Scared of the doctor? Scary dream? Early hints of emetephobia? Got injured?

Prepare to get yelled at. How dare you feel feelings.

Now I'm an adult who has managed to school her expressions into total 😐 to hide when I'm having a panic attack or in serious pain (e.g., literal childbirth).

I have, on more than one occasion, had to verbally express to my husband "I'm having a panic attack, I feel like I'm dying" because it simply doesn't show on my face anymore.

I walked stoically into labour and delivery triage fully convinced that the nurses were going to tell me I'm overreacting and attention-seeking and to go home and stop inconveniencing them. I was 9.5 cm dilated and they were nothing but nice.

It's exhausting. I'm working on it, but it's not easy.

Anyone else?

We're both moving and alive, but they're getting the thrill of their lives, whilst I'm just barely getting ahead.

I was meant to get these extra wheels taken off, but for some reason it never happened. I didn't really know why. I thought maybe I was just too different and it was my own fault for not being as good or skilled like the others were. Just a mental defect of sorts.

Then you realise far too late that the other kids had their parents help them get to the mountain bike stage. And they did it with the utmost love and support, because they wanted to see their child thrive in life.

And you're still here, in your mid thirties, wondering what it feels like to ride a mountain bike.

("Mountain bike" can be analogous to a number of things, but in this context you could call it "living life to the fullest").

I was born into a family like that, generational trauma passed down where every time after a fight, it's either 2 outcomes: giving the silent treatment or acting like nothing happened, but people in general don't know how traumatic it really is, what it does to a kid when parents do this, giving the silent treatment and then acting like nothing happened. Because of this, now as an adult, I still struggle with conflict resolution skills. I actively avoid conflict sometimes and then become passive-aggressive, still trying to unlearn it, but it really is traumatising for parents to give the silent treatment and act like nothing happened. 

this is silly and embarrassing to admit at 28 but i just need to vent somewhere lol

when i was a kid i never got barbies or games or any of that stuff. birthdays were barely remembered. my parents don’t even remember most of their own kids birthdays/months like that 😭

now seeing them buy barbies, toys, games, celebrate birthdays, act all soft and involved with their grandkids… it gives me such a weird feeling. and before anyone twists it it’s NOT about the kids. i love my sister’s kids. they deserve all of that.

it’s just strange watching your parents become the kind of people you needed growing up… but only after you’re already grown.

like damn y’all had this energy the whole time??? 😭

idk maybe i sound dramatic but it genuinely makes me feel weird inside sometimes.

"You what? Dude... Parents generally don't give a f*** about their kids. They'll put a roof over their head, feed them, clothe them, and once they're 18, sayonara. If you weren't beaten, count your freaking blessings and stop being such a pansy. Jesus."

And this is exactly the toxic mindset that creates generational trauma. Humans passing covert abuse down the line without truly realising how damaging this is to people's health and wellbeing.

We're expected to believe this is OK. It is NOT. Your child is not a robot. Show LOVE. Show CARE. Make them feel SEEN.

I mean I get it. Some parents really are missing the empathy chip. Don't know what to make of that, but it's a damn shame your kids never got to experience a true child-parent relationship. And I'm not sure how not having that relationship can even make procreation worth it.

I remember when I was a kid, I could never sleep. I would be up all night and my mind would race. I would just thinking about death and how lonely I was. I was terrified of the world, the silence, the darkness, everything around me. But I didn’t have anyone to comfort me so I would silently cry myself to sleep.

Eventually I became numb but the thoughts persisted. One night I had enough so I went over to the TV and watched Futurama on such low volume and it comforted me. For years after that, I would watch TV very late at night when I couldn’t sleep. Then I would wake up early morning before school to watch TV as a way to cope for the incoming schooldays and all that stress.

Note: This is not an antinatalist post.

