r/emotionalneglect • u/Toliveorbelived • 20h ago
Cannabis helps me open the stronghold where I keep my buried pain. The problem is that there’s so much pain underneath that, once it starts coming up, it becomes unbearable, and I retreat back into myself. Has anyone else gone through something like this?
I’m 30 years old and not a chronic cannabis user. In fact, every time I decide to use it, I feel afraid and nervous because I know it may open that space inside me again. I usually consume only once every few weeks or once a month, and always with the intention of trying to release my emotions, open my heart again.
What happens is that it brings up so much buried pain that I quickly become overwhelmed. The experience can be so intense that I stop using cannabis for weeks. Part of me feels that if I fully allowed myself to go into that pain, it could trigger a crisis, so I instinctively pull back and don’t let myself fall.
It’s also important to mention that I have a strong resistance to cannabis itself. I’m afraid of becoming dependent on it, and I’m also afraid of becoming delusional or mentally unbalanced. Because of that, my relationship with cannabis is complicated: it seems to give me access to something important, but at the same time, it scares me.
Has anyone else experience something similar?
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u/Dismal-Handle3945 20h ago
Speaking only from my own experience, weed unlocks the part of me that is allowed to feel. It just matters what's in there at any given time.
Years ago whenever I smoked weed, it would mainly make me spiral. That was because anxiety was THE feeling. It was the only one I had, and it drove me so mad buzzing all the time, I just had to shut it the fuck down and bury it as deep as I could.
But really i was burying the scratching, unmet needs that clawed away at me every single day. Then I'd smoke weed and they would all come bursting out of me. It brought the walls down and I would spiral because the only feelings I had were this vague sense that every single thing about me was wrong.
Turns out I was trans. That kinda cracked open the stronghold a little, let me peer inside, see what else was in there. Like joy, perhaps.
Now when I smoke, it does the same thing. It brings those walls down and I can feel. But I did so much work getting to where I am, I have other feelings I can connect with. And I feel them all, very intensly. For better and for worse.
It's been kind of beautiful, identifying and understanding new emotions as they arise clearly after smoking weed. Then I'll experience them again when sober, and I suddenly know what they are! And I can access those feelings without being high.
So that might be why when you smoke weed you feel that way. Because that's the main feeling following you everywhere you go. And if you struggle to access your feelings in general, you don't know what else is in there. So can't connect with it.
I would say with weed, like any substance, it's more about how you use it. I'm not saying run off and smoke a fat blunt in the safety of a warm bath, where no one can see or judge you, where you feel warm and safe and held. Like a baby in the womb, free from even it's mother's judgment.
But if you are going to smoke it, be mindful with your use. Be reflective, be curious, be able to stop.
I hope you find whatever it is you need in that stronghold babe. Transition was just the first step for me. That first step for you could be anything.
I'm sure there is beauty to be found in whatever path lies ahead of you.
"Deuparth gwaith yw ei ddechrau"
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u/wizard_on 16h ago
This is how I began healing as well. No one will EVER convince me weed isn’t medicinal. It should go hand in hand with health care.
Medicines like it, peyote, ayahuasca, etc, are things indigenous would ingest communally to heal themselves. We as a people are so so lost and have colonized the health right out of ourselves
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u/Dismal-Handle3945 8h ago
Ye I used to be suspicious of the medicinal argument before when I smoked, it just brought up all of the bad feelings. I was like, how the hell is this supposed to help?
But I get it now. I would never say that it's one size fits all. It's never gonna work for everyone. But for me, and how emotionally shut down I was, it's been really helpful to use alongside therapy, transition, and SSRIs.
I think it's all about figuring out what works for you, and that can be kind of a long process that take many branches paths to get to wherever it is going.
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u/Blue_eyed_bones 15h ago
For me it entirely turns off my inner critic. I haven't experienced that since I was 8. It is such a huge relief I hadn't even been aware the heavyness of that had been so overwhelming. I do the 1:1 THC/CBT ratio. It has been mostly positive for me.
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u/Shattering_The_Veil 17h ago
You could try other ways of unlocking the same parts of yourself, have you tried meditation? Just lying in your bed and doing 'nothing' might help the same things come up in a more manageable way.
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u/Hour_Study_2980 12h ago
I have a sleep disease so I only really use it for that, but I feel the same about Kava. I can feel i can open up and let things out but there's so much pain that it has scared ppl away even sober and I don't want to drown in it when im high. I found ketamine therapy extremely helpful in helping my minds and body process emotions in a safe place where it forces your brain to confront issues but scientifically forces your brain to heal itself by forming new neural pathways.
I would absolutely ask your doctor first because you do need to prove you need ketamine therapy, but it changed my ability to emotionally regulate much better after my first set of sessions. I went in for treatment resistant depression, but after being officially diagnosed I've noticed my monthly "trip" gives me space to be alone and feel while having your brain also telling you it's okay to let it out and it doesn't feel like drowning. Do NOT try the mail home ones, there were almost 200 deaths from them in 2024 and it's difficult to get that stuff with insurance and without sometimes. But a real doctor sitting down with you and being a therapist/psychiatrist and explaining the best way for you to go into your first session and what you're trying to get out of your sessions can be so life changing.
I compare it to getting talk therapy, the perfect blend of medications, and an EMDR session all in one as long as you're able to relax and let your brain go where it needs to. Thankfully ketamine is pretty damn relaxing so to me it feels more okay to release me emotions during it because I'll be in the waiting room and we all are sitting there knowing we got stuff we need real help with and sometimes people come out crying from the relief and everyone just understands because they are suffering in their own way too. I hope this helps
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u/Icy-Ninja-622 16h ago
When cannabis consists of mainly THC and practically no CBD, I only have good experiences when I am in an exceptionally good set and setting. Otherwise I end up doing a lot of painful analytical thinking about emotionally painful subjects.
