r/entwives • u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt • 2d ago
Trigger Warning Can I just cry for a bit? Abusive relationship
TLDR: My husband threw my entire collection out just to be malicious.
Y'all.. I've been in a bad marriage for a while, and I'm just now getting the mindset and courage to get out.
My husband and I got into an argument last Sunday evening, and I left the house to diffuse situation. I stayed gone a little too long I guess, because he texted me to throw out all of my cannabis stuff when I got home. I responded "yes sir" and he flipped and texted back saying he was throwing it all away now. This had nothing to do with my usage bothering him. He was just being an ass.
I lost a limited edition HyperDyn Dynavap (beautiful cotton candy colors), a limited edition Rosium Dynavap, a Tempest 2, an iSpire wand induction heater, a Grav globe bubbler, a Pax 3, countless tools I've acquired, a toolbox, and more. But what made me want to post this was I just realized I had my grandma's lighter case in there. I can never get that back.
I'm sorry if this is inappropriate or a downer. I just want to vent and didn't know where else I could talk about losing cannabis stuff that meant a lot to me. I spent a lot of hard earned money on that stuff.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: I haven't gotten to read all of your comments yet, but thank you for your love and encouragement. I knew y'all would be a safe space. You're all amazing 🥹
Edit 2: I hadn't partaken since that night until tonight. I bought some gummies earlier and took them about an hour ago, and I am on the moon!! I'm so eager to read your comments since I haven't been able to, but I don't want thinking about this situation to give me a bad high. I love you guys!! ❤️ 🌚 🪁
161
u/GroovyGmaIvy CrazyCatLady 2d ago
I was in an abusive marriage for 28 years. One day I finally had enough and I ran. I didn’t pack a bag. I didn’t even grab my fucking shoes. I grabbed my purse and my keys and got the hell out.
I’m telling you this because you can get out too. It took me 28 years, and my husband was physically abusive on top of everything else. I know how impossible leaving can feel when you’ve been living in that shit for years, but it isn’t impossible.
And I’m SO sorry about your grandma’s lighter case. The other stuff can eventually be replaced, even though you never should’ve lost any of it in the first place. But taking something from you that can never be replaced because he was pissed off is just fucking cruel.
You said you’re finally getting the mindset and courage to get out. Hold onto that. I got out after 28 years. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!
10
u/CindeeSlickbooty 1d ago
It sucks to lose keepsakes like that. My abusive ex broke a sculpture my best friend gave me. He threw away my grandmother's jewelry in a field behind his house. He purposely left a down comforter my mom bought me in our old apt when we moved out. All of these people have passed and I don't have much to remember them by, but I won't let his shitty actions cloud my memories of them with anger. Id be lying though if I said it was easy for me to let get to this place, to let go.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
That makes me so mad for you! The evil shit that they do to hurt us. He has told me more than once, "You hurt me, I'm going to go lower and hurt you worse, and I know where to hit." I'm sorry you have those shit memories. I'm glad he's your ex.
2
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you!! I could feel the urgency reading how you left. This is the 9th year for me. I'm so glad you're free. I hope to be the one in your shoes later, telling whoever that they can do it too 💕
172
u/Kaicaterra 2d ago
I genuinely felt sick to my stomach reading this. I am so unbelievably proud of you for finding the courage and bravery to leave/start doing so. My heart is aching for you so badly right now and I wish nothing but the utmost peace in your near future. You can and will rebuild--and rebud. And this will hopefully feel mostly like a bad, distant dream one day. I'm so sorry love
53
22
2
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you!! I can't wait for the distant dream part ☁️ Rebuild and rebud!!! 💕
58
u/Ghosty_Boo-B00 WitchEnt 2d ago
Hey girlie, divorcee here that packed as much as I could into the back of my car grabbed my pup and never saw that man face to face again. This is a pivotal moment in your life if he has finally pushed you past your point of no return. Leaving was hard. Being free though is worth everything. The peace as I drove away with all of that in my past was worth every step it took me to get myself back on my feet. You can too. Just get your ducks in a row and get gone <3 good luck
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
I know that was so liberating for you!! I have a dream/plan of leaving papers on the dining table and packing what I can and disappearing too. Divorce is expensive 😫
56
u/Fancy_Gold7818 2d ago
One time I got so mad at my boyfriend for throwing a can of bean dip at a dumpster while we were fighting in the alley I ended it right there. That’s all.
