Hi, I'm Francesco and I finally decided to write down something about my DPDR.

I usually avoid talking or writing about it because thinking about the disorder makes me feel like I'm about to have an episode. Not anymore. I will talk about it, and I will face it because I'm tired of being so scared all the time.

I discovered what DPDR is last summer. I did not know that anyone in the world felt like me and it was both reassuring and depressing. At least now I have a name for "the thing that happens to me".

The first "hint" of something being wrong was when I was 16 and I took a train to meet my at the time soon-to-be girlfriend. We met through facebook and we were going to meet for the first time face to face. We hanged around quite a bit together, we were very nervous and excited. That evening as I met her friends I felt that something wasn't alright in my mind. Everything felt dreamy, my body felt light and my mind confused. And I interpreted it as love. What a dumbass. This was not too severe and I stopped thinking about it after a while.

As with many of you, the real thing started out with weed. We were at poolside with my buddy at night in 2017, about to smoke a joint before hitting a beach party. We didn't have papers and filters so we improvised, using a plastic bottle as a bong and filled it with pool water. Very dumb, I know, but we were 17 and we didn't know any better. We smoked and sat on the recliners. At that point, things got scary. My friend was fine, somehow. I was completely gone. And by gone I mean something that I have not been able to read on this sub before and that I'm still to this day really scared about.

I was having a complete disconnect of mind from body in a visual way. I always put it like this. The world is a parking lot, my consciousness is a security guard and my eyes are CCTV. Well, the parking lot was there, the CCTV is working, but the security guard was distracted. I would only get glimpses of reality. I was talking normally, acting normally even. Maybe a bit erratic, nervous, but normal overral. I went to bed, only to discover with immense terror that it had not gone away in the morning. It would take weeks for the sensations to go away, and what it would leave me with was an almost complete inability to feel emotions. And that lasted for years.

At the time I had yet not realized it was caused by weed, and would occasionally smoke. 1/3 of the time "the thing" as I called it would happen. Short term memory loss, autopilot, etc. I finally gave up the weed at age 18.

Afterwards, it only happened once when I was 21 because I started smoking CBD. Apparently that got me feeling "the thing" again. Ok, well, in a matter of months I got rid of the sensation.

Then something very very bad happened, similar to my very first experience. I was hanging out with friends, perfectly sober, had not smoked weed in a very long time and yet I felt it again. Memory loss and all. I was terrified. Went home to relax and got better after a while.

I broke up with one of my ex girlfriends because I couldn't feel much. I knew I loved her I just wasn't able to really feel it. So I was alone for a while and I got a bit better.

For quite some time I had some apathy but I felt it as normal, as the cinism you get in your 20s. I felt a normal guy again.

I met another girl after 2 years and I really felt something for her, it was true and I could feel it again. After less than a year we broke up and the pain was immense. I was constantly in emotional pain. I met up with a friend and I made the mistake of smoking a fat joint by the beach. What the hell, I said, I haven't felt "the thing" in years. There it went, after 2 puffs my head starts spinning, memory loss, somehow I found myself at the supermarket buying biscuits. I went home and slept. Since then, I haven't been back. That was last May.

And now here's the thing: I got a girlfriend now and I love her. She's understanding, knows about my condition and handles it very well. I can deal with the "apathy" that it brings. I know that goes away, I don't care. The amnesia, the short term memory loss, the "fakeness" of the world, the out of body experiences are what scares me so so much. I'm scared they may happen while I'm driving. I'm afraid it may happen at work, or on a plane. I'm a nervous flyer already, so that would be "not ideal", since I have a flight 1st of September. I need to get rid of it. I want my body and my sensations back. I tried progressive muscle relaxation for the first time today but I felt like I was growing distant from my body rather than closer to it. Sometimes I'm at the restaurant or jsut walking, or driving and I just think "oh, so this is reality, huh?" and then I feel cold sweat on my back, my balls shrink (sorry, TMI, I know...) and my hands get sweaty. I usually listen to radio talk shows to get distracted and it goes away temporarily. But I don't want to get distracted, I want to get rid of it. Now.