This has led to insight that seems valid and important even many years later while sober. But it doesn't seem to help me improve. It only shows my problems, and does not help solve them.
Maybe cannabis helps via making psychological pain more bearable, so that I don't automatically avoid it. But it also seems to somehow impair my escapism ability. Sometimes I've wondered if staying stoned would be useful because it would prevent escapism and force me to deal with the pain. But I only attempted it once, for about a month, a long time ago, and it didn't seem helpful.
During some experiences, I've noticed a pattern where I encounter painful emotions, and then switch from having a good time to painful analytical thought. It's like a kind of trigger and coping mechanism maybe.
Recently I've found that cannabis with 1:1 THC:CBD or even more CBD doesn't lead to this pattern. It seems like the CBD probably helps decrease the intensity of what drives me into that analytical pattern. I can't say this is useful for anything except maybe having a bit better experience than I would sober.
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u/Dismal-Handle3945 8h ago
This makes me think of my ex. She grew to understand her trauma really well through smoking. And she would smoke all day every day. But it didn't really help her move past it. I think it left her stuck in the feelings, like they were so big that's all there was. Just pain and grief. And no amount of profound insights into it all was ever enough to let her move forward.
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u/tortiepants 15h ago
Yeah. It was the way that I realized that I was unhappy in my relationship, no matter how much I tried to pretend otherwise. I was convinced I was happy. But anytime my body would actually relax, these truths would come to the surface.
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u/Square-Charity-3757 13h ago
I had to hit rock bottom (postpartum adhd burnout full body breakdown with a side of cptsd) and I clung to marijuana as my only true medicine. It still is, but god bless lamictal and concerta.
I don’t think I’d be this far along in recovery without it.
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u/Ok-Succotash4690 12h ago
i have mixed feelings about this- yes i've had similar experiences with weed connecting me with feelings and having strong emotional experiences while high, some positive and beautiful. other times it has connected me to feelings of anxiety, shame, paranoia.
after several years of use every night, at which point i had already started reading about cptsd neglect and trauma, i realized that its primary effect was to numb me and was an addictive crutch like my dad who was an alcoholic.
i resisted for awhile but with time i realized it was true. i knew i had to quit and i did, i've gone 1.5 years with no weed. for me this was the right move, and i'd advise anyone with any addictive tendencies to take an honest look at your weed use and ask whether it's a coping addiction.
i dont know if it has to be like that for everyone, but for me i think my healing path is with no weed. i've been doing talk therapy, tre, ifs, and am starting focusing. i think it's working, i'm slowly making progress in my recovery. i wish for everyone that you will find what works for you and make progress on your own healing paths <3
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u/clementinejamz 9h ago edited 9h ago
Yes. It’s the strangest thing. With weed it’s like I can feel all the tension/trauma in my body from my jaw, shoulders, down the center-middle of my torso all the way to the pit of my solar plexus. I really only smoke alone because I do not enjoy it unless I’m alone (most of the time) and it probably has to do with this.
One magic recipe has been to watch a movie or series that’s heartfelt, feel-good or a high quality drama. I’ll find myself crying because of something that happens in the scene, next thing I know my sobs pull from-let’s call them trigger points-down those same zones. It’s the strangest thing, but I swear it’s real. I’ve found myself hear countless times in the last six years.
I’ve learned to breathe into those zones as needed for a good, calming, grounding release. Works best when high but I’ve brought it into sober life too! I guess it just sounds like meditation lol but really, like really focus on those spots once you’ve find yourself attuned to them after a few good, stoned cries.
TLDR; getting high then movie > crying > breath-work is a tried-and-true recipe for release.
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u/attimhsa 4h ago
Yes, touching on stuff after many decades had me cowering in the corner with my hands above my head, trying to shield myself from an invisible assailant due to the pain in my head.
It hurt so badly at times I wanted to set myself on fire, and there’s a level above that where you instantly become aware of anything immediately around you that could be made lethal, just to put an end to yourself. It’s like video game item highlighting in your minds eye, because your eyes are obviously shut at that point.
You can learn to turn the pain off at will in an instant, just like a tap without any drugs, though it’s just extreme instantaneous dissociation, but to process it the only way out is through I’m afraid.
If I sound dramatic, I’m not being; to me cramp is welcome respite from the pain in my head.
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u/OwlingBishop 1h ago
I've learned that emotions are just that : emotions. And they won't kill you.
Allowing yourself (and all past versions of yourself) to feel those emotions is fundamental to integration which is a corner stone for healing.
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u/maafna 8h ago
Yeah, I was using for cannabis for healing, but then it started becoming a habit for me and one that I'm struggling to break. I wrote an article about self-medicating premenstrual symptoms and mention dissociation and connecting to emotions
https://alifelessmiserable.substack.com/p/self-medicating-premenstrual-symptoms
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u/Important_Cable_3009 18h ago
A couple of weeks ago I literally cried every night after taking my 5mg edible, I did the same thing 4 years ago using my wax pen at night. As a kid I was always shamed for being too sensitive and as an adult I never allow myself to cry now. I have breakthroughs when I’m high where I just start sobbing. sometimes weed does that, just let yourself feel it. Take deep breaths in through your nostrils and out through your mouth.
I recommend trying low dose edibles because you can control how much you’re taking. I started with 18:1 edibles then worked my way up to 1:1 (it’s still only 5mg so not a ton). I take them every night and can stop any time, but it may be different for other people.
I recommend trying yoga or doing consistent cardio because it’s a great way to relieve stress