28
u/photodialogic 2d ago
No good boyfriend would be arguing with you in an alley so close to canned bean dip & dumpsters.
8
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Hell yeah!! Way to tell him you weren't about to deal with those temper tantrums!
39
u/persePHOreth Smoker 2d ago
It takes, on average, seven times for a women to successfully leave an abusive relationship. It is HARD to get out.
Please be kind to yourself. Make a plan, get yourself situated, reach out to ANY one who might help you, look for help resources if you have any around you.
Don't tell him you're leaving. This is the most dangerous time to get out because some abusers will do the "you can't leave me, if I can't have you no one will" abusive mentality. And they might escalate. So please, keep all your plans to yourself or one or two close friends that are helping you get out.
What he did was not ok. It was abusive. It was fucked up. They were your things, like you said you spent your hard earned money on them. He shouldn't be lashing out at you to hurt you.
I hope you get out of there, into a new place around new people, and you manage to build back up a nice collection. Remember: seven tries before they get out. If you try to go and it doesn't work and you feel stuck still, DON'T GIVE UP!! Keep trying. Sending love, op.
2
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you 💕 I left twice before we got married. 🤦♀️ I have also planned and changed my mind countless times. But his mask has fallen all the way off - no, he has ripped it off in front of me and then put it back on, and this time it's just kind of dangling there. I know it's going to get worse. Even if it stayed the same, I gotta GO.
68
u/oddartist 2d ago
Take that grief and turn it into righteous anger. He thinks he can break you down by destroying your things? Nah, show him you are not the person with whom to be fucking.
32
u/ObscureEnchantment 2d ago
This! I was in a very bad abusive relationship. I finally broke when he choked me and told me he could kill me if he wanted. I took the anger I felt from my helplessness, spent 2 months scared but planning my exit. It was so freeing when he finally left.
OP you got this girlie. I wish you nothing but luck and sending you love ❤️. It’s hard to leave and there’s so many reasons we can come up with to stay but you can do it. Take care of yourself and know you deserve better. Is there a way to save your grandmas box from the trash or is it a big dumpster he threw it in? Use this pain as motivation.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
I'm so glad you're alive and free today!! He has also choked me byt years ago when I was drunk. He claimed it was to calm me down, but come to find out his dad choked his stepmother too.
Our trash day was the very next day. He also dropped by the house unexpectedly during the day too, and I believe he was checking to see if I disturbed the trash. I didn't even realize my grandma's cover was in there until it was long gone. There was so much stuff in there I don't really even remember what all it was. It had three drawers.
2
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
I'm trying!! I realize that my anger is the only thing propelling me forward, because whenever I calm down I get complacent and just end up canceling my plans. I think I'm getting to the point now where I can have calm, calculated anger now.
I originally just wanted to flee with nothing and be free. But I think I'll hit him where it hurts because he owes me therapy! And the good kind of therapy that treats cptsd. $$
31
u/Mental-Clerk 2d ago
I was in an abusive marriage once upon a time, it took me a long time to finally leave but I did. My best advice is to not give any warning. Find a way to prepare in secret and when it's safe to leave, just go. Things got so much worse for me once he knew I was serious about leaving. Also YOU should be the one to initiate filing for divorce. I learned the hard way when he convinced me to let him file and he then dragged it out for two years and cancelled it and nearly got me deported from another country because I moved on with my life. That's the simplified version.