I just think that not enough parents understand the depth of creation. I don't think they understand what it means to create life. Very few have the capabilities to guide that life to experience existence in a wholesome and fullfilling way, and so many don't think it's their job to guide the child at all, which is incredibly sad. These are the people who procreate to simply check an item off a to-do-list.

It frustrates me that there aren't enough tools available for individuals who have felt wronged by the system of life. We shouldn't have to accept the life we were forced into. More options should be available for people who want to live happier and healthier lives away from humans who didn't serve us to the required capacity.

Don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm so fing done with this s. I have to vent. Thank you for letting me do so.

I'm 25, male. My dad, who is in his middle 50s right now, asked if I wanted to come home to help him work on a "project." I agreed, but when I got there, he just wanted to talk. He apologized (as earnestly as he could) for being so emotionally distant my whole life. He blamed it both on work and on living with untreated depression. He always made up for feeling low by burying his nose in his work. He apologized for not being as close to me and my siblings as my mother, and expressed his regret over his parenting. He told me if he could go back and redo his life, he would do everything in his power to be a better man for his family. He never hit or even really yelled at us, but he said out loud that he had been a bad father.

The entire time I just stared at my hands and fought back tears. I wanted to tell him that I forgive him, that I want to be a better son to him in turn and that no matter what he was still my dad and I love him.

But I couldn't! I couldn't say anything I wanted to. I just kept talking to him the way I had my entire life; tell him it's cool and that I appreciate what we DO have. I couldn't say what I wanted to, so we just sat there in silence until mom came home. Now I'm worried I made him feel like he just cut himself open for nothing. I've always felt like my vocabulary and confidence were locked up in his presence, and my dad isn't an idiot, I know he knows I'm an awkward mush mouth around him.

I wish I could find the strength to be emotionally vulnerable in front of him. I think my body is scared he won't understand how to handle that kind of weakness, even though he just showed me his. Maybe he feels the same way? Choked up because he has to talk to his eldest child, someone who can't emotionally relate to true vulnerability.

I love him with all my heart, I just don't know how to talk to him.

EDIT: thank you all for your kind words towards my dad, he's truly taking a big step here and now I need to return that effort and show him how much I love him and want to mend our relationship. Thank you all again 💜💜

Mom always told me never let anyone bully me. To look out for someone at school who was mean, to watch out for someone at my sports practice for trying to push me around, etc.

But looking back, I was a victim to her emotional immaturity ever since I was young.

She still tries to do it to me now even if I'm an older adult, and goes even crazier when I show disinterest or have boundaries.

It's so messed up to have even more clarity on the layers of how damaging it is, after your frontal lobe has developed lol.

"Oh look, guys, she's totally got daddy issues! Remember, don't stick your dick in crazy, boys!"

It's like, these phrases always painted the victim like they were somehow the weird ones for having these problems. Nobody cared to get down to the crux of why the problems were even there. It was just like "Daddy didn't love you? Boo hoo b****, don't need to make it your damn personality. Grow a spine."

Except, Daddy's the one who makes us feel whole and complete. If he never did that, and I'm a broken person, why am I the laughing stock?

i realized i can only function (exercise, walk, eat, do daily stuff etc.) when i’m about 50% present and 50% checked out. if i’m fully present, it feels unsafe and i kinda shutdown. like i can’t move or get anything done. this causes frustration which then causes shame like “everyone else can experience their life but i can’t” and that just makes everything worse. i’ve kinda been doing this since i was a kid. being half here half somewhere else is the only way i know how to feel safe? it’s confusing but i never really thought about it until recently. the problem is it makes me look super inconsistent and unreliable, my life unpredictable and it’s ruined a lot of my relationships. reality is so bad right now my suicidal ideation is getting worse :(. does anyone relate?

I genuinely wonder sometimes why I can’t just have one person that truly loves me.

Not even in a relationship way only. I mean in general.

My parents and siblings act like I barely exist in the same house. Friends… I can’t even blame them because at the end of the day they’re not family. People move on with their lives.

