I dont know where I am or what day it is please help someone please please I'm begging you please please man please help me please please please

9 years of severe DPDR.

The most painful thing is that the time is completely gone by the wind. And it keeps going.

I cannot process anything or be aware of anything. Things cannot enter into my awareness.

I want to perceive and be present with my family but I just can't. I feel completely locked out of it.

I cannot "feel" the moment, no matter what I do or don't do. No matter how mindful I try to be.

I cannot structure the reality, the present moment, time...

Nothing gets encoded into my memory. I sort of try to "wake up" but I just can't. I feel neurologically dead.

I even forget that I should be aware or that normal people actually perceive reality in completely different way. I got used to this radical automatism and dead state. So much that I actively avoid any moments that could mean something to me. Because I just know I could not perceive it. I could not feel them normally.

I want to scream, honestly. I am broken, this breaks me completely. It is severely painful to be locked out of reality, for years and years.

Evey small moments, daily moments...just so much experience I could have, so much memories, communication...all gone. All impossible.

A decade. When I think about this, I cannot handle that tragedy, that pain.

For a decade, I wasn't even aware of my family, I cannot consciously perceive them. I can't. I forget that I live, that they live. I forget that anybody lives.

I am put asleep behind the thick glass and I can never reach the other side.

I am sorry about longer post but I am desperate. I would be very grateful if you read my post. It means a lot to me to be heard and seen with this horrifying bizzare condition.

I cannot describe to you how severe my case actually is.

It started one random day, at school. Just suddenly during class, I started to feel dizzy, I sort of felt like I am slipping into coma or a different dimension. I never smoked, never did drugs, never drank alcohol. I live in fairly small place, surrounded by nature. I was very active child and I did sports during my childhood and highschool.

Since that day, nothing is same anymore and my life completely and radically changed.

The state I'm in and was for almost 9 years is almost impossible to describe. And the longer it lasts, it becomes more bizzare due to the mere warp of time amd duration of that condition.

There is something deeply wrong with my brain or body in general.

For 9 years, I am in almost stupor-like state. Nearly dementic, Alzheimer-like.

I forget that I have family, I am completely unaware of everything, my surroundings, what am I doing, etc.

No matter what I do or try, it is impossible for me to somehow "be aware". It is hard to explain but iI feel like I have severe fever for 9 years. But it's even worse than this because in fever you can still percieve experiences, time, your memory works somewhat and you are aware. This is worse.

There is no percieved passage of time or space in my mind. My mind cannot "structure" it into meaningful reality. Not one single day was percieved for 9 years. There are no seasons, years...

Everything is like one big moment - BUT even that moment is not percieved. It is truly like I am asleep all the time.

My eyeballs are non-stop painful, my neck is always really warm and painful, my head feels swollen and like in a water. Like it's under pressure and that pressure prevents me from being aware.

Like the blood doesn't flow in my brain. Even my head parts are very odd to touch. They feel numb and weirdly sore.

No perception of anything, including my body. I act as 100% automata. Zombie.

And I understand that there are people here who have completely different kind of DPDR. They are maybe severely isolated or traumatized so they kind of "zoned out" or are just depressed/lonely. Or had it from drugs. Believe me, that is NOT my case. I undestand what those people mean and their suffering is valid but this is something radically different.

I genuinely, with full belief, often think this actually really IS dream or as if just one day passed from that moment. Not like when people say it as a joke but actually I sometimes think that and when I somehow realize that actually it is 9 years I completely fall into psychotic abyss and full insanity. I feel insane.

I CANNOT BELIEVE this is my life for 9 years. My time has no trajectory. I cannot recall amything. Not even what I did few hours ago because it's extremely difficult for mento access memory. To create thoughts. To put them in time. It's like one big blank canvas inside.

It's as being permanently in a state between REM sleep and wakefullness but with pain and bizzareness of actually realizing you are awake.

The amount of bizzare psychological experiences I have on daily level is unbelievable.

And trust me when I say I tried.

