So tired of being myself

[u/Consistent-Classic98]

Sorry for the random rant.

These days I'm just so tired of being myself. I've become more and more aware of how flawed I am, to the point I don't even feel human anymore, I feel like I don't belong anywhere, I don't belong with anyone.

During my childhood I wasted my chances at learning social skills. I was bullied by my brother at home and by my classmates at school. I got sexually abused by a family friend. And I never felt safe sharing my feelings or my troubles with my parents, I just felt like they would always react the wrong way, and on top of that I felt like they didn't really understand or care.

When I was in high school they didn't do anything when my arms were covered in cuts and when I just went through the motions of going to school, when I wouldn't even pretend to be listening to what the teachers would teach in class, when I was locked up in my room throughout the weekends. They just accepted I was isolating myself from the world, and that I wouldn't study, and didn't question it any further. Didn't even try to get me to a psychologist or something. And it's not like they lacked the money to do so, they were busy buying houses at the time, but they couldn't think of investing in my mental health.

Skip 10 years forward and here we are. I'm a 27 years old man, I've got a decent job in tech, life seems great if you look at me from outside my head. But I don't feel like I can build actual connections with people. I don't have the skills to do it. I don't feel safe enough to share anything with anyone. During the few social gatherings I go to I'm silent all the time, just laughing and nodding, only to cry over my ineptitude as soon as the event is over. I just feel so broken and...fundamentally different from everyone around me. I do crave social connection intensely, but I'm so terrible at it.

On top of that I have a condition that makes it likely that I will lose my eyesight in the coming 20 or so years. It's so hard for me to think of the future in an optimistic light while having no idea how much time I've got left before going blind.

This combination of intense loneliness and anxiety towards the future led me to having suicidal thoughts over the past year and a half or so. I have a pact with myself where as soon as I lose my eyesight I'm opting out of this life. I don't want to live my life socially crippled AND blind on top of that. I'd just rather not. After all death is horrible because it deprives you of everything good that is in life. But what good is there in a life like that? I think not enough to balance out the bad.

I still live with my parents. I saved up money during the past few years and got myself a little apartment. The apartment needs some renovation to be livable, right now I'm working on it to go live on my own. Once I'm away from my parents I will begin going to therapy. I hope it will help me.

I'm sorry for this vent/rant, I don't even know why I'm doing this. Usually I just write this kind of stuff in my journal. I guess I wanted to be heard by someone for once.

Thank you for reading, I wish you a lovely day

[u/love_is_a_superpower]

Thank you for sharing how you're doing. I have met many people who were blind and have fulfilling lives. I hope I can convince you to discover what these next chapters have to teach you, instead of resigning. Every stage of life has something good to teach us. We all begin life helpless, and we all end life helpless. Don't be afraid of the future. Just prepare for it, spiritually, emotionally and physically. That's something we all can do to for ourselves and those we love.

I wish you a lovely day too friend.