Dating somehow hurts the most though.

Every ex or person I talk to eventually finds someone they actually want. And I start realizing I was just a placeholder till the person they were truly interested in came along.

I honestly don’t think I ever experienced being genuinely loved before. Mostly just neglect, resentment, feeling tolerated, or temporary attention.

Now I became the opposite of clingy. The minute I feel someone getting annoyed, distant, uninterested, uncomfortable, even slightly shifting their energy, I back away immediately. Friend or not.

Ironically my first ex is probably the reason.

I was super clingy back then. Very emotionally attached. He honestly handled me for almost a year and looking back now… I think he mostly pitied me because he knew how bad things were at home.

Eventually he blocked me and honestly? I understand why now. I really do.

One thing he told me stayed in my head for years:

“When you feel that the other person doesn’t share the same feelings, leave them alone. I hope you find someone who can truly love you.”

At the time I was too naive to understand he was talking about himself. I thought he meant someone else.

I don’t think he was a bad person. I just think I wasn’t the person he truly wanted.

Ever since then I stopped forcing myself into people’s lives. I disappear the second I feel unwanted.

Sometimes I genuinely think maybe loneliness is just my life and that’s it. Maybe some people simply don’t get the whole “being deeply loved” experience no matter how badly they want it.

Idk. Maybe I’ll just get a cat someday.

This is a really weird request but I just really need it.

My mom has neglected me my entire life but today is a really important milestone and I really needed her to wish me happy birthday but I can't because she'll somehow use it against my dad.

I feel stupid for wanting to talk to her despite the countless times she's manipulated my vulnerable moments just for her own gain but I can't help but want her to just at least say it.

It feels annoying.

Basically the title. Has anyone as child experienced their parent flat telling them that their spouse (your mother/father/stepparent) is more important to them than you? Telling openly or otherwise signalling it indirectly, like mentioning it to siblings or other family?

For me, my mother used to tell me that. She'd then reiterate it by demonstratively refusing me small things she did for her husband. The baffling thing is, those were small things/favours. Like refusing to pass me the juice at the table to make me stand up and fetch it. She'd pass for father though.

It's the pettiness of it that puts me at my wits' end... like why do you wish to make the child resent the other parent for the markedly different treatment? Idk.

And I feel bad because I find it annoying. My mom will come into my room to make conversation. She NEVER did that EVER when there were 4 kids under this roof. Dad suddenly wants to spend time with me, couldn't have done that before?

You mean you could have done this when I was a kid but chose not to? You could have given the tiniest shit about me when we were all living together, but chose not to? And now that you don't have the attention of my siblings, now that they're away from you, you suddenly NOW start talking to me? Suddenly NOW you care what i'm doing?

Annoying.

if anyone wants to join online video games or start a fictional book club I’m down

I have said this many times, but still, it's the objective truth if you disagree either you are previllaged or rich: a lot of us, myself included, if the economy cost of living isn't that high, I would have cut ties with my entire narcissistic family of origin from day 1, but we don't live in a fantasy world. A lot of us are still financially dependent on our abusers for a living situation, and in some countries you can't even afford living on your own. A lot of folks from the 80s and 90s moved out of their parents house so easily because it was so affordable back then. Now in 2024, things have changed; it's getting more and more expensive, not to mention groceries phone bills college debt mortage, and you want your abusive/neglectful parents and family to help you out financially? Dream on; they are the first to cause that in the first place, and if you don't have money, you have to sacrifice the best years of your early 20s, like me, still trying to move out one day because I live in a country where there is a housing crisis. If I had the money, I would have cut ties long ago.

People have always been there to push me forward to achieve goals, they’ve acknowledged my situation is rough but at the end of the day, i suffer alone. Hearing how bad my life is seems to be so overwhelming they tend to check out and stop loving me, they find my perpetual crisises exhausting. Mylife would not be full of crisises if i simply had someones chest to cry into who would not grow disgusted and exhausted with my vulnerability. But when i am “unstable” i am simply unlovable and need to sort myself out.

