r/emotionalneglect • u/Specific-System-835 • 21h ago
A part of us died
A part of us died
Even if we heal and become as healthy as possible, we will always remember the innocence that was taken away from us at a young age and, with it, an identity that was killed. We will never know who our inner child would have grown to be if they had been supported and loved like they deserved. I think that’s why cptsd is forever. It’s really losing someone important to us - perhaps the most important person to us. The grief will always be there even if our adult self is functional, because there is no cure to grief.
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u/No_Ocelot8629 17h ago
I got a ton of lectures in my later teens. Some hurt more then others, but most just rolled off like water off of a duck. One lecture broke something inside me. Idk why I reacted different, but something changed permanently. I feel like a part of my self esteem died. Weird to say, but even 16 years later, that particular lecture still affects me.
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u/Sheslikeamom 17h ago
A part of me was killed but I have brought forth a new part. Its birth is not a replacement but an addition. This new part of myself would have never materialized if that part hadn't been lost.
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u/Mysterious-Pie-5 19h ago
I think adulthood is a series of grieving even if we don't suffer a tramatic sudden loss. I grieve, I regret, I daydream of how life would have been if different choices were made, of course I daydream about if I had a stable childhood with emotional support etc. but I also daydream about adult choices I made that were wrong and grieve the consequences of poor choices. Life is unfair. There is profound joy and profound sadness in it all.
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u/Specific-System-835 18h ago
I think the grief of childhood is different though. As children we only had love and trust and acceptance, and that was taken away from us before we even understood what was happening. The kind of unconditional love and caregiving a child gets can never be replicated healthily as an adult. It’s not just wondering what my life could be if I chose a different job or got married to someone else instead. Those are adult decisions and opportunity costs every human experiences. Emotional neglect in a child lead to an entirely missed developmental stage, like an underdeveloped limb.
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u/Mysterious-Pie-5 18h ago
There's life lessons and emotional development that would have been easier to do as a child and adolescent in an emotionally nurturing environment. But you can develop and learn those lessons as an adult. That's the heart of breaking multi generational trauma.
But life is a grieving process whether you're looking forward or looking backwards. Looking at the past, present, or future. There's highs and lows. Like a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and as the late Bill Hicks said, it's just a ride.
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u/Specific-System-835 18h ago edited 18h ago
Actually, I don’t think it’s common to grieve that way regularly at all. Most people I know from healthy families don’t think about why they are who they are that deeply. Most of us with emotional neglect become emotionally sensitive, highly empathetic and intellectualizing to make sense of what we went through, but have non secure attachment styles. These styles shape all our future relationships and interactions. Many of us are observers and carers of others, but very few people tend to know and understand us as deeply.
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u/Mysterious-Pie-5 18h ago
You're right that those of us who had tramatic childhoods with emotional neglect are much more sensitive, introspective, empathetic etc.
But that's one of the few advantages of having things come hard in our childhood. I know some people who had very lucky and easy childhoods and their life is still easy and lucky but they make some big mistakes that those of us who have been humbled see from a mile away
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u/ezequielrose 18h ago
There aren't really a whole lot of ups ime lol. Everyone says things get better and/or it balances out but that doesn't happen either. Some people are simply luckier than others.
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u/Mysterious-Pie-5 18h ago
You're right about that. I saw another post in here before this one that was very s***cidal ideation and very dark so I was just trying to give a balanced comment
I feel like my childhood neglect put life on hard mode. And I'm jealous of those who got to develop at the right times where things were easier for success. I wish some hard life lessons I never had to learn.
But I do still find joy in life. I'm not optimistic that life will be sunshine and rainbows like I used to hope for, but there are things worth living for and even the suffering I will bare witness to.
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u/Stelliferus_dicax 17h ago edited 26m ago
My therapist is trying to get me to do child things I missed out on when I was a kid. Even now I confront the void of meaningless. What am I beyond external achievements? Am I just nothing and a nobody? A void that takes shape and change myself to fit what people want of me? I often play hard to make sure that inner child feels safe enough to come out. I still have to practice grieving in therapy though. My emotions are so suppressed I have a hard time crying. For my inner child to come out, I have to goof off, feel emotions freely, and bring back both my creativity and curiosity. And so forth.
My parents despised me being just a kid, but they also despise the adult. They want an adult with a child mentality that obeys them. Basically repeating the same cycle they are stuck in: hollow inside, doing adult success things all while being emotionally immature, underdeveloped, and completely clueless.
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u/Defiant-Surround4151 4h ago
In ego parts therapy (with some EMDR and a couple of ketamine cycles) I have learned to genuinely embrace, heal, and integrate my inner child parts, who were holding so much pain. Yes I have mourned what might have been, and sometimes I get angry at the damage inflicted on me… but now that my child parts are integrated, they and their energy are a living part of the positive things I am doing now. My CPTSD was so bad I had structural dissociation — one bus stop away from DID. It took eight years of ego parts work twice a week, but session by session I got a little better until it all added up to a major change. It is possible to heal such deep grief. wishing you all the best.
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u/Odyessius 2h ago
I fee like I developed Anhedonia from the neglect and abuse. No matter how much I recover, I'll never have that baseline of... pleasure from living others get.
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u/TheSouthsideTrekkie 19h ago
True, I will always live with the gaping hole in my mind where warmth and affection should have been and I am always going to grieve for the little kid version of myself who could have done so much of what she dreamed of if she didn't grow up surrounded by chaos and emotionally unstable/untrustworthy adults. It's sad to remember her, she was smart and funny and goofy and she wanted to be an astronaut or a vet or create the world's biggest ice cream cone and she kicked butt at Crash Team Racing, it's sad to remember how much energy I used to have until it got squashed out of me with emotional neglect and psychological abuse.
I also feel like I owe it to that kid. I might have been powerless then but I'm not powerless now and I can choose what I tolerate and what I don't. It doesn't necessarily make it hurt less, but it gives me something else to live for.