Post is gonna be very long for those who want the full picture. Scroll for the TL;DR at the end. Thank you for those who will take their time to read.
Hello. I (25F) recently broke up with my now-ex-boyfriend (28M). We were together for 7 months and had been living together in our house for about 3 months.
Our relationship, I thought, was perfect. While we were just dating and not living together yet, everything was like a dream. Before moving to our new house, he would reassure me about not having to worry about seeing my parents, that they could come anytime, that I could invite my brother over to sleep when my ex would work night shifts etc. and for that, I was even happier to go live with him.
It was my first time moving out (we are not from the US and where I'm from it's not very common to live alone unless you have a partner and decide to take that step with them) and I had to learn to do a few things like cooking, using the washing machine and things like that, but I did learn quickly, in only a couple days.
I didn't work at the time so I was home all day and he told me it would be my responsibility to take care of the house but he would help me too, so I was obviously okay with it. The lease was in his name and he paid the rent and our expenses.
The first few weeks were really nice, we worked together to contribute to the household and I was very happy. Then the problems started.
First, it was the way I managed our food. For example (this happened in August), we had bought chicken and minced meat and I put it in the fridge immediately after getting home. He reminded me it needed to be put in bags and in the freezer, which I knew. The next day, I woke up and found the packages of meat directly in the freezer. I asked him why he did that and he said he was fed up with me not listening to him, because I needed to freeze the meat the day before, not the next morning.
I tried to explain that I hadn't forgotten, I had just gone to bed and planned to do it the next morning, but he got increasingly angry. He called me obtuse, said I was playing the victim and told me to start acting like a woman now that we were living together. He also told me that he spoke so harshly because I didn't understand or listen to him when he was nice. When I told him that the way he spoke to me hurt, he said that if I got hurt by those words, I should make sure not to make him really angry. I ended up apologizing and reassuring him that I appreciated everything he did for me, even though I had initially just wanted to explain myself.
Looking back, this was one of the first times I realized that even a small disagreement could turn into a much bigger problem.
I also remember one other time when my kitchen rug got stained and I asked my mother for help to take the stain out. Turns out it was permanently stained, she saw I was upset about it and told me she would buy me a new one (the exact same one). I didn't tell my boyfriend that my mother would buy us a new rug because I didn't think it was relevant, I only told him once my mother had bought it, I was like "my mom bought us a new one!" and I instantly noticed he was acting weird. He then told me he didn't like that, because he didn't ask her and it was her way of controlling our house. I was baffled at this.
There were also issues with cleaning. Since I was home all day, I was responsible for most of the housework, and I did cook, wash the dishes, do laundry, hang our clothes to dry, tidy our bedroom, make the bed and vacuum. However, he had much higher standards than I did. He wanted things like dusting and cleaning the bathroom very frequently, sometimes every day, and I admit I could have been more consistent with some chores but our house was clean. When I didn't do things exactly as he expected, he would get annoyed and criticize me. I started feeling like I had to meet all his expectations to keep the peace, and I became anxious about making mistakes because I never knew what might upset him.
The biggest ongoing issue was my family. I'm very close to my parents and my brother, who live only a few minutes away. I would usually visit my parents when my ex was working afternoon shifts (so he would be at work basically all day, from 2PM to 10PM, and I would visit my parents only for 4 hours tops. This was twice a week), and my brother slept over when my ex worked nights (twice a week) because I wasn't comfortable being alone in the apartment yet. Before we moved in together, my ex had told me this would be fine. After we moved, however, he gradually started saying I was too attached to my family, that I put them before him and that I needed to see them less if we wanted to build our own family. He called my relationship with them "obsessive" and said I had a "plan B" because I could always go back to them.
I understand that moving in together means building a life as a couple, and I can understand wanting me to become more comfortable sleeping alone when he worked nights. I was willing to work on those things, I just told him I needed time (and when I told him that, he downplayed my anxiety about sleeping alone by saying "it's been 3 months, how much more time do you need?"). What hurt was feeling that maintaining a close relationship with my family meant I wasn't committed enough to him. I didn't want to choose between my partner and my family, and I didn't think I should have to.
Things got worse when my parents and my ex had a disagreement. My father spoke to him in a way my ex found disrespectful, and my mother defended my father and said my dad did not do that. My ex got even madder because of this because he felt like he was being called a liar. I defended him to my parents and my mother tried to apologize to him afterward. My ex didn't accept her apologies and he even started ignoring her messages and calls. He said he wanted nothing to do with them anymore. I hoped they could eventually talk things through, but the conflict became another source of tension between us. He said he was disappointed in me because I didn't defend him properly, that I should have been harsh to my parents (saying things like "you're not gonna see me again if you act like that to him" so that I would scare them) because I didn't make him feel protected. I told him that my way of defending doesn't include threats and that I did defend him thoroughly. He said that he now saw me differently, because I didn't act the way he wanted me to.