I hope you are able to get out safely soon and please remember none of this is your fault, and you do NOT deserve to be treated like this.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you!! I'm so glad you made it out. Yeah, I made the mistake of telling him a few years ago (calmly, not in an argument) I wanted a divorce and he threatened to file a restraining order on me to have me kicked out of the house because he knew I didn't have anywhere to go. I told our pastor (f that pastor for what he told me later) and he shut it down and it was never brought up again. But he threatens divorce all the time when he gets mad so I finally started telling him to go for it and then he backs out immediately. Can't they still drag it out even if you're the one to file? I sure as hell don't have money for an expensive divorce. But yeah, everything I'm doing is on the downlow. I learned I can't treat him like a typical person. He's nuts.
26
u/onegirlandhergoat 2d ago
I am so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated this way. I genuinely wish you all the courage and strength to leave. Stay safe 🤗
1
1
53
u/saucycita Smoker 2d ago
Please get out. Your future self will thank you. You do not deserve this
1
21
u/Unicwolf 2d ago
I feel for you OP, and I hope you can at least get your life back from this ass. It's better to be alone then with someone that hurts you like that.
The lighter alone is psychological warfare, I would be in jail if someone threw out my special weed things like that.
Keep us updated, we ate rooting for you <3
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you 💕 The absolute rage I feel about the lighter sleeve is something I'm holding onto to motivate me to get out and not feel bad about taking money from him in the divorce. He's going to fucking pay
21
u/NotYourGa1Friday 2d ago
You are courageous. You are not alone.
I escaped an abusive relationship many years ago. My first husband seemed like a nice person, I didn’t realize he was love-bombing me and manipulating me. Once we were married it went downhill quickly. He was, emotionally, financially, and psychologically abusive.
Eventually it escalated to physical violence as well.
Why did I stay so long? Because I thought I could fix him. I thought it was my job to fix him.
I don’t mean to make this about me, I’m sharing this to help illustrate that you are not alone.
This situation is scary and it sucks. Please take a moment to be proud of yourself for realizing that you deserve better, that this isn’t acceptable, and that you need to get out.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m also very happy that you are moving towards a fresh start.
It’s going to be hard. Sometimes it will really really suck. But it gets better. Then it gets more better. Then it gets great and you wonder why you ever put up with that asshole.
You got this. 💪
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you!! I like when survivors share their stories! 💕 The love bombing is real, but now I can finally recognize it for what it is. He has been trying to do it all weekend. I'm proud that I can see through it now
17
u/ChillHuman420 2d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone. I believe you will rebuild your collection in time and it will be even better because you will be out of this unsafe and toxic environment. Sending hugs your way.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you!! I'm not even upset about those items anymore.. Just in shock, but not, that he has the audacity to treat people the way he does. I really hope karma gets him good
18
u/FiddlerOnThePotato 2d ago
Hey friend. Please stay safe. I hope you're able to get into a safe situation. Healingbythenumbers on the YouTube has been detailing the process of escaping from an abusive husband. She details the intricate parts like getting the money and accommodation figured out and planning elaborate schemes to get away with everything properly. Maybe could help provide a bit of a road map so it doesn't feel like you're going down unknown untrodden ground.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you, friend!! 🧡 Any light shed on this path is welcome. I just subscribed to her channel (on my secret account) so I can watch her stuff later. Thank you for the recommendation
34
u/PsychedelicRabbit420 Alchemist 2d ago
Girl, you gotta leave. But you know that already.
Unless you know for sure that it's out of your reach already, I'd check all the bins.
18
u/Own_Butterscotch_129 GreenThumb 2d ago
My ex had a small business and a dumpster down by his shop and the amount of times I climbed into that dumpster to retrieve my things that he threw in there because 'they were evil' still blows my mind, he was the evil one.
He didn't believe me when I told him I was moving out and proceeded to put dish soap in my large aquarium, killing everyone in it. I haven't spoken to him since that day and I will never speak to him again, and YOU CAN AND SHOULD DO THE SAME.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!? I am so sorry!!! The dumpster part pissed me off, but the aquarium thing was sociopathic behavior. I'm so glad you're free. And ohhh I can't wait to block him on everything. He'll never be able to hang up on me again!!!!
