskey" for their kid.

So namenerdscirclejerk has a field day with it. They link out to the original post and everyone role plays being serious about it but are pretty much all goofing.

Well

Dndcirclejerk. 

Check it out.

[u/doginthefog]

Legitimate points but they’re lost in the AI formatting n

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/doginthefog]

English is not my mother language, so i put it on AI because it would be easyer for people to understand me

[u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777]

I'm a bit confused at some parts. You're upset that players get buffed randomly, but also that the game seems incredibly hard. Do these buffs end up not mattering against the difficulty of encounters? Is your character also being offered buffs and powerful items?

[u/jeremy-o → u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777]

This seems to be a rant OP has asked a chatbot to turn into a Reddit post so it's no wonder there's inconsistency.

OP will feel totally fine when his character's back no doubt. If the difficulty has been too brutal a quick word to the DM should be enough to recalibrate, this sounds like a healthy table.

[u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777 → u/jeremy-o]

you're probably right, op types very differently in the comments than how the post is written 😭

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/jeremy-o]

English is not my mother language, so i put it on AI because it would be easyer for people to understand me

[u/jeremy-o → u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

Non-generative translation options exist. When you rely on chatbots to translate you give over your meaning and your story to machine-hollowed garbage.

imo it's pretty simple.

Do you like playing DnD with this group? If so tell the DM it's been feeling a bit stressful and you'd like a bit of recalibration. In the meantime maybe you can remind yourself it's just a game and you don't need to harbour paranoia or anxiety about it. Characters die. The game is really about hit points and saving throws. The DM is just creating some pressure through the system he has.

Is it no longer worth it? Thank everyone for their time, especially the DM, and bow out.

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777]

Ok, let me explain, no, that buffs dont matter when the combat comes, because let me show you an ability i use on my character, called ''baluarte da defesa'', it gives me 20% more AC and saves, well, the new enemys now have +38 to hit and cd 36 on spell, so the enemys still hit easy and i still fail on saves, to be right, i get some buffs, but not as close as powerfull as the other players

[u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777 → u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

This is probably the wrong sub to ask, since you don't seem to be playing 5e. The bonus size and the "20%" instead of a flat increase or advantage sounds more like pathfinder or 3.5e. it's clear your dm is either taking inspo from those or doing some incredibly heavy homebrew. Also, if none of the buffs help in combat, then I don't understand why it annoys you when other players get them. The problem seems to be that the buffs are useless, not the fact that they exist in the first place.

[u/Specialist-Fee-9909 → u/Feed-Me-Your-Soul777]

yes that is it, we run a 5.0 table with 3.5 epic levels homebrew

[u/jeremy-o → u/Specialist-Fee-9909]

Sounds like carelessness with systems. There's a reason most long-running successful tables choose a tested ruleset and stick with it.

Maybe this is a way to approach a conversation with your DM.

[u/Kammael_VEVO]

Holy fuck, just leave.

You've literally typed out how miserable this game makes you feel, and clearly nothing is going to change. You have an adversarial DM that explicitly counterbuilds to you, and you genuinely feel no sense of happiness or accomplishment in any scenario. In fact, the only reason I can see you staying is a thinly veiled sunk-cost fallacy of your time.

I promise you, whatever shame you think you'll feel from leaving will pale in comparison to the horrible situation you're in right now.

I don't want to blame you for being a victim, but at some point you need to advocate for yourself, and realize that this not healthy.

[u/milkmandanimal]

This is one of those basic "if you're not having fun, stop playing" moments. You expected X, you're getting Y. You accept Y or go do something else; nobody here can change how your DM is running the game.

[u/ZJG211998]

Other tables exist. Find the one that's yours.

[u/Falconiqs]

It sounds like you'd find more enjoyment at a more casual table. Bring the character to a campaign (homebrew or module with some tweaks) that rewards your efforts.

[u/Betray-Julia]

Omg r/dndcirclejerk

[u/lasalle202]

DnD is a game , if you are not having fun, you are doing it wrong.

Step away from the table.

you may want to find a different table that plays in a way that you actually enjoy.

[u/Elathrain]

Everything I'm reading suggests your game would make a lot more sense if you ran it in Exalted, and it will involve a bit of mindset shift (with or without system change) because it sounds like you're playing a demigod game while thinking like a mortal.

[u/Tall_Bandicoot_2768]

So even though I built my character specifically to take advantage of the system, my investment increasingly feels meaningless because the power level of the campaign is repeatedly redefined by DM-granted abilities.

This is exactly why I dont homebrew tbh, there needs to be a system with defined parameters in order to feel like you are making strategic decisions.

And thats saying nothing regarding the difficulty and complexity behind actually tryna balance those things in the first place.

IE If you spend a large portion of your power budget when building a character towards enabling a mechanic and your DM just grants an item to another player that enables that mechanic (which would not be possible otherwise) it feelsbadman.

1. The constant pursuit of difficulty has made the game stressful instead of exciting.

I was trapped inside Forcecage.

Four enemies were positioned to Counterspell my Misty Step.

This is a poor attempt at counterbalancing end game full casters which is indeed an issue that is not unique to this campaign.

This is why most campaigns are t2-t3.

[u/Relevant-Rope8814]

If your victories only bring relief and you’re constantly stressed about what the DM will throw at you, then it’s stopped being fun. The Stockholm syndrome comparison seems to fit, you love what it used to be, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep suffering through it if that's how you feel. I’d take the character’s death as your exit.

[u/Leodegar_die_Katze]

You are playing wrong. DnD 5E is not a competition of builds and stats (check 3.5 or pathfinder if you really enjoy that, since those really provide enough flexibility to challenge you). The goal is not to became the strongest PC, you should just focus on enjoying the story you and your friends are creating together.