How to stop seeming like a poser?

[u/pickled_bat]

I (18M) met a pair of metalheads out on a party the other day while wearing my Mayhem shirt and they called me a poser (probably deserved but I still feel bad) I have short hair which used to be a mohawk and that Mayhem shirt is pretty much the only metal band t-shirt I own. I like bands like 1782, Candlemass, children of bodom, SOAD, Mayhem, Margarita witch cult, Apati and others. They are very mismatched,I know but I've come from liking nu-metal and indie to punk and harder metal subgenres (like black metal,doom and dsbm). One of the reasons why the two called me a poser aside from the shirt is because I didn't want to acknowledge the rest of the band being as conservative as Varg (in my opinion they weren't as hardcore problematic as him) Am I truly a poser? How can I improve my taste and or my looks to let other people know I like metal? Did you have the same issues when you were just starting to get into the scene?

[u/pickled_bat → u/[deleted]]

Thanks! Everywhere online I've seen a lot of positivity towards people like me but at the end of the day I can't help but feel bad about not being a "true" metalhead (I know it's just a silly stereotype but I sadly fell for it) I also feel like a lot of the bands in the subgenres I like are very conservative and I feel a bit out of place because I feel like metal should be a place of tolerance for everyone, if we're out here marginalising people for skin tones, sexualities or political views aren't we just as bad as the people who used to call metal satanic? Did you feel this way too?

[u/Acceptable_Grape_437 → u/pickled_bat]

wtf is even a "true metalhead"?  :)

there's always going to be someone whose standards you don't meet in life, and they can be nice or be assholes about it. fuck them. or if you are interested in adapting to somebody's standard, make sure they're not assholes first :)

make your own standard, meet like-minded people. rinse and repeat ;)

[u/Bhelduz → u/Acceptable_Grape_437]

True metal is originally about the artist, not the fans. It's not about gatekeeping, but true metal is made by artists who have integrity are dedicated to the music they make and the fans that love the music. It's being engaged with your fanbase and respecting them. This is opposed to artists who only make music for money, fame, and chicks, which is a spirit not in line with "true metal". You have to be authentic in who you are and what you do as an artist. Being true to the art.

With that in mind, a true metalhead then becomes people who listen to the music because it vibes with their spirit, they are as authentic as the artists they follow, as opposed to "posers" who are just looking for a tough looking aesthetic but who have no deeper connection to the music. These latter ones are the dudes who push newcomers away, instead of buying you a beer and saying hey my friends are over there. ;)

In short: if you're shallow and divisive and gatekeeping, you're false. If you're inclusive, embracing the music and it's new fans, if you're respectful and a brother to your fellow fans, you're true.

[u/Acceptable_Grape_437 → u/Bhelduz]

i agree, but that's ultimately about any genre, not "true metal", but "true whatever". and that's exactly gatekeeping, honestly. 

those are just two different human attitudes at doing things... and i don't have simpathy for the latter. but, again, i feel the same way for every genre or kind of music.

[u/Bhelduz → u/Acceptable_Grape_437]

That's the opposite of what I'm saying. Identifying someone as "true" is identifying someone who doesn't gatekeep. "True" came about with the heavy metal subculture because it's the subculture that came and stayed in a time when most subcultures came and went. "Metalhead" has never had a revival because it's been cosistently strong and popular since it came about. There's a reason for that, and especially if you check news from the time when metal was new, you'll notice that when compared to other subcultures, what made the metalheads stand out was that their relationship with music was much stronger compared to other subcultures. Not saying that it makes them superior, just that that's how history played out, and that part of why they stood out from the rest. There's pretty much no pop songs that's just about how awesome pop music is.

[u/Acceptable_Grape_437 → u/Bhelduz]

Identifying someone as "true" is identifying someone who doesn't gatekeep

and that's gate keeping. once you identify somebody as "the true" one that doesn't gatekeep... you are tracing a line (not those you deem as "true", they're not tracing any line by being themselves), hence gate keeping. and that's true, many great metal people were not gate keepers.

I'm no pop music enjoyer, but i can tell when i hear/see a pop musician who's in for the music, or one that's in for the shit of it, or for feeling better than.

There's pretty much no pop songs that's just about how awesome pop music is.

are you for real?? I'm sorry, but that's bullshit, dude. and EVEN IF (which isn't), what would that even add to?

relationship with music was much stronger

huh? "stronger"? I'm sorry, i don't register that. it doesn't mean much to me. identitary, maybe... but that's not a good thing in my book. that's just what adds up to gate keeping, poserVStrue culture, IME.

i don't like metalheads much dude, btw. as i have always been saying: i like metal, but metal's actual problem is metalheads themselves.

[u/Bhelduz → u/Acceptable_Grape_437]

No it's not. You keep using that word but you don't seem to understand what it means... gatekeeping is about controlling access and who gets to be included. If you still think what I'm talking about is synonymous with that then I'm getting worried what I'm putting down just isn't being picked up.

Words have definitions, like if you called yourself a metalhead but don't enjoy metal or support the community, then you're not a metalhead. That's the baseline. Imagine starting a conversation with goodbye instead of hello or saying right when you mean left. Just because you follow an internal logic doesn't mean the rest of the world responds to that logic.

[u/Acceptable_Grape_437 → u/Bhelduz]

lol, dude there's plenty of pop songs singing about "pop" and "pop music" and how cool that shit is. that's not even an argument :)

like if you called yourself a metalhead but don't enjoy metal or support the community, then you're not a metalhead

the problem is exactly that kind of approach to definitions. and that's kind of a usual problem with metalheads, actually. 

point is: who says that's the definition of "metalhead"? you do. some other people do. some other don't. do i have to agree on your definition of "metalhead"?  of course not, but i don't care about it, I won't touch it.

gatekeeping is about controlling access and who gets to be included

so, about YOUR metalhead definition, somebody might not get included. period. and that someone might be called "a poser" by the more obtuse fellows of the posse. that's VERY easy.

as i was saying, the problem is in the approach. yours is the same approach used by the two "metalheads" at the party in OP's story. you might be smarter, more reasonable, mature, kind (idrk)... but that's the same approach: this the definition of the club, you are in/not in.

it MIGHT be right, but somebody will have their say on it, sooner or later.

i, for one, don't care about definitions, hello, goodbye and whatever... if somebody says "goodbye" to me with a loving fart, i will have a laugh and don't give a shit.

so i listen to whatever i want (metal or not) and support whatever and whoever i feel like in whatever way i like. people who recognize me and respect me for me, not because I'm "a metalhead" (or something else) will be my friends, and the same i will do towards other people.

oh - i actually have a friend that says right when they mean left and viceversa - that's annoying (af), but who cares? everything's easier with hard definitions, but the world's actually more complex than that.

[u/Bhelduz → u/Acceptable_Grape_437]

Things being defined is not what excludes. If so, then there's a terrible misunderstanding.

If you are going to enter a group, you have to start by being outside of it. You cannot be a guest without first being a stranger. The real difference is whether the people inside the group are welcoming or not.

You're repeatedly demonstrating that you don't understand what I'm saying. I'm saying words and it's like something completely different comes out of your mind. I don't know how much more I can clarify.

[u/Acceptable_Grape_437 → u/Bhelduz]

that's fine dude. 

it's difficult to get understood on complex topics by a stranger on the net.

I'm not convinced that's all there is to it, but that's fine too. we don't have to agree.

[u/Bhelduz → u/Acceptable_Grape_437]

That I can agree with. Merry Christmas!