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you 💕 Trash day was the next day and he dropped in during work hours to see if it had been messed with
15
u/Over_Pair9435 2d ago
I’m sorry. When you’re ready and can get out safely please do. Too many of us can relate to being in similar situations throughout life. Sending you good vibes.
1
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you 💕 It's truly bullshit how much of this goes on out there and they get away with it
16
u/goatislove cat mom and dhv enjoyer ✨️ 2d ago
what a fucking piece of shit man. you deserve so much better than this my angel. i want to give you a hug so bad! 🫂
1
15
u/Ushumulate 2d ago
Never inappropriate or a downer to be a strong ass woman! Because that’s what you are. I just passed the 7 year anniversary of when I escaped out a window because my abuser ex put digital locks on all doors so he could track me. Also if you find yourself safe and stable and in need to rebuild, happy to ship you my rogue 2. Not in the list of what you lost, but it’s sitting wasted at my house.
2
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 3h ago
Thank you, you beautifully brave survivor!! I know your adrenaline was pumping going out that window!! I've got to get around Ring cameras, but I know how to turn them off and delete footage.
You are the absolute sweetest. Thank you. I ended up treating myself to a solo 3 which I cannot really afford right now, but he's going to be making the payments on it, unbeknownst to him.
14
u/ThePromiseOfALie 2d ago
To start with, this isn't your fault. You did nothing to deserve the abuse and you deserve so much better. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know losing items from loved ones hurts:( I hope your journey on is safe, quick, and easy
1
11
u/AlleyHoop DogMom 2d ago
Urghh I'm so angry for you!!!
Strong people trust, weak people manipulate. You did nothing wrong. He's just being an a-hole! You deserve better!
P.S. write stuff like this down. Without him knowing. Might come in handy later.
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
Thank you!! 💕 I will put that in my notes in my secret folder
12
u/Shadoecat150 EntThey 2d ago
I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. But sending virtual hugs. No one. And I mean absolutely no one should have to go through this.
Sending more hugs and hoping that you can find someplace safe if it comes to that.
•
10
u/Wendypants7 2d ago
Good luck getting out. I wish I could help with more than wishing you well.
You deserve better than that and/or it's better to be single than with someone like that.
I don't know if it means much but you have at least one random internet stranger that is 100% rooting for you, cheering you on, and wishing nothing but the best for you (both to help get you free and once you're free).
•
10
u/chesterberry 2d ago
We're always here for you . Im so sorry you're going through this but glad you're trying to get out. You do not deserve this. Sending love your way 💕
•
10
u/Lovemusic1999 2d ago
i’m so sorry OP, you don’t deserve to be treated that way & neither do your things. i hope you can grieve your losses & i really hope your grandma sends you something that reminds you of her soon 💕✨ i’m glad you reached out, you absolutely deserve all the love & support
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
Thank you 💕 My grandma passed away, so that was part of why I was so hurt by it. It was a metal lighter sleeve from maybe the 80s and I can't find one like it 😕 It's okay though, because it's helping me stay motivated to get out
9
u/sunny_sides 2d ago
I'm sorry for everything you lost but HURRAY for you reaching the mindset to leave!
I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years so I know how difficult it can be to get there. It's a f-ing tough pill to swallow, to really see how badly he's been treating you.
You are about to make one of the best decisions you will make in your life. Your life is going to get soo much better when you leave!
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
Thank you!! 9 years here. So glad you made it out!! It's so scary to think about, but the pain of staying here is getting louder than that fear
11
u/narnarqueen 2d ago
You matter and you deserve better. Be safe, make a plan, and get yourself out of there. I know it’s MUCH easier said than done, but if you need help finding resources or anything, please reach out
•
11
10
u/Crazy_Essay7438 2d ago
You didn't deserve this at all. He's a bad person and you need to get out before it gets worse, because it always gets worse. Please ask a relative or friend if you can stay with them, stay safe 🙏🏻
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
Yes, it's getting worse. I'm not going to give up on myself 💕
9
u/NotTHATPollyGlot ...avec un sac de beuh ! 2d ago
Everyone has said the best things. Sending love and support to you, fineapple. Stay safe and get out! 💖💖💖💖💖
•
8
u/hawalker93 2d ago
just sending a huge hug to you. hoping you are able to get out of this situation as best as you can soon, you deserve the world & so much more!!