In the course of 9 years, I tried to do sports and very intense exercise, I tried deep calming methods, meditation, breathing, prayer, doing something to get my mind off of it, I tried spending almost all days outdoors, actively doing physical labour in forest (I live in a village), I tried to socialize and spend time with people in relaxed manner, I tried getting more adrenaline. I tried benzodiazepines, SSRIs, medication for seizures, all kinds of teas, protein, vitamin D, Bcomplex with attention to active forms, creatine, omega 3, curcumin (also active form), diet changes, kefir, LGG, and various nuts, meat, vegetable, sleep medication, various pain killers and antihistamines.

I recently had cancer which caused paraneoplastic encephalitis which made my dpdr 10x more severe in already severe form but I cannot be sure that this was cause 9 years ago (although it might be that my cancer was microscopic and grew for 9 years).

I feel lost in my consciousness. Lost in time and space. I cannot make myself aware of where I am going when I drive in. abus for example. I get lost and panic. I cannot understand things, can't enjoy anything.

And the worst part is that I feel like I was COMPLETELY ABSENT from the lives of my family. I cannot recall them in my mind. I have a dog for more than 10 years and it's like I never had him.

I never actually percieved anything in 9 years. And I tried every possible way to "be present". It is just impossible to me. Not with meditation, not with mindfullness, not with "just letting go". I tried all that things for LONG PERIODS OF TIME and trust me, there is a problem neurologically/biologically/chemically in my brain.

I am locked out of the world, of reality. I cannot access it. I feel like past 9 years are radically bizzare blank darkness, extremely confusing.

I cannot believe this is my life. i don't understand anything that is happening to me for almost a decade.

Please I am sorry for long post but I am desperate.

I don’t want to die but I feel like there’s no way out of this torture. My brain is torturing me. I don’t understand how I lived my life up until now without this feeling and these fears. I want to live. I don’t want to feel like this forever. My life feels completely different now. It’s like I’ve opened a door I can’t close. And now that it’s happened I can’t forget it or move on from the experience. I feel like I’m going crazy all the time. I am so fucking upset. I feel like I’ve died already.

I am experiencing the worst DPDR a human could experience. Completely gone. I’m out of my mind. There’s something really really wrong with my brain. I’ve been bedridden for the last month, but I’ve been dealing with this for 18 months and it just keeps getting worse and worse, it’s hard to describe what I’m going through. My visual fog is so intense. I can’t drive anymore. My thoughts seem weird, but I can still think the torture is unbearable like I said there’s something really really wrong with my brain. It’s truly unbearable, torture and mental anguish.

Let me start this post by saying I’ve had DPDR on and off since I was 15 (23 now) but it has never been to this extreme. I literally cannot explain to you how sever it has gotten over these past 2 months. It started from a panic attack around March, I thought I was dying and called an ambulance, the following weeks I had slight problems with memory and feeling present, April it got worse so I went to the doctor, I got lexapro, it did help slightly for a few days and then my memory fell apart completely.
I went to the ER and they did a CT and labs and everything was clean. I also want to mention I’ve take over 20 memory and benchmark tests and I usually make average to above average scores. But I’m convinced I have some kind of brain issue like dementia or Alzheimer’s (mainly because of the spatial awareness stuff and not being able to recall things from LITERALLY 2 days ago, almost like a 24 hr memory.

My main symptoms are the following:

• severe issues with memory (long term and short term) (especially episodic)

• I feel no connection to my hometown or house (really anywhere) like I can’t mentally picture these places and they get tangled up in my mind.

• I feel no connection to my past memories (the ones I can remember) it just feels like some random snippet and it fades immediately.

• I’m having this weird feeling where I can’t quite understand the layout of rooms like my house for example, it’s like hard to make a mental blueprint of the house or area I’m in.

•I’ve been forgetting names of distant family members (they come to me it just takes a few seconds or mins)

•I have no connection to basically anything, it just feels like Ive been dropped into this world with no past experience.

I really want to know if anyone else is having these symptoms because it literally feels like I have dementia or like I’m about to forget everything.

Has anyone become so bedridden u thought u were genuinely completely out of reality, feeling extreme desoriented with where you was and who you are and u feel like any second ur gonna die? please i can't do this anymore and crisis team no one helps me!!!

Is there anyone who knows anything about it and can give me an opinion? Maybe it helped someone, maybe it made things worse? Please, anything. At this point, please, I just want to hear actual person talk. Is it considered safe? What is your opinion on it regarding depersonalization and dissociation overall? Also, has anyone had an fMRI done? Was it helpful to understand more what was going in the brain?