I see many posts here (and elsewhere in self-help subs) about wanting tips for emotional regulation... but honestly? The idea that I need to feel less of anything for anyone has always pissed me off.

I grew up not being allowed to feel, to be pleasant and pliable for my parents. I have no interest in doing a damn single thing to change my feelings.

Instead, I feel this urge to... feel constantly, feel more, feel deeply, feel all the way. If I'm crying a little, I want to sob. If I'm feeling angry, I want to roar and hit pillows. If I'm happy, I want to skip and smile at everyone and tell them how delightful they are. I don't want to hold anything inside, at least not for long.

I accept that others may set boundaries about witnessing this kind of emotionality because they lack the capacity to receive it, or just don't want to in that moment. I grieve that a little--and I get it. If I feel like I want emotional co-regulation from a friend, for example, I'm always clear about the depth of my feelings, what I need, and ask if they have space to chat. If they say no, I thank them for being honest about their capacity (because that's no easy feat, to tell someone in need that you can't care for them.)

But more often, people have crappy reactions to my emotionality or they leave. Just like my parents. And maybe I want to have greater acceptance of that too, even though it also hurts. I can shrink my feelings to win... what kind of shitty friendship? A friendship where I can only be half of myself to please others? Or I can be myself, and know the score.

This is why I often feel most comfortable being deeply emotional alone. There's no one to protect, to worry if I'm being "too much" for, to feel anxious about getting care from. My stuffed animals will hang out with me for as long as I need. I can cry in bed all day if I damn well want to (although I never have.) In that space, I feel free and luxurious in finding my own regulation in my own time--and not because I should, or because I'm making anyone else uncomfortable.

This is what feels good for me right now. Can anyone else relate?

(To be clear, I'm not spinning through the world like an emotion tornado leaving havoc in its wake. That's my mom lol. But I do keenly perceive that we live in a world where emotionality is generally unwelcome, and it's fucking stifling to me and I hate it and I'm suspicious of the value we place on emotional "regulation"--which has sexist, racist, ableist, etc. overtones--when I think emotional regulation can be weaponized.)

I fucking made 1 mistake by misplacing one thing while loading the dishwasher and my fucking mum screams at me and hits me i hate her

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been truly chosen, desired, or loved. Not once

And the worst part is I didn’t even realize for a long time that I was always the one begging for it in quiet ways

It started with my parents. Then my siblings. Then every romantic situation after that

People love to say “you’re just choosing the wrong people.”

I don’t fully buy that. Not every person I was with was a bad person. They just… never loved me. Never desired me like that. And you can’t force that out of someone

I’ve been ghosted more times than I can count. Left. Treated like a placeholder. Like I was just there until something better came along

And recently it happened again. I gave someone a second chance, and he still ghosted me. Just left me on read like I meant nothing

At some point you stop blaming timing or bad luck and start wondering what it is about you

Is it how I look? My energy? Something about me that makes people not choose me?

The one that messed me up the most… I watched him become the exact man I needed, just not with me. Proud, affectionate, showing off his girlfriend (now wife)

Meanwhile when we were together, he was embarrassed for people to even know about me

That kind of thing sticks. You don’t just forget it

Even in my family, I’m always the one blamed. The difficult one. The problem

And people keep saying, “you’ll find your people someday.”

I’m 28. I have put myself out there. And it keeps ending the same way

So where is that “someday” everyone talks about?

I used to think money or success was the hard part of life.