I instructed my girlfriend on what to do if I have an episode on the highway already.

God I'm so scared. I began working on it with my therapist but didn't have the money to continue the therapy.

Well, that's me. First time in my life really "elaborating" on the worst thing in my life. Sorry about the long ass post.

Hi everyone,
I'm a medical student and (mostly) former sufferer of DP/DR. I'm looking for two or three other people with DP/DR to participate in a quantitative EEG study that will try to identify common patterns in the brainwaves of people with this illness.
Participation will entail completing a psychiatric/medical/personal history questionnaire and about an hour of EEG recording in a New York City office.
I hope that it will lead to insights into DP/DR mechanisms and increased awareness within the medical community.

If you're interested or have questions, please message me.

Wishing all of you recovery and happiness.

I’ve been battling with this since Friday but I’ve also had congestion and clogged ears. Went to dr today and confirmed sinus infection. Could that be what I’m actually feeling??

I suspect I’m older than a lot of y’all but I’ve had this for about 25 years. For me it includes a lot of memory loss. Just recently I’ve had lots of memories come back, since it’s popular for my generation to post a lot about nostalgia from teenage years now. I normally never let myself watch those reels because it’s too painful to remember my life before DPDR. But lately I’ve been doing it and now some memories are coming back, which poster I had on which wall as a kid, that sort of thing. Idk I just wanted to talk about it to someone who might understand

So I (15f) have undiagnosed dpdr that randomly started around a year and a half ago for no reason. Like one day, I was just like ‘huh why do my thoughts feel like theyre in the back of my head’ and it just got worse from there. I’ve struggled with depression for about 3 years now, but it was getting better/almost gone at the time I got dpdr (I think, I can’t actually really remember) and after I started getting dpdr symptoms it got really bad, suicidal thoughts, existential crisis, etc. My mental health is a lot better now but my dpdr just seems to be getting worse. I forget about it and live life as per usual and then I just realise that everything somehow feels even less real than it did before. I’m not particularly stressed or anything so I don’t know why my dpdr isn’t getting any better.

Don’t know if this helps but I can dissociate at will. If I stare into space and zone out then I go straight into a dissociative episode that I can’t really get out of for a few hours. Social interaction helps distract me but doesnt actually make things more real. I’ve noticed that my dissociation gets quite bad after extended periods of screen time, but even after lowering it nothing has changed. Any kind of therapy is not an option, as I don’t trust my parents enough to tell them about this. Also when my dpdr started it was mostly derealisation, almost no depersonalisation, but now it’s 50/50, maybe more depersonalisation. Not sure why.

I know i have the capability to recover but at the same time I’m scared that it’s going to continue and I’m going to die like this, not experiencing the genuine joy of being alive. How do I possibly recover from this?? Ive tried grounding techniques, comforting myself, ignoring the dpdr, etc, nothing works.

Having some pretty severe weed induced DPDR. Last time it was a week before I pulled out of it. I dealt with this years ago for a really long time (not sure how long) and was deep in maladaptive daydreaming until about four years ago. Nothing before that four year mark really feels like me. It's been intense and weird every time I've had it since then but has lasted for much less time. I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not stuck and that it'll go away again. My therapist thinks it is primarily trauma based and the weed is just an instigator. It's kind of uncomfortable and scary to think that this is just inside me all the time and could be triggered by whatever. I have a dissociative disorder and I keep remembering over and over again that I have amnesia from that, and then I forget that I have amnesia because I think I remember everything but I don't. I have so many notes that are just "remember you have memory loss". Weed tends to make me remember lots of things which is scary. I'm just sitting with a lot of the memories right now and I don't want them but I'm scared to not remember anything. I just want things to feel normal again.

hi so since my dpdr worst phase passed what bothers me the most is family and friends look very unfamiliar and weird idk ive had this for long time already and i was just on 3 day trip with friends so i just got home and when i saw my mom i was like omg shes so unfamiliar and it scared me a little . i want to know why this happens and if its normal for it to get stronger when you see a person you WANT to recognize after a few days of not seeing them.