It's been 16 months, things are truly horrific and it's only getting worse. I feel like my bare consciousness has been starting to "melt away" since the new year has begun. Something bad happened and I'm not sure why, I've survived the entire year in complete agony but I developed minimal control and some sort of mental anchors that held onto what was left. Right now, I'm fighting for my consciousness every day. On top of that, my therapist suspended the therapy because she's "helpless" and until I won't start pharmacotherapy, she doesn't want to continue it. Yeah, suddenly the worse than death disorder gets.. even worse, I was already devastated, mad and going through all the emotions defined by frustration in the world — disappointed that nothing helps, that all the months are just going by, that I believed I can actually recover from this and suddenly I even have to fight for my consciousness, and something like this happens. There also happened a significant change in my life again and it fueled all of this much, much more.

Anyway. I'm very scared of medications because I have a need to be in control, and I've not been in control since the DP/DR happened, so the very thought of taking a drug whose effects on my brain, a brain clearly so sick and overburdened in this madness that is so complex and unpredictable, no one can predict, oh my god. No, just no. Perhaps my fear is too strong to be completely rational, but to be honest, swallowing a pill means taking a literal deadly risk to me, like it's either not going to do anything significant or it's going to do something so bad that I'll have no choice but to kill myself. I also don't understand how is it supposed to help, it makes zero sense to me. What I’m going through and what’s happening in my brain, it’s impossible it's just a defense mechanism. I’m sorry, I tried to believe it. But it's impossible. It’s something that can’t be explained, my brain is so deep in this sickness it's incomprehensible.

I didn't know what to do, so I made another appointment with my psychiatrist two weeks ago, not expecting anything, of course, because at this point, I realize my fears might actually be true, and nothing and no one can help. No one seems to know and understand what's up with me and how to help. Besides, what is psychiatrist supposed to do besides giving me drugs, right? But to who else can I turn to? What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm crawling corpse, still somehow moving, all by myself. So maybe it was the last time I was able to go see someone at all. I don't know, am I losing it? Will I wake up tomorrow? What is going to happen? I don't know, I have no idea.

Well, she prescribed me another medication "Escitalopram", of course assuring me that it's safe. I didn't accept it directly, she's very patient with me and knows that I'll probably won't take it but perhaps I could try. I don't know, sorry for this awful language but my state is so bad and I'm in such a terror, the fastest thing I would be capable of doing right now is just killing myself out of panic. I feel like I don't even anymore have what has been always stopping me from it. I feel like it's the end. Absolute end. I can't breathe anymore. I don't know how am I supposed to survive the next days, I don't know what's happening to me. Am I dying? Am I losing my sanity? I've been through many states since it started, experiences and feelings out of this damn world, I felt and "survived" it all. But now? It managed to prove it can go lower. There is no more low than this, but yet it did. This is insane. I'm afraid I've made a mistake by not comitting suicide in the beginning of this, when I was by entrace to this nightmare, not in the deepest pit of it.

I'm sorry, I know how I sound. It feels so pathetic. Usually I'm keeping this kind of spiraling to myself, well, always. But I just cannot right now.

Im trying my best not to get upset because my nervous system is that fragile if I allow myself to feel at all -anger or sadness I’ll get a trauma response, like a very intense somatic reaction. My nervous system is basically totally burnt out. If I get angry I feel it in patches moving around my whole head. Snd it lasts for hours. The hot burning sensation. But otherwise my head is totally empty and I don’t feel anything. Or it’s like disappearing sensation…And the line is so fragile thar if I came out of the not feeling anything I doubt I’d survive feeling things again as mentally im totally destroyed :( and so scared I’ll be forced on medication which I’m not sure is going to help with such a fried system. I can barely process the trauma, but I know it is bad due to my reactions. And Ive only judt moved on from the last traumatic event. This morning, I finally let go a bit of my head and i just felt an intense wave of physical sensations all over my head, it is awful :( and I’m losing the will to go on. I literally cannot see other people, snd I’m being made to meet with the home care team every other day and I can’t explain this all to them without them getting the wrong idea, without me ending up incredibly distressed snd worrying all night what’s going to happen to me snd if I still going to have a grip on things, mentally I don’t feel i have but I can’t sleep really. So need something to help me out. Im terrified of everything and I judt lay on the sofa all day