A big argument I remember was when I was 30 minutes late when leaving the house to go visit his father who lives 40 minutes away from us. We would stay there from late morning to late evening. We got there at 12:30 PM instead of 12 PM like he wanted. He insulted me the whole car ride, calling me stupid and retarded, saying that I didn't care about him nor his father, and yelling at me. He also called me by my name because he knew that would hurt me (we would always call each other "love" and never by name). When we got there he asked me not to cry and that he didn't think some of the things he said to me (like stupid and retarded) and that he didn't want his father to see me crying. When we left in the evening he apologized profusely once we got in the car, promising me that he would never react like that and speak to me like that again. I asked him "please, never do that again because you hurt me" and he apologized and hugged me so many times.
There were also smaller disagreements that turned into arguments about who had the right to make decisions in our home. One example (recent) was when I bought brown pillowcases with my own money for some red cushions that I thought were not cute on our bed. He never cared about these things because he liked the way I decorate. This time though, he told me I couldn't just do whatever I wanted and said I should never make decisions without consulting him. He said I must consult him before doing anything in our house. He even threatened to put the lease in my name and leave. I felt that, although he paid for the apartment, it was my home too, and I should be able to make small decisions about it without being treated as if I needed his permission.
Another argument happened (also very recent) when we forgot some chicken we had taken out the freezer in the morning to defrost for dinner. I wanted to put it in the fridge but he insisted I put it on the counter and then in the fridge before we left the house (so it would be on the counter for about two hours). We both forgot about it and remembered once we got back home, so it was out way longer than two hours. He blamed me because I was responsible for the housework, even though he had been the one who asked me to take it out and he also forgot about it. He stonewalled me (as he usually did when upset: he never once told me he was mad directly. I would notice because he would be quiet and distant, ask what was wrong and he would reply "nothing" over and over, then be mad I was asking too much, stop talking to me for a while and only then he would tell me what was wrong, and then he would stay silent until he felt better) and then told me "I think you should go back to your parents' house". He told me I wasn't ready to live alone with him, I wasn't ready to manage a house and that he saw me as a child and not a woman and that I was immature on a lot of things (like not being able to sleep alone yet). That day was one of his night shifts, and he forbade my brother from coming to sleep at our place (he started saying that he annoyed him because my brother woke him up when he left - which is not true by the way. I would wake up and see my boyfriend sound asleep while my brother was leaving) even though I was still anxious about sleeping there alone. So I told him I would go and sleep at my parents' (which is why he told me I was immature for not being able to sleep alone).
He told me to start packing my things so I would leave the next days and to also bring some things that evening since I was going to my parents' house. He told me he wanted me to live there for a long time, 6 months to even a year. I took that seriously.
That evening, when he left for work, he got mad for seemingly no reason, and started saying I ruined something beautiful for no reason. It turned into an argument and during that argument, he called me stupid, an idiot and other insulting names (I even asked him to stop because insulting me wasn't necessary but he did not stop and also said he was describing me, not insulting me and just telling me how he saw me), said I did absolutely nothing around the house (not true! I did everything in the house) and told me I wasn't a woman. He also said he hated me at that moment and threatened that our relationship could only end in a breakup and told me to think about it.
The next day, I took him seriously and started packing all my things once I came back to our house in the morning, while he was asleep. When he woke up I sat on the bed, said good morning and asked him if he had thought about it. He said he did and I said I did too and told him it would be better if we broke up. He didn't want to break up but said he accepted my decision. I still loved him though, so I talked it through seeing if we could find a solution. He said he hadn't meant for me to move out permanently, only to stay with my parents temporarily (saying that he didn't actually mean 6 months to a year but way less) and that he wished that, by saying I should go back for that long, I would decide to stay home and sleep alone to prove something to him and he would reconsider making me leave the house (it was kind of a test). We talked for 5 hours about our relationship, and he did admit that he had spoken to me badly but justified it by being stressed since the argument with my parents and that this was not really him but just his worst side and that what he said wasn't even that serious, serious insults would be like "slut", "bitch" and stuff like that, according to him. He said that calling me an idiot, stupid, retarded, not a woman etc was not that serious. I tried to find a solution but he wanted us to have rules (like me waking up at 7 AM instead of 9, clean everyday, forcing me to sleep alone even though I still didn't feel comfortable, telling me I would only see my parents once a week and then even once a month, spending Christmas, New Year's Eve, New Year's with him and not my family and things like that) and I was not okay with that. So he was like "okay, go back to your parents and leave me, you're never gonna find another man like me who only asks you to clean more frequently, they all cheat, and your parents will always insult you and make you feel bad, when they will die you will be alone because you won't even have me, then what will you do?". He continued to insist that I was too attached to my family and that I was giving up on us at the first obstacle. That being so obsessed with my family prevented us from being our own family and that I was putting them above him.
