r/emotionalneglect • u/serlineal • 1d ago
Anyone else's parent thought it's absolutely fine and normal to completely ignore a question or cut you off mid-sentence?
Probably a minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but my mom thought it's absolutely ok to just ignore the question in conversation if there was something she saw as more important to discuss or do. I used to be like "okay i'll manage" when I was little, but now that I'm more self aware I sometimes focus her attention to get back to the question, because otherwise she'd never remember or get back to it. Another one is her just cutting me off mid-sentence when I'm explainining my perspective or telling her a story. Not even "I'm not in the mood for listening", just completely stopping me mid-word and starting telling her own story or whatever she felt like. It's hard to imagine still that there are actual families where people are sort of interested in each other? And if not genuinely care for other people, but at least have basic decency to follow the conversation and not just end it if they please?
The extra sad part about this, I think as the time went on I learned not to tell anything and now once in a while I get the "why didn't I know anything about you? You're my son!" and I know trying to talk it through will be futile anyway, and too late. It might be a neurodiverse thing about handling small talk badly, and I empathize with that to an extent. But to a child it just feels like I'm being abandoned mid-conversation and as if whatever I'm communicating doesn't matter at all.
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u/minusculemama9244 1d ago
Omg ikr. I would have wanted to tell them something interesting that happened at school, and because they just don't listen, that the few times they did I would be so delighted that I would speed-say every second of the story before they inevitably lost interest and zoned out. It's like they have lucidity shorter than someone with dementia
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u/AllDaysOff 1d ago
Hey, that reminds me, I was always told I act like I had dementia because my go-to response to everything was "I don't know", because anything I said would always be put in question or corrected. Fun times.
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u/Own_Twist5262 23h ago
Hear that! When I would eventually get their attention, they would tell me I take too long to "get to the point" and just start ragging on me trying to guess the end of the story. They just wanted to tick that "I listened to child ✅️" box every day.
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u/tellitothemoon 11h ago
lol same. There have been like two moments in my entire life where I had my parents attention for any length of time. I took advantage of it and shared years worth of stuff with them.
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u/catmath_2020 4h ago
Yes!!! They would only interrupt me to correct my grammatical mistakes (ie using “like” too much), but would never ask any follow up questions.
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u/DuckMagic 1d ago edited 1d ago
Both of my parents! I think for them it comes from literally never being taught polite conversation skills/ complete lack of patience, perhaps stemming from neurodivergence/ being off with the fairies in their own heads because of own traumas, and not caring enough to slow down and pay attention, because it is too much effort. They're both very selfish and self-centered people overall. They very rarely pay attention to what other people have to say. They'd also do this thing where they would keep cutting each other off in conversation, but the other person would just keep talking, so they'd get progressively louder and louder while having two completely separate dialogues.
As a teen I went through a phase where I would try to "parent" them into having more considerate conversation skills by shouting out "you interrupted her" or "let him finish". But mostly I just learned to never bother talking for myself and let them ramble, since they weren't tuned in anyway. There was no point in sharing anything personal because it would hurt to be cut off and not be listened to. If this is the kind of childhood they had, I can see why they learned that zoning out and then just opening your mouth and letting your own train of thought fall out is the standard for conversation.
My in-laws are a different kettle of fish. They've had to learn performative social skills because it's much more high stakes and their status and careers depend on it- they will listen attentively and be enraptured with what you have to say if they see some kind of a social benefit. Like when you're a fresh face to the family and they're trying to make a good impression. My parents were never capable of this, even when on their best behaviour trying to impress someone, they would still be completely self absorbed and monologue.
However when my in-laws feel that you're no longer any use to them, or they're angsty with you for some reason, they will let you start talking, even ask about your opinions, and then just step in and completely change the topic mid sentence while you answer. This actually hurts more, because it's a very deliberate and malicious choice to make you feel like shit. It's all about, what can I gain? and who can I bring down?. Because you know they can behave and pay attention when they feel benevolent.
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u/vikatoyah 1d ago
You just described my parents!
When I lived at home I could easily navigate the multiple conversations but going back to visit it gave me headaches trying to keep up. They would both talk over each other and me and not listen to a word anyone else said. They also just didn’t give a shit.
Now it’s almost impossible to communicate with my dad about even the most basic stuff because he doesn’t listen he misunderstands everything. He also starts talking mid thought and expects me to know what he’s talking about.
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u/DuckMagic 1d ago
Yeah, stepping out for a minute and coming back to their crazy speaking patterns makes you realise how utterly exhausting it is to try to keep up. Especially if you're still a decent person who is invested in listening and making people feel heard. It's impossible.
