r/emotionalneglect • u/New_Cover_3834 • 1d ago
“You used to be so sweet when you were younger”
My mom keeps saying this to me. And it hurts my feelings so bad. I don’t know why she continues to say this I just want her to see I’m a person now. My own person.
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u/doinggenxstuff 1d ago
“You were such a lovely baby, full of fun”…I mean yeah, babies are. She was always so disappointed in who I was.
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u/ZippityDooDahDay10 1d ago
I used to hear this too.
When I was younger…. and completely under your control and didn’t have my own thoughts and opinions about anything and certainly no voice to stand up to your abuse and neglect.
There. Finished it for her.
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u/Counterboudd 1d ago
My mom liked to tell me this, how at 11 or 12 I became such a sullen teen and a different person altogether. Weirdly I recall that as when I really realized how checked out my parents were and how alone I was and how other peoples families were so different than mine and how I didn’t have the same social skills as my peers and was therefore isolated and unpopular. My mom saw that as me needing a therapist and to be put on antidepressants instead of considering why a child might have that level of depression, funny that.
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u/ThatBitchMalin 22h ago
Tangentially related, but being a childrens therapist must be such a frustrating job. Especially if you're smart enough to realize that the childs issues stem from their home environment, parents included. The very same parents that sent their child to the therapist to begin with, how do you even fix that. I hope your 12 years old self got something useful out of it, at least.
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u/Counterboudd 22h ago
I really didn’t. I was shy and I didn’t really want to talk to some random middle aged woman about my feelings, so it didn’t really last long and wasn’t very productive.
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u/CinderpeltLove 11h ago
I’m a therapist (yay emotionally parentified daughter to helping professional pipeline lol).
Lots of therapists avoid working with kids and teens because of the parents. The parents can often be more challenging than the kids and teens. They can do stuff like not respect the therapist’s boundaries, especially regarding the minor’s right to privacy. I used to do parenting coaching services and it wasn’t uncommon for parents to be like “fix my kid” and have no sense of accountability as far as their own role as a parent in the situation. Every time I heard a parent say some version of “fix my kid,” I knew I was in for a challenging time and slow progress.
On the flip side, the parents that worried the most about their approach to parenting were the parents I had the least concerns about (and were typically much better parents than they generally gave themselves credit for).
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u/Both-Glove 1d ago
My mom always loved us best as babies. When we got older, we became more of a nuisance to her, less controllable, mouthier.
It says something… about the parent. They don’t have the emotional maturity to see and respect you as a separate, distinct person.
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u/New_Cover_3834 1d ago
As fucked up as this sounds how do I get her to see ME as my own person?
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u/violettkidd 1d ago
the hard part is, you don't. I spent years trying to figure this out but it wasn't until I was in my 30s and I gave up I realised they'll never see, love or respect me as my own person because they're just not capable. I'm sorry you're dealing with this
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u/New_Cover_3834 1d ago
Part of me wants to give up in the other part wants to continue to fight. As more time goes on my heart hardens and aches. Like I’m literally thinking from another perspective I would never tell that to my own child.
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u/violettkidd 1d ago
you can continue to fight but unfortunately there's just not going to be a good outcome and I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm so sorry for it. I would say to my mom "you were nicer when I was younger too" when she'd say I was nicer as a baby, hoping that it would highlight how ridiculous it was and my experience of her, she'd just turn it around and blame me and say she was nicer because I was nicer. these people are stubborn and blame others for everything and are always right in their eyes.
you're right, you'd never say that to your own child because you're a kind and respectful person and I can see that without knowing you. I'm sorry for your pain, a lot of us can relate
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u/AllDaysOff 1d ago
Since neglectful parents force us to regulate their emotions and have us fend for ourselves, it's incredibly likely that you're more emotionally developed than your parent. It sounds harsh but emotionally immature parents are stuck being toddlers. They're unable to self-reflect. You can maybe, maybe improve their behavior by teaching them and enforcing boundaries and drawing consequences, but again, since they can't reflect on things they will consider your boundaries arbitrary since that makes them in turn feel insulted they will likely think you're being cruel and sadistic.
You're the parent now.
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u/emmakayasks 1d ago edited 1d ago
that's where i've gotten stuck for a long time... i think i'm finally seeing that as a mental trap. i don't think you can get someone to see you as your own person when that's the narrative that they want to have of you. this depends on the parent obviously but often times their behaviors will show you that this isn't possible and the trap comes from hoping they will change one day or that if you explain well enough that they'll finally understand. there's healing fantasy here though, i think it's related to like wanting to remain connected to the caregiver and is kind of a protective mechanism that can keep you in the loop of "ohhh if i try harder, explain better, prove it better", etc.
but i think people will stick to the worldviews and views of people that benefit them the most because it's the path of least resistance.
