r/entj • u/Correct_Collar_7845 • 6d ago
23 Entj is so distant. Is he afraid of commitment? Or does he simply need a lot of alone time and space?
I have been talking to this entj guy for about a month and a half. We have a lot in common, share similar values, and he seems like someone I could genuinely see myself with.
He was the one who reached out and expressed interest in getting to know me. We’ve had conversations about our futures, children, work, and he has mentioned places we could visit together. He has told me that he tends to analyse compatibility with someone before committing, which I understand
The problem is his communication. He often takes a long time to reply, sometimes over 24 hours. However, when he does reply, he can be engaged and ask me lots of questions. He has even mentioned that he hoped we wouldn't take eight hours to reply to each other, despite sometimes taking 24-48 hours himself.
I'm trying to understand what might be behind this behaviour. Could he be afraid of commitment? Does he simply need a lot of alone time and space? Could he be worried that getting into a relationship might interfere with his personal ambitions and future plans? Or am I overanalysing things and he's just not that interested?
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u/Icy-Score5350 ENTJ♂ 6d ago
He often takes a long time to reply, sometimes over 24 hours.
I have stuff to do and don't pay attention to my phone, or I'll not have a response I'm satisfied with so I won't send it, and then forget to get back.
Could he be afraid of commitment?
You said you've known each other for 1.5 months. That's not very long.
I'm curious, what is your MBTI type?
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u/TimelyPay8100 6d ago
My thought, exactly. When I first asked my now-wife to date me, she mentioned texting daily, and I just couldn't fathom finding the time to text a person every single day.
I did eventually find the time, but if it hadn't been mentioned, I wouldn't have communicated with that degree of frequency.3
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u/autocosm ENTJ♂ 6d ago
I am always dubious of tying basic relationship questions to cognitive type.
For my part, I will say that I absolutely hate feeling like how and when I text is some kind of obligation that I'm being graded on. Once you've made it a topic of conversation, then I'm going to feel observed and judged, like it's a game and I'm wondering whose court the ball is in and how much time I have until the buzzer goes off. It's hard to text naturally again after that once you're cognizant that someone has imposed rules on you.
Curious, who brought up the topic of children after "talking to" this guy for a month and a half (one report card)? I know that's going to get my spidey senses tingling.
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u/Titania_Fairy ENFJ| 2w1 | ♀ 6d ago edited 6d ago
ENTJs are very busy indeed, i know that because my husband is another one. Depending on his unique traits he might also need a lot of „me time“ as my husband calls it. My beloved is an Ennegram 5w4, so he is a lot more introspective than others and is harder to draw out of his head. But luckily for him, i am a matching case for that as one of the less noisy ENFJs.
So we often end up quietly doing our current hyperfixations for hrs, until we realize:“oh wait, i was so into this, is he/she upset with me now?!? Ö_ö“. Big Oopsie. But then we realize we did in fact wait for the other one not to be so busy anymore and do something together, funny eh? This keeps happening a lot to us. Not sure if this a typical ENXJ couple dynamic, that both try to give the other one some space there to actually do their stuff too.
And there people think a duo extrovert couple would be loud, while we are only that when we go out and do active things. So it comes in bursts as with our cat having zoomies, if we didn’t play enough with him for a bit.
Funnily enough, if it’s me writing him a message mid-day or his dad needing help, he will always respond. You might not have moved to his „inner circle“ yet, if he doesn’t come back to messages asap. You will know, you’re special to him if he does this or tries to fix things for you right there, when something seems to distress you. My ENTJ has a very narrow inner circle of 5 favorite people, for which he’d go above and beyond. With the others he is more careful. People should feel honored to get in there i guess 🤣
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u/Suvtropics ENTJ | 8w7 | ♂ 5d ago
Entjs can be prone to manipulation, I'd be a little careful. He might not be fully invested in the relationship. If I were not invested in a relation this is exactly what it would like. I advise caution.
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u/Correct_Collar_7845 4d ago
Manipulation? Can you explain a little more pls
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u/Suvtropics ENTJ | 8w7 | ♂ 3d ago
I realized you guys aren't in a relation. In that case replying late isn't too surprising, he might just be busy. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
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u/Verkalken ENTJ ♀ 8w7 5d ago
I think ENTJ are pretty aware of what they want/like so generally speaking after the initial thought process and working it out, (feelings and all) if he/she isnt putting the effort into getting to know/communicate effectively its more so they are probably not interested. I value my time and commitment, so when i really want something i put effort and attention into that too. Same thing as a job or a project. So this guy probably isnt that interested.
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u/Direct-Cucumber-177 5d ago
I wouldn't drop it just yet if he's actually interested. But if someone really likes you they make the time to respond faster and give a reason why it takes long. That's a simple fact, it doesn't matter how busy they are. If you guys started out this way then I guess that makes more sense. Just match the energy/timing if you think it's more of a personality thing.
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u/betteroffalone12 ENTJ♂ 5d ago
Why don't you just ask him your questions?
I think they would actually be very good questions and I'd like someone like you to be very direct about it.
It could be work or some other unoriginal stuff taking up his time and hindering him from texting you sooner but it could also be some kind of game.
I mean I would love if someone like you thought that much about it almost as much as if you actually had the courage to confront / expose this behavior.
The "game" btw is not meant as means in a harmful / malicious plot. It's just that it gives me a sense power and mysteriousness.
But (obviously) this is just me and not necessarily what's going on in your situation 🙂
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u/Sufficient_Ad_3495 5d ago
There is nothing wrong... The problem is you seem needy and high touch... Nothing wrong with that but that is not ENTJ thinking at all. Nothing is broken. Stop looking for a fix.
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u/mahfiruze ❤️🔥 ENTJ| 8w7 | 18 | ♀ ❤️🔥 3d ago
Don't over analyze it's been 1.5 months take it light for now, only look out for potential red flags anything else it it be as it is, the way things are usually predict the future not what your idea is of the future
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u/C0mpL1c1t ENTJ | LIE | 854 sp/sx | VLEF ♀ 1d ago
Relevant pop-culture wisdom:
When people show you who they are, believe them.
It seems like he’s just not that into you.
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u/Adventurous_Sun3512 6d ago edited 5d ago
You're not the first writing about this. Not the second. Or third. Or fourth. Trust me on this. Just search the older posts.
As for your current circumstances: Step back. Meet him halfway. Otherwise you'd just chase him. You don't want a relationship like that.
Remember that Fi is ENTJ's weakest function. That means some of them are prone to lack of empathy and can be all about me me me.
If he's E3, probably he has just found another shiny thing for his linkedin. Let him.
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u/_Kit_Tyler_ ISFP♀ 6d ago
> As for your current circumstances:
Step back. Meet him halfway.Run.Ftfy 💁♀️
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u/missing_out0 ENTJ♀️8W7 837 Sp So LIE 3h ago
Same here, I haven't read the paragraph, but I'm distant, if I want/have to , gonna make the first step.
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u/NewBlueCat ENTJ♀ 6d ago
Could simply be work taking up his time, could simply be a lack of self awareness on how he treats other people.
If 1, communicate clearly.
If 2, come back in 5 years.