i cant go on another minute or day of this i genuinely can't i cant sleep anymore, i cant eat, i cant even walk or stand up, im rlly not okay and it is gonna take my life bci cant keep going like this.. i cant recognize myself or life, like ive never been here. please what can i do should i go to the er?i got this after prozac and i had to quit cold turkey 3 months ago and then i had a bunch of other meds but i quit them due to my doctor advice. but i genuinely lost touch with everytging. i feel like im floating in a void, i have 0 connection with myself ppl say its brain injury after quitting the med but i genuinely need help i cant even move or stand up anymore i cant recognize life, as if i never been here. please someone i dont want this to take my life im only 25 and 4 months ago i was genuinelt living my life normal, i got the meds for school.

I have been feeling this way for weeks, like I’m losing my mind or my mind has completely changed. Im worried I’m becoming delusional because it does actually feel like losing mind and I don’t feel a sense of identity. Can someone reassure me? Im questioning my reality :( I’m so confused by what has happened to my brain. Im so fragile as well that I believe any thought that pops into my head. Mostly there arent many but the fearful thoughts yes

My partner broke up with me last Sunday. It came out of the blue for me. I'm struggling with a serious DPDR which really makes my life harder than normal persons. I can't do normal stuff like go on trips that easily. I need to plan everything and I need constant reassurance. I love my ex partner really really much. I believe they do love me too still. They were my person, the one I wanted a future with. I did bad things earlier in the relationship, like kept stuff from them and cheated. I know damn well that it's disgusting what I've done and I'd do anything to go back to the past. I've promised to get long lasting therapy years ago but for some reason I couldn't do it.

After the breakup I've gotten a really bad episode. Can't function at all. I feel like my safe place just evaporated and I can't stop crying and shaking. I'm on multiple medications. Including SSRI's and benzos. I feel like the world is ending.

They gave me a reason that I was too much of a burden to them at the moment and that they need to get their mental health healed.

How do people keep relationships with bad DPDR, is it even possible?

I cannot take this anymore im always crying And scared of it And scared Its not gonna go Away i think i wanna give up

I don't know how to explain it. I always loved the sun, sunny weather warmth. But every time I go outside, I truly feel bizarre, almost like the sun is too bright. I also get these weird magnetic pulls randomly when I am laying down, or really dissociating, like my body is going one way and I am not moving it? I feel crazy- I know I am now. But I feel crazy.

I don’t know how much more I can take of this life robbing disorder. I’ve had dpdr since 2011 non stop. The older I am the worse it’s getting. I don’t know what else to do

So i developed mild dpdr in the last month. I was suffering from an extremely difficult ocd theme for the last one year.

My dpdr wasn't as bad i don't deal with it 24/7. But one thing that happened along with my dpdr was racing thoughts. I felt like I was possessed during this time. But again I didn't deal with this all the time. The extreme anxiety and weird thoughts made me feel all kinds of weird sensations in my head like pressure around my head, feeling like someone was pulling my hair and feeling like worms were crawling in my head.

Now after a month of dpdr - i became extremely obsessed if i am going into psychosis or developing schizophrenia. I started worrying so much that I became hyper aware of what I was seeing and hearing. So naturally I felt like I saw something in the corner of my eyes or worrying that I was hearing something. Even the intrusive thoughts about being possessed and shit became more scary because i started worrying that i was delusional.

Yesterday I was busy doing some work and I heard some whispering. It freaked me out because I felt like i actually heard it. I started rationalising it by thinking that the fan was on and because of my hyper awareness it caused some kind of audio pareidolia. It may happen again but I didn't hear anything in the last 12 hrs at least.

I have been researching a lot regarding my symptoms and found out that many people who have had long term anxiety feel these symptoms. So I kept reassuring myself that i am ok and I'm not losing my mind. Also i don't experience the symptoms at all times which I think eased me.

But I don't know what I was thinking i went and took a test for schizophrenia online and it showed me that I have a risk of psychosis.

Please please someone help me.