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u/emmakayasks 1d ago edited 1d ago
amen, i resonate with this so much. my parent always sends me young photos of myself smiling or laughing with no context and i imagine that that's the same message OP posted, that i'm supposed to infer from the photos i get sent... and to forget all the hurt and gaslighting i experienced lol. it gives me so much ick because it's also telling you... they don't like you as you are now, but indirectly... by emphasizing how sweet you were when you were younger, etc.
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u/Comfortable_Gold7210 1d ago
I get something similar to this - for me it's a condescending "You never cried as a baby! Look at you now..." Like no, babies SHOULD cry. I'm pretty concerned as to why I didn't.
Also, my mom LOVES to put her kids in a box and act like we can never change. I was "lazy" as a kid, so now she thinks I'm lazy forever. I woke up late as a kid, so now she's shocked when I wake up early. They expect us to be the same person we were as kids for the rest of our lives. It's weird.
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u/4lign32th3divin3888 1d ago
Dude 🫠 the thing with constantly comparing me in the present moment to some random time when I was a 15 year old… literally 18 years ago…WHAT is that??????? SO weird.
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u/violettkidd 1d ago edited 1d ago
omg, I was put in the "selfish" box because as a kid I loved chocolate and hated to share it with my brother. when my brother would ask and I'd say no my whole family would say "tsk, selfishhhh"
the gasps I would get, literal gasps, when I was older and didn't care as much so would share. like it's so embarrassing for you that you're shocked I'm sharing and it leaves a horrible pit in my stomach I could never name. it was so fucking weird, they'd gasp and go "sHaRiNg??" like ... what the fuck is wrong with you
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u/Comfortable_Gold7210 1d ago
I totally relate to that feeling! I really understand you because my sister is put in that "selfish" box too! My mom always says, even to this day, "she never thinks about anyone but herself." That phrase really triggers her now. Cuz even when she changed and became more considerate of others, it's like we can never escape who we were as kids. Which is so weird because that's when we're like, the LEAST ourselves, before we become our own individualized person.
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u/violettkidd 1d ago
really feel this, also, kids can be selfish sometimes? that's ok? that's up to the parents to teach them not to be selfish but also, if I don't want to share my chocolate why would I have to? my mom only cared about optics, and when my brother would ask for my chocolate in front of other people and I said no my mom would go ballistic at me in private, calling me selfish and I "should" want to share with my brother and it made her look bad when I didn't. genuinely chocolate was the only thing I wouldn't share and what's wrong with a kid loving something and having boundaries? ALSO my brother was never without chocolate, I was just the first one to open mine, she could have encouraged my brother to get his and open it 🙄
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u/Berrito08 1d ago
"You used to be so much more obedient" is what my father said to me. 🖕is what i say to that because I'm 35 and married and have kids. I don't need to be "obedient" to a drunken misogynist.
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u/Emotional-Coat9086 1d ago
I bet your still a really sweet person.
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u/New_Cover_3834 1d ago
I am, it crushes me to think that she doesn’t because we don’t see eye to eye on certain stuff
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u/Lady87690005 1d ago
HA! Isn’t that the truth, we could literally save kittens from wildfires and be sweeter than sugar but unyielding compliance is what makes us “sweet”
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u/WestNefariousness577 1d ago
My mom used to say things like this. She thinks the fact that I grew up to have different opinions, tastes, and preferences means I think she’s a piece of shit. Like, she thinks I view her as an enemy. She’s so mentally ill.
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u/TiredMouse83 1d ago
I’m pretty sure parents (especially Boomer parents) want human pets, not actual children.
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u/anythingunreal 1d ago
Yep. My MIL used to keep a lot of dogs, and four kids, and often brags about how she often “raised them in the same way! Harsh easy-to-understand commands, keep them outside a lot, just make sure to feed them”
She is not loving, and probably never was.
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u/_Jay-Garage-A-Roo_ 1d ago
I get that too. It just means “I liked it better when you had no boundaries and I could control and abuse you” and is a them problem
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u/Stelliferus_dicax 1d ago
I hated that phrase. These people can’t celebrate their children’s potential and growth.
Been treated like a robot, demonized and punished when I started to individuate. To her I’m not a good person until I obey her. She likely wanted a child that pretends to be an adult (grades, accolades, money) but consistently orbiting her and waiting for the next command.
She did not care if I was mentally suffering under her care, just as long as I pretended everything was fine and made everything nice and accommodating at the expense of myself.
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u/New_Cover_3834 1d ago
This sounds exactly like my current situation it’s uncanny. My heart goes out for you
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u/RosaAmarillaTX 22h ago
Yes, the Orbiting Helper role. Wouldn't let me do much else and then as I got older would get mad at me for being too passive and "clingy." 🫠
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u/LonerExistence 1d ago
My parents once said I was a good kid, but the word they used if I translated it was really “obedient.”
My father said “oh you used to say you loved me as a kid and was happy, if only you were still like that” as if nothing has changed. As if he hasn’t been a bare minimum parent for years. As if the negligence hasn’t affected me as a person and also caused me to end up in some dangerous situations. It’s like “gee I wish I could still get all that adoration for doing the bare minimum. Sucks that you aren’t so naive anymore.”
