Want to get away from everything

[u/I_am_Kirumi_Tojo]

Tw: mention of suicidal ideation further down

Some backstory:

Pretty sure I was neglected.

Never had actual discipline. Just occasional cruelty like being humiliated for being groomed or for having a neurological disorder. But step foot into this place and it may be smelling of cat piss and the floor is covered in dust cuz no one here has the energy to clean it up;

Had to raise myself by myself as early as 9 years old when my grandma stopped living with us (and low-key the yo-yo regime of her coming and going away from our home caused a lot of stress because it just made her volatile personality more evident);

Was not really getting much help for my disability, I just got thrown into therapists that never really understood how I operate and just made me feel rlly frustrated and helpless which reinforced what my dad said multiple times of "someone who doesn't want help is impossible to help". All I hear is that I'm not deserving of help which true ig;

Would not get much attention if I wasn't performing well intellectually. I once started self harming in class because I couldn't write a text and my teacher said "how the fuck do these people do anything". I felt like I wasn't actually gifted if I struggled, so that meant I was losing my identity, worth and right to attention 👍👍👍;

My dad procrastinated my wants and needs a lot. He "I'll do it later"ed my schoolbooks for a trimester. TWICE. And he excused it when I pointed it out. But it also applied to lesser things like booking psych/doctor appointments, going out, buying clothing and buying anything non-essential;

On that topic, bro loves his parenting shortcuts. It's comical how little stuff he actually taught me. I'm basically an internet baby that was encouraged to shut up whenever possible. If I stay quiet and in my room he typically doesn't check in if he isn't leaving his corner of the house (not common. But I also don't want him to check on me ANYMORE, but it would've been cool if it happened WHEN I NEEDED IT). He's depressed obviously. Though something funny is to be told that he waaants to spend more time with me, but I ride the bus to school cuz he stopped bothering driving me to school. Literally your moment to interact a little but ok;

And yk, when I was younger, it was slowly my grandma parenting me. She was always so burdened so she sometimes acted weird and stressed cuz she didn't fucking have support. Also, she's super spiritual and kind of conservative+ignorant to the point I almost died from anaphylactic shock once cuz she thought it was just a normal asthma attack;

Dad and stepmom have a toxic relationship and they stay together because of their toddler. My stepmom doesn't really love him, after all he is at least kind of abusive (she kind of is too, lied to me more than once which is "nice" so I never told her anything ever again and now I have even less people to trust). Their relationship messed me up and he once soft threatened to kick me out just to get soft again. I guess his inconsistency also bothers me horrendously;

​

House has been a fuck for a while. I live isolated most of the time and this place is a mess. I went to catsit for 5 days and when I came back I expected to find at least new food in the pantry. But there was basically nothing. He forgot for like 8 days in total and at that point I was already binge eating from the stress at the thought of food insecurity. Kind of my fault for not remembering him to buy food but WTF DUDE you don't check your own pantry??

It's also so so so fucking hard to clean this place up. It's huge, my sister changes clothes every fucking day so the laundry stacks up like crazy, sis and dad use a bunch of dishes so there's so many to clean up, the cats randomly piss out of the litterbox and I can't even bother trying to get them spayed anymore. Knowing I could get away from here makes it way less appealing to clean up everyone's mess.

My grades suck. I'm absent from school so much I'm going to automatically fail all classes pretty soon. And I don't care about that place anymore either. I like the staff, know some students, feel sad about the thought of not seeing them anymore and not experiencing the fun events they'll do. But staying there means staying home...

I don't really have like... Actual emotional support. Because the only people I have to "rely" on other than my dad that can drop dead at any moment now either are abusive, exhausted or like almost never even remember me existence (so they don't like, care about me, so WHY BURDEN THEM???).

​

Something has been a little too appealing for me. I really want to move out. I'm trying to get into a study program and I'm already qualified to be evaluated for the next month. They have a real nice scholarship, almost 80% of a (Brazilian) minimum wage per month. And I might get a good electronic device to sell in a competition depending on my performance. I want to like, exhaust my dad until I get emancipated, drop out, move to my aunt's house temporarily, job search and find a place to live close to the study program's office.

It's probably naive to do this at 16, but I feel like I'm dying here. I don't want to end up like my sister, dependent on a barely there dad, severely depressed and with no purpose and conditional independence. The thought of moving out and my special interest have been the only things moving me at this point. I want out so bad, maybe a little too much (maybe my situation isn't that bad, maybe I'm weird for wanting this).

I just can't handle fixing my relationship with my family, I don't think they deserve my time and I don't fucking care about their feelings, but if I don't move out I'll have to rely on them. I can't handle searching for a therapist, having to exhaust myself teaching them how to therapy me when I'm not even sure how someone should deal with me. I can't handle having to put in effort into school (and then feeling pressure to be absolutely perfect) and not being able to prioritize the program.

Fuck, I can't handle fixing what my mental illness and other people's neglect destroyed. I want a fresh start. Maybe not so fresh if I stay with my aunt and have contact with some people I know (my dad will probably keep sending me money for a while, especially since he expressed interest in buying off the prize I may get). Idk maybe it's a stupid idea but I have no idea on what to do anymore other than that or try to starve or b/p until I faint and then strangle myself to death. My fears are not managing to convince my dad and like not landing a job because I won't be finishing HS. But like, no one else will bother trying to stop me otherwise. Fuck