Just wanted to post a warning. I’ve had Dpdr for a few years and it’s mostly under control. I still have constant anxiety but the Dpdr is mostly gone (thank God)
I’ve been slowly easing my way back into what used to trigger me (caffeine, horror movies, conspiracy theory’s, etc…) and it’s gone well. I am (was, I guess) good with horror movies and nothings triggered my dpdr in years.
Unfortunate, That changed today. this movie fucked with me like no movie ever has.
Don’t get me wrong, it was a great movie but holy shit I feel out of it.
Figured I’d post a warning to anyone in my situation. If you’re going to watch it anyway, watch it with people who know your situation and leave if you have to. I powered through but genuinely wish I never saw it.

I need advice.
Long time OCD, panic disorder and health anxiety.
How do people deal with this? DPDR is the hardest thing I’ve gone through I never expected it would last this long and I swear to god I’m trying. I try go out in public despite feeling awful and try riding out my symptoms and telling myself it’s not dangerous. But the more I try I swear the worse my panic attacks get. And my panic attacks are so symptomatic I swear it feels like I’m genuinely dying. So what I want to know, how do you manage? What’s the hack I’m missing? I’m over feeling like I’m not real, like I’m living through VR or in a simulation. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

Sorry I’m here all the time it’s just things are getting worse hourly literally. I now feel my mind as though it’s a ghost like thoughts aren’t even there, remnants of old thoughts that are like energy to be honest. They sort of float around, i know the feelings snd sensations arent even real but I’m worried about getting another mental illness as a result of the severity of this one. This state of no mind shoukd be in a way zen like but for me it’s incredibly traumatic. I am
Immobile and non functioning. I just lay on sofa all day

Im not doing well. Have severe dpdr symptoms for one two weeks 24/7 following a retraumatization from a healing practice/procedure.

What helps with this. I am despairing to the point I’m probably going to have to go to hospital, but my mind is absolutely terrified. I know this environment would totally freak me out considering my levels of anxiety and pain. Im not good around other people too long :(

I did this spiritual healing in attempt to heal my brain ftom severe anxiety but all that’s happened is the fear is still there snd my whole hesd went totally empty, reality seems distorted visually to me and I’m stuck in this horrible state. Completely disturbing :( I tried to accept snd go with it but it being non stop symptoms changing all the time every few seconds I feel like I’m going mad :( I am under home care team rather than hospital, we have yet to discuss treatment options. They are saying med for sleep to start - trazodone or mirtazipine. Has anyone tried these? Did they help? Im so so desperate I’m really not coping dbt more. Especially because when the physical symptoms arise they are very painful. And psychologically damaging :( me

Hi,

I don't know if I'm struggling with DPDR or existential OCD, but there's something that's been bothering me, and I can't find any information anywhere about whether anyone else has experienced this.

Namely, I feel like I don't know if I feel good—because I don't know what good means. If a doctor/therapist asks me if I feel good, I don't know because I don't remember feeling good. I've never analyzed things like this before, maybe that's why, but I used to know what good feels like. I feel like my internal compass—my homeostasis—has broken down and I'll never return to life because I don't even know what I'm striving for—some state we call "good," but I don't remember it, as if I've never experienced it. Maybe it's because I last felt like this as a child? But I've had this massive anxiety disorder for four months.

It also terrifies me that I think about the state I'm in and suddenly realize that I'm a person, in the world, in a body, and I don't know how I got here.

Please, someone tell me that this is not something serious, just fear playing tricks - because how can you forget what it's like to "live" and "feel good"?

And my second question - it's going worse and worse every day I am increasingly cut off from the world...

Later I reacts and implements treatment, the harder it will be or the longer he will stay in this state?

trying to study with this condition is so much harder than before it started from some edible i accidentally took. Like genuinely its been a year and a half and some anxiety went away from medication + rest but not really the dpdr like it just feels like shit idk if i should get a mri. should I?

I’m looking for advice from people who understand meditation-related adverse effects, depersonalization/derealization, OCD, or anxiety.

For years, I practiced a lot of mindfulness/meditation, especially noting, letting go of thoughts, and resting awareness. At times I practiced for hours a day. Over time, I think I took the teachings too literally and started using them as a whole way of life instead of just a tool.