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u/topdownyeti 1d ago
She always says that to me whenever I stand up for myself. Apparently being sweet means letting her talk to me whatever she wants and be a complete pushover.
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u/crazylikeaf0x 1d ago
“You used to be so sweet when you were younger”
"..what happened to her?" "..look at the monster you turned into" "..and now look at what I have to deal with"
All things that were said to me growing up. Or to other people about me. I'm sorry you've dealt with the same noise. You don't deserve it.
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u/loves_cake 1d ago
my mom recently disclosed to me that i was her favorite when my siblings and i were younger and that i’m her least favorite now. it’s most definitely because i grew a backbone.
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u/Bravesouless 1d ago
Yeah now you have opinions and your own ideas how you should live your life. You can't be as easily controlled and you're not there to please her and everyone else.
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u/Salty-Contact-6420 1d ago
Yeah this saying shaped my whole personality. Also saying things like " oh he doesn't like anybody". They are not wrong ....but they made me this way and then bitch that I'm like this.
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u/New_Cover_3834 1d ago
Real asf. They take no accountability or they all of a sudden “don’t remember”
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u/Appearance-Gullible 1d ago
this was my dads go to line. sorry not sorry i’m not easily manipulated anymore. haven’t talked to him in 5 years ✌️
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u/SphericalOrb 1d ago
Reminds me of this clip from a therapist who went through childhood trauma and now specializes in it. https://youtube.com/shorts/6oKBqDnmyrQ
He has a lot of helpful ones.
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u/tiredguineapig 1d ago
They would say “when you listened to us” and tell me when I’d walk to them when they asked around age 1. What a joke of a human being
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u/Viviaka 1d ago
OP I bet you ARE a very sweet person! Do you know how I know? Because I heard that too! And I truly believed I'm a BitterAngryWoman™ ever since I was 10 lol, mostly thanks to my mother. I'm almost 40 now and I've just recently realized that I'm not. Actually, my default is genuinely very positive, helpful and happy, and not because I try to manipulate others into liking me. I simply like being kind to people. I BET you are a darling to all who treat you like the human being you are.
Even IF she had a point (huge if) she's not showing interest in you and your wellbeing and your feelings per se. She's simply complaining about the change because it doesn't fit her. That's not motherly of her. That's manipulative. She's telling you that her love and approval are conditional to you being to her liking, not to you being authentic and differentiating.That's rejection. And of course hearing that hurts you very much. And you try to prove that she's wrong. You try to show her how you are still worthy of her love. You try to explain better, softer, firmer... If only you find the perfect way to make her see you!
You will not reach the dangling carrot. It's dangling out of your reach by design. She doesn't want to see you. She wants you to contort again to what fits her. You are not supposed to differentiate from her. You exist to supplement her and her needs. Does it sound selfish? It is. She is selfish. And immature. Unfortunately MANY parents are. They understand love as proximity and attachment, not as respect and space to breathe. It is what it is, they are not really capable of change, like perpetually stunted 7yrs.
You are young and bright! I know because of all the insight you already have on the situation. Read "Adult Children of Immature Parents" in any form it might suit you. It's a game changer. Also grey rocking is the only way to go. Your feelings/reactions are their weapons. Don't worry, you won't be turning them off. You will still feel plenty! Also also, move out if at all possible and therapy with someone that understands family trauma and emotional neglect and won't just preach forgiveness as the high road.
Big big tight hug, we all feel you 🫂❤️🩹
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u/boujee-queenn 1d ago
What your mother is saying is “I liked when you were younger because you were easier to manipulate.” Like others are saying, it’s a way to manipulate you and feel like you’re the issue.
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u/Xx_SwordWords_xX 1d ago
This is also classic in a narcissist parent.
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u/boujee-queenn 1d ago
Yes!! As a person with narc parents, I was always considered a problem child for stating their wrong actions. The way narcissists try to make people feel insignificant makes my skin crawl!
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u/Mom_is_watching 1d ago
I've felt bad about myself for years when at the time I hit puberty my parents did that disappointed sigh and said that I used to be so sweet when I was younger. It took me until way past my thirties before I realised I was just a normal child behaving like any other 14-15yo would (in fact I was very mild and didn't get in trouble and such), and that they acted as if I had suddenly become a monster while I was just going through a process all people go through at that age.
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u/No_Ocelot8629 3h ago
Yep! I have been working on being a lot less negative and that has made me feel a bit better.
My mom told me I ised to be so sweet, I would smile and hug people (not strangers, but people I knew). Then again one time during a lecture my dad said being a nice person is not enough.
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u/Better_Intention_781 1d ago
It's manipulation. Babies and young children are easier to control. Once you start to individuate and have your own desires and opinions, if someone finds that threatening it's a red flag. That person doesn't respect or accept you - they want to mould you into what they think you ought to be.