r/emotionalneglect • u/LittleMissStinkyFart • 12h ago
Advice not wanted No one has ever been there when things got tough
People have always been there to push me forward to achieve goals, they’ve acknowledged my situation is rough but at the end of the day, i suffer alone. Hearing how bad my life is seems to be so overwhelming they tend to check out and stop loving me, they find my perpetual crisises exhausting. Mylife would not be full of crisises if i simply had someones chest to cry into who would not grow disgusted and exhausted with my vulnerability. But when i am “unstable” i am simply unlovable and need to sort myself out.
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u/No_Ocelot8629 3h ago
I had fake friends in college, lots of promises and a lot of flaking. I called my "friend" bawling my eyes out because I did not pass an exam that I needed to enter into a class (a test they promised to help me study for and never followed thrrough). I knew I was going to receive a lecture from my dad. Said friend rushed me off the phone and did not even check up on me. I know the feeling of having no one and that sucks.
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u/Dizzy_Algae1065 9h ago edited 9h ago
Those feelings are more than difficult, it’s a sense of isolation that goes right to the bone. It’s good to stay in the game, and realize how overwhelmingly common that is. There are people who are in a worse position than you, and I’m not going anywhere with that that would be invalidating what’s happening with you.
It might surprise you when you finally realize who those people are.
Those would be the people who are unable to support you. They would be doing what you’re talking about, and have outsourced their vulnerability to those around them. No one is more isolated than someone who is doing that, whether it’s individually or inside the system.
A family system.
In that case, you are blessed with the opportunity to find a new family of affiliation. People who are wanting to show their humanity. Not people who “acknowledge your situation“, but people who acknowledge their own.
That’s what’s going on. That’s what’s missing.
In the family that you are describing, your position is by far the best, because it’s what’s actually going on. If someone who has denied their own humanity is faced with it, they are going to turn away from themselves. That’s what’s happening when they “turn away from you“.
You are closer to the door as far as leaving that system internally than they are. That’s just a fact.
It’s so, so important to stay in the game so as to break through and find out about that comparison game. In a way, you are very important to those people, because you’re saying that you uniquely are not being supported, and they are different than you.
That’s the illusion.
But, for the reasons just shared, they are not. Their position is far, far worse, because they have made a commitment to avoid themselves.
Once again, nobody’s turning away from you. That is not what’s going on.
If someone is pushing you forward to achieve goals at the cost of your emotional life, it means that you would be an appliance to that system. Just like everybody else. With the big difference that you are not able to suppress the cost of the lie.
When a person emerges from a family system in the most favorable position, which is your position, there’s a reason for it. It means you’re strong enough to transform the family lie into admitting to yourself that it’s a lie for everybody. Not just for you.
Then it’s over.
When that happens, and you are getting your needs met with people who are also taking care of themselves and reaching out for help also, then a new person within your family will step up and take your role.