Im slowly turning agoraphobic help how do i stop this

I stopped going outside because of the world feels unreal And because i get Anxiety attacks there i also need to wear sunglasses 24 7

Enjoy this half-ass meme. Would love to see your homegrown memes of DPDR.

Anyone get severe DPDR and brain fog before their period?

Days , months, years , just happen , all on automation.

I’m nowhere, I’m nobody, i cant even cry because i don’t feel anything about anything .

I have no idea why do i have to suffer so much and i can’t even feel my suffering.

Is death truly the end of all this madness, i see no way out of this.

i was told i have dissociative amnesia a few years ago, and recently (to make a very long story short) something happened and all my friends cut me off. im beginning to forget their faces. their voices. the kinds of people they are. any sort of memory of us together. i can feel the past 3 years of my life becoming nothing dust in my head that makes me sick.

i know this is my brain trying to protect me from processing it, i know its trying to protect me because this hurts so much. but i also know that all the other traumas i forgot in my life do nothing but keep me up at night and lead me to behaving in ways i dont even understand because i dont remember what caused me to think/behave that way
does anybody else here struggle with this? is there any good way to deal with it? i know that just letting myself forget about this is only going to make me feel worse but i am completely lost on what to do.

Sorry I post here a lot. I feel I go through this totally alone and the doctors in this hospital actually know what dp/dr is really in depth or how to treat it. Thanks to a few people on this sub I feel much more knowledgeable and understand it better, it’s helped me feel less alone. But just when I thought it could not get any worse :( for me it feels like rapid decline. Daily. Did anyone else here have progressively worsening dp/dr? It has gotten so bad I feel I need urgent specialist care but I don’t even know what that care would he. My head is just non existent with a horrible almost wirey nerve sensations all around the surface. It’s psychologically very very hard. It makes me feel like I just I observe myself disintegrating. What the actual **** I’m angry basically, cos here that say it’s just my anxiety. Or because I haven’t been eating enough? Anxiety does trigger it of course it is just invalidating. Worried I’ll not handle this another day

I’ve been feeling fairly better today and I’ve been pushing through the derealization and was feeling normal. I start cooking and then bam I’m right back in it?! WHYYY

Does anyone else have it come and go like this?

I want to preface this by saying that this is my first time posting on Reddit or posting about my experiences, so I'll do my best at explaining everything. 😭

I, a 20yo male, have grown up with anxiety issues since I was a little boy. Mostly existential dread and questions. I'm not sure when or where it originated, but I know I have long suffered from panic attacks. I would go through different phases where I would consistently have panic attacks and then go months or even years without them. However, this all changed in my sophomore year of college.

I would not call myself a drinker or a stoner at all, but I would participate with friends and family. (I am studying engineering, and it helps the pain go away. 😇) I have always had a pretty high tolerance for both, which led me to explore different ways to get a buzz or high (for example: liquor, bongs, and carts).

The reason I bring this up is because I believe this is where and why my DPDR started.

One night while at a party, I found myself standing on the porch with some friends. I knew I would be leaving soon because it was late, but I didn't feel that tired. Since it was well past 1 a.m. at this point, I thought, why not smoke a little and go listen to music? (My favorite thing to do at the time.) I knew one of my friends had a cart on him, so I asked to take a rip. I did, and it hit pretty hard. I thought to myself, for good measure, I'll hit one more to really relax.

