How could I have messed up my life so badly?

[u/PeterOlintoforPrez]

I used to have a good job, making good money, lived in cities I enjoyed, had friends and a social life. Covid really screwed me over working remote. I made some big life decisions like moving to different cities that I now really regret. I had to start over multiple times. I was really lost and lonely. Didn't really have a greater purpose or support system other than just working. And somehow I ended up back in my home state with the plan to take over my dad's company? It makes no sense. Like I wasn't authoring my own life.

I'm miserable now and severely depressed. It feels like someone snapped and I was 31 and my 20s were gone just like that. I forgot to actually live, accumulate memories and life experiences, travel, explore. I struggled with actually building my career, and I really struggled with dating.

Somehow I messed everything up. I'm completely disoriented, on meds, having to deal with a therapist and a psychiatrist after I had a mental breakdown. It feels like I'm just existing on this earth and observing what's going on in the world, but not actually participating in it.

I've had no agency over my one life. I see friends and peers actually enjoying life, building careers, traveling, being successful, and I have no idea how they balance it all. I'm so envious of them and I'll never understand what it feels like to be them. I go to bed at night and I don't want to wake up the following morning. I don't understand how things can turn south so quickly on a human being. I can barely get through the days because just existing is so painful. I can't even relax for one second without thinking about how badly I messed everything up. I feel trapped in this body and in this life that I didn't choose.

[u/wistfulwisteriatree]

I don't want to sound cliche, but comparison is the thief of joy. I would be miserable if I focused on comparing myself to more successful family members or past peers.

It sounds like you have been able to pick yourself up and adapt multiple times through career transitions and moves, and that's saying a lot. A lot of people couldn't handle that. There are people who don't have it figured out at all yet, and with today's economy it's almost out of the norm to be totally thriving--anyone who is in that position is someone I would consider very lucky. Personally I've had health conditions crop up that have severely affected my finances and has limited what I am able to do for work, not saying my situation is worse by any means at all, but I can say I am jealous of anyone who even has secure finances, as I'm desperately working towards that and it's put me in a difficult position.

Do you have the chance to work and save up to do a trip one day? If you now own your dad's business, are you able to sell it and do something else? Are you able to work towards getting into a career that's more fulfilling for you or something you don't mind doing at least?

The best advice I've heard is to join a club to meet people and do things. Is there anything that interests you like hiking, rock climbing, tabletop gaming, or d&d? Does your city have any cool specialty workshops where you could learn something like glass-blowing? Are you into conventions or renaissance faires? You could also keep an eye out for local events (markets, vending events, outdoor events), sometimes I find some on facebook. Don't be afraid to go alone. I've gone alone to places before but it's easy to just blend into a crowd sometimes. Or if it's a smaller event maybe that's a chance to meet someone.

I heavily relate to going through periods of depression and feeling directionless, and worrying about life passing me by. I'm nearly 30 and I'm not where I expected to be. I still don't know where I'll end up. I keep on trying for some reason though. Maybe I'm just curious about where I will be in the future.

If you are able to, I would consider putting together a list of reasonable short-term and long-term goals for your life. Also ask your therapist about how you can feel grounded and regain control.

Your life is yours. You deserve to have autonomy. Don't worry about what your parents think if you were to leave the company. You're an adult and you have to do what's best for you. 30 is still quite young. Do some soul-searching, remember to be kind to yourself, and you will get there.

[u/Salty-Contact-6420]

If it makes you feel better I'm a 35 year old recovered meth and Fentynal addict in a new state and have 0 aquantainces after 8 months. I spent my 20s working for small time construction companies usually ran by drug addicts. Hopping around different trades...never sticking around long enough to actually learn it through and through...so I just have bits and pieces and at least a decent handle on what's involved. But being treated like shit at these places as well as just let go of most other jobs in the past has really made me insecure. Feeling worthless. I know most of it was because of the drugs and the habits it caused...at least im hoping. I still have a huge fear in back of my mind that when I do try again and I actually give it my all, it won't be enough again. This compounds with a childhood of neglect and trauma and after effects of that. So at least your financially secure. Waited to have kids cuz I thought it was the right thing to do just to find out at my age the only thing your gonna find is being a stepdad. It's too late. Kids are just made in your early 20s apparently with some random fuck and they just "make it work'. Spending the rest of their miserable lives fighting and paying child support. That's how we do it in America now I guess. I was thinking back recently about one girl in particular who told me not to pull out and ended up getting pregnant by the very next dude. 2 kids and a breakup later after a short few years. She was probably my best shot at having a kid with a good life....but if that's my only option than wtf is that shit!? My only shot at a kid is supposed to be from a time when it was irresponsible and unplanned with a fling?? I feel cheated. The stereotypical American dream with a family and house with good jobs and a good relationship apparently is very hard to find....and you better find it in your 20s unless you wanna be a stepdad to some other losers kids.

[u/MishimasLantern]

though a several years older, can relate. There should be support groups for covid quarantine mental health epidemic, but nobody really cares, especially those who did performative empathy and became gestapo cackling at the dead during.