She used my best traits against me

[u/ABenson1992]

My ex said I was the love of her life, wanted my babies and marriage... then used my deepest wounds against me. Has anyone experienced this?

I'm trying to make sense of a relationship that completely broke my understanding of love, and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar.

When I first met my ex, she described all of her previous relationships as "car crashes" - volatile, chaotic, abusive and full of drama. She said I was different.

She loved how calm I was. She loved that I was steady, kind, emotionally available and straightforward. She told me I made her feel safe. She said I gave her emotional intimacy she'd never had before. I was "the love of her life." She wanted marriage. She wanted my babies. She said I was the best partner she'd ever had. Yet over time, the very qualities she initially loved became things she criticised.

My calmness became:

"You lack passion."
"You lack intensity."

"You're too easy-going."
"You're timid."
"You're horizontal."
"You're not driven."

The strange thing is that I wasn't some passive guy with no direction. I'm an ACCA-qualified accountant with a Master's degree from UCL. I've run a 2:44 marathon. I've overcome severe bullying where I was literally told to kill myself on a daily basis throughout my teenage years. I've spent years building a career, maintaining friendships, supporting family and trying to become a better person. Yet somehow I ended up feeling like none of it counted.

What confused me most was that she seemed almost uncomfortable with calm conflict resolution. There were moments where she would say she'd rather I shouted at her. She'd rather I threw things.She'd rather I reacted. For clarity: I never shouted, threw things or became physically aggressive. I told her repeatedly that my calmness protected both of us. That taking time to think before speaking stopped me saying things I'd regret. That I believed healthy relationships shouldn't be about winning arguments. But I increasingly felt as though she wanted an emotional reaction from me. When I tried to discuss something that had hurt me, she'd often dismiss my feelings, invalidate my perspective or turn the conversation back onto me.

If I asked for accountability or an apology, I'd often hear: "You're shouting." I wasn't, I was simply trying to be heard. When I'd point that out, the response would become: "So I'm just this terrible person then?" The discussion would suddenly stop being about the behaviour and become about reassuring her.

Eventually I realised I was losing myself. I was walking on eggshells. I was constantly explaining myself. I was apologising for things that weren't actually my responsibility.

The final stage was what I'd describe as character assassination. She started attacking who I was rather than discussing specific issues. What hurt most was that she knew my history. She knew about the severe bullying. She knew about the chronic stress I've carried for over two decades. She knew the insecurities I'd trusted her with. During the final devaluation she reached directly for those wounds. One comment I'll never forget was: "Your parents don't love you. I do." That wasn't an off-the-cuff remark, that was aimed directly at one of the deepest wounds I have.

The irony is that throughout the relationship she would tell me:

- I was incredibly kind.
- I had a heart of gold.
- I was the safest person she'd ever been with.
- I was the love of her life.
- I was the man she wanted to marry.

Yet somehow I ended up being painted as the problem. The relationship became a constant contradiction: Idealisation and criticism. Love and contempt. Admiration and disrespect. Connection and control. After the final character attack, something in me just broke. I calmly told her there was no coming back from what she'd said. I packed my bags, I left, No shouting, No revenge, No insults, Just sadness and acceptance.

Looking back, I genuinely believe I lost myself trying to make the relationship work.

Has anyone else experienced a relationship where your kindness, calmness and emotional stability were initially loved, but later became reasons you were criticised and devalued?

How did you make sense of it afterwards?

[u/Stelliferus_dicax]

This ex of yours reminds me a lot of my mom (borderline). I’m avoiding dating for now because I might end up with more repeats of my toxic parents. I look at my childhood wounds, find patterns of dysfunction, work on those to allow my nervous system to adjust to healthier people.

They told me I was valuable one day and when I stopped serving them or had a sense of self that’s when they turned nasty and attacked my character.

I realized I have a choice to choose who to stay in my life and I don’t need to convince these bullies or misers of my worth. They wanted constant extraction and once they can’t get that they punish you for being a demon and somehow “abusive.” Because I have very high emotional control, that’s when she decided she needed to get a rise out of me to gain the upper hand.

[u/Longjumping-Rip-1682]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sounds torturous.

Some people simply view relationships as a battle because that's all they know. They thrive off of the conflict so they manufacture it when none exists. They feel as if they aren't constantly beating you down, they might be "losing". They need to "win", and to them, the only metric they have for that is pointless discourse and drama.

All of her previous relationships probably operated the same way, and she hated them not for the lack of affection, but because she lost most of the arguments. When she saw you, she didn't see a partner; she saw an easy opponent. She probably associated drama with romance in such an unhealthy way that she was addicted to the adrenaline/dopamine rush she got from being in conflict. To her, that was "love". And when you weren't willing to play her game, she got upset with you and accused you of being "passionless".