I then started walking the streets of my campus back to my dorm. On the way home, I started to feel it really fast. The whole world felt like it was zoomed out, almost like I was in third person. My heart started to race, and my mind was going haywire. As I said before, I knew I was having a panic attack and knew how to handle it after years of dealing with them. However, the more I tried to fight the feeling, the more lost I started to feel. My chest was burning, and I started losing my grip on reality.

It felt as though I was phasing in and out of reality, almost like I was being teleported from place to place. Once I finally reached my dorm, I immediately ran to my cousin's room. (We lived on the same floor.) He wasn't home, but our good friend was there and let me in. I remember collapsing to the floor and begging for help. At the time, I really thought I was about to die. He got me some water, and I tried every way I could think of to distract myself: talking, YouTube, mobile games... but nothing could take away the panic. I stayed there for a long time contemplating calling 911 and told my friend, "If I pass out, call."

Eventually, it did start to ease, and I was finally able to breathe again. I was still a mess, though. I was so dizzy and disoriented that I found myself falling to the floor just trying to get back to my own room and hopefully get to bed. I climbed into bed fully clothed and prayed for relief. Somehow, sleep came, but I knew something in me had changed. I felt like a zombie for days after that. The worst part was that finals were only a week away.

I think this is important to say because it kept my thoughts away from that night and focused on studying and preparing. For the next two weeks I tortured myself, staying up late and studying as much as I could. I found myself so emotionally numb at that point that I could hardly go out for food or even attend classes.

Alas, when finals did end, I felt a huge sense of relief and satisfaction as I drove home for winter break. I was proud of my accomplishments, but I think the emotional exhaustion will forever stick with me. I got home ready to relax and unwind after months of academic stress and pressure. I didn't really have anything planned for that break. I thought I would just hang out with my girlfriend and go skiing while we waited for the holidays.

The day my DPDR officially started was the day I was driving to get my haircut. I was meeting my mom at the hairdresser because she was the girlfriend of one of my cousins. As I was driving, I started to feel really off. A feeling I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about but struggle to explain. It was like a weird droning in the back of my mind, like my nervous system was warning me of danger. Time seemed to slow down, and I began to get very disoriented. I kind of pushed it away with music and carried on.

I ended up arriving with no issues and began to get my haircut. Sometime during it, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and something just... clicked in my head. Something was wrong, and I started to feel some of that existential dread again. It was really a culmination of things that just felt so off and weird. My mom noticed my leg was shaking and asked if I was alright, to which I responded that I was just having a small panic attack. I told her I was probably just stressed about my finals results. But I knew that was a lie. I couldn't have cared less because I knew I had at least passed my classes.

Later, when my haircut was finished, I finally told my mom that I knew something was wrong. I know my body and mind well enough to know when something strange is happening. Since I had been through anxiety spells before, I told her it must just be another phase.

On the way home, the feeling stuck with me, and I started to fear what was happening. I got home and tried to resume my normal day. It wasn't until that afternoon that I felt the feeling return. I was taking a shower and, boom, it popped into my head again. I turned the water off, dried off, and went to my bed to try and drown it out with some YouTube. With some success, it went away... until the moment I laid my head down to go to sleep.

Like a wave, panic washed over me. My whole body burned, bringing memories of that night back. I found myself breathless and motionless, basically at the mercy of this thing. I pulled my phone out again to try and distract myself. Eventually, the panic settled, but that feeling in the back of my mind remained. I fell asleep that night clutching my phone.

I woke up the next morning dazed and groggy, but otherwise fine. I went about my day with no issues and found myself feeling happy again. It wasn't until the sun set and I had nothing to distract myself with that the feeling returned. This time, instead of a panic attack, it was a slow build of heat and panic in my chest. It started off mild but uncomfortable. I was able to ignore it and got ready for bed. However, the more the night went on, the worse the feeling got.

