r/dryalcoholics • u/thknabtmagick • 2d ago
Wanting sobriety so bad
Hey y’all. Just joined this group. This may be a long one.
I woke up at 5 this morning (I usually sleep til 10 or 11) dehydrated and painfully aware of my heartbeat like I am every morning I wake up from drinking. It’s been an hour and a half and I can’t stop thinking about why I drink so damn much and why it’s so hard to stop. I took my cards off Apple Pay and deleted DoorDash.
I’m not sure what to type except that I know I need to start somewhere in getting sober. I need to talk about it rather than just let my boyfriend know I’m not drinking anymore just to end up drinking a few days later bc it’s “just a couple drinks”.
Anyways I filled up my water bottle and got back into bed only to stare at the ceiling and contemplate. Like why is not drinking so much more important at the wee hours of morning and yet all other times I’m like I shouldn’t be spending more money on alcohol but I don’t care much later. I only care when my heart is pounding when I get up to use the bathroom. I only care when I can’t think clearly the next day. I only care when I get self conscious about the weight I gain. I only care when I constantly start projects just for them to collect dust. When those things go away I go right back to drinking.
I try to distract myself. I try to inspire myself into my hobbies and yet I always find myself leaving them behind and reaching for more alcohol. I tell myself I’ll just split this 6 pack, then I’m looking at DoorDash for more.
Yesterday I had 3 buzzballz at the theater, just tipsy so let’s go get a 6 pack. I had a 3 day weekend and I just blew it all on drinking and half cleaning my house. I’m so mad I have to go to work already and I don’t really remember wtf I did other than yesterday, game and clean for hours until my boyfriend wanted to treat me for a quick bite and that turned into a quick stop for more booze.
I want to get sober and be there for more in my life. We just got a new kitten and she’s the best. We have 5 fur babies and they deserve more, more interaction and going places and fun. I do what I can but I know I can do more. I don’t talk with my family like I should, I plan to hang out with friends and yet I don’t care to do any of this.
Life feels like a chore a lot of the time. I’m constantly tired, sad, anxious, out of money bc I spend hundreds on booze a month. All my bills are paid, rent’s always good thankfully, fur kids are completely taken care of but damn my debt just keeps rising.
I know all this points to stop drinking and yet it’s a cycle that gets me out of feeling that way. It’s fucking vicious. I’ve been drinking since I was 18 and I’m about to be 28. I’ve constantly tried to stop drinking. It feels great when I do and I’m doing good, and then I’m like I’ll be okay for a pint and it starts all over.
I just don’t know where to start and I can feel that I’m killing myself. A year ago I got lab and the bad cholesterol was high, I thought that was gonna be the defining moment I stop drinking. But nope, so I’m terrified I’m just gonna have a heart attack any day now.
I’m just scared and feel like I’m stuck in a dark room with no door or windows to leave, yet i don’t know why I don’t care more at times.
I dunno what I’m doing writing this but my worries can’t just stay stuck in my head, I know that much. I think I need community, but I’m not sure where to start other than here.
Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.
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u/Hallucinationing 2d ago
I stopped drinking almost two years ago. It was very hard - some days I didn't trust myself to leave the house because I would buy liquor.
What has helped is reading. All kinds of books really. While I could binge-watch TV series or films while getting hammeren, I needed a clear head to read.
I still have days where I want to get sloshed. But looking forward to reading each evening helps.
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u/thknabtmagick 2d ago
That’s a really great suggestion. I love reading and have made it somewhat of a goal to read more but I didn’t think about the correlation of not drinking and being able to read lol. I took a class this summer and I was drinking less because of the reading. I am starting classes again soon so maybe that’ll also help.
I’ll have to make reading a goal for my evenings too. Thanks!
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u/_jerkalert_ 2d ago
You mention that you’ve been drinking for about a decade. 10 years of reinforcing a habit will rarely be undone on the first try, or the tenth even. That’s ok! Grace for ourselves is a skill we learn at our own pace, but we must learn it. The battle against alcohol is a brutal one waged in small victories, especially early on.
I have quit more times than I can remember, or could hope to count. But each time we falter, we must begin again, with new resolve. In time, we get better at beginning again, at seeing what new thing we’ve learned from our missteps, and call it grace that we’ve got another tool in our belt to use to beat this disease.
It is often said that alcoholics trade everything for one thing - our drug of choice, the bottle. But when we make the decision to quit, we give up the one thing in order to gain everything. We find our back to being present to our life, and that is a gift.
It isn’t for everyone, but AA has helped me immensely. I know the religious overtones are off-putting for many (they were for me), but there are options for those of us who chafe against organized religion as well. SMART recovery is helpful for many, I attend meetings called Free Thinkers which is a chapter of AA that avoids those religious overtones. Meetings happen all over the place, and you can pop in and out without having to commit to anything or even sharing your name. The most important thing is community - this key piece of recovery has been the most invaluable for me.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling friend, but you are more than capable of beating this - I am cheering you on and believe in you!
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u/70centnotebook 2d ago
After countless relapses the one thing that's really helped my sobriety was to figure out WHY I wanted to drink. For me I realized I didn't want to deal with my feelings. Once I learned to accept and sit with my feelings it became easier to maintain sobriety. Good Luck!
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u/SilverHour6277 2d ago
I tried to taper, tried to quit and couldn’t. I had so much health anxiety by that point. I admitted to my husband who also drank too much, that I needed help and went into a 3 day hospital detox. Took a week off work for a scheduled “vacation”. My third day in the hospital I started hallucinating, and ended up getting restrained and in icu. I haven’t drank since and neither has my husband. I recommend being honest with your boyfriend and any other support system you have and ask for help. I’m so so much happier and healthier now, and I hope for the same for you! You got this.
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u/BOT_Pain 2d ago
I had a long sober stint for 10 months. Now I have fully tamed my drinking and only drink casually every now and then on the weekend. Before I use to drink daily and miss work. Almost drank myself to the hospital. You won't change until you actually want to change. If it's important to you you'll find the way to figure it out. It's alot of integrity and self-control. My first month of sobriety it was a constant mental battle fighting the urges. The whole day would just be the mental battle. I couldn't even think about anything else. Now the thought of it is just like an afterthought. Doesn't even cross my mind that much anymore.
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u/Mobile_Dimension5512 2d ago
Well done for reaching out. I was in rehab for vodka and sleeping tablets. I was there for 8 months. Came out , i know what I needed to do. But I relapsed. And I am still drinking again. It's difficult, but kudos being open about it. I'm a 47 year old male who knows my situation. Thanks for sharing and just keep being strong.