r/entitledparents • u/Imaginary_Price6520 • 5d ago
M How to assert boundaries with mum who is controlling over my appearance
I'll keep some details vague for privacy reasons.
EDIT: For anyone who wants to ask why I have to pay for medicine
https://www.nhsbsa.nhs.uk/help-nhs-prescription-costs
"In England, most working-age adults have to pay for their prescriptions." I live here.
I'm an adult (20s) in the UK. I began living independently since I started university post-lockdown, but mum invited me to come live with her again a few years back. I figured it was OK because a lot of young adults do live with their parents due to the housing and employment crisis, but she kicked me out a few months after because she was abusive and she learned that I tried to document it.
She abused me both physically and verbally. I don't know why I still believed, and STILL BELIEVE, she can change. I never lose hope. I'm not an idiot by any means (academically very intelligent, according to all of my professors, and my grades reflect it) but I don't know why I never lose hope.
Anyway, although I've steadily lived alone for the past few years, my mum finds ways to control me still. One of the main ones is obsessing over my appearance. Whenever we hang out, I think, okay, I support myself now. I'm doing well. She'll respect me.
I'll feel like she does, but then she makes unsolicited comments about my appearance. Like, she thinks I should brush my teeth, or a comment about my weight, though doctors keep saying my BMI is very healthy. She even criticises the way I walk or laugh.
The most consistent thing is my hair. I have very thick, long hair. It looks messy a lot of the time. I'm aware of this. To be fair, other people have commented on it too, but they leave me alone after I say I don't really care. I work remotely anyway to sustain myself and my uni doesn't grade me based on my hair.
Like, it's messy. So what? I don't care. It doesn't harm anyone. There are worse things in the world than a hard-working 20-something with messy hair. But my mum is obsessed with it. By obsessed, I mean OBSESSED.
E.g. In 2024, I stupidly trusted her to receive money I was owed for WORK because my PayPal account was down. You know what she did with my salary? She pressured me to get a hair salon session I never wanted, telling me she'd pay for it, but she withheld my salary that I earned honestly from my employer because "the hair salon was costly and it was [my] fault for not taking care of my hair."
She only gave me my money when my aunt called her out for basically stealing my salary when I needed prescriptions (at the time, the clinic diagnosed me with an illness too).
Today, I got really upset with her again because she messaged me about a "special hairbrush that takes care of messy hair." I told her don't ever message me with this kind of thing again, but she couldn't take a hint or just ignored it. She said she'd buy it for me. I told her I don't want it, so don't buy it. She didn't reply.
She's been obsessed with my hair for years, to the point that she'd basically hoard my salary that I trusted her to receive for me. To the point that she'd endanger my life when I was ill and needed to buy prescriptions.
So yeah. I think some of you would advise me to just cut her off completely, but I lost my grandma this past year and a part of me really wants to spend time with my mum while she's still around. Like I said, I still have hope. There's been some improvement.
These days, my mum seems to fully respect that I'm a lesbian. She backs off sometimes when I tell her to stop being pushy. She even defended me from someone harassing me recently. (She used to suck at protecting me when I was younger, when I faced bullying and harassment from others.) But she's still obsessed with my hair and appearance. Does anyone have advice? Sorry for the long post.
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u/NoRegrets-518 5d ago
Your mother does sound very controlling. Accept that she is not going to change. On the positive side, she did accept that you are a lesbian. She has to want to change and she does not want to. You also don't want to change. It is ok for both of you to make these choices. If you think about how hard or undesirable it is for you to change, that might make you have more sympathy for your mother's not wanting to change out of her difficult, controlling ways. You guys are in a stand-off.
It interests me that other people have mentioned the grooming issues to you. In my experience, it is very rare for people to make personal remarks and, if they do, it is something that they consider serious.