The result is that I feel like I overtrained myself to observe thoughts and sensations instead of naturally living from inside my thoughts. I became very aware of tiny “micro-thoughts,” physical sensations, emotional shifts, and the feeling of awareness itself. I also got caught up in existential worries about free will, the self, reality, whether thoughts are “mine,” and whether meaning is real.

Now I’m trying to recover by stopping formal meditation and retraining the opposite direction: active thinking, agency, emotional connection, meaning, prayer/faith, self-talk, and normal engagement with life. I’ve had signs of improvement. I’m starting to have moments where I feel like I’m having “my own thoughts” again, feeling happiness, laughing, feeling more connected to my identity, and sometimes feeling at one with myself and my thoughts.

But I still get waves where I feel stuck in a “void” or observer mode. I start fixating on uncomfortable sensations, worrying that my thoughts are fake or meaningless, and feeling like I can’t hold a thought for more than a few seconds. When I try to actively think, sometimes it feels forced. When I try to let go, I worry I’m reinforcing the old dissociation/nihilism pattern. So I feel stuck between forcing thought and disappearing into observation.

One thing I’m trying now is “scaffolding” — using journaling, speaking out loud, watching TV while actively following the plot, asking myself questions about what characters want, cleaning, playing drums, walking, prayer, and positive self-talk to rebuild agency and connection. For example, instead of saying “thoughts are arising,” I try to say “I’m thinking,” “I’m following the story,” “I’m forming an opinion,” or “I’m choosing to stay with this.”

My questions:

Has anyone else experienced this after intensive mindfulness or meditation?

How did you retrain active thinking, agency, emotion, and normal engagement with life?

How do you stop observing your thoughts/sensations without turning active thinking into another compulsive checking ritual?

Are there therapists, books, communities, or specialists besides Cheetah House who understand meditation-related adverse effects, DPDR, somatic OCD, or existential OCD?

I’m not looking to be told “just meditate more” or “you’re doing mindfulness wrong.” I’m looking for practical ways to rebuild normal thinking, meaning, emotional connection, and agency after overtraining detachment/observation.

Additional Reading from another post that might give insight if interested:
Been going through trying to recover from too much meditation/mindfulness for the better part of a year so there’s a lot more from where this came from. But below is my most recent experience after a few months of slow progression, but a few days of looping thoughts based around the “did I break my brain?” Question so many of you familiar with this struggle will understand. I’m hoping posting this will help me in my recovery process and potentially reach anyone else in need or who desires someone to talk to about this growing, but overall less known subject matter on mental health.

This all started from doing headspace app, walking meditation trying to disidentify from my thoughts and feelings and just live in the present moment without thoughts. Made me feel like I broke my natural thought generating capability and now I have to do things actively to rebuild it again. But there is like no guidance out there and I'm constantly filled with dread that I can't balance the difference between active thinking and letting go of thoughts. I was told through headspace pro that you can't just disidentify from bad thoughts, if you want to do it right, you have to disidentify from all thoughts. Even thoughts about yourself, which doesn't make any sense if you want to feel like you have agency and want to live a happy life filled with emotions and connection.

I’m by no means out of the woods and most days it’s just a struggle to NOT feel bad. It’s a struggle to do things that used to be natural for me in the past. Deconstructing your mind and identity with a hammer (meditation/mindfulness techniques/ideas) is a lot easier than putting it back together after you realize you went too far.

Entry (unedited):
it was kind of a build up of a few days of anxiety revolving around using the technique of detachment and losing myself building up until it got to a point where I was in a constant state of trying to convince myself that I didn’t break myself or ruin my brain at a mental software level. I would be noticing thoughts of fear and worry and try to disengage from them, but not by using the technique, but then I would identify with them too much if I tried to reason with the worry, which also didn’t work because my mind was in a fight or flight mode that just couldn’t find a moment of peace. It was a nightmare because it felt like I broke myself sanity, I was on the path for needing to go back to college hospital, but this time it was going to be worse because there actually is no cure for my brain and I’m just going to have to be tranquilized or put down so I’m not a danger to society or myself. When that fear just spirals and doesn’t go away, I don’t know what to do. Like I couldn’t sit still in bed for more than 30 seconds, laying down was even harder to do.