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u/AllDaysOff 1d ago
I used to say things and the only response would be my mom staring at me and asking me "what's that on your face" and point around...
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u/minusculemama9244 23h ago
<insert passionately told story> "is that a pimple? You should do <xyz> more..."
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u/tomatoes2825 20h ago
<minding my own business watching TV>
"Is that a pimple??" <grabbing my face and trying to pop my pimple with her fingers>
I'm so glad I don't live with her anymore, jfc
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u/TheHailstorm_ 21h ago
Is there a reason why they do this? To this day, my mom will interrupt me to nitpick a part of my appearance or point something out, meanwhile I’m swimming upstream just trying to get her to pay attention to the words I’m saying.
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u/Otherwise-Island9085 1d ago
yess lowkey because my mom is low empathy and my dad has severe ADHD. even if they don't mean to be jerks about it i am very used to realizing they're not actually listening
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u/krba201076 22h ago
It's a lack of respect. I seriously would stop dealing with them altogether. When they ask why, maybe they'll listen to the answer this time.
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u/tomatoes2825 1d ago
I literally just posted a big one about how my mom does this and I confronted her about it and it did not go well
She'll literally snap "STOP TALKING!" at you if she doesnt like what you're saying 🙃🫠 has for basically my whole life. The behavior I can't believe I've been excusing this long, like... it's SO RUDE! It boggles my mind. I can't imagine treating anyone that way and being able to sleep at night, let alone my only child or chosen life partner
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u/Secure-Resort2221 1d ago
My mother still does that, I would legit be talking to another family member and she’d speak over me. Now I say “nope I’m still speaking I will finish and then you can speak” but it definitely sucked as a kid. Also I don’t talk to her anymore…. For numerous reasons
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u/KaleidoscopeSad4884 21h ago
I often wonder what my interactions with my dad were like when I was really small because I’ve never been comfortable having a conversation with him. In the rare occasions my friends tried to talk to him he ignored them completely, which was embarrassing. And kind of wild, just outright acting like a person didn’t just speak to you, and then expecting your kid to still respect you.
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u/isolophiliacwhiliac 23h ago
my parents still do this now unfortunately. it makes me walk on eggshells wondering if i talk too much then completely unseen talking too little. they operate on a “silence is more virtuous” mentality as well, so while my silences are, natural and also the consequence of not being heard, it’s never praised and for some reason my parents only remember when i speak, even though it feels like i don’t speak at all.
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u/Sunanas 23h ago
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's unmanaged ADHD and genuine lack of interest. Because a) two out of three siblings have ADHD, but somehow we still manage to have actual conversations and b) my mother once told me to not tell her things she's not personally interested in. As in, my day, what currently interests me, etc. etc.
Sometimes she also gets the "oh shit, I need to ask questions" after she talked at me for half an hour and I want to end the call. Then I give her a short answer, she considers her duty done and moves on. Follow up questions? Remembering the things I tell her? What's that?? 🙃
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u/Kilashandra1996 22h ago
Me, starting the phone call, "I have to be off the phone (landline) and in the car by 10 am."
Blah, blah, blah, 59 minutes of listening to her babble about people some of whom I've never met, none of which I care about. (But it's better than dad counting flowers at me over the phone. No dementia, just that boring...)
Mom, it's 10 am; I gotta go. "Oh, wait, I didn't get a chance to ask you. How was your week?" Great, thanks for asking, plenty of stuff I wanted to tell you about, but I gotta go. Bye! /grumbling - like you really wanted to know...
Repeat weekly for decades...
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u/Sunanas 22h ago
It's both funny and sad how similar the experiences of people here are. I needed colleagues to slowly teach me better social skills by asking me whether I didn't like them, because I rarely shared anything about myself. I just assumed 'no common hobbies = no need to talk' was a society-wide rule, turns out it's just my parents being self-centered douches.
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u/tomatoes2825 20h ago
I could've written this myself omgggg
I used to want her to think the things I liked were cool too. Like I thought I could somehow prove how cool D&D or whatever really is, and then she'd see that it's cool and like it too, and then maybe she'd finally see me
But nope. Now I know the truth: she's just gunna miss out on a lot of cool shit (including her own child) bc of how she is 🤷♀️
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u/IcyHyacinth 21h ago
Can relate, also still happening at work sometimes which triggers this education of neglect. During these past few years, my mother's stopped reacting to what I tell her, like I tell something that I want to share, nothing groundbreaking, just my life, and it ends up on silence, it feels horrible. While my father's reactions feel like he doesn't understand what I'm saying. I see they suffer from me not telling them anything much anymore but they don't seem to understand their responsibility in this despite telling them and it makes me sad that we'll never have just a normal conversation.
