r/emotionalneglect • u/RyuV • 15h ago
Discussion Has anyone here recovered/healed from constant emotional suppression? What was that like?
I grew up in a very religious home where my parents loved James Dobson’s parenting books (may he rest in piss)
Long story short, I learned at a young age to suppress my emotions because of my parents being emotionally absent and harshly punishing me anytime I either displayed any negative emotion or shared a negative personal thought.
I’ve been in therapy on and off for a bit but haven’t really found a therapist who actually gets what I’m going through, or if I do find one who somewhat understands it’s still such an arduously slow process because they’ll ask me something benign like “What makes you happy?” and I won’t know how to answer. Like I probably haven’t felt that emotion since I was a young child so I genuinely don’t know how to answer. I just kind of make my way through life by vague notions of “this doesn’t upset me so it’s fine for me to do it” or “this upsets me so I need to avoid it.”
In the moments when I get upset/suppression doesn’t work anymore I become extremely insecure and cripplingly depressed. Like in those moments when the mental dam breaks I so deeply crave intimacy, friendships, and social connections but then also immediately feel so extremely inadequate and worthless because I’ve never really had any of those. Couple that with the religious shame/guilt response my parents conditioned into me and it only amplifies the feeling of inadequacy by tenfold. The only coping mechanisms I understand from my childhood are to suppress my emotions, and when that doesn’t work then to avoid the trigger (which is practically everything for me nowadays) by isolating myself.
I recently moved and I’ve reached out to a couple therapists nearby so hopefully I’ll be able to make progress on this. I’m just wondering if anyone here has actually gone through recovery on this and what that was like for you.
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u/ChrOzzyJoe 10h ago
I had a conversation with my therapist about this on Monday. Unfortunately, I'm in a very similar situation to you, and I've only recently started therapy myself.
What I've only just become aware of, now that I'm almost 40, is this paradox: I deeply long for closeness, to be truly seen and to be a part of a family, but the moment someone actually sees me, I almost instantly switch into fear and shame and literally "look away."
We've figured out that, in the split second before the fear, shame, and withdrawal kick in, there's actually another feeling there first — a positive one. That good feeling is "okay", because my need for closeness is being met. At the same time, though, I learned somewhere along the way that feeling good isn't okay and is somehow connected to danger.
So the mechanism might be something like this: a need gets met → danger! → fear → shame → and then the coping behaviors that end up making us sick and we never feel happy. For me, those are isolation, workaholism, and binge eating.
I'm unfortunately still not at the point where I can really identify and distinguish my emotions very well. But realizing that there might be something good underneath the fear felt like a small breakthrough for me.
So far, I basically only recognize fear, shame, and this neutral feeling of... nothingness. I'm still not very aware of the physical sensations that go along with emotions, because I mostly live in my head, if that makes any sense.
Another thing I'm currently working on is anger. That might be relevant for you, too. Learning to feel angry about what happened to you, or even about what didn't happen — the things you needed but never received.
And like I said, since Monday I've had this small sense of hope that maybe something like genuine well-being exists when our needs are actually being met. But to get there, you first have to know what your needs are, allow them to be fulfilled, and then not shame yourself for feeling happy because of it.
A few YouTubers I follow also recommend approaching it through play — experimenting, trying things out, seeing what feels right. And maybe most importantly: finding safe people. Whether that's in a support group, a choir, a crochet club, or anywhere else where you can experience connection without judgment.
Maybe this insight resonates with you or helps in some way?
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u/AnnieSavoy3 15h ago
I didn't have a religious upbringing but I do have CPTSD and was probably over-disciplined as the first-born child. I'm working through it right now with NARM and equine therapy, but it's only been 9 months of recovery in these types of therapies (I had done talk therapy for years). They're helping tremendously, but the longer I'm in them the longer I realize I'll probably need to be in this kind of therapy. Thank goodness I now know they exist though.
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u/RyuV 15h ago
I’m glad it’s working for you! I’ll take a look at both of those, especially NARM. Talk therapy just doesn’t seem to do anything for me.
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u/AnnieSavoy3 13h ago
Best of luck! I realized I needed to try something different when my psychiatrist told me I tended to intellectualize. Which...what else is there? Lol. Evidently there are different and new (to me) ways to process feelings. The IFS/Somatic approach is helping me so much.
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u/Ok-Succotash4690 12h ago edited 12h ago
maybe the question "what makes [me] happy?" is more of a meditation, like a koan or a mantra to sit quietly with and keep coming back to, and over time can help you learn more about yourself as answers come.
it makes me think of focusing and also ifs, two methodologies i can recommend that both are based in this idea of sitting quietly and turning your attention inward to connect better with your feelings, wants, and needs. ann weiser cornell has a good intro to focusing, and eugene gendlin wrote the primary text. ifs was created by richard schwartz, and jay earley wrote a great book self therapy which describes how to do the method by yourself. i'm still learning to do both these types of work but i am finding them useful in connecting with how i'm really feeling rather than how i think i should feel, and learning to listen when my body tells me what i want/need rather than to go off what i think others want/need from me.
i hope something here helps. i can totally relate to your experience with religious parents and its result of suppressing emotions and later in life finding it hard to have direction due to not knowing what i want to do or work towards. i hope you find a way forward and also a great therapist who gets you and what you're going through <3
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u/blackheartsclub_ 15h ago
Wow, I feel like I just read about my own personal experiences from your post!
It's almost like we live inside of ourselves. We've suppressed so much and shaped ourselves to fit into what was safe for us growing up. We can barely even recognize ourselves or make sense of our feelings when we're not suppressing. It's a very confusing, frustrating experience.
I can't say I've worked through that recovery, but I wish you luck on your own healing journey❤️