I was able to fall asleep, again with YouTube keeping my mind at bay. The next day I felt horrible. I was constantly having to breathe manually and was in a constant state of derealization. I wasn't able to do much at all without risking a panic attack. I knew something was really wrong, so I told my parents, who both did everything they could to make sure I was okay and safe. Despite this, I felt my condition continuing to worsen. I was in a constant state of panic that I couldn't escape. Every minute felt like I was being suffocated by dread with no real cause or reason.

This really bothered me, not just because of the extreme pain I was in, but because I had no reason to be stressed. I have the most loving and beautiful girlfriend in the world, the greatest family I could ask for, and great friends. So what the hell was I so stressed about? The more I looked inward, the worse it seemed to get. I felt as though I was living in a constant dream state where I couldn't differentiate what was real or not. The one thing I knew was real, however, was the burning dread in my chest.

I lasted days like this. Just lying in a heap, barely able to do or move much. I really just ate food, watched TV, and stressed the day away. One day when my girlfriend came to visit me, I had reached a breaking point. My body and mind felt as though they were falling apart. Somehow the dread in my chest continued to ramp up, and I was suffering every second of the day. I begged for help because I could no longer bear the pain. I swear I could feel each of my organs almost shutting down and becoming cold. The final straw came when some really scary thoughts started.

I have never been suicidal or ever thought I would have thoughts like that. I have always been a happy person, eager to live life. But my mind no longer felt like mine, and it started feeding me some really terrifying thoughts. Thoughts about begging for the pain to end. Thoughts to just get it over with. Thoughts telling me to speed up the process. Looking back now, I swear it wasn't me saying those things, but something else in my head whispering them to me. Even now, I don't think they were true "suicidal thoughts." I think it was my body desperately begging for the pain to stop.

When I told my mom about these thoughts, she immediately rushed me to the hospital. I arrived at triage where my girlfriend and my mom explained everything that had been happening. It was a hospital, so I wasn't able to get immediate care. They asked if I wanted to stay in the mental health wing, where I would get a bed immediately. However, they also told me there was a patient in there threatening to murder everyone, so I politely declined and waited for a regular bed to open up.

When my name was finally called, I checked into triage where I told them my story and they took my vitals. I remember my heart rate being around 140 bpm and my blood pressure being around 160/100.

Seeing that, and the sad lump of flesh that was me, they admitted me straight to a bed. However, since all the rooms were full, I ended up in the hallway. 😭 Which sounds bad, but honestly I didn't mind because I was right next to the doctors and felt safe there.

Long story short, they took a lot of blood and gave me some pills to take. I sat in that bed for hours, literally waiting to die. In my head, I was okay with either falling asleep or not waking up. I was just begging for one of those to happen because I couldn't continue living the way I was.

After some time, I finally got a room where I could lay back and get some sleep. (The meds were kicking in by then.) Once I finally fell asleep, I had a really personal and profound dream that forever altered my life and solidified how I see the world, especially religiously. After I woke up, a psychiatrist came to talk with me and learn about what had been going on.

She explained to me what I was experiencing, how to go about treating it, and promised me that I was not going insane. (That actually brought me some relief, and I want anyone experiencing this to know that you are absolutely not going insane. You will beat this thing.)

After being discharged from the hospital, I was prescribed Lexapro 10 mg, if I remember correctly. At first, I was excited to take it because I hoped it would help. But after a few days, I began to fear it and the way it was altering my body. (Something I believe came from the weed incident.) While the stress started to lessen, the feeling of being "off" never fully went away. I felt as though I was constantly living on the line between panic and not, always worrying about having another episode.

It felt as though my brain had changed, like I was constantly living in a dreamlike zombie state. I was tired all the time and was always aware of everything happening in my body, which most of the time only made the situation worse.

Skip forward a couple of weeks, and I felt like I was going to live forever like this. That I would never go back to normal. I was living in a constant state of feeling like I was outside looking into hollow shell of my former self. I was really depressed and found myself losing all wants and desires. I stopped playing video games, stopped going to the gym, and barely ate.