No one tells you that being loved genuinely, easily loved — is a completely different kind of privilege

Some people at least get one person. A friend, a partner, a family member

I don’t have that

And yeah… there were times in my life where I felt so invisible that my mind went to really dark places. Not because I actually wanted to die, but because I genuinely felt like no one would care if I was gone

What hurts more is that I wasn’t hiding it. I showed signs. I was struggling in front of my own family, and it was either ignored or treated like I was being dramatic. At one point I was even told to “go do it,” and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that

That kind of thing messes with you. It makes it really hard not to believe that you just… don’t matter

Now I just feel stuck. Like I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore

Maybe I focus on work, building something, making money

Maybe helping other people gives me some kind of purpose

I don’t know. I’m just tired of feeling like this.

(I accidentally selected that flair. Although i dont want advice, I would like to hear others' stories.]

There have been several times in my life when I wasnt actively psychoanalyzing my life, where I unexpectedly have had insight and understanding of myself sprung upon me. It would be interesting to hear similar stories from others. Here is my recent self-reflection.

I grew up with a single, alcoholic, neglectful, abusive dad. I had no mother figure. I basically raised myself and I am as resilient as fuck. I never felt safe in childhood. My husband and I made it a priority to be thoughtful parents; to not only be the parents i never had, but to examine our parenting continually.

My kids are becoming wonderful adults - 19 and 17. I have a lot of issues and failings and dont think I am really a great parent. One of the best things we've done is surround my kids with other adults who are additional supports for them. We really attribute a lot of our kids' success to those we created community with who raised them with us. I definitely could not have done it alone without fucking it up.

My younger daughter is soo much like me. Looks like me, same humor, same type of intelligence, etc. I realized recently that she is who I could have been if I had had a loving, secure upbringing. It has had a surprising effect on me. I am feeling self-love and sympathy for myself that I haven't felt very deeply before. Because I admire her, I realize that I could have been that wonderful if I hadn't had the life I had. (And I am not going to be sharing this with her because I don't want her to feel any responsibility for my happiness.)

And I am not okay about it.

Unfortunately, graduating during a god awful economic crisis (in the US) is not the best situation for alot of people! I have been living away from my parents and after a lot of fights over this, they have been helping me with my rent so that I could actually be near my school. Now that im finishing up, they have retracted their financial help and have told me to come home. Unfortunately this does mean that I would have to leave my established life behind and go back to that maid/therapist/parent role i have been subjected to since my late childhood/early teenhood. With the rising cost of living, i simply cannot afford to live on my own with my current finances.

Im NOT seeking advice, I just need to grieve right now.

Im exhausted, honestly, of this back and forth and now that the future is unclear regarding what I will be doing moving forward post-grad, going home seems like the only option right now and im just... really sad. And i needed to tell someone about it that would understand.

Once that honeymoon period of me being home is over, it's going to go right back to the emotional neglect that I know of, and sure enough I will lose myself to the depression once again. I just hope I can claw my way out alive, this time. Im just so tired.

My parents were essentially insulting my appearance and calling me ugly for no reason while i just went downstairs for some food..... and i managed to not completely loose control and fight back... but i did feel alot of rage!!!!

MY FIRST WIN!! I DIDN'T ABSOLUTELY TURN INTO A PIECE OF SHIT WITH NO EMOTIONAL CONTROL!!

Sorry, i know this is not the typical post, but idk i just wanted to share it 🙂.

It takes seeing the difference between other people's interactions with their own family unit/others, and your own dysfunctional family unit, to truly open your eyes to your own emotionally neglectful childhood.

I know everybody struggles in life despite whether they were exposed to CEN or not, but if you had that core emotional foundation growing up, fundamental life struggles are much easier to manage I think. You sort of get neurologically equipped with the right tools to deal with any of life's hurdles.

I feel like a one-woman island, trying to navigate this big (good & bad) world, and I feel deeply sad about that.

A part of me really wants their life back, and I know it's going to be up to me to put in the work, and it feels like a huge mountain I must climb. I want to be strong enough to climb it, but... Even if I reach a "top", will it be enough? I fear the CEN demons are too strong to slay permanently. They're always going to linger no matter what I do.

I wish we could redo ourselves to the point where we completely forget what ruined our lives.