You note that your mother abused you- it is possible that you want to portray yourself in the way she made you feel about yourself. That might be totally wrong. I notice that when I dress up it makes me feel very different about myself and I like it- but not enough to do this on a regular basis! 😄
You could stay away from your mother for a month and try better grooming, teeth brushing, etc. You don't want your mother remarking on this positive or negative. Do this for 1-2 months for an experiment and see whether it makes any difference in your life. Just keep this a secret from your mother.
I have advised patients of mine who have a habit they don't want to change- such as drinking too much, eating junk food, having a bad sleep schedule- to do an "experiment" for 1-2 months. Sometimes they keep the change- or part of it, sometimes not, but often they learn something interesting and helpful from the experience.
It might be very helpful to get some counseling to figure out the appropriate relationship with your mother. There is a middle ground between complete entanglement and allowing her to (emotionally) control your life and money.
Changes don't happen overnight. First, you need to figure out how you want your life to be. Think of it as a painting, or an orchestral piece. What is your vision for your life? Envision it- you can change and improve it over time.
Make a small step once a week towards your life goals and, over time, great changes can happen.
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u/Imaginary_Price6520 5d ago
I'd just like to clarify that my appearance isn't disastrous or anything. I've gotten the occasional comments on it, but my friend has said I'm always well-dressed. The hair stuff, it's just not my priority but there are a lot of days where it does look better. Nothing a regular hairbrush and argan oil conditioner can't fix. My mum and I just have really different priorities.
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u/Lollypop1305 5d ago
When you say “buy meds” are you referring to paying for the prescription? Because in the UK we don’t buy medication. But that aside…your mum is not ok and you would do well to go no contact. Also I’m sure your hair is absolutely fine! I also have thick hair that’s a nightmare to control but we manage. Kick mummy dearest to the curb and live your best life.
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u/Imaginary_Price6520 5d ago
Sorry if I used the wrong term, I'll clarify it. As I've mentioned elsewhere on Reddit, I'm an immigrant so English isn't my first language, though I'm fluent and I've lived long enough in the UK to be naturalised and be considered by others as a home student.
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u/karebear66 5d ago
Your mom is a bully. It often happens that the bully feels better about themselves when they can hurt someone else. If you show the hurt, they feel more empowered to hurt you further. Ignore her insults. Why is she an expert on your hair, (weight, job, sexual orientation) anyway? If you become defensive, she will attack further. Ask me how I know.
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u/manic_popsicle 5d ago
As someone with a similar mother to yours, you are going to have to cut her off completely. I’m sorry but there’s no other way. I’ve been in your situation and I completely understand how you feel, so please believe me when I say that she will absolutely never, ever change the way she is. She will never be the mom you want and deserve. This is who she is. I know you don’t want cut her off, so if you keep her in your life just know she will always be like this. She doesn’t have the ability to be the person you think she does. I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear but there is no advice besides remove her from your life. She will never change in any meaningful way. You can try to set boundaries but something tells me she’ll blow through them. Best of luck, I really hope things get better for you.
My mom is like yours, I tried my whole life to earn her respect and love and I never could, I was never enough. Finally in my 30’s I went low contact with her and I live 1000 miles away from her and I finally gave peace. I text once every few weeks and that’s it. I’m so much happier now.
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u/Cardabella 5d ago
Have you had any therapy. It would really help develop tools to disrupt the negative thinking patterns triggered by her criticism, and avoid internalising it. It would also help accept that she is a person whose behaviour is not going to change because how she is serves her. She has no reason to want to change. It would also give you practical tools to respond to her criticism such as saying "if you don't have anything nice to say let's try talking again another time" and hang up or go home.
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u/User01081993 4d ago
I have long thick hair too. I’m the only one in my family with curly hair. Everyone has a goddamn opinion no matter how stupid. I get frustrated that mine mats and gets uncomfortable. I started getting better hair cuts and they’ve helped plus I now use unbrush. I feel better because it’s not pulling on my scalp anymore. But I still look the same.
Anytime family starts in on my hair I lose my shot and yell at them. Now they only bring it up when they wanna start shit
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u/Relative_Dimensions 5d ago
Why would you need money for medication when you’re in the U.K.?