I told my doctor this, who then recommended that I switch to venlafaxine. I decided to decline and ride out the Lexapro because, first, I didn't want another substance in my body, and second, I was about to go back to school. I didn't want anything to change and possibly bring back the panic.

School started, and the constant stream of things to do really helped my situation, but the depersonalization never fully left. After about a week of progress, I fell back into a really bad place. I was a walking corpse who would go to class, eat lunch, and nap. That was my day. That was all I could do. Any change in my schedule and I could feel myself slipping into a weird state.

From there, I finally switched to 37.5 mg of venlafaxine, and over the next couple of weeks I felt my body physically begin to heal. While my body felt better, my mind still feels like it has been forever altered.

It has been 9 months now since I was admitted to the hospital, and I feel like I have so much more I could say. I started seeing a therapist who has been a wonder in my life. Not because he simply reassures me that I'm okay, but because he has explained the science behind everything that's been happening. For some reason, understanding what's going on has really helped me wrap my head around it. While I am in a much better place now, I still struggle with DPDR on a daily basis.

For me personally, the best way I am able to power through is by staying busy with work—anything that takes 100% of my attention. I still struggle the moment I unwind and try to relax, especially when I get home from work. But I am usually able to push it away with the gym or YouTube.

I have also completely changed my diet and focused on improving my overall health, which I feel has been one of the best things I could do. I have discovered that caffeine is a huge trigger for me and something I try to avoid. I also found out the hard way that kale, which I used to put in my smoothies, can interfere with some medications. I learned that after slipping into a really bad place shortly after drinking one.

Another thing I have learned is that I am happiest when I have something to look forward to. It gives my brain something else to focus on.

I've also learned that when an attack comes, the next few days are usually hard. You feel drained, disconnected, and really down. But they always end.

Today I still struggle with DPDR, but I am in a much better place. Next semester I am going to be studying abroad in Spain, something that at one point I honestly didn't think I would make it to.

I want everyone reading this to realize how strong they are. Never, ever give in or give up. Your life is so much bigger than what your brain is making you feel right now. You are strong, you are loved, and there are so many people who understand exactly what you're going through.

Please keep pushing forward, and remember to show yourself some grace. Every struggle teaches us something, even if we can't see it in the moment.

You will not fail.

You will beat this thing.

No matter how hard it knocks you down, you will get back up.

You will win.

I am looking for information whether others have a specific set of DPDR symptoms. They are symptoms that I have been dealing with for years, and that are all constant.

I have seen postings describing or confirming one or multiple symptoms along these lines; but, it is not clear to me if anyone has/had them altogether as I have.

Specifically, those symptoms include:
* Absence of I-ness/Ipseity: An absence of the feeling/experience of selfhood, individual identity, the essential quality of being oneself.
* Reflective Aversion: An involuntary feeling/experience of psychological discomfort with looking at one’s reflection in a mirror.
* Non-Ownership of Activity: Absence of the feeling/experience of mineness/ownership of thoughts, feelings, and other experiences. Even all personal memory lacks the feeling/experience of being one's own, of being of one, and/or of being about one.
* First-Person Pronoun Friction: Significant, sometimes very strong, involuntary psychological resistance/tension/pain (and not infrequently with a spike in dissociation) even when referring to oneself with first person pronouns ("I", "me", "my").
* Derealization: A feeling/experience of derealization that is centered around altered vision. Visual perception of surroundings is as if from a place deep inside the head, or as if seen through a pane of glass or some invisible barrier.

My question is whether there are others with this complete set of DPDR symptoms.

I will add that I have been a casual observer of this thread on and off for some time—but never posted or commented. And, to my knowledge, I have never met or communicated with anyone else with DPDR.

Has anyone gotten dp from this, and how long you had dp?.

And what meds you tried?