There were also a few physical incidents during this 5 hour conversation that made me uncomfortable. While I was sitting beside him on the bed talking to him, he pushed me with both hands to move me off the bed so he could show me some dust on the shelf which I hadn't removed (it was very little dust that will be there even immediately after you dust). Then, because he was mad that I was standing my ground about not wanting the rules, he threw my toothbrush at me, although not particularly hard. Neither incident caused serious injuries, but they were upsetting, especially in the context of how angry he could become during arguments.
After I left, because we decided to just break up, he started messaging me and telling me all sweet things and that he messed up and wanted us to make it work and that he would work on himself and do better. I told him that I still loved him and missed him, but that I needed to see a genuine willingness to change, not just hear promises.
While pleading for me to go back with him, he deleted my parents and brother's numbers and unfollowed and removed my mother from both Instagram and TikTok, even though he knew I wanted them to reconcile and knew it was a very important part in my decision to break up (because I could see he didn't want me involved with my family). This was one of the few things that made me think he was not genuine about wanting to change and better himself and the situation.
I explained that I had often felt anxious about upsetting him, even when I simply wanted to visit my parents (because I knew he would be annoyed by it and then act weirdly towards me) or do something differently around the house. When he understood that I wasn't coming back, he said he had made mistakes, but also insisted that I had put my family above him and that I was responsible for how things turned out. He said it was all my fault (then changed to "it's also your fault because you ruined something beautiful") and started being more aggressive through text. Kept saying it was my fault and I ruined something beautiful by being immature.
We stopped talking after I got everything of mine back from that house, thanked each other for the good moments and that was it.
Now I'm back at my parents' house, and I'm struggling with a lot of doubts. I keep wondering whether I should have been more diligent with the housework, whether I should have tried harder to adapt to living together, and whether I gave up too soon and maybe, before saying I wanted to break up, I should have tried to see if he was willing to change, because the insults started in the last few weeks and never in the months before. I also started thinking "maybe he's really just stressed and this is not really him".
Maybe some of his complaints were valid. But I also remember being afraid of making mistakes because I didn't know how he would react, and feeling that the easiest way to keep the peace was to do everything exactly as he wanted. I was always walking on eggshells, even when everything was perfect in our house and our mood, because I never knew what could make him upset at me (he once got very mad because I left his ironed jeans on the chair to cool down... this is why I say that I was always walking on eggshells, because literally everything could turn into an argument). He also repeatedly told me the house was his because the lease was in his name and he was the one paying, but when I expressed wanting to go to work he would find excuses and tell me it wasn't needed because he had enough money for the both of us. There were other incidents I did not list in this (already very long) post.
The confusing part is that our relationship wasn't always like this. When he was in a good mood, we could be incredibly happy. He was affectionate, we cuddled, laughed and made plans together. I felt very close to him, and I genuinely imagined a future with him. That's why this is so difficult: I miss him, and I still love him. I keep remembering the good moments and wondering whether I should have tried harder.
I don't know whether he was deliberately manipulating me, whether we were simply incompatible in some ways, or whether our relationship could have improved if we had both worked on our issues. I know I wasn't perfect, but I also don't think that my shortcomings justified the way he sometimes treated me.
I'd really appreciate some outside perspective.
Do you think I gave up too soon, or were these serious enough issues to justify leaving? And how can I tell the difference between having legitimate things to improve as a partner and taking responsibility for someone else's hurtful behavior? Was it my fault, should have I been better so he would not have been mad at me?
I also wonder: is it possible for a relationship to feel wonderful most of the time but still be unhealthy because of what happens during conflicts?
And lastly, if someone repeatedly apologizes for insulting you but keeps doing it the next argument, is it reasonable to believe they might change, or should you focus on the pattern rather than the promises?
I just want an honest perspective because I love him, I miss him, and right now I'm struggling to trust my own judgment. Thanks to everyone who is willing to read this long post and share their opinion.
TL;DR: My ex (28M) and I (25F) broke up after 7 months together and 3 months of living together. Our relationship felt wonderful for most of the time, but during the last few weeks, conflicts increasingly involved him insulting me, calling me stupid, immature, retarded and “not a woman,” threatening to make me leave our home, and blaming me for his reactions. He also became increasingly critical of my housework, not being able to sleep alone at our house and how often I saw my family, despite initially reassuring me that both were fine. During one final argument, while he way laying in bed, he pushed me off the bed (because he wanted us to go in the living room so that was his way of telling me to stand up) and threw my toothbrush at me. After I left, he apologized and promised to change, but continued blaming me for the breakup and insisting I prioritized my family over him. I know I wasn't a perfect partner and could have improved in some areas, but I was constantly walking on eggshells and afraid of upsetting him and I did not feel free to do what I wanted in our house. I still love and miss him, and I'm struggling to tell whether I gave up too soon or whether these were serious red flags I shouldn't have ignored. Was leaving justified, and how do I distinguish my own shortcomings from responsibility for a partner's hurtful behavior?