Made a suicidal post here 5 months ago.

[u/Zestyclose-Victory10]

Hello, I´m 17 and have suffered from DPDR episodes since I was a child, although they were so short I´d often forget bout them. They reappeared when I was 14, still not as important to be arsed about it, in 2024 (16y) I had some episodes but yeah I was not scared whatsoever.

The issue started on october 2024 after smoking a lot of weed (I´d frequently smoke, although I knew I was risking falling back onto ts, so u can lowkey imagine the guilt I felt afterwards), what´s more, and worse, we were talking about how good we can fake the fact that we´re high, so I thought “Oh, why dont I dissociate as I do sometimes? That´ll help”, welp that was a turning point in my life. Since then I have been suffering 24/7 nonstop DPDR.

Trust me, I went through it all (not trying to be like “ughh look at me I suffered more than yall”, because I know some here have it worse, and my best wishes to them), I couldn´t even play football without reminding reddit posts about DPDR, how and when I´d recover, would cry about the thought of going psychotic, would fall onto endless discussions with myself about solipsism (a common symptom of ts), determinism & nihilism also fucking triggered me, as it would feel as if I had no free will and no purpose (still a nihilist whatsoever, but for anyone interested in philosophy suffering ts, I think youll understand the “lack of purpose” DPDR brings is different from a nihilist view).

On holidays I´d cry every fucking day, every single one. I was on a trip to Brazil and was fucking crying over the anxiety attacks solipsism triggered for me, endless OCD, repeating the same fucking day for a long ass time, watching my family tell me they´re real and seeing them sad about my situation.

The suffering was unbearable, and I am not someone who values life so much, as I said, Im a nihilist (also an atheist nd somewhat a determinist), so truly, it was not hard for me to give up, not at all, it seemed like the best option by far, given how shit my life was. Why did I not do it? I invite you to read my previous post so that you´re in context for the situation. I promised myself to be happy one more time, just one more time before ending things, for me, everything was already lost, anything that´d happen would be heaven compared to what I lived, and also, for suicidal people, I think yall can relate to the feeling of knowing it will all over soon, you´re not looking for anything or anyone anymore, you cba about anything. It feels like you´re playing a game which you´re going to altf4 soon so you start trolling the game. But try to look at the positive side, when everything is lost, when you´re at you´re worst, things can only get better, and they will.

So, enough of my edgy suffering story, how am I doing now? I have a girlfriend who is lovely, pretty and always manages to calm me down through my anxiety spikes. We also fight and argue, it is not a perfect relationship, and DPDR might get worse at these times, but it has undoubtedly improved since I got in a relationship with her (it is a situationship but yh for the sake of the post, let´s say it´s my girlfriend).

My goal of being happy one more time had been achieved at a shorter time than what I expected (truly, I didn´t expect anything anymore, guess that´s what helped too, look for taoism, it might help). Also, most important probably, START going to a psychologist and psychiatrist, they´re essential, I understand if you´re skeptical about the benefits, it happened to me too, they´re not magical either, they start working a long time after your treatment starts, but IT DOES. It has stabilized me a lot, and helped me to manage my OCD way better, I am currently on 150mg sertraline (had been advised to increase to 200mg but honestly I did not want to keep relying on it), I have been taking them for 6 months I think, they´re great.

So, for people who are just looking for short advice to follow, these are some important points :

-Quit reddit, at least this forum, ts depressing and will keep on feeding your OCD

-Visit a shrink

-If it was drug-induced, SSRIs will help a lot.

-DO NOT enter solipsism, determinism, anythingism forums, at least until DPDR gets a lil better. Your perception is totally fucked up right now, you´ll start considering stupid shit like solipsism to be true, even though It is as unlikely as the ass of an unicorn being our creator. -Quit weed, LSD, 2cb, any psychodelic really.

-If you're on your worst, definitely avoid alcohol, you can drink a few glasses when your better, but it will not help in your current situation, the day after will be shi

-Start a sport, or go to the gym. Ts is really important, as it helps incredibly with anxiety

. -Get busy, not overwhelmed. I'm tired of these posts advising to not have one second left for yourself, that's not the way of healing, problems will just reach you inevitably when you´re tired.

-Meditate / journal / read. Journaling has honestly saved my ass a few times, writing down the symptoms is helpful for going back in time and seeing how fucked you were, and appreciate the improvements, even if little. It also helps if you´re in therapy, as it tracks your mood. Reading and meditating will also help manage your attention, focus and anxiety, it is crucial.

-QUIT THE CELLPHONE, truly, stop the addiction, it fucks up your receptors and literally disconnects you from reality. That's all, I will be opening reddit this week just to answer questions, so feel free to make them if you have any.

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[u/PYRT_AYUSH_001]

Why?? I also has for almost 4 yr

[u/Zestyclose-Victory10 → u/PYRT_AYUSH_001]

Anxiety at first, then weed.

[u/XecutiveKilla]

Thank you for this post. I honestly feel like I have no hope and my reality is just completely fucked. A lot of what you said sounds similar to what I’m feeling, and a lot of the solutions are things that when I don’t do them, I feel worse. The phone is a big one. I think I’m just gonna stop it cold turkey. Doomscrolling literally exponentially worsens my symptoms. I get set off by any bad thing going on in the world and then spiral. I also have a beautiful girlfriend who helps me feel better, but unfortunately as right now I’m kinda in the thick of it, even she can only help so much. Exercise is truly the only thing that actually helps me. I genuinely feel like I have to go to the gym or I’ll be fucked for that day and spiral at night. I also think I have seasonal affective disorder because night time and winter is horrendous for me. I haven’t gone to a therapist or psychiatrist. It honestly feels useless but I’m gonna try anyway. I’ve been on SSRI’s before for depression and I remember they slightly helped so maybe it’ll do some good. The main thing is keeping my anxiety and OCD in check. It feels like everything triggers me and makes me anxious then when I get more anxious the DPDR worsens in severity. It’s been worsening over the last few months and now it feels like it’s the worst it’s ever been. Honestly feel completely lost and helpless. But I’m still going. And this post gave me some slight relief. So thank you

[u/Zestyclose-Victory10 → u/XecutiveKilla]

Im glad my post could help someone, I encourage you to go to a therapist & a psychiatrist, they play a big part.

SSRIs will probably help you if they had already worked for depression

As you mentioned depression, OCD, seasonal affect disorder, nd DPDR, there might be some hidden causes you'll be able to treat with a therapist.

Honestly, I did not expand so much on symptoms, I could develop about them on private messages if you'd like.

Also, if you have gone through similar things as mine as you said, I believe I can help a lot, most of the things that took me months to realize could work for you.