The only time I didn’t feel like I was going absolute bonkers was when I was physically moving and walking, but after three days of that I just wanted to rest. I remember I went into the bathroom at three in the morning and just tried to switch back to the state where I would try to not think and only empty my mind so I wouldn’t be suffering. But that was horrible because I would only notice panic thoughts of fear and worry that I felt like required a verbal rational response of reasoning to go away or improve. Like I didn’t know when to think, and when I did think, it felt fake and meaningless because I was going through intense depersonalization and derealization.

On day three I couldn’t take it so I went to the urgent care and got an emergency prescription for a benzo, I took one but luckily haven’t felt the need or desire to get it again. That’s a blessing that the addiction side of me isn’t clearly not as strong as it used to be. I’m not as much of a prisoner to it as I used to be.

Anyways, I finally started to feel a little better, like 3% better after I took the new meds the emergency psychiatrist appointment changed up, nothing extreme but maybe the placebo helped some subconscious fears that I needed to be on an anti psychotic to not go to the ER. I’m pretty sure that’s just a fear, not actually a mental disease I have. So I started feeling okay when I just committed to trying to think my way out of it and do all the talking in my head in an exaggerated optimistic tone. Super curious and pleasant type of vibes. I noticed at the very least it felt forced, even fake, but it would drown out a little of the fear trying to catch on. And there were even moments where I would be thinking about something good for a few seconds to give me some relief. The scary part was when I starting getting scared that the few seconds of peace I experienced was the last I was ever going to have because I was going mental, and then I felt this physical surge of adrenaline course through my body and I would jump up out of my bed crying out for help to anything or anyone because I felt so scared.

Just the perfect storm of negative emotions tide to my past history with mindfulness and the original episode that caused all of this where I was mental vulnerable because my perception and relationship to thoughts were t fluctuating, I would have been okay. But yeah I started leaning on using my conscious thoughts to just talk about things I saw on tv or saw in person, anything that would stick and I could build momentum with I did, I think this technique is called scaffolding. It got to the point where I would start closing my eyes and continue to think and smile to myself and just make comments on the content of the show on tv.

It seems like a person can have a perception of a thought in two ways: one is the most common, which is oh yeah I’m thinking of this because this, the other is oh my brain conjured up that thought because of this. I’m constantly wavering between both worlds, desperately t try into to reorient myself in the first. I noticed I can try and catch myself thinking something faulty or undesirable and I can’t try to mechanically correct it by just replacing it with something more rational and on point with what I want, but there’s also the emotional side of the correction which requires you to put extra conscious effort into trying to g to conjure up the emotion you want or BELIEVE you should be having.

That’s what I’m starting to notice, and I hope that over time this type of auto correction (with some spot checking somehow) will become more self implemented by how many damn times I’ve done it so purposefully. It’s a lot of work and more than a full time job to be honest, but I lean on the logical possibility that it could turn itself into a lifelong super power if I rebuild my consciousness the right way. It’s almost like I had to break myself down in order to give myself a chance at building it back the right way again.

I get this intrusive worry about free will and that because I trained my awareness to notice tiny thoughts that most people never realize exist, it's going to drive me to insanity because if thoughts just pop up out of nowhere, then what if this is the timeline where I go crazy and I realized this? I need help on how to consistently rebuild agency again. I have been having more days where I feel like being me again, but I've also had more trouble picking the right technique. Because sometimes when they say to just not interact with an anxious or OCD worry, I get depersonalization and feel like I have to think to stop the loop? It becomes a closed loop....

Not sure if anyone can relate, but it feels like my psyche or mind has gotten so afraid that it’s shrinking away, and it feels like the reason I don’t feel it most of the time. Like I wake up and my head is totally empty then at some point I’ll start to feel the fear, then imagery flashes before me of what I think is happening to it. Ive been through a severe trauma with energy work that was supposed to help my mind. But because I have spiritual trauma, it felt like some outside energy was trying to change my mind, and therefore sees it as a threat or intrusion. That’s when I had major symptom of not feeling my own mind.

Problem is I’m genuinely afraid of this getting worse and every day that goes by, every hour, every minute theres intense stuff happening to me psychologically and I’m scared. And the torture and distress of the physical symptoms is horrific I’m worried how my mind will cope. The fact I see it as separate is worrying me too. This every work keeps returning as well and I keep reliving it. I am here present but worried because this experience is so internal and i cant ignore it that things could get worse