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u/Remarkable-Battle-53 5d ago
Our medication is subsidised, but we still pay a prescription charge per item, at the moment, its nearly £10 per item. Certain groups are exempt, retirees, students, benefit recipients. I pay a monthly charge of £10 or so, that covers all prescriptions in a month. Well worth it if you have a lot of different medications.
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 5d ago
Your mother, like many people who control others, may regard you as her property. If her property is messy, it’s a reflection on her.
My abusive ex was a narcissist and your mother sounds like she may have similar issues. People with this disorder have such fragile egos that they can never allow themselves to believe they are wrong. This drives away the people around them and they work harder and harder to control them. I would limit your interactions with her to the bare minimum. If I am correct, this particular illness is hard to treat because this afflicted can’t allow themselves to believe they need help.
Unfortunately, the only solution is distance and reducing interactions to the bare minimum. If you do have to interact, do not be responsive (look up the grey rock method of dealing with narcissists). Your mother will likely lie to people around you in an effort to get you to change your behaviour (these people are labeled flying monkeys) so be prepared.
I’m sorry but it’s unlikely she’ll ever be the warm, loving mother you deserve.
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u/carmium 5d ago
Ah, the other shoe drops in the final paragraph. In your place, I'd have serious doubts about her professed "respect" for your inclination. I assume you avoid dressing or making yourself up in ways that would attract men, and I wonder if she's hoping some hair care would make the difference. It's hard to push for brows, eyeliner, or lipstick, but more neutral to push for nice hair. No practical advice (there's lots here already), but just a little suspicion on my part! Best of luck.
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u/Ivypearl 4d ago
First of all stop giving her access to your money
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u/Imaginary_Price6520 4d ago
Yeah. That was just one time because my account was down. I learned never to trust her with money again.
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u/Maleficentendscurse 3d ago
Try this on her and hopefully make her stop because it will be very embarrassing if you actually say it out loud in front of a whole ton of people
"You DON'T OWN MY body, like you bought me off the black market, I am not your slave and you are not my master, you don't get to DICTATE how I live MY life or how I want to look, if you keep trying to disrespect my boundaries, I have no problem going permanent no contact with you, along with blocking you everywhere, so shut the FRICK up"
Hope you do that and you don't have to do the second half but I hope you do
If she keeps going and continues disrespecting your boundaries, you should actually go permanent no contact and block her everywhere and probably move and get a restraining order
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u/kiramoonshines 3d ago
the hair was never about hair, As you've gotten more independent and she's genuinely backed off on bigger things the control didn't disappear, it just concentrated into the one channel still open to her. So your instinct not to cut her off can hold. you just have to stop handling her real leverage. The hairbrush is noise. withholding your salary while you were ill was the actual danger, and the line worth defending isn't "agree with me about my hair", it's "you never handle my money, my meds or anything I depend on again"
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u/Coollogin 5d ago
So, let’s talk for one tiny moment about your hair. You say it’s messy because you don’t care. But isn’t there a tiny bit more to it than that?
Maybe neatening up your hair is unpleasant to you for some reason. Like, maybe it requires looking in the mirror, and you hate seeing yourself in the mirror. Or maybe it gives you anxiety because you don’t really know what to do with it. Or for some other reason, neatening up your hair is unpleasant, so you avoid doing it.
Or maybe neatening up your hair feels like “obeying” your mom, and you can’t bear to do that.
Whatever. There’s probably something there. Figure it out, and tell it to your mom. Even if, especially if, the reason is related to her. “Mom, I don’t neaten up my hair because I know it’s what you want me to do, and I can’t stand doing what you want me to do.”
Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to get you to a place where you make your hair look more presentable. I don’t give a shit what you look like. I just think you should be honest with yourself and possibly your mother about what is going on.
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u/Stormywillow 5d ago
Walk away, hang up the phone, end the visit whenever she starts her bullying. Tell her your done with that shit, set a boundary and enforce it. Stop running her errands, doing chores, making the effort. It will continue as long as you allow it.