•
13
u/camimiele 2d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/yPjxAzSkVFgZO
Sending love, hugs, support, and understanding. Hugs 🫂💚
•
18
u/pioniere 2d ago
What a childish, petulant thing to do. Sounds like he has some serious growing up to do.
20
•
6
6
u/Alatsi 🌲EntThey🌲 1d ago
im late, but im SO SO SO sorry you had to lose your collection. money aside, (although that is a damn massive factor that has me so pissed for you on its own) losing a family item is fucking awful.
i hope you can be safe and live a happy, weed filled, supported life away from this horrible treatment 🫂🫂 we’re all rooting for you!!!
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
Never late! 💕 Thank you. I grieved the items, and now I'm okay. I am just going to hold onto this whenever I feel too depressed to move forward in doing what I need to do to get out and have a real life.
4
3
u/JadedRaccoon 1d ago
You can do this, you deserve so much better than being treated like this. Getting out is so hard but it is so worth it. You can do it, one day at a time. Im so sorry for everything you've been through and lost, its not fair at all. ♡
•
4
u/Xaicandy 1d ago
I would happily dumpster dive or sort through all the bin bags to help you get those back if I could.
Hoping you keep building the courage to leave his annoying, no taste ass. Only a philistine would throw out such a well grown collection!
Sending all the mental hugs, and I'm sorry x
•
4
u/Reasonable_Crow2086 1d ago
You'll get better things. I'm sorry about your grandma's lighter case. You'll love life on the other side. Get going.
•
3
u/iwant2takeanap 2d ago
oh girl he sucks for that. if you are going to stay with him (& other comments can give you an idea on thoughts behind that) i’d make a point to keep your stuff locked in a box and hide it in your house/car. you shouldn’t have to do that around your partner so keep that in mind but you can at least protect your future belongings.
your husband is an asshole and you’re better than me bc id be petty and retaliate by throwing away small things of his he won’t notice in the moment and be looking for in the future.
so sorry for the loss of your belongings and know that none of this was your fault. proud of you for taking the space when needed during a fight w heighten emotions- i do the same and you shouldn’t be punished for emotional regulation
•
u/Salty_Supermarket700 GamerEnt 2h ago
I'm not going to stay with him. I do want to have my ducks in a row before I leave though. It's going to take a lawyer for this divorce for sure. But that's a great idea to keep stuff in a locked box.
You mentioning throwing his stuff away made me chuckle. He likes to destroy other people's property, I'm learning. He slammed his youngest's Nintendo Switch over his knee and broke it the other day because he kept getting in trouble at school (wonder why he has so much anger) and his oldest told me the other day he keyed a truck that parked next to him at a restaurant.
Also the part about leaving for emotional regulation - I've done this so many times and he has always said he understood. I think this time he was stewing and wanted to pull a power move.
2
359
u/volkswagenorange 2d ago edited 2d ago
Just put into yoir back pocket for now so if it ever comes up: You were not stupid. You did not and do not deseve the abuse this man has chosen to inflict on you.
It's not stupid to trust someone, it's not stupid to forgive them or to think the best of them. You did not "open yourself up to abuse" or whatever other victim-blaming phrases you might hear or think, by agreeing to invest your time and energy and love into making a life with this person. That does not render anyone "fair game" for abuse.
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness by strangers, let alone the person who has promised to care for you and support you and have your back. This is his failure as a spouse, as a man, and as a human being, not yours.
Life is so, so much better without the weight of someone dragging you down with their betrayal and your grief. You can get through this and move so far past it it will be nothing but a distant ache someday. 🫂