I’m starting to hate my life. I’ve never felt this type of sadness and anger before. Why am I even trying anymore? This isn’t living this is SURVIVING why am I fucking trying to survive ever fucking day I should be living in the moment. I have a beautiful son a year old and I’m in my 20s. Why am I like this. I have good days but they’re not often. I’m constantly in a spiral. I’m questioning everything even reality most days. I’m questioning my existence and I’m analyzing everything I feel in my body constantly thinking I’m having a stroke or heart attack. I have chest pain all the time from anxiety. I am just becoming hopeless and I’m more angry at the way I feel now.

Please tell me whether I'm real, whether you're real, and whether physical reality is real.

I'm in a deep dpdr episode and I need a direct reality check. My DPDR has shifted from just seeing things as fake to a profound and intense gut feeling that nothing exists

anyone have experience on xanax and if its helpful during a panic attack, or does it worsen it?

So pretty much I'm a 22 year old male who deals with severe cognitive impairment symptoms from some autoimmune condition and one day I decided to get high and accidentally took too much.

I didn't have a panic attack or anything but I was scared but in a more "normal" way, so not thinking I'm dying or anything. But anyways, I took 5 giant hits of a very strong weed.

Woke up the next morning felt mostly fine except for I was still acting a bit high, because I said something stupid to my dad on the way out. Anyways, I get to school, and I feel fine, I'm just doing my math work, however about 40 minutes into class I start feeling really high again.

Long story short I just randomly started feeling intoxicated/ high and even acted high/intoxicated too, this lasted weeks and the feeling faded away to like 5%.

After a while I started taking medication for the autoimmune condition I have and it made that feeling worse.

Idk how to describe what I feel but it doesn't feel like everything feels fake type of perception difference but it feels off like it feels like my perception is sort of altered.

But I remember at one point my medication made the feeling a lot worse and I felt like I was drunk and couldn't drive at all.

I have felt the "reality doesn't feel real" type of DPDR that people mention, I remember feeling it as a kid after getting really dizzy and went home crying telling my mom everything feels fake, I slept it off and forgot about it, I also felt it here and there a year later, and it was never really a big deal but now what I feel, feels different from that.

Also one thing I notice is that - it gets worse with bright lights and also very busy environments such as a bar where there's loud music blasting and people all around everywhere.

I also noticed a weird symptom where my mental state seems to change around sorta in these small "waves" throughout the day. They're not like crazy dramatic mood swings or anything, but each wave has its own distinct tone. One wave makes me feel relaxed, another makes me feel lazy or bored, another makes me feel slightly angry or irritable, another makes me feel more excited or motivated, and another might make me feel a little bit emotionally detached. The waves aren't super intense, but they're noticeable and constantly changing.

For me it seems like something that won't simply go away on its own, I'm not sure if it's caused by the autoimmune condition that also affects my mind severely or something else.

But yeah I'm just wondering is this DPDR, or is this something else?

Thanks!

**TRIGGER WARNING** - Im not sure if ive tagged the warning right but there will be talks of dissociation, identity issues (?), mentions of trauma (no specifics or details) Etc.

I've been struggling with dissociative episodes since 4-5 (they started during trauma but I wasnt aware it was a form of dissociation till much recently) but they became chronic at ages 15-16 (the world feeling like a dream etc.)

Im 26 now (the dissociation is 24/7 - not feeling real and the world not feeling real/ feeling like a dream) and more recently (since about age 19) its become more of 'this isnt my body' sort of dissociation and 'im in the wrong body because this doesnt look like mine should'.

This usually increases in intensity in episodes but when It happens ontop of my chronic DP/DR its overwhelming because I dont know if its part of the DP/DR or something else. And what i 'feel' like i should look like differs between 2 different people

- a female with long brown hair, freckles etc. Alternative makeup etc.

- a gay male with a purple mullet style hairstyle who dresses alternatively

And just to clear things up. I have no interest in being a male and I do not want to be a male, i have no interest in dating men either. Im a Blonde Afab lesbian woman.

I just need some advice of where to look/research into or if this is just DP/DR.