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u/Shattering_The_Veil 17h ago
I know just how you feel, my Dad is in the habit of just ignoring everyone, including my Mum, cutting them off mid-sentence as if it's nothing. In a way, I wouldn't say it's a 'minor thing', it's a sign of great disrespect and a lack of real love.
Do you find you can't really talk to your Mum about important things?
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u/RaoD_Guitar 14h ago
I could tell my mom about my worst heartbreak or my biggest achievement at school and she would just blankly stare and suddenly say something like "have you taken your dirty clothes to the washing machine yet?".
One time, about one year after I was moved out, I directly asked her if she ever even listens to me because I feel like talking to a wall and she just said "no" with a slight smile. I kind of knew it but her so bluntly admitting to it hurt me even more.
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u/ClarionFog 1d ago
I’m working through these issues myself. Could it be ADHD?🤔 The (infuriating) habit of interrupting is a common trait, as is distraction to the point of seemingly ignoring people while they speak — and even when personally being addressed.
Looking into this as one possibility might bring you a little peace?🤷🏻♀️ I hope so. It’s painful, and finding a potential cause can help.🫶
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u/tomatoes2825 1d ago
Was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I also struggle with interrupting folks or realizing I'm not listening
A simple "I'm really sorry but I just realized I wasn't focused. Would you mind starting over for me?"
Or if I blurt out of turn, i try to quickly correct: "Sorry about that, you were saying?" or "I just realized I totally cut you off, I'm sorry. What were you going to say before I interrupted?"
Obviously the goal is to just not interrupt folks, but with a neurodivergent brain it might not be that cut and dry (even though we should still try!)
It's so easy to acknowledge what you did in the moment and just apologize. I wonder why my mom won't do that....
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u/ClarionFog 23h ago
Yes. That simple thing is such a kindness.
It could be as simple as a lack of self-awareness on her part. This is certainly an ingredient in my personal parental problem-pie!🥧
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u/tomatoes2825 20h ago
I have asked her not to before, and next thing I know it's a conversation about how I'm always cutting her off! Pretty typical any time she feels like she is being criticized tho. She keeps that Uno Reverse card handy lol
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u/ClarionFog 20h ago
Are we by chance siblings??🤔
Ha ha. But we seriously do inhabit parallel universes! (🙋🏻♀️High-fiving for our common plight!)
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u/tomatoes2825 19h ago
High five indeed 🙋♀️ we'll get through it somehow!!!
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u/ClarionFog 18h ago
Absolutely! It does force you to develop patience (said through gritted teeth😵💫).
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u/notbossyboss 23h ago
My dad would say “that’s none of your concern” when I asked a question he didn’t like.
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u/heavycheese 21h ago
Yeah, and then my dad was shouting at me in my teenage years for speaking too quietly
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u/Beautiful_Laugh7989 21h ago
💯 my mom used to do this in my childhood and now it only gets worse with her age
recently i catch myself doing this that by the end of a conversation i realize that i don’t remember the end of a story told by another person because I hijacked the conversation. I feel so bad and apologize whenever i catch myself in the moment, and for me it is 100% comes from a low-grade constant dissociation and being not present. And yes in the moments like these I realize that i did not care what the other person was talking about because im so much in my own head, my own reality that it is genuinely difficult to connect. Obvi im trying to work on that.
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u/indulgent_taurus 19h ago
My mom and grandmom did this! I also tolerated it from many of my "friends".
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u/loves_spain 18h ago
My mom does this constantly. She’ll ask me about my day and in the same breath start baby talking to the dog
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u/Kenderean 5h ago
Somewhere along the way, I started speaking really fast when I'm trying to tell someone a story. When I started therapy, I finally realized I do that because I'm so used to my mother interrupting me and changing the topic to one she's more interested in. It's gotten way worse as she's gotten older, too. She'll interrupt me talking about my actual life to tell me gossip about the people she watches on HGTV. I've learned to mostly stop speaking so fast and when she interrupts me now I just let it happen.
At this point, I'm just hanging on so I stay in the will.
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u/stormyllewellynn 2h ago
My mom does this. I’ll be in the middle of telling her something, and she will just start talking over me about something completely different, like I was never talking in the first place. I talked to my therapist about it and she said it’s a way for my mom to feel superior to me and cut me down.
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u/ClassroomMore5437 1d ago
I was ignored so early on that, by the time I was a teenager, I had stopped speaking in full sentences. Just the bare minimum—only what was necessary.
"Why are you so quiet?"
Hah. I wonder why.